The down week ends on an up swing.

The wake and funeral are over. Hard for everyone, mostly my mother in law. She hasn't been eating or sleeping, so I made a pact with her that I would eat if she ate. Beofre the funeral she was on top of me as she always is to eat something (even though I ate before going to her house). So I said I will eat a piece of toast if you have one too. She did. I did the same thing after the funeral. It worked. At least she got something into her.

She kept saying at the funeral that all Rich wanted was to see the baby. It brought me to tears every time. I wanted that for him so much as well.

Scott and his brother Glen were strong at the funeral. For Scott he said he prepared for this day when his father went into the hospital over 4 months ago. He knew his father was not strong enough to come back from this. His brother Rick did not take it as well. He broke down along with his mother. The week of tears ended. Scott told his mother to take it day by day. That is all that she or anyone could do.

Onto the upswing. Today was our scheduled ultrasound. The BIG ultrasound where we would find out the sex of the baby and if he/she was healthy. I was nervous all week for this. It was a bad week to start and bad things happen in clumps. At least for me they do. It was mostly all I could think about once the funeral was over.

I woke up this morning at about 7am and waited the 6 hours for my ultrasound. Scott was excited, too. We made our way in and got the head shot, all measured well. Arms waving, check. Then down to the legs. The baby was sitting Indian style, with legs crossed and as the tech put it. The baby really loves this position, because he would not uncross those legs for anything. I went up walked around, went to the bathroom came back. Nope. Cross those legs again. Poke, prod, walk. Finally baby uncrosses his legs to reveal his penis. The tech did not say anything. I said "It's a boy" She said "yep, no doubt about it" Scott smiled silently. He more enjoyed the baby sitting Indian style and asked the tech if she got a picture of him like that... Nope! All that time and she didn't freeze anything. Oh well.

On the car ride home Scott said he was happy that his boy was healthy and he would have been happy with a healthy girt too. I then said I can now buy Patriot's gear and the biggest grin came over his face! Then I asked about the name, we had dabbled with the idea of naming him after his father and now it was a given Richard Scott it is...

So there it i, life full circle I guess.

A hard week.

Scott's dad developed an infection again. This time the infection dropped his blood pressure frighteningly low. The doctors gave him meds to help increase his blood pressure, but the infection continued to travel through different areas of his body, the antibiotics were not helping. Friday, it effected his brain, he had his first seizure. The doctors stopped giving him dialisis and told the family there was not much else they could do for him accept keep him comfortable. Saturday night, he had another seizure. During one of these seizure's he was left with no brain function.

The family had to make the decision and this time it was clear that there was no hope for recovery. They stopped life support early Saturday morning. It was quick, almost with in seconds and he left us peacefully.

My heart breaks for my husband, his brothers and espescially his mother. The brothers seem to be holding out well, the mom not so much. It will be a hard week with the wake and funeral. I pray for them.

I want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers through all the ups and downs of this. It has meant a lot. He was in the hospital for close to 5 months, it was a hard fought battle and now he is at peace.

Belly pics

12 weeks, sporting bloat. - 15 weeks - 17 weeks (almost 18)

Ignore the faces and the humidity frizz of my hair LOL.

What was that?

Yesterday I woke at my usual 6 am. Not sure why I can't sleep more then 6 hours, but it is my new routine. A normal morning: pee, let dog out, make coffee, take my synthroid, log onto computer, check the nest-bump, let dog in, play a few games, H wakes up, spend some time with him before I kiss him off to work... Play a few more games. Pee - spot of blood! PANIC. Not.Normal.

My heart raced. Should I call in sick? No breathe Krissy, breathe. Check again. Nothing. Okay all is right. Is it? Check 100 more times in the next hour. No blood. Okay it is okay. Get ready for work, checking again in between doing every routine task. Nothing. Phew. Go to work. Continue checking every 10 minutes. Stretching pains in uterus. Panic. No it is alright. Right? Breathe.

I haven't had anything since, on and off stretching pains on my right side near the belly button. Nothing that has me hunched over in pain, I think normal stretching, but after seeing a spot of blood, nothing is "normal", you over annualized everything. No more blood since? So what was that. I have a yeast infection, so maybe I irritated it?

I am not going to call the doctor, the last bleeding scare I had she told me that it would be possible to have more spotting and not to worry unless it was heavier then before. Well, it was way lighter, so why am I freaking out? I have my big u/s in less then 2 weeks. I can make it. Come on little one, I need one of your thumps more then ever!

Thumpity thump thump!

Friday for the first time, I felt this thump in my uterus, or at least low in my abdomen, which I would think is my ute. At the time I didn't think anything of it, more stretching of the uterus maybe? Then yesterday I felt it again. Thump - Thumpity - Thump. It made me pause. Is that you little one?

People say you sometimes can feel the baby move starting at 15 weeks, but usually with your first you don't "know" it IS actually the baby. Well, I have grown accustomed to searching for things to feel different, and this most definitely felt like nothing I have ever felt before. Thump. Even if it is not the baby, it is now! I have felt stretching, I have felt light menstrual cramps, never ever a thump though!

So here I am not as I type this hoping to feel that thump again. Come on little one, if that was you thump again!

Update on father in law

Things have been status quo on the pregnancy front. I feel good, but always have really, except for the occasional heartburn. I wish I could say the same for my father in law, unfortunately I can't though.

He has been in the hospital/rehab for 4 months now, went in a week before we got our ET. I went to see him last Saturday and they were teaching him how to speak while on a ventilator, he was so proud that he could say "hi" and was in really high spirits. He felt my tummy (the only person I would allow to touch it) and when I left he had a huge smile. He is just so proud and excited for his first grandchild.

Then Wednesday he took a turn for the worse. He started to hallucinate, the doctor thought it was because of a sleeping pill they had given him. Then in the next couple of days he became unresponsive. They transferred him to a hospital and ran all the usual tests. He had an infection, thought because of one of his various tubes. Turns out he is septic and his blood pressure is frighteningly low. The doctors said they are doing everything they can, but things do not look good and basically said that if his blood pressure does to rise, he may have a week at most.

He has been a miracle since the day they brought him in, originally they told us he was brain dead. He proved them wrong time and again. This time, though, I am afraid we are all out of miracles. I pray that I am wrong, like I was before.

I am devastated for my husband, his father was the one who kept his family together (his mom can be a bit of a nut case - to put it mildly). I wanted him to meet his grandchild, and with each miracle I started to believe he would. We find out the sex in 2 weeks and I don't want my husband to be going through this right now, it is supposed to be a happy time, but it is not. I am devastated for him and I wish there was more I could do then just vent about it.

So once again I am soliciting prayer, they have worked before. Hoping God has it in him to answer them one more time.

I'm still bitter

I guess a nasty side effect to infertility, that may never wear off is the bitterness that comes along with it. I thought I would grow past this once I got the BFP but now that I am pregnant I still feel the pangs.

I feel those pangs when I listen to girls who get pregnant "naturally" talk about their second and possible third children and how they plan on spacing it apart just right. Angry at mothers who are carrying their second and do have that perfect space apart. Angry that I will never have that. Angry that I am even thinking past this one on to another one, because I know there may never be another. Forget about the "oopsies"!

I remember reading about m/c on the 1st tri board and how hopeful those women who were suffering were about return "shortly". There would be no hope for me if something horrible like that happened. Of course no one should suffer that pain, but what a different pain to feel knowing you may have a shot at returning "shortly"

I hate feeling like this and wonder if it will ever go away. Will I ever return to the old Krissy? I want her back!