Pity Party For One...

It hit me yesterday morning. The numbness of the two days knowing this cycle was a bust turned to sadness, and anger, and bitterness and then back to sadness. I wiped those tears away and went to work. Got the call from the RE and did not cry. I just worked, like it was any other day.

Then when I got home, I saw Scott and he was not any of those things. My rock. I got mad at him and I yelled at him (Yes I feel incredibly guilty for that, because I know he is going through this with me). I asked him why he could just be so ho-hum about all of this.

He told me that we knew there was a chance this wouldn't work. He told me we will try again and then he told me he didn't marry me for children, he married me to be married to me and to spend the rest of his life with me and he loves me and will love me no matter what. So then I felt guilty. Because, yes I married him because I want to spend my life with him. I married him because I love him. But I always pictured us with them, the children we can not seem to have.

Does that make me a bad person that I can not stop picturing a life with children? Does it make me a bad person that I am afraid of that life without kids? I am afraid of the unknown.

So I drank some wine. Wine, that in the perfect world I would not have been able to drink for another 8 months. I went to sleep and I woke up in a complete funk.

I went for Dunkin Donuts coffee this afternoon and was caught in the Parade route. A parade I did not even know was happening today. If I was a parent I would have known this kind of thing. So I got mad. What does a mad person do when stuck in traffic - beep there horn. There take that, you stupid looking bozo clowns and old men with beanies and segways!

Then I get home and read the paper. More coverage about the 9 month old who fell out a 4 story window because the father was stupid enough to leave him lying in a bed that was next to an open window. They are blaming the landlord for not having window gaurds. I got bitter. People like this are worthy of having children, yet I who know not to place a child's bed or crib anywhere close to a window remain empty handed.

Then I spoke to my mom, who told me not to give up. I will not give up. I will continue to spend money we don't have in hopes of this dream. But I do know in reality that there is a line in the sand and we made it - 3 IVFs and each step we take brings us closer to that line that may as well be made with perminant marker. Because after three, the well will run dry. Then I became sad...