Friday, December 11, 2009

Home sweet home!

Dillon was released two days ago from NICU after I did a mandatory sleep over. I was never told about the sleep over until the night before so was caught off guard. I did not understand the need since I was usually there for about 10 hours a day to begin with, but I sucked it up and went packed a few things and headed in. There is no food allowed in the NICU, the hospital cafeteria closes at 8pm. When I can't have food that is when I find myself the hungriest! Also, some shotty design of the NICU is that the only bathroom is located in the hallway, so you need to be buzzed in and out when you have to go. Not to mention the pull out bed was a vinyl brick. So feeling like a prisoner and the beeps and boops and nurses talking loudly in the halls made it impossible to sleep. Dillon was a little lamb, as always. Waking in time for his 3 hour feedings and falling back asleep on cue.

I had planned to go to the store and pick up the formula the doctor suggest we use and some preemie outfits for Dillon. That did not happen so I instructed Scott to grab the newborn outfit we originally planned to use as his coming home outfit. It swam on him (pictures will be added soon) but it did the trick.

Working on adrenaline we were excited to finally be home that is until my little lamb turned into some wretched fire breathing dragon! He would not lie in his crib for longer then an hour without screaming. I rocked him, put him down and then pressed the repeat button. All night long! Scott helped as much as he could, but he had to return to work the next day and needed sleep too. Not sure how he could get any, but he managed a few hours.

The next day I was visited by the visiting nurse. She asked me how things were going and I told her about the night we had. She told me it was common for NICU babies to need time to adjust to their new surroundings, that sometimes the house can be too quiet after living in NICU for weeks. She gave me pointers about keeping the lights on and being the same noisy self we used to be before baby came home. Also, at night to play a radio so it was not dead silent in the house (advice given to me already by a message board I frequent).

Well that did the trick. Dillon had a much better round two! He is back to being my little lamb, so far.

Of course the two days of zero sleep affected me and I turned into a fire breathing dragon by 7pm last night. I was trying to get Dillon's car seat set with the Bundle Me since he has a doctors appointment on the coldest day of the year so far. Well, simple instructions and a over tired mama do not mix well. I had a nervous breakdown and took it out on the car seat. Scott heard me in the mud room and came to save the day.

He told me to go to bed, he would handle the next few hours and the Bundle Me. Next thing I know I woke at 1am freaking out that I didn't hear Dillon cry. I ran to the nursery and there they were. My two favorite men swaying back and forth on the glider. I told Scott how I didn't hear him cry and Scott said proudly "That is because he didn't", he then told me to go back to bed and he will finish the job. My shift would start at the 4am feeding.

This morning I woke up refreshed and Dillon is now adjusting well to his new home. He went right back to sleep after his 4am and 7am feedings and is now lying in the crib liking his new mobile. They don't have those in the NICU!

We are off for our first outing today with a doctors appointment at 1:45. Wish me luck getting him dressed and ready and on the road!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

All drama is done

So Scott dealt with his brothers and mothers. G is the godfather. Enough said and enough drama for a lifetime.

Dillon is getting ready to come home. During rounds yesterday the doctors said he is on track to come home before the end of the week. They would definitely keep him today, but if all goes well ... no specific date. I told the nurses and doctors it sucked to get a specific date in mind, have that day come and go into the room to see a set back making it impossible to take him home. So they respect that and told me that they will take it one day at a time and let me know when the are confident he WILL come home.

So on talking to the doctor, they are looking for a weight increase in the next day or two. If he continues to feed the way he has been all is looking good.

I can not tell you how relieved I am to have an end in site. I am so tired of going to the hospital daily. I spent enough time there before the birth.

Scott got a cold, we think the same reaction from the N1H1 flu shot I got. A week after I got mine, I had a sinus cold. Same exact thing Scott has now a week after his shot. He does not want to go to NICU to see Dillon. I do not want to risk getting him sick either. So hopefully Scott will feel better in a day or two when it is time to bring Dillon home!

Oh and today is Dillon's "scheduled birthday". We have estimated due date, induction due dates and his actual birthday. Today is induction day. We have the date circled on the calender with DILLON'S B-DAY written on it. And it crossed off as well.

On a funny note:

I was talking about wanting a mothers pendent for Christmas a few month ago. I told Scott the one I wanted and then forgot about it. Scott and I were talking about birthstones a couple of nights ago and how I was now stuck with yellow topaz again (my birthday is in November). Scott's eyes got very big and when I asked what was wrong, he told me he had ordered the pendant the week before Thanksgiving because it said it would take 3-4 weeks to get it engraved with Dillon's name. He ordered the wrong stone obviously and there are no returns because of the engraving.

So for Christmas I will have a beautiful mothers pendant. Heart shaped with Dillon's name and a birthstone... Not his, but at least it is blue. Blue for Boy?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Monster in law strikes again

For the past week I have had to listen to her complaining about how she has yet to see "her baby". I have not even been able to hold MY baby for more then an hour at a time and YOU need to bitch and complain about how because of the strict NICU guidelines of only letting parents in, how you can not see him. I am worried about him keeping food down and getting strong enough to come home, but let me stop everything and listen to you whine and feel sorry for YOU.

Next, and this is a biggy. You think the choice of godfather is all wrong so why not manipulate to get what YOU want!

Here is the back story:

My FIL passed away 5 months ago, as you may remember. MIL lives with her 43 year old socially inept (to put it mildly) son R, who can not take care of himself because his mother and father have cooked every meal, done every load of laundry and paid every bill you have EVER had.

When my husband and I were deciding on who would be a good fit for godparenting roles we decided that the best fit would be his other brother G. First off, G is a responsible adult, takes care of himself and would be a wonderful roll model in our child's life. He is wonderful with children, and everything we want for our son. Also, Scott and G are close and that was important to me as someone who will continuously be in my child's life. We are happy with our choice.

So on Thanksgiving Scott thought it would be a great time to talk to G about having him be the godfather. G was THRILLED and honored and accepted the role. We announced it to the family (MIL and R were there). Enough said.

Flash forward to a little over a week later. Dillon is now here. 7 days old.

Scott gets a call from G saying he thinks the better choice would be R for a godfather and although he is honored, he does not want to accept the role! So Scott talks to him further and this is what comes out of his mouth "Well R has taken dads death pretty hard, so I think having him be godfather will lift his spirits"


I am sorry but I am sure all the brothers took the death of the father hard. I also think since R lives with his mother, he may have taken it harder because he was centered on the father being around and also needs to deal with his mothers emotions. BUT having him be godfather is not something to cheer someone up with! It is a commitment and responsibility. Plus, he is and always will be an uncle. If that alone can not cheer him up - well sorry you need to get into some type of grief counseling. Your father was sick for a very long time, he passed away and it is horrible and sad and cruel, but life does go on for the living. Yes, he is missed by all of us. I wish Dillon could have been able to meet is grandfather, but he is not a tool to cheer people up.

Now, why I am blaming my MIL in all of this... The same exact thing happened when Scott was deciding who would be best man for our wedding. He chose his best friend K. For months we listened to his mother say the right thing would be to have her son R be the best man (How so? Scott and R do not even talk to each other). Blah Blah. We are talking serious pressure on Scott to change his mind. So I can totally picture the ride home on Thanksgiving (G was driving) and her going on and on about the "right thing" being R as the godfather. Giving G the guilt trip and making him feel guilty and placing him in the middle of everything.

So Scott tells me all this and I lost it. Totally and completely lost it, I was in NICU and I think I was too loud, because a nurse popped her head in. I told him in no uncertain terms that if G backs out on being a godfather then we will not have ANY godfather. I will not be manipulated!

7 days. Dillon has been here for 7 days and already the drama will not stop. I am stressed and tired and we will create boundaries. Scott does not need this shit, I do not need this shit, so enough already!!!


On a happier front, Dillon did well on his feeds yesterday. He had pulled his feeding tube out the night before 3 times, so I had a talk with him and said he would not need that thing if he just eats more. So it appeared he listened because he went the whole day without it being replaced.

He is on the schedule for his circ. on Monday. The doctor will not set a hard day for him to come home. I will not set a hard day for him to come home (we had 2 dates so far that have come and gone). Let's just say, they require you to remain in the hospital for 1 day after a circ. - So he will be home soon!

Dillon after ripping out his feeding tube for the third time Friday:

Friday, December 4, 2009

A few more days to go!

Dillon is continuing to do wonderfully. He gained an ounce, although it is mostly because they had been force feeding him and given him IV fluids for 5 days.
He has been steadily increasing is formula intake the last couple of days. He gets the concept of eating, but all the work gets him sleepy. If we keep him up and awake he will eat, the challenge is keeping him awake!

He is alert and beautiful though! He looks all around and has some head control. He is not a crier, the nurses say we got really lucky and so far he appears pretty laid back. I only really heard him cry twice so far. Once was when the were pealing off one of his leads and the other was when he was getting his sponge bath.

The game plan is to have him be ready for release on Monday. They shut off his lights and will check his body temp and Billy Rubin counts. He will be on a monitored diet and needs to eat more then 30cc at each feeding. If he continues to do that Monday he will come home! 1 day before his scheduled birthday!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I am home, Dillon is not and guilt

I was released yesterday. I am still sore but doing better each day.

Dillon is getting better as well. He went from being on a respirator the first day to breathing 100% room air since. He needed lights, mostly because of all the bruising on his face. They say his kidneys will need to work overtime to fix the broken capillaries and by placing him on lights it helps prevent jaundice. Last night they took him off and are hopeful he can stay off, but will test him each day. He prefers the lights off. He loves being swaddled and is a lot more calmer now then what he was for the past two days.

He has begun eating formula, I had made the decision to exclusively formula feed far before he was born and now that I can not be there with him all day, I am glad I did make that decision. He needs to bulk up and learn to feed before he is released so this will help. He ate 16cc last night and is a champion drinker!

Finally, he is on day 3 of a 7 day course of antibiotics that are given through IV. They ran additional testing to make sure there are no signs of infections. If that comes back negative, he will be off the IV Saturday and if he continues to do well, he may be coming home to us by this weekend.

Now that I am home without him I feel this incredible sense of guilt. I need to wait for a ride to the hospital because I can not drive myself. My dad will take me in but he needs to work until noon each day. So all morning long I have been struggling with not being there for my child. I also feel guilty because I do not even really feel as though he IS mine right now. Like I am some babysitter going in for 2 hour shifts here and there. I have not had much bonding time with him and need more, but am not sure when I can get more. It is so incredibly hard. Harder then I imagined.

When I was in the hospital, I was looking forward to real food and a real shower and bed. Now that I am here, I would give anything to be just 3 floors up from him and an elevator ride away.

I am not sure how mothers of 24-25 week preemies can make it through the months of torture this one day has been. I am hoping it will get easier as the days pass and that he will be home soon.