Monday, September 29, 2008
I talked my way out of the business trip I was supposed to go on in mid November, so if all works out I should be cycling by then and close to another ER. I need to call the REs nurse and see if she will let me go on BCP before meeting for the WTF appointment. I really hope so. I can not sit out another month. The waiting is killing me, and I am not enjoying the break at all. It is more like I am crossing days off the calendar until my life will begin at this point.
So that is it for me. Closing out September 2008 the same way I have been closing out every month. Hopeful sometimes, defeated most the time.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Next one will be different. I have faith in my Dr learning something from the past cycle and adjusting the protocol for a better result. If it does not turn into my BFP cycle, I at least hope to obtain a few more frosties. It is not over, there have been many IVF#2 successes, and just because I failed the first does not write me off for the second.
I do want to thank everyone, both here following my blog and on the Nest. You held my hand in the darkest hours and guided me towards the light. Words can not say how thankfull I am for all your support.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
My follow up appointment is October 22nd. Which means there goes 36. I was convinced I would be pregnant before turning 37 - this was the year. Guess not. My birthday is Novemeber 8th. So there you have it, another year past with no pregnancy. Another year I blow the candles on the cake and wish as hard as I can.
I am trying to let go. I am trying get out of this funk and just gear up and get ready for the coming cycle. But hope is starting to slip away. Each cycle I was sure it was it, wasn't. What will be different this time?
I went to Wholefoods yesterday and stocked up on Wheatgrass. I was going to buy DHEA as well, but Scott is not comfortable with me taking it. So I will drink Wheatgrass this cycle and see if it will help the amount of eggs retrieved. Hopefully my Dr. will come up with a protocol that will also help.
I would love a FET cycle. My mom is convinced the one frozen from this past cycle is "our girl" because she is a fighter and the M woman were born fighters. I just don't want to defrost just the one and have "her" not make it. So I will wait until I have more.
I am trying to just let go and enjoy this shot free month, but I can't just yet. My mind is still wandering and wondering if there was anything I did to make this cycle a bust. I am more angry then sad, and I don't want to be angry. I just want to let go - but I can't.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Then when I got home, I saw Scott and he was not any of those things. My rock. I got mad at him and I yelled at him (Yes I feel incredibly guilty for that, because I know he is going through this with me). I asked him why he could just be so ho-hum about all of this.
He told me that we knew there was a chance this wouldn't work. He told me we will try again and then he told me he didn't marry me for children, he married me to be married to me and to spend the rest of his life with me and he loves me and will love me no matter what. So then I felt guilty. Because, yes I married him because I want to spend my life with him. I married him because I love him. But I always pictured us with them, the children we can not seem to have.
Does that make me a bad person that I can not stop picturing a life with children? Does it make me a bad person that I am afraid of that life without kids? I am afraid of the unknown.
So I drank some wine. Wine, that in the perfect world I would not have been able to drink for another 8 months. I went to sleep and I woke up in a complete funk.
I went for Dunkin Donuts coffee this afternoon and was caught in the Parade route. A parade I did not even know was happening today. If I was a parent I would have known this kind of thing. So I got mad. What does a mad person do when stuck in traffic - beep there horn. There take that, you stupid looking bozo clowns and old men with beanies and segways!
Then I get home and read the paper. More coverage about the 9 month old who fell out a 4 story window because the father was stupid enough to leave him lying in a bed that was next to an open window. They are blaming the landlord for not having window gaurds. I got bitter. People like this are worthy of having children, yet I who know not to place a child's bed or crib anywhere close to a window remain empty handed.
Then I spoke to my mom, who told me not to give up. I will not give up. I will continue to spend money we don't have in hopes of this dream. But I do know in reality that there is a line in the sand and we made it - 3 IVFs and each step we take brings us closer to that line that may as well be made with perminant marker. Because after three, the well will run dry. Then I became sad...
Friday, September 19, 2008
Even though I got the negative the other day I had still hoped for the Congratulations your beta # is... instead I got " Unfortunatly it did not work this time". So that is it. IVF # 1 complete. I am sure tomorrow I will get the bill in the mail to kick me while I am down, but until that point - it is on to thinking about next round.
I decided I would do another fresh, even though I have one frozen embryo I rather save that for when I have more then just one to thaw. My RE requires me to take a month off before starting another cycle. So I will meet her Oct 22. Hopefully we can get an IVF round in November even though I need to go away for 4 days for work. If my math is working right, it should fit in pretty good. Or I will need to extend the BCP for a little while longer.
So that is it. I am dusting myself off and jumping back on the horse after a few glasses of wine.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I called Scott at work and all he could say was "They told you not to test for a reason - just wait until Friday" Well I know and you all know that 12dp3dt or other wise known as 15dpo I should have gotten a pretty accurate result. So it is done. Of course there are things that are making me doubt the accuracy, I have lived in the land of denial for a long time. Until AF shows, it isn't over and all that crap. I didn't use FMU. I held my urine though, but maybe not long enough? Maybe I got a defective test? Maybe this brand of test is not as sensitive as others I should have bought - never buy the ones on sale damn it! Maybe they implanted late? Maybe Scott is right???
I cried for a second, but I feel mostly numb. I have looked at this test at every different angle and for far longer then the advised 10 minutes and am convincing myself that there is a light line there - Of course after 10 minutes, there might be. But I know it took longer then the 10 to show up, which means null and void. An evap and nothing more.
I really don't know how I should react to this. I guess I am pretty used to this sight and this feeling. I thought it would hurt more then it does, but it had never been. Never for close to 6 years now. So that feeling of distraught is replaced by anger and disbelief. I will jump on the horse again. I have a snow baby as well.
This is only strike one - I have two more at bats.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
So that is it. Sorry nothing more exciting to report - just more ups and downs of the waiting game.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Scott and I agreed to wait until beta day, which isn't until 14dp3dt... We want to listen to the message together. Scott does not want me to POAS in fear that it would not be accurate. I know that with having BETA so late that chances are by Thursday (15 days past egg retrieval) it will be accurate though and I am not sure if I can make it.
Yes, we agreed - or he talked me into it. But for years I picture the "surprise" element of a BFP. You know the one that we visioned for so many months when we thought sex could get someone pregnant. The bun in the oven. The "baby" carrots and "baby" back ribs for dinner.... The picture of a PREGNANT hpt all wrapped up in a box. I would love to do something like that, I have seen his face in my mind when seeing the surprise for many months and many years. Although if I do it now, he would still need the BETA to confirm. Just like I think I would need the beta to confirm. But there is something to be said for seeing two lines. Two amazing lines! Those things actually make two lines, or so I have been told!
As you can see from the above, I pretty much have convinced myself that I am pregnant. I peed three times at the Red Sox game yesterday (plus before I left the house and when I returned). I NEVER pee at a Red Sox game and I wasn't even drinking beer. Oh and the "If they win, it means I am pregnant" thing I do told me so - they won 4-3.
Next - I have a yeast infection. Yes, I have gotten them before. But it has been said that yeast infections can happen during early pregnancy. And I have not had one in about 2 years.
Then the third thing - I cried over a cheeseburger last night. I wanted a Jack Attack from a local restaurant, it is basically a big mac made fresh and with real meat. My sister placed an order for us, a large order... and they forgot my burger. So because we knew it would take another hour for that burger to come my sister offered half of her salad. NO. Scott offered me half his sub. NO. I wanted that damn burger, so what does any rational person do - cry. Like a two year old.
So when my mother looked at me with the "I know you are pregnant" look she has been giving me this past week (she does my shots, so I see her all the time) I turned to her and said "It is just the progesterone - it mimics early pregnancy symptoms" and I half believe that... but I still can't shake this feeling that this thing worked. There - I said it!
Friday, September 12, 2008
One second I am on the highest of high hills, getting really excited, just sure that these little one(s) stuck. Next minute I am at the dark bottomless pit thinking there is just no way. I still have a week to go. 7 days of ups and downs and loop de loops.
I craved milk last night. I got ill eating a peice of cake at my pedicurist. I get cramps occasionally. I thought there was the tiniest of tiny spots of pink when I wiped yesterday. All of this and I think I am just losing my mind and grasping at any straw I can, or even maybe making it all up in my mind.
I stopped checking symptoms about 2 years ago. I knew that it was all a mind game, that I could make anything a symptom had I wanted to. Now though as the picture of my embabies hangs before me on the desk, I am convinced that these symptoms MUST be real.
What if they are not and in 7 days I am devestated. I don't want to be devestated. I don't want to look Scott in the eyes and tell him it didn't work. For the first time in all of this, he sounds like he has hope too. He was talking baby to me last night - something we have not done in years! His parents got sent a picture of the embies and are joking that embie 1 looks like MIL. My mom everytime she sees me says "hows my granddaughter" (she wants a girl don't you know). I don't want to disappoint them, I don't want to disappoint myself.
In all reality though, there is a 55 - 60% chance that I will disappoint. This was never a done deal from the beginning. Yeah, 4-5 eggs fertilized. Something I never imagined. Yeah, one embryos made it to freeze. Just WOW. 3 out of 5 eggs good enough. BUT we still have to see if they will stick. And sticking is the most important part of all and I am afraid that eventually all this good news will turn to bad. It is just too good. There has to be a flip side.
That has been the story of my life so far.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
This morning I wake up and besides a runny nose from the cold I seem to be getting, I feel nothing. I am energized, the dull cramps have gone and I am not even feeling my sore butt anymore. Today I am convinced it failed and we will have to try again.
I can not believe I have to wait one more week for testing. Next Friday seems to be miles away and Scott doesn't think we should test before hand. He thinks that if I do it could be a false positive, even though the hcg should be pretty much out of my system by now. Or a false negative and he doesn't want me to be bummed out.
So I guess we wait.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I woke up last night 2 times to go to the bathroom and then at about 4am I had THE worst cramps ever. I don't normally get very bad AF cramps, but this was killer. I could not get back to sleep for about an hour trying everything, except to get up and get tylenol (yeah I am lazy) to make them go away. So now, I am tired.
Then there is the issue with my throat. It is so sore and it feels as though I am catching a cold. I think I should just go back to bed and try again tomorrow.
Don't get me wrong, this will be so worth it if I see a BFP at the end of all this. But I do hope it means something, and I am not just feeling like an elephant walked on me for nothing.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I am afraid to hope. I am afraid to doubt. If I hope to much, the let down will be huge. If I doubt I will put that into the universe and it will bite me in the butt. My butt does not need any more trauma then the PIO is already giving it, so I just wait with baited breath.
The question of whether I should test the Thursday before Beta is still a question in my mind. I probably will hold out as long as possible and see what Thursday brings. Right now, I am afraid I will see that one line. The one line that has stuck it's tongue out at me for months, even years. I promised myself after my first IUI, when I POAS and AF showed just hours later, that I would never test before a beta again. There was a reason I made that promise to myself. The let down was hard! But wouldn't the let down of a nurse calling me saying "sorry, you just threw 7k (estimated) out the window" hurt a lot more? Anyway you slice it, unless this is positive it is going to suck!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I had to work last night, there was no way to take off a Saturday. I tried to take it as easy as possible and since my Dr. doesn't require bed rest I thought I would be fine. I kind of regret doing it, so if I should have to do this again I know better and will take at least two days off.
So two days down. I can not stop comparing my embryos with others on line. That is what I do for at least an hour a day until I feel comfortable that they look pretty damn good.
I am not sure whether being pessimistic is the best way to go, or whether I should be optimistic... which would hurt less? Should I test before beta or wait. Will it hurt to hear it more then to stare at another BFN? I will be at work when the results come in. Should I wait until I get home? Should I call in sick that day?
Just twelve more days of pretending it is not constantly on my mind.
Friday, September 5, 2008
I asked the embryologist what grade they were and she said they do not grade them like that, but they were good. I was looped up on vallum at the time so took that as an acceptable answer and went on to spread my legs.
Now that I am home, I am searching the internet for info on what makes a great quality egg. Comparing my pictures to everyone elses. Yes, obsessing - what else is new!
So here they are. The debut off embie 1 and 2. We are not very creative with names as you can tell.
We have two more that they are watching but as of day three they were only 5 cells each. So I am not remaining very hopeful that they will make it to freeze.
The transfer itself was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I think the worst part was the full bladder and how at times it felt as though she was poking it and it would burst at any second. I had to shut my eyes , as if shutting my eyes would help me hold my pee in better, so I did not get to see anything on the monitor. I asked Scott if he watched and he saw stuff, but not a clue what it was.
So that's it. Now all I have to do is wait for 2 weeks before my beta. September 19th.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The only thing I know and will know is that 4 out of 5 fertilized. I have no idea if they are growing and if they are growing, how strong they are. I keep thinking worse case scenerios like them all arresting. Then I try to push the negative thoughts aside and think they are all Grade A super embabies.
I am supposed to call this afternoon to confirm if ET is still on. They will not tell me anything at this point except yes or no. If yes, I can assume the embabies are still alive but nothing else. It sucks having no control over this outcome. I wish I could drive to the lab and see them and tell them to fight, but even then they still need to do all the work.
In other news, well there is no other news. My life and all it's thoughts are revolving aroud this IVF right now.
But anywho, I did my first PIO shot last night. It went smoothly, but I can tell after about 3 of these my buttocks just might fall off. It is so tender just after one, that I can only imagine what a week or two of these will bring. Ouchie!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I am sure anyone who has waited on this call had similar thoughts.
But it came. Four out of the five fertilized! That is all I know and I am so hopeful that two of them will be strong and heathy come Friday for my transfer.
Now tonight I need to head to my mothers for my first progesterone shot. Scott said he would be willing to try, but I feel so much more comfortable if he just watched a few times. Maybe even do one with my mother guiding him.
I have always liked reading detailed accounts, so will share mine.
They brought us to the back where other ERs were waiting to go in or coming too from it. Had me change into the extra large hospital gown and hair net and then placed me on a reclining chair. Scott read his book and I sat there worrying. The nurse offered to get me a magazine, but I knew I wouldn't be able to read.
One woman, who was coming too, was getting sick from the anesthesia and that made me worry more. I wasn't sure what to expect from it. I did find out that my Dr. was performing the ER, which was calming.
At about 9:30 the nurse took my blood pressure and stats. She told me I would be hooked up to the machine when I came too. Then the anesthesiologist came to ask me all my medical questions. When I told him it was my first time he was surprised. Then he walked me through everything step by step. He was very good. He gave me some "happy medicine" that just got me light headed and I don't remember if Scott kissed me or wished me luck I just remember going into the ice cold retrieval room.
In there I saw Inna, the intern who did all my u/s this week. She was talking to me and telling me to think of a nice place to go when I was under. I told her I would go to Aruba since we couldn't afford a vacation there this year (we used to go every other year). She laughed. But I was serious - the ER was my trip to Aruba, it cost just as much, but was a little to cold to want to return.
The anesthesiologist gave me more "happy meds" and then placed a mask over my face. He told me to breathe heavy. It smelt like plastic and tasted like gas. I took about 4-5 breaths and got tired. Then he said take a few more breaths...
And that's all I remember.
I woke up in a fog. I remember asking the nurse how many eggs they got. She said five. I must have sounded disappointed because she looked on my chart and said "They got all the ones they have been tracking on your ultra sounds - that's good" I said I was hoping some were hiding.
Then I looked at the machine I was hooked up to. I was fascinated by this machine. I mentioned how it wasn't beeping I think a few times. The nurse said it is good when it doesn't beep.
They got Scott and he waited with me until I had some ginger ale and crackers and took some Tylenol. A few minutes later the nurse asked me if I felt okay to try to get dressed. I said yes.
I went to the bathroom where they asked me to check if I was bleeding. I was spotting but not bad. Then I got dressed and went home.
I was hungry but my throat was sore so Scott made me some soup when I got home. I ate that and then went to sleep for about 5 hours. When I woke up I was crampy, but not bad. I spent the rest of the night in bed, my dog lying with me.
Today I woke up at 6am from all the sleep I got. I have a long wait for my fertility report. They said they will call between 1-3pm. I am trying to stay hopeful. I know all it takes is one, but I would really love at least 2-3 nice healthy embryos! I'll update when I get the news. Fingers and toes crossed!
Monday, September 1, 2008
I triggered last night. I had to work, so my Mom came in to trigger me at 11pm. I work at a bar, so my mother comes in at about 10pm and orders a Pomegranate Martini... Hello! You are about to stick me with a huge ass needle (no pun intended), I really don't think getting buzzed before hand is a good idea. So she gives me the lecture of her doing this for 40 years. How she teaches new nurses how to do this daily (she is a nursing instructor) and she can do it blind folded. So I went ahead and made her a very weak martini =)
The next hour dragged on... I stopped to talk to her for a minute and I said "You won't hurt me, will you?" to which she replied "Oh it's going to hurt. You . Not me" Thanks Mom! And then the clock went slower.
So at 10:55 we head into my bosses office. Lock the door behind us and I pull my pants down. My Mom has me lie across the desk and I am freaking out inside (probably on the outside too) My head is up against a big desk calculator and every time I rest my head the thing prints the tape.... She does the shot and I felt nothing. Nothing at all except a little pinch like a bug bite. Done! I freaked out for nothing!
Hopefully the boss won't review the security tape today!
And I am triggered. ER is at 10:30 tomorrow. We need to be in at 8:30 so they can get me ready and H's sample.
Wish me luck!