I was the girl who barely reached the measuring stick and forcing my older (and taller) sister to come on with me as she was begging me not to make her do it. I was the girl at Universal talking Scott into doing The Hulk with the 3 loops and screaming thundering roar. This roller coaster I am on now though is by far the worst one I have ever been on and I want to get off. Now!
One second I am on the highest of high hills, getting really excited, just sure that these little one(s) stuck. Next minute I am at the dark bottomless pit thinking there is just no way. I still have a week to go. 7 days of ups and downs and loop de loops.
I craved milk last night. I got ill eating a peice of cake at my pedicurist. I get cramps occasionally. I thought there was the tiniest of tiny spots of pink when I wiped yesterday. All of this and I think I am just losing my mind and grasping at any straw I can, or even maybe making it all up in my mind.
I stopped checking symptoms about 2 years ago. I knew that it was all a mind game, that I could make anything a symptom had I wanted to. Now though as the picture of my embabies hangs before me on the desk, I am convinced that these symptoms MUST be real.
:::record scratch:::
What if they are not and in 7 days I am devestated. I don't want to be devestated. I don't want to look Scott in the eyes and tell him it didn't work. For the first time in all of this, he sounds like he has hope too. He was talking baby to me last night - something we have not done in years! His parents got sent a picture of the embies and are joking that embie 1 looks like MIL. My mom everytime she sees me says "hows my granddaughter" (she wants a girl don't you know). I don't want to disappoint them, I don't want to disappoint myself.
In all reality though, there is a 55 - 60% chance that I will disappoint. This was never a done deal from the beginning. Yeah, 4-5 eggs fertilized. Something I never imagined. Yeah, one embryos made it to freeze. Just WOW. 3 out of 5 eggs good enough. BUT we still have to see if they will stick. And sticking is the most important part of all and I am afraid that eventually all this good news will turn to bad. It is just too good. There has to be a flip side.
That has been the story of my life so far.
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2 comments:
Krissy - the wait is excruciating, I know!!! I just started my stims today and I went for a facial, pedicure and manicure. I am really going to pamper myself this cycle in the vain hope that it will ease the stress.
I will keep my fingers crossed for you!
I really hope that this works for you and that you can jump off this roller coaster once and for all.
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