Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Kind of waiting for something to go wrong

I never asked when I would be starting this IVF cycle. I assumed my case would go through the IVF board, like last time, and I would get a calender in the mail with all the dates.
Well I never canceled my Hysterscopy appointment that was supposed to be yesterday. It totally left my mind the second my Dr. told me the nurse screwed up and I did not actually need it. It reentered my mind last night when it was too late to do anything about it.

The way I rationalized it away is that it was their fuck up, why should I have to take time out of my busy day to cancel the appointment? Now I am thinking that this will cause further fuck ups along the way. Like what if they do not send my case to the board now. The new nurse doesn't seem like the brightest bulb. Have I ever told you how much I miss Carol? She left right before my first IVF, but she stayed on part time to train Dippy for a few weeks after that, so she was still coordinating most of my cycle, just in the back ground. 2 months later and she is completely gone and I am left with a nurse who can not read a chart, was clueless on where I could go for a blood draw ... and what else?

I know I need to just take a deep breathe, I do. My anxiety is way out of wack! Always is. I just miss having a person in charge of my case that knew more then I knew. Who was friendly and had the "Don't worry about a thing" mentality. My new nurse did not even wish me luck when I was leaving the office. And now I am worrying about everything!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

My anniversary is coming

One that I wish not to be celebrating. Last year at this time I had finally gotten my thyroid levels in check for longer then just a few short months and was hoping that was all I needed to be pregnant.

We decided to give 6 months of timed intercourse a shot. Hopeful that my hypothyroidism and elevated prolactin levels that came alog with it was the cause of my infertility. The six months would be coming to an end near my 36th birthday. Then I would call an RE. I had already given up on time intercourse for quite some time. Scott was not on the same page as me. He needed longer and I respected that he did.

I made the call on my birthday. I never expected to get in to them before Thanksgiving, but a week before Thanksgiving we were scheduled. I was excited but nervous. Here we are a year later. Lots of testing, three IUIs, and an IVF cycle and a few months of wanted and unwanted breaks in between and no baby or even a baby bump or two lines to show for it.

I remember my first IUI and how excited I was, there was never any doubt that it would not work. Counting 9 months ahead to get an estimated due date of around Halloween.

Here we are at halloween now and nothing to show for it.

I try to remain hopeful that IVF#2 will be the one. Counting ahead on my calender I figure ER and ET to be scheduled right before Christmas and of course that would make BETA scheduled for right around New Years. How special would it be for 2009 to be rung in with a BFP? Nine has always been my lucky number after all.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

What a week

This has been quite a week.

My step dad, whom I would consider my real dad found out on Monday that he had 4 blocked arteries. The left is 100% blocked the right is 90% blocked and then he has two lessor blocked arteries as well. We all knew he was going to need something, we just did not know the severity of it all.

When he went in Monday we all assumed he would return with a stent, instead he is being scheduled for a quadruple bypass. His Dr is amazed that he has not been experiencing chest pain and that the only reason the found them was because he sent him to a stress test (which he had about 5 months ago). There was no doubt someone looking over him that he did not have a heart attack before his appointment.

He needs to wait for surgery, because according to them, he is not an emergency case, but he was told that they would try to get him in as soon as possible. Two to four weeks? He is under strict instructions not to lift anything, even his 20lb dog. If you know my step dad, this is nearly an impossible feet, because he is always doing to much as is.

I am so scared and I am praying so hard that they get him into surgery before something happens and that the surgery will turn out okay.

In better news: I had my WTF appointment today and I am pretty please with what I got out of it. The big news is she believes I have Diminished Ovarian Reserve and that I am not producing the amount of eggs they like to see in a 37 year old. Other then that, my embryo quality, lining and everything else looked good. She believes with more embryos to choose from, it would increase the likelihood of success, so she changed my protocol to Antagonist. She also would like to try assisted hatching to see if that helps with implantation.

Also, the new nurse is a total idiot! I do not need more testing as she told me. I am so relieved for that. So we will not change Drs for this cycle, but I do plan on speaking to someone if there is a need for a third IVF.

So with the start of next cycle I will begin BCP for IVF#2. I have about 26 days to gear up, drink up ;) and get ready for it all... Motherhood here I come!

Monday, October 20, 2008

My clinic is pissing me off.

I am aggravated frustrated and every other adjective you can think of to describe pissed off!
My period came today, so I called thinking I could start another round of IVF - because NO ONE told me any differently. Instead I get "we need to run some more tests on you". Okay - blood work, I get that one. Hysterscopy, after having two in the past year. No sorry. I don't think so! And why WHY did you not tell me all this back on September 19th when I found out my last IVF failed? I sat a month out because those were your requirements. No problem. Now I have to sit two months out because you don't seem to look at my chart until I call asking a question?

I have a meeting with her on Wednesday. I will ask why I need a hysterscopy and if she can not come up with a valid reason why I am out of there. I already called Boston IVF to set up an appointment with them. Hopefully, they can get me in soon so the delay isn't even longer.

I had no issues with my clinic before this. I actually love the staff and my Dr. so this is a difficult thing for me. I really hope I am making the right choice. Originally I was going to wait until after this next IVF to switch clinics, had it not worked, but this just really upset me.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Will Work For Baby

Word out on the street is that I will work for a baby. Maybe I even stood on a corner holding out a sign?!? No, I have not gone that far yet, but I am taking any odd task that may come up just for an extra buck or two.

First, my mother, whom we told we would not accept money from devised a scheme to give me money without just giving it to me. I am painting her house. Rather then her pay the "shitty guy who ripped her off last time" by charging her way too much for way bad work, she asked me if I would paint her house. She will pay me less then the other guy charged, but still more then a part time job at McDonalds would pull in on a weekend. Done deal...

Oh and look at that Scotty - her storm doors need to be replaced. She will pay him for his carpentry skills too. As she rationalized it, she will be spending the money anyway. It made sense I guess, but in the back of my mind I know she would have put off painting the house and replacing the storm door had we not needed the money. Cute and appreciated :::wink:::

Next there is ChaCha, an online job where you answer inquiries that are texted to you and make money per answer. I failed the test to be a guide but then recieved an invite to test to be a translator. Basically I listen to some 14 year old ramble a stupid question and type what he says. Easy enough, and since I spend most my free time in front of a computer, it is something I can easily do in my spare time. Definitly not something that will get me rich anytime soon, and I won't quit my night job, but extra money is what I need! So I am thankful for all these little ways to do it without actually having to be able to ofit something extra in my schedule.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

A little snark.

Sometimes I can not help myself to read a post on a message board and keep my Devil Horns tucked in under my halo. I do know, a message board such as T-TTC on the nest is not the place for that snark, so I decided to come here to "let it out" a bit. Probably because there were two post in a row calling out for a little jab of the pitch fork.

First I will put the title of the post, then my snark filled answer, one that I did my darnedest not to type.

"I really hope I am pregnant this month" - Nope this month is no good for me, I have to get my nails painted and hair dyed. Next month would be better. Who cares if I have been trying for close to 6 years, spent 10k on IVF, October is just a bad month.

"Yay BFP" (14 posts under her name) - Umm, do I know you??

For the first one. It is a given. Yes, we all want it to be our month. Yes, I know a husbands birthday or a major holiday will help the celebration. But believe you me, it will be Christmas, New Years, Mother's - Father's day and the fourth of July all rolled up in one no matter what month we get our BFP.

The second one is probably my biggest pet peeve. It is like running into a RE's office and jumping up and down in the waiting area to exclaim your excitement. I hate to say it, but strangers do not care if you are pregnant. That works the same way on the boards as well. Yes, there are lurkers in the world, but your first, second or third post should not be a "look at me" post. Reply congrats to other BFP posts (surely there have been more the 14 BFP in the past 6 months since you joined). Offer ((hugs)) to those that need it ( I know more then 14 hugs were needed). Put yourself out there, even in the smallest way. You don't have to share your life or even post on a 24/7 bases but be there for us as you expect us to be there for you. Not so much to ask is it?

I am sure there are other posts that call for some snark, but these are todays entries. I am sorry if I offended anyone, I really do try to be as supportive as possible on the boards. Just some days...

Friday, October 10, 2008

1 in 6 and I am the 1

I recently got back together with a bunch of girls I used to hang around with in High School. College and careers along the way separated us. But it was always us six girls together "back in the day". So it is nice to hang out together now, twenty years later. TWENTY YEARS!

I will refer to all girls by the nicknames we went by in High School.

Murph - a mother of two girls. Married to her first love. Happy - not necessarily but out to prove everyone wrong none the less. We had always told her that S. was no good for her and he still isn't. But she has her family, and that is what she always wanted.

Doe - Two kids, a boy and a girl. Divorced and engaged to her new man. This one shocked me, because I never imagined her ever finally getting married. She had been engaged to about 4 different men in the 4 years we stayed in touch after school, but ultimately always broke it off before the big wedding date. So when I saw her and she showed me pictures of her 7 and 9 year old I was floored!

Lor - She had J right after high school and it really was the best thing for her. She then went to nursing school, got her life together and has been a wonderful mother. J is now 19. It is so weird to think my friends could have a 19 year old. Considering I am still trying for a little one.

Dee - Commitment was never her thing. She was the party girl and still is. Now partying is a little more difficult with her 8 year old son. An oops. Dee never wanted kids, but made the most of it when it happened.

M. - If one would describe her the first description would be "that anorexic girl" She would eat nothing but plain chicken breasts and plain leafy greens for as long as I have known her. If she weighed in at 101 I would be amazed. But she is healthy enough to have two children a year apart (2-3 years old), so what do I know?

And that leaves me with the 6th spot on the roster. Or the one spot. The black sheep? Sing it now "One of these things are not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong..." If you asked any of us 23 years ago who would most likely be a mother it would be a toss up between me and Murph. But now I am on the sidelines as they compare war stories.

It is hard for me to get together with them now. We were supposed to go out last week and I could not imagine sitting there as they passed around their summer vacation pictures or talked about what school was like for little Johnny. I just could not do it. So I cancelled and have no desire to pick up the phone and reschedule. None.

I could count my blessings. Out of all of us, I must admit to being the one with the most solid relationship. Out of all of us I am the one who owns my own home. But instead I focus in on the one thing I want that they all have. The one thing that would make my life picture perfect...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Paid in full!

Sort of. Bounce from one thing to the next with interest is more accurate, but IVF #1 is finally in the books, red in the books. But in the books none the less.

We got the bill and paid the balance off with our credit card and now we will be spending the next year paying that off. At least I know exactly what is going to be covered with insurance and what is not going into IVF#2 so it puts a lot of the uneasy guess work = stress out of the way. The labs ended up being covered fully so that took a huge chunk off the top as well and the bill was actually LESS then what I imagined. That does not happen often so I need to revel in that for a day or two. And another added bonus, we reached our deductible (of course) so next one will be even less! Buy one get one 25% off. I love a good deal! ::Smirk::

I am thankful I had the opportunity to be able to purchase an individual plan. With out this we would have been lucky to have been able to afford one. So this plan gives us 3 chances. Maybe four. My heart breaks for anyone that does not have coverage. We are still scraping pennies to do this WITH 50% (no drug) coverage, I can not even imagine what it would be like paying in full for everything.

My mind does still wonder sometimes, maybe loosing full coverage less then a month before doing IVF (my first IVF was supposed to be in July) was some type of sign telling me to not even try? Was I supposed to fight this hard and go in this much debt to be a mother? Now with the economy as scary as it is, I question it further. This is not the time to go into debt. I was never in debt before. We were a cash and carry type of couple. So this is all new to us. Scary and new.

Here we are though, in the hole for one and starting to dig another one for one more chance. "Sorry son or daughter (or both) you are going to have to get a job at 12 to afford college, because mom and dad spent your college fund before you were even born"...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

October is here!

I have always loved fall. The crisp air, the changing leaves. The Red Sox in the play offs!! Now I have my consult on the 22nd to look forward to as well. Hopefully I will be celebrating a World Series victory that day as well, although let's hope that the rolling rally will not be that day.

It is funny, being a life long Red Sox fan, how in seasons past the news that Josh Becket had a muscle strain and will be delayed to start would make my whole world dark and grey. Maybe it is due to having two world championship trophies under our wing, or maybe it is due to having more important life altering tragedies under my belt. What ever it is, I am not affected by it one bit.

I am hopeful that they can come up with a win, but if they don't I will be okay just as I was okay with Tom Brady's injury and the doomed fate of the Patriots this year! Life goes on.

Maybe it has something to do with me linking the meaning of a World Series win means I am pregnant? It was a popular saying in my house for years. "If the Red Sox win this game I will get a positive HPT" As you can see, even when they won I would come up empty handed. So maybe a World Series loss will give me a BFP. After all I can not expect to many miracles in the same month can I? Hmm. Something to think about!

So October brings in new air, new hope. As the butterflies duck for cover, fly south for the winter - or what ever they do. My butterfly of hope remains and perhaps even grows stronger.