Friday, December 19, 2008

I feel like the only person in Massachusetts with out IVF coverage

I probably am. What an incredible gift to live in a state with mandated coverage right? Until you are caught in a loop hole and it sucks doubly hard. Self funded insurance from small companies are the only type of insurance not required to have IVF coverage. Scott's company, in a way to find the cheapest available option for health coverage chose this route. I work part time in a company with less then 10 employees, so I am not offered any type of coverage.

So what does that mean. I am out of pocket (OOP) for IVF. In a town where OOP is unheard of. No clinics (okay one out of the 6) offer payment plans or shared risk. No Doctors offer left over meds. Mine infact was floored when I told her I was using my left overs from last cycle "Oh you don't need those. Throw them out and get fresh ones" When I told her it would cost me close to 2500 to replace all the meds she said "Oh Okay, they are fine to use"

So here I am thinking about digging through peoples trash in hopes of finding some Gonal F or Repronex. Maybe passing notes in the waiting area telling them they can donate their left overs to me.

Okay so I do have some coverage. I pay 300 a month for a policy I bought for myself. The policy sucks. I have to pay for blood draws. Half of the IVF and all of the drugs. Mathmatically, I am not really saving money. What it does allow me to do is delay payment until after the procedure. Without it my clinic would demand payment up front.

So that is my story. That is why when most women close to me or sitting in the waiting room for IVF consults are not worried about the financial end I am freaking out. 5 IVFs covered fully by Massachusettes insurance and all I can do is afford three because I fall in a crack.
I could get a job with better insurance, maybe at Starbucks, but the pay would be ten times less. Scott could get a job with better insurance, but who is hiring in his feild? No one. So the economy is not on our side. Nothing seems to be.

I know I am probably preaching to the chior about all this. There are many more people without IF insurance coverage then with, just no one around me. Which makes it seem lonelier some how.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

When it rains it pours.... poor I guess is more like it

Hopefully I am getting the bad Mojo out of my system now. For the past month we have been in a downhill spiral and I hope to come out of it around, oh, January 3rd would be nice.

It started with Scott getting a 10% pay decrease from his job. Better then the alternative of him getting laid off. So we counted our blessings, I started ChaCha-ing extra hard to make up for the lost money, we wiped ourselves off and trucked on.

A week later my car blew a head gasket (and yes, I kind of blew one myself). The thing will cost about 2k to fix. But I need a car to get too and from Doctors appointments and work. So that is in the shop and will be for about a week. Less if we are lucky, which obviously we are not, so I am sure I will not be seeing it until the new year.

My dad was kind enough to let me borrow his car for the week. So I picked it up yesterday, hmm his brakes are squishy I thought to myself... Drive some more today, had to coast to a stop. Real squishy! Try dead. Scott looked at them and he has a leak from the back hose, no break fluid at all. So the tow truck will be picking it up tomorrow. I will be taking a cab to work. The end of the free rides.

Such is life. Bad things happen in threes. Hopefully those were the three.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

It is here!

Af arrived today and I have never been this happy to see her. I called in my cycle day 1 and they started me on BCP today. Then I should start stims on January 3rd and ER will be about 10 days later, although last time it was 8 days later. I really hope to be able to give Scotty a wonderful birthday gift of a BFP at the end of the month!

I am more nervous going into this one. I think with IVF #1 I was so convinced that is what I needed I had no doubts of it not working. This time around I am riddled with worry. There is HUGE doubt at everything. Will I produce more then 5 eggs, will they be good enough? All I can do right now is hope and pray that one or two will stick. That the Antagonist protocol will give me more eggs, that the assisted hatching will make them stick and that in the end I will come up with a BFP. That another 10k does not go to waste, that I finally will be called mommy.

Monday, December 1, 2008

The wait is almost over

I was just thinking yesterday that I should call my clinic soon to make sure everything was set for my January IVF cycle.

When I woke this morning there was a message on my phone! It was my nurse coordinator! Yippee! She is sending out my calendar today and ordering my drugs!!

I am so excited. I can not wait for my period now. Of course I have another 2 weeks to go or so, but at least this 2ww will lead to something more then disappointment!

Yay - bring it on!!!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It's been awhile

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. Life has been hectic, although in a complete stand still in the IVF front. AF came, just 3 days late, making it impossible to start my IVF cycle because I would have been close to ER during the week of Christmas. So because the lab goes on break then "for their annual cleaning" I need to wait a cycle. So I have about 25 more days before starting BCP now. I just want to get on with this already!

As for dad, he is doing great. He was supposed to be released today, but as of 10:34 he has not gotten word that he will get to go home. He needs to climb stairs before he is released and they have not done that yet. So he waits. So now I guess tomorrow will be release day since usually they discharge by 10am. He looks really well. Besides the weight gain, but it is all water weight that he will quickly lose as soon as he gets out and about.

And that would be it. I won't bore you with the stand still boringness of my life any longer.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Making progress

So things are starting to move along now. Everything in my life felt as though it was on hold. For me, I was stuck in wait mode to start IVF #2 for my Dad he was sitting around with 4 blocked arteries waiting to be cut open.

They rescheduled my dads surgery for Monday. So it is basically a replay of last week. I will drive my mom and him in on Sunday. He will spend the night to prep for surgery and then the following morning I will drive my mom in to be with him until they wheel him down to the OR. Hopefully, things will actually progress this time and he will have the surgery and be recovering by Monday night.

On my front, I am in the 2ww to start IVF #2. Finally! Scott still needs a blood draw, which we will get done this weekend. Then next week he will go in for his pre IVF semen analysis. Then I should be approved by the board and get my drugs and protocol for the IVF. Most likely go on BCP as well. So by Christmas I hope to have 2 beautiful and strong embabies in me! And 3-4 on ice as well. I think I can be greedy and want it all right? ;)

Oh and yes, Saturday is my 37th birthday. Not really in the mood to celebrate, kind of dreading it. BUT my mom wants an excuse to have the whole family together before dad goes in for his operation and I am that excuse. So we will have dinner and a cake at my moms. While I blow out the candles and make one final wish for the thing I have wished for for 6 years running... I can not tell you what the wish is, since if I do it won't come true. But I bet you can guess.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

This is starting to be a giant cluster fuck!

So dad goes in Sunday afternoon to prep for his surgery. He is there all night, getting shaved from head to toe, taking a peroxide or what ever that orange stuff is bath and getting no sleep because he is nervous as anything. Then come 6am the Dr comes in and tells him he has a bladder infection and there would be a chance they would need to cancel the surgery.

So my mom gets in at about 8am the Drs are telling him it would be a go. So she waits from 8am to 11 with him nervous as can be, and that is when they decide to cancel it - or decided to tell them at least. Then from 11am until 1pm he has to sit there waiting to be release. I went in at 11am to take them home and waited the 2 hours along with my oompa loompa looking dad (from the bath he got the night before)

So he goes home with instructions to take antibiotics for a week and get a re check on his urine. Then if it is clear they will reschedule the surgery for 1-2 weeks (right near Thanksgiving).

So when they get home, the decide to call his urologist to see if she would see him and make sure everything was okay in there. They go in this morning, she reads all the labs and finds HE DID NOT HAVE AN INFECTION!

All this for nothing, but because he started the antibiotics he needs to go the full week of them and of course the surgeons and operating room need to be rebooked. So the time table is still the same. Ugg - so frustrating!!!

I would hate to be him. We think the 2ww for taking a pee test is tough, I can only imagine his anxiety to get this over with and get on with recovery! So that is the news for now. None!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Dad goes in Monday

His quadruple Bi Pass is now set and ready to go for Monday morning. He is nervous, my mom is nervous and I am nervous but trying not to show it so they won't be more nervous. He keeps saying "they are going to cut me open like a lobster and take my heart out and flop it on a table" not a very pleasant thought.

His friends are all amazing! I ran into one yesterday and he gave me his number and said to give it to my Mom in case she needs anything. He, at about 65 said if it snows she will need someone to shovel and he can shovel. The offer was sweet, but I volunteered Scott for shovel duty and he passed it on to our friends son. (Yes - I have friends with teenage children)

I am very glad we decided to buy this house two blocks from my mother. You never realize your parents are getting older until something like this happens. The reality of it all scares me.
I want so much for them to know their grandchildren and for my children to know their grandparents. I grew up with my grandparents living in the same house. Very close knit and always wanted that for my family. When something like this happens it makes you wonder how much time really is left. Another reason to kick myself for the choices made.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words, thoughts and prayers. If you could spear an extra one or two, I could use them on Monday!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Kind of waiting for something to go wrong

I never asked when I would be starting this IVF cycle. I assumed my case would go through the IVF board, like last time, and I would get a calender in the mail with all the dates.
Well I never canceled my Hysterscopy appointment that was supposed to be yesterday. It totally left my mind the second my Dr. told me the nurse screwed up and I did not actually need it. It reentered my mind last night when it was too late to do anything about it.

The way I rationalized it away is that it was their fuck up, why should I have to take time out of my busy day to cancel the appointment? Now I am thinking that this will cause further fuck ups along the way. Like what if they do not send my case to the board now. The new nurse doesn't seem like the brightest bulb. Have I ever told you how much I miss Carol? She left right before my first IVF, but she stayed on part time to train Dippy for a few weeks after that, so she was still coordinating most of my cycle, just in the back ground. 2 months later and she is completely gone and I am left with a nurse who can not read a chart, was clueless on where I could go for a blood draw ... and what else?

I know I need to just take a deep breathe, I do. My anxiety is way out of wack! Always is. I just miss having a person in charge of my case that knew more then I knew. Who was friendly and had the "Don't worry about a thing" mentality. My new nurse did not even wish me luck when I was leaving the office. And now I am worrying about everything!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

My anniversary is coming

One that I wish not to be celebrating. Last year at this time I had finally gotten my thyroid levels in check for longer then just a few short months and was hoping that was all I needed to be pregnant.

We decided to give 6 months of timed intercourse a shot. Hopeful that my hypothyroidism and elevated prolactin levels that came alog with it was the cause of my infertility. The six months would be coming to an end near my 36th birthday. Then I would call an RE. I had already given up on time intercourse for quite some time. Scott was not on the same page as me. He needed longer and I respected that he did.

I made the call on my birthday. I never expected to get in to them before Thanksgiving, but a week before Thanksgiving we were scheduled. I was excited but nervous. Here we are a year later. Lots of testing, three IUIs, and an IVF cycle and a few months of wanted and unwanted breaks in between and no baby or even a baby bump or two lines to show for it.

I remember my first IUI and how excited I was, there was never any doubt that it would not work. Counting 9 months ahead to get an estimated due date of around Halloween.

Here we are at halloween now and nothing to show for it.

I try to remain hopeful that IVF#2 will be the one. Counting ahead on my calender I figure ER and ET to be scheduled right before Christmas and of course that would make BETA scheduled for right around New Years. How special would it be for 2009 to be rung in with a BFP? Nine has always been my lucky number after all.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

What a week

This has been quite a week.

My step dad, whom I would consider my real dad found out on Monday that he had 4 blocked arteries. The left is 100% blocked the right is 90% blocked and then he has two lessor blocked arteries as well. We all knew he was going to need something, we just did not know the severity of it all.

When he went in Monday we all assumed he would return with a stent, instead he is being scheduled for a quadruple bypass. His Dr is amazed that he has not been experiencing chest pain and that the only reason the found them was because he sent him to a stress test (which he had about 5 months ago). There was no doubt someone looking over him that he did not have a heart attack before his appointment.

He needs to wait for surgery, because according to them, he is not an emergency case, but he was told that they would try to get him in as soon as possible. Two to four weeks? He is under strict instructions not to lift anything, even his 20lb dog. If you know my step dad, this is nearly an impossible feet, because he is always doing to much as is.

I am so scared and I am praying so hard that they get him into surgery before something happens and that the surgery will turn out okay.

In better news: I had my WTF appointment today and I am pretty please with what I got out of it. The big news is she believes I have Diminished Ovarian Reserve and that I am not producing the amount of eggs they like to see in a 37 year old. Other then that, my embryo quality, lining and everything else looked good. She believes with more embryos to choose from, it would increase the likelihood of success, so she changed my protocol to Antagonist. She also would like to try assisted hatching to see if that helps with implantation.

Also, the new nurse is a total idiot! I do not need more testing as she told me. I am so relieved for that. So we will not change Drs for this cycle, but I do plan on speaking to someone if there is a need for a third IVF.

So with the start of next cycle I will begin BCP for IVF#2. I have about 26 days to gear up, drink up ;) and get ready for it all... Motherhood here I come!

Monday, October 20, 2008

My clinic is pissing me off.

I am aggravated frustrated and every other adjective you can think of to describe pissed off!
My period came today, so I called thinking I could start another round of IVF - because NO ONE told me any differently. Instead I get "we need to run some more tests on you". Okay - blood work, I get that one. Hysterscopy, after having two in the past year. No sorry. I don't think so! And why WHY did you not tell me all this back on September 19th when I found out my last IVF failed? I sat a month out because those were your requirements. No problem. Now I have to sit two months out because you don't seem to look at my chart until I call asking a question?

I have a meeting with her on Wednesday. I will ask why I need a hysterscopy and if she can not come up with a valid reason why I am out of there. I already called Boston IVF to set up an appointment with them. Hopefully, they can get me in soon so the delay isn't even longer.

I had no issues with my clinic before this. I actually love the staff and my Dr. so this is a difficult thing for me. I really hope I am making the right choice. Originally I was going to wait until after this next IVF to switch clinics, had it not worked, but this just really upset me.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Will Work For Baby

Word out on the street is that I will work for a baby. Maybe I even stood on a corner holding out a sign?!? No, I have not gone that far yet, but I am taking any odd task that may come up just for an extra buck or two.

First, my mother, whom we told we would not accept money from devised a scheme to give me money without just giving it to me. I am painting her house. Rather then her pay the "shitty guy who ripped her off last time" by charging her way too much for way bad work, she asked me if I would paint her house. She will pay me less then the other guy charged, but still more then a part time job at McDonalds would pull in on a weekend. Done deal...

Oh and look at that Scotty - her storm doors need to be replaced. She will pay him for his carpentry skills too. As she rationalized it, she will be spending the money anyway. It made sense I guess, but in the back of my mind I know she would have put off painting the house and replacing the storm door had we not needed the money. Cute and appreciated :::wink:::

Next there is ChaCha, an online job where you answer inquiries that are texted to you and make money per answer. I failed the test to be a guide but then recieved an invite to test to be a translator. Basically I listen to some 14 year old ramble a stupid question and type what he says. Easy enough, and since I spend most my free time in front of a computer, it is something I can easily do in my spare time. Definitly not something that will get me rich anytime soon, and I won't quit my night job, but extra money is what I need! So I am thankful for all these little ways to do it without actually having to be able to ofit something extra in my schedule.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

A little snark.

Sometimes I can not help myself to read a post on a message board and keep my Devil Horns tucked in under my halo. I do know, a message board such as T-TTC on the nest is not the place for that snark, so I decided to come here to "let it out" a bit. Probably because there were two post in a row calling out for a little jab of the pitch fork.

First I will put the title of the post, then my snark filled answer, one that I did my darnedest not to type.

"I really hope I am pregnant this month" - Nope this month is no good for me, I have to get my nails painted and hair dyed. Next month would be better. Who cares if I have been trying for close to 6 years, spent 10k on IVF, October is just a bad month.

"Yay BFP" (14 posts under her name) - Umm, do I know you??

For the first one. It is a given. Yes, we all want it to be our month. Yes, I know a husbands birthday or a major holiday will help the celebration. But believe you me, it will be Christmas, New Years, Mother's - Father's day and the fourth of July all rolled up in one no matter what month we get our BFP.

The second one is probably my biggest pet peeve. It is like running into a RE's office and jumping up and down in the waiting area to exclaim your excitement. I hate to say it, but strangers do not care if you are pregnant. That works the same way on the boards as well. Yes, there are lurkers in the world, but your first, second or third post should not be a "look at me" post. Reply congrats to other BFP posts (surely there have been more the 14 BFP in the past 6 months since you joined). Offer ((hugs)) to those that need it ( I know more then 14 hugs were needed). Put yourself out there, even in the smallest way. You don't have to share your life or even post on a 24/7 bases but be there for us as you expect us to be there for you. Not so much to ask is it?

I am sure there are other posts that call for some snark, but these are todays entries. I am sorry if I offended anyone, I really do try to be as supportive as possible on the boards. Just some days...

Friday, October 10, 2008

1 in 6 and I am the 1

I recently got back together with a bunch of girls I used to hang around with in High School. College and careers along the way separated us. But it was always us six girls together "back in the day". So it is nice to hang out together now, twenty years later. TWENTY YEARS!

I will refer to all girls by the nicknames we went by in High School.

Murph - a mother of two girls. Married to her first love. Happy - not necessarily but out to prove everyone wrong none the less. We had always told her that S. was no good for her and he still isn't. But she has her family, and that is what she always wanted.

Doe - Two kids, a boy and a girl. Divorced and engaged to her new man. This one shocked me, because I never imagined her ever finally getting married. She had been engaged to about 4 different men in the 4 years we stayed in touch after school, but ultimately always broke it off before the big wedding date. So when I saw her and she showed me pictures of her 7 and 9 year old I was floored!

Lor - She had J right after high school and it really was the best thing for her. She then went to nursing school, got her life together and has been a wonderful mother. J is now 19. It is so weird to think my friends could have a 19 year old. Considering I am still trying for a little one.

Dee - Commitment was never her thing. She was the party girl and still is. Now partying is a little more difficult with her 8 year old son. An oops. Dee never wanted kids, but made the most of it when it happened.

M. - If one would describe her the first description would be "that anorexic girl" She would eat nothing but plain chicken breasts and plain leafy greens for as long as I have known her. If she weighed in at 101 I would be amazed. But she is healthy enough to have two children a year apart (2-3 years old), so what do I know?

And that leaves me with the 6th spot on the roster. Or the one spot. The black sheep? Sing it now "One of these things are not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong..." If you asked any of us 23 years ago who would most likely be a mother it would be a toss up between me and Murph. But now I am on the sidelines as they compare war stories.

It is hard for me to get together with them now. We were supposed to go out last week and I could not imagine sitting there as they passed around their summer vacation pictures or talked about what school was like for little Johnny. I just could not do it. So I cancelled and have no desire to pick up the phone and reschedule. None.

I could count my blessings. Out of all of us, I must admit to being the one with the most solid relationship. Out of all of us I am the one who owns my own home. But instead I focus in on the one thing I want that they all have. The one thing that would make my life picture perfect...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Paid in full!

Sort of. Bounce from one thing to the next with interest is more accurate, but IVF #1 is finally in the books, red in the books. But in the books none the less.

We got the bill and paid the balance off with our credit card and now we will be spending the next year paying that off. At least I know exactly what is going to be covered with insurance and what is not going into IVF#2 so it puts a lot of the uneasy guess work = stress out of the way. The labs ended up being covered fully so that took a huge chunk off the top as well and the bill was actually LESS then what I imagined. That does not happen often so I need to revel in that for a day or two. And another added bonus, we reached our deductible (of course) so next one will be even less! Buy one get one 25% off. I love a good deal! ::Smirk::

I am thankful I had the opportunity to be able to purchase an individual plan. With out this we would have been lucky to have been able to afford one. So this plan gives us 3 chances. Maybe four. My heart breaks for anyone that does not have coverage. We are still scraping pennies to do this WITH 50% (no drug) coverage, I can not even imagine what it would be like paying in full for everything.

My mind does still wonder sometimes, maybe loosing full coverage less then a month before doing IVF (my first IVF was supposed to be in July) was some type of sign telling me to not even try? Was I supposed to fight this hard and go in this much debt to be a mother? Now with the economy as scary as it is, I question it further. This is not the time to go into debt. I was never in debt before. We were a cash and carry type of couple. So this is all new to us. Scary and new.

Here we are though, in the hole for one and starting to dig another one for one more chance. "Sorry son or daughter (or both) you are going to have to get a job at 12 to afford college, because mom and dad spent your college fund before you were even born"...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

October is here!

I have always loved fall. The crisp air, the changing leaves. The Red Sox in the play offs!! Now I have my consult on the 22nd to look forward to as well. Hopefully I will be celebrating a World Series victory that day as well, although let's hope that the rolling rally will not be that day.

It is funny, being a life long Red Sox fan, how in seasons past the news that Josh Becket had a muscle strain and will be delayed to start would make my whole world dark and grey. Maybe it is due to having two world championship trophies under our wing, or maybe it is due to having more important life altering tragedies under my belt. What ever it is, I am not affected by it one bit.

I am hopeful that they can come up with a win, but if they don't I will be okay just as I was okay with Tom Brady's injury and the doomed fate of the Patriots this year! Life goes on.

Maybe it has something to do with me linking the meaning of a World Series win means I am pregnant? It was a popular saying in my house for years. "If the Red Sox win this game I will get a positive HPT" As you can see, even when they won I would come up empty handed. So maybe a World Series loss will give me a BFP. After all I can not expect to many miracles in the same month can I? Hmm. Something to think about!

So October brings in new air, new hope. As the butterflies duck for cover, fly south for the winter - or what ever they do. My butterfly of hope remains and perhaps even grows stronger.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Is it October 22nd yet?

Nope, it's not even October. I can not wait until the 22nd to get things moving ahead. I am so sick of waiting in purgatory - not sure which way my life is heading.

I talked my way out of the business trip I was supposed to go on in mid November, so if all works out I should be cycling by then and close to another ER. I need to call the REs nurse and see if she will let me go on BCP before meeting for the WTF appointment. I really hope so. I can not sit out another month. The waiting is killing me, and I am not enjoying the break at all. It is more like I am crossing days off the calendar until my life will begin at this point.

So that is it for me. Closing out September 2008 the same way I have been closing out every month. Hopeful sometimes, defeated most the time.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Moving on to IVF #2

I am slowly starting to get out of the funk I have been in for the past week. These two days off helped me. Since I had to work since I got the news, I think I tried to push everything to the back of my mind and not deal with it. So this "weekend" (my weekend is Wednesday and Thursday) I got to think and cry and get past it. I can not say get over - because every BFN is a notch on the belt that will not go away, but I can accept it and I can look forward to number two. Which is something.

Next one will be different. I have faith in my Dr learning something from the past cycle and adjusting the protocol for a better result. If it does not turn into my BFP cycle, I at least hope to obtain a few more frosties. It is not over, there have been many IVF#2 successes, and just because I failed the first does not write me off for the second.

I do want to thank everyone, both here following my blog and on the Nest. You held my hand in the darkest hours and guided me towards the light. Words can not say how thankfull I am for all your support.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

When your down you might as well be kicked in the stomach.

That is what this AF is feeling like. I am not one to get much cramping with AF, but wow. For the past two days it really feels like I am being kicked repeatedly in the uterus. And - maybe too much info - but I have never bled this much either. I hope it starts to slow down a bit.

My follow up appointment is October 22nd. Which means there goes 36. I was convinced I would be pregnant before turning 37 - this was the year. Guess not. My birthday is Novemeber 8th. So there you have it, another year past with no pregnancy. Another year I blow the candles on the cake and wish as hard as I can.

I am trying to let go. I am trying get out of this funk and just gear up and get ready for the coming cycle. But hope is starting to slip away. Each cycle I was sure it was it, wasn't. What will be different this time?

I went to Wholefoods yesterday and stocked up on Wheatgrass. I was going to buy DHEA as well, but Scott is not comfortable with me taking it. So I will drink Wheatgrass this cycle and see if it will help the amount of eggs retrieved. Hopefully my Dr. will come up with a protocol that will also help.

I would love a FET cycle. My mom is convinced the one frozen from this past cycle is "our girl" because she is a fighter and the M woman were born fighters. I just don't want to defrost just the one and have "her" not make it. So I will wait until I have more.

I am trying to just let go and enjoy this shot free month, but I can't just yet. My mind is still wandering and wondering if there was anything I did to make this cycle a bust. I am more angry then sad, and I don't want to be angry. I just want to let go - but I can't.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Pity Party For One...

It hit me yesterday morning. The numbness of the two days knowing this cycle was a bust turned to sadness, and anger, and bitterness and then back to sadness. I wiped those tears away and went to work. Got the call from the RE and did not cry. I just worked, like it was any other day.

Then when I got home, I saw Scott and he was not any of those things. My rock. I got mad at him and I yelled at him (Yes I feel incredibly guilty for that, because I know he is going through this with me). I asked him why he could just be so ho-hum about all of this.

He told me that we knew there was a chance this wouldn't work. He told me we will try again and then he told me he didn't marry me for children, he married me to be married to me and to spend the rest of his life with me and he loves me and will love me no matter what. So then I felt guilty. Because, yes I married him because I want to spend my life with him. I married him because I love him. But I always pictured us with them, the children we can not seem to have.

Does that make me a bad person that I can not stop picturing a life with children? Does it make me a bad person that I am afraid of that life without kids? I am afraid of the unknown.

So I drank some wine. Wine, that in the perfect world I would not have been able to drink for another 8 months. I went to sleep and I woke up in a complete funk.

I went for Dunkin Donuts coffee this afternoon and was caught in the Parade route. A parade I did not even know was happening today. If I was a parent I would have known this kind of thing. So I got mad. What does a mad person do when stuck in traffic - beep there horn. There take that, you stupid looking bozo clowns and old men with beanies and segways!

Then I get home and read the paper. More coverage about the 9 month old who fell out a 4 story window because the father was stupid enough to leave him lying in a bed that was next to an open window. They are blaming the landlord for not having window gaurds. I got bitter. People like this are worthy of having children, yet I who know not to place a child's bed or crib anywhere close to a window remain empty handed.

Then I spoke to my mom, who told me not to give up. I will not give up. I will continue to spend money we don't have in hopes of this dream. But I do know in reality that there is a line in the sand and we made it - 3 IVFs and each step we take brings us closer to that line that may as well be made with perminant marker. Because after three, the well will run dry. Then I became sad...

Friday, September 19, 2008

Today was Beta day

Denial is more then just a river...

Even though I got the negative the other day I had still hoped for the Congratulations your beta # is... instead I got " Unfortunatly it did not work this time". So that is it. IVF # 1 complete. I am sure tomorrow I will get the bill in the mail to kick me while I am down, but until that point - it is on to thinking about next round.

I decided I would do another fresh, even though I have one frozen embryo I rather save that for when I have more then just one to thaw. My RE requires me to take a month off before starting another cycle. So I will meet her Oct 22. Hopefully we can get an IVF round in November even though I need to go away for 4 days for work. If my math is working right, it should fit in pretty good. Or I will need to extend the BCP for a little while longer.

So that is it. I am dusting myself off and jumping back on the horse after a few glasses of wine.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I tested today.

And I saw the sight I have seen so many million times before. A stark white pee stick. Nada nothing. Thanks for playing - but you lose.

I called Scott at work and all he could say was "They told you not to test for a reason - just wait until Friday" Well I know and you all know that 12dp3dt or other wise known as 15dpo I should have gotten a pretty accurate result. So it is done. Of course there are things that are making me doubt the accuracy, I have lived in the land of denial for a long time. Until AF shows, it isn't over and all that crap. I didn't use FMU. I held my urine though, but maybe not long enough? Maybe I got a defective test? Maybe this brand of test is not as sensitive as others I should have bought - never buy the ones on sale damn it! Maybe they implanted late? Maybe Scott is right???

I cried for a second, but I feel mostly numb. I have looked at this test at every different angle and for far longer then the advised 10 minutes and am convincing myself that there is a light line there - Of course after 10 minutes, there might be. But I know it took longer then the 10 to show up, which means null and void. An evap and nothing more.

I really don't know how I should react to this. I guess I am pretty used to this sight and this feeling. I thought it would hurt more then it does, but it had never been. Never for close to 6 years now. So that feeling of distraught is replaced by anger and disbelief. I will jump on the horse again. I have a snow baby as well.

This is only strike one - I have two more at bats.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

So much for positive thinking.

Today I feel nothing. I don't think I felt anything yesterday either. Besides anxious and impatient, that is. So another day down and 3 to go and now I am in my doubting mode again. The wait is killing me. Scott seems to be doing okay with it. I wish I had his patience!

So that is it. Sorry nothing more exciting to report - just more ups and downs of the waiting game.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Avoidance of the family planning aisle.

If I can avoid it while grocery shopping or going to the drug store, no one will get hurt. But as the days get closer and closer to 14dpo (or egg retrieval), it gets harder and harder. That day is Wednesday.

Scott and I agreed to wait until beta day, which isn't until 14dp3dt... We want to listen to the message together. Scott does not want me to POAS in fear that it would not be accurate. I know that with having BETA so late that chances are by Thursday (15 days past egg retrieval) it will be accurate though and I am not sure if I can make it.

Yes, we agreed - or he talked me into it. But for years I picture the "surprise" element of a BFP. You know the one that we visioned for so many months when we thought sex could get someone pregnant. The bun in the oven. The "baby" carrots and "baby" back ribs for dinner.... The picture of a PREGNANT hpt all wrapped up in a box. I would love to do something like that, I have seen his face in my mind when seeing the surprise for many months and many years. Although if I do it now, he would still need the BETA to confirm. Just like I think I would need the beta to confirm. But there is something to be said for seeing two lines. Two amazing lines! Those things actually make two lines, or so I have been told!

As you can see from the above, I pretty much have convinced myself that I am pregnant. I peed three times at the Red Sox game yesterday (plus before I left the house and when I returned). I NEVER pee at a Red Sox game and I wasn't even drinking beer. Oh and the "If they win, it means I am pregnant" thing I do told me so - they won 4-3.

Next - I have a yeast infection. Yes, I have gotten them before. But it has been said that yeast infections can happen during early pregnancy. And I have not had one in about 2 years.

Then the third thing - I cried over a cheeseburger last night. I wanted a Jack Attack from a local restaurant, it is basically a big mac made fresh and with real meat. My sister placed an order for us, a large order... and they forgot my burger. So because we knew it would take another hour for that burger to come my sister offered half of her salad. NO. Scott offered me half his sub. NO. I wanted that damn burger, so what does any rational person do - cry. Like a two year old.

So when my mother looked at me with the "I know you are pregnant" look she has been giving me this past week (she does my shots, so I see her all the time) I turned to her and said "It is just the progesterone - it mimics early pregnancy symptoms" and I half believe that... but I still can't shake this feeling that this thing worked. There - I said it!

Friday, September 12, 2008

I love roller coasters...

I was the girl who barely reached the measuring stick and forcing my older (and taller) sister to come on with me as she was begging me not to make her do it. I was the girl at Universal talking Scott into doing The Hulk with the 3 loops and screaming thundering roar. This roller coaster I am on now though is by far the worst one I have ever been on and I want to get off. Now!

One second I am on the highest of high hills, getting really excited, just sure that these little one(s) stuck. Next minute I am at the dark bottomless pit thinking there is just no way. I still have a week to go. 7 days of ups and downs and loop de loops.

I craved milk last night. I got ill eating a peice of cake at my pedicurist. I get cramps occasionally. I thought there was the tiniest of tiny spots of pink when I wiped yesterday. All of this and I think I am just losing my mind and grasping at any straw I can, or even maybe making it all up in my mind.

I stopped checking symptoms about 2 years ago. I knew that it was all a mind game, that I could make anything a symptom had I wanted to. Now though as the picture of my embabies hangs before me on the desk, I am convinced that these symptoms MUST be real.

:::record scratch:::

What if they are not and in 7 days I am devestated. I don't want to be devestated. I don't want to look Scott in the eyes and tell him it didn't work. For the first time in all of this, he sounds like he has hope too. He was talking baby to me last night - something we have not done in years! His parents got sent a picture of the embies and are joking that embie 1 looks like MIL. My mom everytime she sees me says "hows my granddaughter" (she wants a girl don't you know). I don't want to disappoint them, I don't want to disappoint myself.

In all reality though, there is a 55 - 60% chance that I will disappoint. This was never a done deal from the beginning. Yeah, 4-5 eggs fertilized. Something I never imagined. Yeah, one embryos made it to freeze. Just WOW. 3 out of 5 eggs good enough. BUT we still have to see if they will stick. And sticking is the most important part of all and I am afraid that eventually all this good news will turn to bad. It is just too good. There has to be a flip side.

That has been the story of my life so far.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Just when I think I might be pregnant BAM my body plays tricks on me. For days I have been so tired and so achey and so crampy. I was really starting to be hopeful.

This morning I wake up and besides a runny nose from the cold I seem to be getting, I feel nothing. I am energized, the dull cramps have gone and I am not even feeling my sore butt anymore. Today I am convinced it failed and we will have to try again.

I can not believe I have to wait one more week for testing. Next Friday seems to be miles away and Scott doesn't think we should test before hand. He thinks that if I do it could be a false positive, even though the hcg should be pretty much out of my system by now. Or a false negative and he doesn't want me to be bummed out.

So I guess we wait.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I feel like shit.

Sorry but there is no other way to put it then that. I am sore all over. Not just my ass anymore but my back, my legs and I feel as if I have a flu or something.

I woke up last night 2 times to go to the bathroom and then at about 4am I had THE worst cramps ever. I don't normally get very bad AF cramps, but this was killer. I could not get back to sleep for about an hour trying everything, except to get up and get tylenol (yeah I am lazy) to make them go away. So now, I am tired.

Then there is the issue with my throat. It is so sore and it feels as though I am catching a cold. I think I should just go back to bed and try again tomorrow.

Don't get me wrong, this will be so worth it if I see a BFP at the end of all this. But I do hope it means something, and I am not just feeling like an elephant walked on me for nothing.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

And more waiting...

Well, it has been a week since they took my eggs out. That leaves me with 11 days until I get my Beta. ELEVEN DAYS! I am at the stage where every cramp means something, the fact that I wake up sore and tired is a sign. Of course it is most likely just the progesterone doing it's thing. Most likely I am over analyzing. Everything.

I am afraid to hope. I am afraid to doubt. If I hope to much, the let down will be huge. If I doubt I will put that into the universe and it will bite me in the butt. My butt does not need any more trauma then the PIO is already giving it, so I just wait with baited breath.

The question of whether I should test the Thursday before Beta is still a question in my mind. I probably will hold out as long as possible and see what Thursday brings. Right now, I am afraid I will see that one line. The one line that has stuck it's tongue out at me for months, even years. I promised myself after my first IUI, when I POAS and AF showed just hours later, that I would never test before a beta again. There was a reason I made that promise to myself. The let down was hard! But wouldn't the let down of a nurse calling me saying "sorry, you just threw 7k (estimated) out the window" hurt a lot more? Anyway you slice it, unless this is positive it is going to suck!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Two days down.

I feel like crap! I think the progesterone is kicking me in the ass. I feel tired ALL the time and I am achy - and not just in my butt where the shots go, but all over.

I had to work last night, there was no way to take off a Saturday. I tried to take it as easy as possible and since my Dr. doesn't require bed rest I thought I would be fine. I kind of regret doing it, so if I should have to do this again I know better and will take at least two days off.

So two days down. I can not stop comparing my embryos with others on line. That is what I do for at least an hour a day until I feel comfortable that they look pretty damn good.

I am not sure whether being pessimistic is the best way to go, or whether I should be optimistic... which would hurt less? Should I test before beta or wait. Will it hurt to hear it more then to stare at another BFN? I will be at work when the results come in. Should I wait until I get home? Should I call in sick that day?

Just twelve more days of pretending it is not constantly on my mind.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Embryo Transfer complete.

We transfered 2 embryos. One was a 7 cell, the other 6. From what I understand they like to transfer any where from 6 cell to 8 cell on day three. So I guess that is good.

I asked the embryologist what grade they were and she said they do not grade them like that, but they were good. I was looped up on vallum at the time so took that as an acceptable answer and went on to spread my legs.

Now that I am home, I am searching the internet for info on what makes a great quality egg. Comparing my pictures to everyone elses. Yes, obsessing - what else is new!

So here they are. The debut off embie 1 and 2. We are not very creative with names as you can tell.

We have two more that they are watching but as of day three they were only 5 cells each. So I am not remaining very hopeful that they will make it to freeze.

The transfer itself was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I think the worst part was the full bladder and how at times it felt as though she was poking it and it would burst at any second. I had to shut my eyes , as if shutting my eyes would help me hold my pee in better, so I did not get to see anything on the monitor. I asked Scott if he watched and he saw stuff, but not a clue what it was.

So that's it. Now all I have to do is wait for 2 weeks before my beta. September 19th.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


I am a control freak. I am impatient. Put them together and I am a mess.

The only thing I know and will know is that 4 out of 5 fertilized. I have no idea if they are growing and if they are growing, how strong they are. I keep thinking worse case scenerios like them all arresting. Then I try to push the negative thoughts aside and think they are all Grade A super embabies.

I am supposed to call this afternoon to confirm if ET is still on. They will not tell me anything at this point except yes or no. If yes, I can assume the embabies are still alive but nothing else. It sucks having no control over this outcome. I wish I could drive to the lab and see them and tell them to fight, but even then they still need to do all the work.

In other news, well there is no other news. My life and all it's thoughts are revolving aroud this IVF right now.

But anywho, I did my first PIO shot last night. It went smoothly, but I can tell after about 3 of these my buttocks just might fall off. It is so tender just after one, that I can only imagine what a week or two of these will bring. Ouchie!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Fertilization Report

I thought the call would never come! Each hour that went by, I got more nervous and horrible thoughts ran through my head. Like "They will save the bad calls for last - that is how I would do it, that is why it is taking so long"
I am sure anyone who has waited on this call had similar thoughts.

But it came. Four out of the five fertilized! That is all I know and I am so hopeful that two of them will be strong and heathy come Friday for my transfer.

Now tonight I need to head to my mothers for my first progesterone shot. Scott said he would be willing to try, but I feel so much more comfortable if he just watched a few times. Maybe even do one with my mother guiding him.

Egg Retrival and more waiting.

Yesterday went better then I had imagined. I have never been put under before, so I really didn't know what to expect. They had us come in at 8:30 for a 10:30 retrieval. Scott made his contribution as soon as we arrived, then we waited.

I have always liked reading detailed accounts, so will share mine.

They brought us to the back where other ERs were waiting to go in or coming too from it. Had me change into the extra large hospital gown and hair net and then placed me on a reclining chair. Scott read his book and I sat there worrying. The nurse offered to get me a magazine, but I knew I wouldn't be able to read.

One woman, who was coming too, was getting sick from the anesthesia and that made me worry more. I wasn't sure what to expect from it. I did find out that my Dr. was performing the ER, which was calming.

At about 9:30 the nurse took my blood pressure and stats. She told me I would be hooked up to the machine when I came too. Then the anesthesiologist came to ask me all my medical questions. When I told him it was my first time he was surprised. Then he walked me through everything step by step. He was very good. He gave me some "happy medicine" that just got me light headed and I don't remember if Scott kissed me or wished me luck I just remember going into the ice cold retrieval room.

In there I saw Inna, the intern who did all my u/s this week. She was talking to me and telling me to think of a nice place to go when I was under. I told her I would go to Aruba since we couldn't afford a vacation there this year (we used to go every other year). She laughed. But I was serious - the ER was my trip to Aruba, it cost just as much, but was a little to cold to want to return.

The anesthesiologist gave me more "happy meds" and then placed a mask over my face. He told me to breathe heavy. It smelt like plastic and tasted like gas. I took about 4-5 breaths and got tired. Then he said take a few more breaths...

And that's all I remember.

I woke up in a fog. I remember asking the nurse how many eggs they got. She said five. I must have sounded disappointed because she looked on my chart and said "They got all the ones they have been tracking on your ultra sounds - that's good" I said I was hoping some were hiding.

Then I looked at the machine I was hooked up to. I was fascinated by this machine. I mentioned how it wasn't beeping I think a few times. The nurse said it is good when it doesn't beep.

They got Scott and he waited with me until I had some ginger ale and crackers and took some Tylenol. A few minutes later the nurse asked me if I felt okay to try to get dressed. I said yes.
I went to the bathroom where they asked me to check if I was bleeding. I was spotting but not bad. Then I got dressed and went home.

I was hungry but my throat was sore so Scott made me some soup when I got home. I ate that and then went to sleep for about 5 hours. When I woke up I was crampy, but not bad. I spent the rest of the night in bed, my dog lying with me.

Today I woke up at 6am from all the sleep I got. I have a long wait for my fertility report. They said they will call between 1-3pm. I am trying to stay hopeful. I know all it takes is one, but I would really love at least 2-3 nice healthy embryos! I'll update when I get the news. Fingers and toes crossed!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Egg Retrieval is Scheduled

So I got the word yesterday that I am ready. My e2 is 932, the day before was 723 so the nurse said it is getting higher and that is a good thing. I just feel as though it is on the low side from what I have read on the Boards. As another nestie told me though, I need to stop comparing my numbers with everyone else. Not everyone is the same, and I need to just think about me. So I am trying, although I am worried none the less!

I triggered last night. I had to work, so my Mom came in to trigger me at 11pm. I work at a bar, so my mother comes in at about 10pm and orders a Pomegranate Martini... Hello! You are about to stick me with a huge ass needle (no pun intended), I really don't think getting buzzed before hand is a good idea. So she gives me the lecture of her doing this for 40 years. How she teaches new nurses how to do this daily (she is a nursing instructor) and she can do it blind folded. So I went ahead and made her a very weak martini =)

The next hour dragged on... I stopped to talk to her for a minute and I said "You won't hurt me, will you?" to which she replied "Oh it's going to hurt. You . Not me" Thanks Mom! And then the clock went slower.

So at 10:55 we head into my bosses office. Lock the door behind us and I pull my pants down. My Mom has me lie across the desk and I am freaking out inside (probably on the outside too) My head is up against a big desk calculator and every time I rest my head the thing prints the tape.... She does the shot and I felt nothing. Nothing at all except a little pinch like a bug bite. Done! I freaked out for nothing!

Hopefully the boss won't review the security tape today!

And I am triggered. ER is at 10:30 tomorrow. We need to be in at 8:30 so they can get me ready and H's sample.

Wish me luck!

Sunday, August 31, 2008

They think I might be ready!

And I think I might throw up!

Todays scan revealed a 19, 18 and 18mm on my right, and a 16, 16 and 11mm on the left. My lining is still a 10 and I have no clue what my e2 is. That is what we are waiting on. The bloodwork will tell them for sure if I am about to trigger or not. So about 6 hours I have to wait. Six hours to know if I will need Tuesday and Friday off of work... Six hours to know if my mother (she is the butt shot giver because Scott is afraid of butt shots) will have to come into my work tonight and give me my trigger. Six hours of torcher!

Now I don't normally do this. I am not best friends with God. He seems not to listen to me very often, but I am calling on him today and solliciting your thoughts and prayer as well. Please God, make this work. Please! I could think of a million bargaining chips I could throw in at this point, like I will never swear again or I will never say an unkind thing to another human being, but nothing seems to fit the severety of this.

I am an overall good person. I will love this child with all my heart and soul. Isn't that the best bargaining chip anyone could use?


I guess if it was, a ton of us would not be suffering from infertility...

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Todays stim check.

Well I have some substantial follies in there. On the right she said she couldn't get a very good angle because my ovary was pretty low and she didn't want to cause any discomfort trying to move the probe around down there, but from what she could see I had a 15mm, and two 13's. On my left, I have two 12's "and some smaller ones". My lining is a 10, which is thicker then it was for all three IUIs (it was an 8 for those)!

I asked her if I would need more drugs because I only have enough to stim through Monday and she said right now it looks like I would stim for tonight and tomorrow and then trigger on Monday, but she would know more tomorrow!

So now I am in freak out mode. I can not wait until they call me with my E2 levels. I can not wait until tomorrow to know FOR SURE when this is all going to happen. I honestly think the not knowing is the worst. I am a planner and not having a for sure plan kills me!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

My second stim check

Well things are getting better (I think). My left ovary caught up with my first and I have a 10 and 7mm "and a bunch of little ones" and on my right I have a 10, 9, 7 and 6mm. My E2 jumped to a respectable 382! So I think I am progressing nicely. It sounds a lot more impressive anyway compared to the dinky 42 I had on Monday.

So more stims. More lupron and another stim check on Saturday!

It occurred to me today that Monday is Labor Day (yeah no going away for me, so why would I remember it?) and I will be out of stims by that night. So I have to figure out Saturday if I should order more so I have them on time for Tuesday. I really hope I trigger by Monday. That will save me from spending another grand on meds AND from the dilemma of what to do if Scott can't get off Thursday from work. Yes Scott's boss is an ass and needs to take Thursday off, God only knows why, so with it only being them in the dpartment Scott needs to be there. Yep, thanks for being a nice understanding - dick head!

Monday, August 25, 2008

First stim check today.

Well I am moving - a lot slower then I assumed considering my IUI cycles would be close to over at this point. But I guess the added Lupron is helping my body not bug out from all the stims. So on my right side I have an 8mm, 7mm and 6mm and on my left a 5mm. She said she saw a few smaller ones as well on both sides. E2 level is only a 48....

But of course because of my slow growth, that means I will need more meds after all, adding to the grand total of the med bill and bringing it up over $2000. Thank god my insurance covers half - too bad it doesn't cover all.

My next stim check is on Thursday, I am hoping to see more substantial follies then so I feel as though I am going somewhere.

In other news, I was informed that I need to attend a conference in Vegas come November. This could not have come at a worse time. I tried to get out of it, but everytime I do my boss says I am the only one qualified to attend. I just hope this is all over with by then. Not only could this trip get in the way of another IVF cycle (if needed) but Vegas is the DEVIL! There is nothing worse then to stick a person with ZERO money in a gamblers paridise, espescially if that person loves to gamble. So I will spend 8 hours in classes, and then have to lock myself in my room for the remainder of the night to avoid temptation. No Vegas shows, no nice restaraunts... no money! Ick.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Started stims yesterday...

So in about a week I should be on my way to ER and ET. I am filled with a million different emotions at this point. One second I am scared that my follies will not grow or I am mixing meds wrong. The next second I am daydreaming of what the nursery will look like or how excited I will be to see the pictures of my little embies before transfer. Then back to worried about how I will feel if this all does not work, how we will afford to do another. How patient Scott will be with all of this and how far he really wants to go.

We had a conversation the other night about how he will not be as devistated as me if this doesn't work. He can picture a child free life style... I on the other hand, am not wanting that at all. Would I be happy with that? I am sure there are aspects of it that I would enjoy. Sleeping late on weekends, coming and going as I please, traveling where and when we want... But 30 years from now will I look back with sorrow?

I want a daughter. To see her grow, to do her hair. To watch her going to her prom, getting married, having a child of her own. I want a son to watch him grow, to play catch. To see his first date or teach him to drive a car.

All that would be missing if this doesn't work and all I would have is a picture of two - four - six -eight embies. No I am not ready for a child free lifestyle at all!!!

So, stims please work. Body please work. Let these babies grow for 9 months nice and strong in my body. I love them already!!!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Moving right along...

I stopped BCP on Sunday night. Yesterday I got AF and it was THE worst AF ever. The cramps were something I have not felt since I think I was 16 and all that pain to really not have much of a period. Seriously, you would think I would be gushing, but I already think she is gone. It was that light.
But on to my supression check tomorrow morning. If everything is looking good I start stims tomorrow. *Insert deep breath here*

Sunday, August 17, 2008

"Love can conqueor all"

Shouldn't that be money? Does Angelina really love Brad so much more then I love Scott for her to be able to adopt several children or have IVF? Does Madonna love herself more then I love Scott for her to be able to take over some African nation and have a school full of children if she wanted to? Not to mention the hundreds of other Hollywood starlets who "turn up" pregnant after the age of 40.

It is so frustrating to know that we basically have only a few shots at this before the well runs dry and we can no longer afford treatment. Hopefully, I won't need those few tries but it scares me to know the only reason why I may not be a mother comes down to money. It is unfair!

Thursday, August 14, 2008


My TTTC Sister who was testing positive all week got a negative on Wednesday, the day before her beta. I and the rest of the nest had our fingers crossed all day hoping she would report good news, and that BFN would turn out to be a fluke. It was negative.

My heart breaks for her. It is such a roller coaster ride. I can only imagine what she is feeling right now! How cruel is this world to give hope where there is almost none, only to take it away again. She had gone through enough already, she didn't need that!

I also am amazed how these women on the Nest, whom I never met face to face or talk to in anything more then a typed word, have impacted my life so greatly. They are so strong and supportive and amazing! I am lucky to have found this board and I am lucky for the friends I have made. We are all sisters on this cruel journey. Sisters who do not want to be connected in such a way.
I spent the day with my nephews yesterday. It is so fun to hang out with them now. (Plus the day flew by, bringing me one step closer to this IVF) They have grown into little men and have so many questions and are so interested in the world. Connor never stops talking. Sean is the quiet and shy one, but he takes in everything his brother has to say and takes mental notes.

It is so hard to get them both in a picture... but I tried! One is usually going one way, while the other is in the opposite directions.

They are my sisters IUI miracles. She got a BFP on her second IUI with clomid.

It is so amazing how from day one these two little guys interacted with each other, for a little while they didn't acknowledge one another. Now they love playing together and fighting with each other.

This makes me secretly hope for twins of my own. Not only because they will always have a built in friend, but because my ideal family will be done in one shot. I am not entirely sure if we would go through IVF again for a second child. If we had any frozen embryos we most likely would do a FET, but with everything IF related the finances trump the want!

Of course, this IVF has to work and I would take one over none any day of the week!

I always feel as though when ever I think about a preference, whether it be a boy/girl or one/two or anything, I need to clarify as not to create some type of hex on the greedy.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

1st Lupron shot today.

It got here a lot faster then I imagined. It seems like only yesterday I started BCP. Ten more days to go until I go in for my baseline to check if I am suppressed enough to begin stims! I can only hope these 10 days go just as fast!

Scott did the shot - he has become quite the shot pro in these last few months! I can not do it myself. I freak even if I look at him going to jab me! So I shut my eyes and he does it! Done. A little welt formed and it itched for a few minutes, but according to the nesties, this has happened from time to time with them. I am not overly concerned since the itch and welt are now gone.

On a happy note: My T-TTC sister Morgan got a PREGNANT on her HPT. Her beta is not until tomorrow, but I am so excited for her! If you are reading this - I am throwing you all kinds of wicked awesome beta dust for tomorrow!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Our house

So in my last post I told everyone about my fixer upper. When we bought the house I was so happy to be able to transform this house into what we wanted. We did pretty much 80% of the work ourselves. With help from Scott's friend Derek (a carpenter) and his brother Glen (an electrician). Here is some pics of our kitchen. It came a long way...

Sadly, I didn't take many before pictures, it didn't occur to me until our kitchen was almost all gutted out.

Kitchen before (picture the pink all through the house):

Kitchen During and After:

And...Of course: Jaxie supervising and making sure the boys are doing a good job!

Friday, August 8, 2008

What brought me to today.

It occured to me that not a lot of people know what brought me here. I have been on the T-TTC board of The Nest since it's conception over a year ago, before then I lingered on BOTB as resident expert, to guide the noobs whom as soon as the posted with questions about cervical mucus would then announce their BFP - like it was easy. I witnessed more births of noob babies then I would like to count. I think a few people lapped me with #2 as well.

I have been doing this since January of 2003. Although some people would say I was doing this since I got married, we stopped birth control on our honeymoon after all. I would like to say that I don't really count those days, if it worked I would have counted it, but since it didn't why tack on even more months of coming up empty handed? So bare with me, this might get long - hard to jam 5 (okay 6) years of history into just a few paragraphs...

So in January 2003 I logged into the internet and searched TTC. What came up was info about charting, OPKs, cervical mucus, handy little calenders. Wow so much stuff I never even knew about. The art of making a baby was actually studied. People didn't just have sex and get pregnant? Maybe I was doing it wrong these last few months???

So the first thing I tried was the calendar thing. I plugged in my cycle length and got the date of when to have sex. Pretty easy right? So I made sure to seduce Scott on those nights. 1-2-3 months pass, nothing. Hmm okay how about that chart thing. I join I start temping, but I don't want Scott to know I had become obsessed so get out of bed in the morning go to the bathroom and then temp. Until my chart showed no clear ovulation signs from doing it wrong for three months... Then I read the instructions - oh. Hmm, maybe it is time to tell Scott I am obsessed. So then we attempt to do it the right way for the next 6 months. I get a clear shift, cd 12 - sometimes cycle day 14, sometimes cd 10? CD 10??? The calender never told me to have sex on cd 10! I was timing it way to late for those few months. That's it - that is why I am not getting pregnant! EUREKA! So we start having sex on cd8 and keep going until cd 16... surely 7 nights of sex in a row would work? Nope...

That brings us close to 2004. We get the call from Scott's dad - he is selling the apartment building. You see, we had a cozy little deal, Scott's dad owned a 15 unit building. We lived there rent free in exchange for maintaining it. We got to save money to buy a house eventually and his dad didn't have to worry about the building. Cool deal! Until it ended sooner then we would have liked it to.

So we need to look for a house. In a very HCOL area with only about 20k down... hmm. Should we go condo? Scotts dad says no, condos are not a good investment in an area that is jam packed with condos. Look for single family. We do, to discover we will never find a home we could afford. Then we decide fixer upper is the way to go. So we look and look until we find a home, which over all have great structure although the insides were from the 50's with pepto bismol walls. We buy it! And we do about 6 months of renovations. I stop charting, we stop timing sex and we concentrate on remodeling our home.

That brings us to the end of 2005 and starting up the baby making process again. I try for 6 more month and throw OPKs in the mix. Then make an appointment with my Dr. in 2006. The Dr discovers I have hypothyroidism... and I get an irregular PAP. So I go on meds to regulate my thyroid. I also end up having a coloscopy and then a LEEP - no sex for 3 months to heal. After the 3 months my thyroid is still wacked and we keep upping meds until something takes. Finally at the start of 2007 we found the dose. I decide to try on my own again. I would give it 6 months and if still nothing we would break down and see an RE.

Six months past, bringing me to November of 2007 and a call to an RE. More tests and the "unexplained" diagnosis. My Dr. wants to be agressive since I am 36 and we head straight to IUI with injectable. We would do three and then move onto IVF before I turn 37....

My 37th birthday is in November, I have blown out so many candles and made the wish for a baby. I really am hoping that this November the wish will be that the baby in my belly will grow nice and strong!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Yep babies are the buzz at blogger...

Nothing like logging in to poor your heart out about the struggles of infertility to see this smack in your face.

Blogger Babies
August 4, 2008 —
Babies are all the buzz at Blogger. Within the last few months we've had three new additions to the Blogger Team: Ryan, Aditya, and Haley. Although it'll probably be a few years before they start sounding off themselves, we get to post some cute pics of them now.

It is not just here, but everywhere. The nest has "baby bump contests", random web sites have pictures of newborns, toddlers, pregnant bellies. Various Hollywood couples, and single teenagers turning up pregnant. You name it everywhere I turn there it is.

Even at the REs office on the elevator ride up, you get stuck next to a 8 month pregnant women. Lucky enough to get off on the 4th floor, while I continue the lonely ride up the next 6 flights. Everyone it seems looking at the directory wondering what is on the 10th floor. Sometimes I am lucky enough to share that elevator ride with another women. After the 9th floor, when the two of us remain, there seems to be this silent comradiery that goes on. I have never spoken to one of these women, I just don't know what to say. But I am so glad I am not alone.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

And then there were needles...

My meds arrived today. 4 lbs of NEEDLES. I pulled out a bag of pescription bottles. About 4 boxes of meds. Alcohol wipes, gauze pads and needles. About 4 HUGE bags of needles. In all shapes and sizes. Half inch, Two inch and every size inbetween.

Talk about over whelming! I would post a picture of them, but in all honesty I have looked at pics of IVF meds before and it never seems as overwhelming as people discribed. I guess not until that UPS guy rings your bell and you open that box yourself do you realize - HOLY CRAP, that is a lot of stuff.

I got advice from a nestie to put everything I need for each day into a little baggy. That way I can just take what I need from the fridge and go. It probably will break down everything a bit better in my mind. Because, for some strange reason, it seems easier to imagine without looking at all the meds and different color needles all crammed together.

So that's it. I am already to go until next wednesday when the shots begin! Maybe I can take a little mental break from now until then - doubt it!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Sticker shock!

I just ordered the meds and the bill came to $2101. for everything... ouch! That is a mortgage payment. My insurance only covered 50% - I am lucky I have insurance, but I went to full coverage to having self paid insurance, so this still is a shock to me.

The pharmacy even called to make sure it was right - the last time I was on Gonal F I had a $15 co pay. This time not as lucky. So she asked if I wanted to just order 7 days worth and then call when I was running out to order more if needed. I jumped at that chance (who wants to throw out $100's of dollars of meds you don't need). So that brought the total to $1601... There goes dinner out for a while and I will have to make my own nachos at home!

I have my protocol!!!

Thanks to the ladies over on The Nest who helped me figure out which protocol it was... The Long Lupron protocol. I went blank after my nurse told me est egg retrieval (ER) date, that all I could say was "okay thank you" about 20 times before getting off the phone with her so did not ask her what the protocol name was.

So here it is... I will start Lupron, one shot of 10 units every morning starting August 13th. Then I will stop BCP on the 17th after that I will have an ultrasound (u/s) on August 22nd and if I am supressed enough I will begin my stims (300 units of Gonal F and 150 units of repronex) that night. Estimated egg ER will be September 4th and transfer (ET) will be either 3 or 5 days after that.

A couple of things make these dates exciting for me. First I start stims on my bff birthday. Next is the ER date. Both my grandparents and my mothers dog passed away the first week of September (different years). It will be about time something good happens on that week!

I am really excited about starting this journey! My meds should arrive tomorrow!

Also, to update you on my nacho search. The 99 changed their menu... no nachos! Instead I got fish and chips and whined! So we will have to go to Applebees next week - I checked online and they have nachos on the menu, so unless they are cruel and change their menu by next week, I hopefully will finally get my nachos!

Monday, August 4, 2008

NACHOS - I want nachos!!!

I went to the Red Sox game yesterday, and we got the Budweiser party seats. As it did the last time we got to sit up there, there was a thunder storm and we had to evacuate the roof since it is high up and all metal. The good thing is, it was a short storm and the game got underway after about an hour delay and the Sox won!!!
The bad thing - I have been on the search for about two weeks for the perfect nachos.

Nachos with beans and chili and cheese and sour cream and olives and tomatoes and jalapenos, gaucamoli - I could live without, but if it is one there - bring it on!! That is the perfect nacho - no substitute will do, it has to have ALL of those ingredients.

So I went to a game while we were in Anehiem. People kept walking by us with those nachos, the nachos pictured! My mouth watered every time someone would walk by. At around the 5th inning, I could not take it any - I needed those nachos!!

I got up I went to the food stand where there were two types of nachos listed - I ordered the most expencive one thinking that was Nacho Nirvana... nope! I was handed nachos with two containers of cheese, rather then one.... for about $12 *POUT* So I go back and eat my nachos - not the same.

Yesterday, at the game I read the menu. NACHOS with CHILI! I order it all happy that finally I can end this! And this is what I got... minus the chili. BECAUSE THEY RAN OUT OF CHILI!!!!

So tonight Scott is taking me to the 99, because we all know that the 99 has the best nachos ever and then I can finally end the nacho obsession!

Can you just imagine how I will be when I do get pregnant!

Saturday, August 2, 2008


Patience is definatly not a strong suit of mine. Never has been. So maybe this is my life lesson on dealing with patience? I have only been on BCP for three days and can not wait to start stimming and at least know how everything is moving on. I know most people say that once you start BCP, the time flies by but looking at the 19 pills left to take makes me doubt other wise!

Maybe it is because I am bored today? I am doing laundry and cleaning my house and H is over his parents. So in between I am looking for things to do to kill hours and I am having a hard time finding things so revert to the good old stand by of reading over IVF stuff. Yes I am obsessed, but I feel as though if I do not know everything possible thing going into this, that somehow it will stack up against me in the end.

Yep I am a control freak too!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Isn't it ironic - don't ya think?

So I took my first BCP last night. I was actually nervous to take it. I had never been on BCP before. Ever. That's right, you heard correctly, this 36 year old never once was on the pill. I never wanted to add hormones to my body. I thought some how it was bad for me. Like when I wanted too I would not get pregnant HA HA. Ironic that I need them to get pregnant huh? So I relied on condoms and the good old pull and pray with serious boyfriends... I guess I didn't need to pray that hard?

Anyway, I digress... I was nervous and expecting to feel sick or something , but I felt nothing. I feel pretty silly for worrying about it too. Granted it was only my first pill and who knows what the coming week will bring, but so far so good.

My IVF nurse didn't call with my plan either. I kept checking my cell phone at work to see if I had a message, but nothing was on there. So I guess I have to wait until Monday to call her. I am really curious how long I will be on BCP and lupron so I can estimate an egg retrieval date. Guess it can wait a couple more days.

I have a busy weekend so I should be able to keep my mind off of it for a few minutes at least. We go to the Red Sox game Sunday and tomorrow I have lots of laundry and house cleaning to do. Can you believe I slacked and took the week off of cleaning after the vacation? I can't, but it catches up to you and now I have to make up for it tomorrow. At least it is supposed to rain, so that will get me motivated.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Things that make you wonder...

For several years my period has been light. 2-3 days at the most and not really any need to change a pad, if I didn't want to (sorry if tmi). As the years went on sometimes I would have cycles where I only had one day of full flow, and one of spotting. My FSH levels are normal for my age - 8.0. When I ask my Dr. about my cycles she says that is not an indication really of anything, more likely because I am getting older... But I am so concerned about egg quality. Something they really can not pin point until IVF and they see my eggs up close and personal.

As all of this moves on, I start wondering about it more and more. With all of my IUIs I really did not get a super responce. One mature, three mature and then two mature - all of them on the smallish side before trigger, I don't think I ever had one above 17. Again, my Dr. said all my IUIs went great. But for some strange reason, I don't think they did - maybe because the results were the same as the past 5 years... nothing!

I wish I could learn to just relax through all of this and not analyze every little thing my body does. I guess those days are long gone!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

And away we go...

My period arrived right on schedule today. So what does that mean? It means I had a melt down this morning. I was so afraid to call my nurse for birth control. I almost didn't!

Something I have wanted and waited and jumped through hoops for months FINALLY comes and I freak out. I guess it is normal to be so ready for a step, but so afraid to actually take it. But, after a few tears I made the call.

Now I sit and wait for the return call to tell me when to start taking the birth control, which from what I have seen from various sites should be around cd3 or so... Which will be friday. The day I get the rest of my protocol.

*Deep breath*

Well breaths were taken and by the time my nurse called I was excited to learn I will be starting birth control pills tomorrow! Then the IVF nurse will call either Friday afternoon or Monday to go over the rest of the protocol once the Dr.s discuss everything.

Even though there was a two month delay with everything because of insurance, now I feel as though it is going sooo fast. I was almost sure I was not going to start until September because I needed to wait for approval. The finacial coordinator assured me she would push things through as fast as she could. I doubted her. Surprise - she did!

Wow - I have no words other then WOW! This is it!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


Scott and I love to travel. We just got back from our official last vacation a week ago. Nothing special, just a trip out to Santa Monica to visit my sister and see a Red Sox game in Anehiem. We will not be able to afford any thing else in the near future because now all our "fun money" is going towards IVF.

So, a friend of ours got back from a vacation in Europe last week as well. We saw her last night and she excitedly told us about her trip and was showing us pictures. Scott turns to me and says "if we don't have a baby, I think we should go to France and England for our next vacation"
My heart sunk. Like a consolation prize to not having a baby would be to travel to Europe. Then I think about it some more and I always wanted to go to Paris, and I get excited. Then feel guilty for feeling excited. That maybe travel could be a consolation prized I could live with... ?

So many mixed emotions. We have a few shots at IVF and I want to remain positive, but if I do will I be heart broken? Maybe I should start researching Europe and put so much energy into that, like I have with having a baby so then that can be my big disappointment when it doesn't come true - Does that make sence?

But then I think at least with Europe, we could go in 18 or 19 years, with having a baby if it does not happen now we are out for good. There is no turning back.

My ideal trip would be to Disney World with my little princess or pirate! That is what I really want. Not some consolation prize. Ugg!

Monday, July 28, 2008

update already

Well things happen pretty quick around here. I was not sure if I would be able to start BCP with the start of my next cycle because the IVF board did not review my case yet. BUT I spoke to my new nurse coordinator and was told to give her a call on CD1 and she would have the Dr. call in my BCP perscription so I would not have to wait an extra month!

So here we go. I didn't ever think I would be happy to get my period ever again, but now I can not wait for it to get here. She is expected to arrive any day now!

I can not even explain how nervous and excited I am all at the same time! It is here!!!

My first post

So here I am, I decided to join the blogging IF crowd and share my daily goings of infertility and IVF and the hopes and dreams I have of being a mommy one day. People say it is theraputic. So that is what I am hoping for. I probably will not share this blog with friends or family, just everyone in the IF community. It is for me and me alone to get thoughts out. If someone should happen to stumble on it, I am cool with that but I doubt I will be sharing the link with anyone, so they will have to dig hard to find it.

So where am I, basically waiting to start the IVF process. I got insurance approval last week and now I am waiting to hear from the clinic to see if I would get the IVF boards approval. Hopefully this will all happen before my period arrives so I can just jump right on birth control without having to wait for another cycle.

I put the call into my nurse coordinator today to see where we were at and got a huge shock... Carol no longer works for the clinic so now Pam is my new coordinator. I loved Carol, she was always quick to get back to me. Now I sit and wait, going on 3 hours for Pam... I really am hoping this is not a sign of things to come. Trying to remain patient. But patience is not my strong suit.

Yesterday I was at Costco and there was a ton of babies. Two set of twins. Most all girls. Sometimes I take things like this as signs - a hopeful sign... Plus a butterfly has been hanging around my front yard now since we got back from vacation! Here is to hope and faith and miracles!