All drama is done

So Scott dealt with his brothers and mothers. G is the godfather. Enough said and enough drama for a lifetime.

Dillon is getting ready to come home. During rounds yesterday the doctors said he is on track to come home before the end of the week. They would definitely keep him today, but if all goes well ... no specific date. I told the nurses and doctors it sucked to get a specific date in mind, have that day come and go into the room to see a set back making it impossible to take him home. So they respect that and told me that they will take it one day at a time and let me know when the are confident he WILL come home.

So on talking to the doctor, they are looking for a weight increase in the next day or two. If he continues to feed the way he has been all is looking good.

I can not tell you how relieved I am to have an end in site. I am so tired of going to the hospital daily. I spent enough time there before the birth.

Scott got a cold, we think the same reaction from the N1H1 flu shot I got. A week after I got mine, I had a sinus cold. Same exact thing Scott has now a week after his shot. He does not want to go to NICU to see Dillon. I do not want to risk getting him sick either. So hopefully Scott will feel better in a day or two when it is time to bring Dillon home!

Oh and today is Dillon's "scheduled birthday". We have estimated due date, induction due dates and his actual birthday. Today is induction day. We have the date circled on the calender with DILLON'S B-DAY written on it. And it crossed off as well.

On a funny note:

I was talking about wanting a mothers pendent for Christmas a few month ago. I told Scott the one I wanted and then forgot about it. Scott and I were talking about birthstones a couple of nights ago and how I was now stuck with yellow topaz again (my birthday is in November). Scott's eyes got very big and when I asked what was wrong, he told me he had ordered the pendant the week before Thanksgiving because it said it would take 3-4 weeks to get it engraved with Dillon's name. He ordered the wrong stone obviously and there are no returns because of the engraving.

So for Christmas I will have a beautiful mothers pendant. Heart shaped with Dillon's name and a birthstone... Not his, but at least it is blue. Blue for Boy?

Monster in law strikes again

For the past week I have had to listen to her complaining about how she has yet to see "her baby". I have not even been able to hold MY baby for more then an hour at a time and YOU need to bitch and complain about how because of the strict NICU guidelines of only letting parents in, how you can not see him. I am worried about him keeping food down and getting strong enough to come home, but let me stop everything and listen to you whine and feel sorry for YOU.

Next, and this is a biggy. You think the choice of godfather is all wrong so why not manipulate to get what YOU want!

Here is the back story:

My FIL passed away 5 months ago, as you may remember. MIL lives with her 43 year old socially inept (to put it mildly) son R, who can not take care of himself because his mother and father have cooked every meal, done every load of laundry and paid every bill you have EVER had.

When my husband and I were deciding on who would be a good fit for godparenting roles we decided that the best fit would be his other brother G. First off, G is a responsible adult, takes care of himself and would be a wonderful roll model in our child's life. He is wonderful with children, and everything we want for our son. Also, Scott and G are close and that was important to me as someone who will continuously be in my child's life. We are happy with our choice.

So on Thanksgiving Scott thought it would be a great time to talk to G about having him be the godfather. G was THRILLED and honored and accepted the role. We announced it to the family (MIL and R were there). Enough said.

Flash forward to a little over a week later. Dillon is now here. 7 days old.

Scott gets a call from G saying he thinks the better choice would be R for a godfather and although he is honored, he does not want to accept the role! So Scott talks to him further and this is what comes out of his mouth "Well R has taken dads death pretty hard, so I think having him be godfather will lift his spirits"

WHAT????

I am sorry but I am sure all the brothers took the death of the father hard. I also think since R lives with his mother, he may have taken it harder because he was centered on the father being around and also needs to deal with his mothers emotions. BUT having him be godfather is not something to cheer someone up with! It is a commitment and responsibility. Plus, he is and always will be an uncle. If that alone can not cheer him up - well sorry you need to get into some type of grief counseling. Your father was sick for a very long time, he passed away and it is horrible and sad and cruel, but life does go on for the living. Yes, he is missed by all of us. I wish Dillon could have been able to meet is grandfather, but he is not a tool to cheer people up.

Now, why I am blaming my MIL in all of this... The same exact thing happened when Scott was deciding who would be best man for our wedding. He chose his best friend K. For months we listened to his mother say the right thing would be to have her son R be the best man (How so? Scott and R do not even talk to each other). Blah Blah. We are talking serious pressure on Scott to change his mind. So I can totally picture the ride home on Thanksgiving (G was driving) and her going on and on about the "right thing" being R as the godfather. Giving G the guilt trip and making him feel guilty and placing him in the middle of everything.

So Scott tells me all this and I lost it. Totally and completely lost it, I was in NICU and I think I was too loud, because a nurse popped her head in. I told him in no uncertain terms that if G backs out on being a godfather then we will not have ANY godfather. I will not be manipulated!

7 days. Dillon has been here for 7 days and already the drama will not stop. I am stressed and tired and we will create boundaries. Scott does not need this shit, I do not need this shit, so enough already!!!

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On a happier front, Dillon did well on his feeds yesterday. He had pulled his feeding tube out the night before 3 times, so I had a talk with him and said he would not need that thing if he just eats more. So it appeared he listened because he went the whole day without it being replaced.

He is on the schedule for his circ. on Monday. The doctor will not set a hard day for him to come home. I will not set a hard day for him to come home (we had 2 dates so far that have come and gone). Let's just say, they require you to remain in the hospital for 1 day after a circ. - So he will be home soon!

Dillon after ripping out his feeding tube for the third time Friday:

A few more days to go!

Dillon is continuing to do wonderfully. He gained an ounce, although it is mostly because they had been force feeding him and given him IV fluids for 5 days.
He has been steadily increasing is formula intake the last couple of days. He gets the concept of eating, but all the work gets him sleepy. If we keep him up and awake he will eat, the challenge is keeping him awake!

He is alert and beautiful though! He looks all around and has some head control. He is not a crier, the nurses say we got really lucky and so far he appears pretty laid back. I only really heard him cry twice so far. Once was when the were pealing off one of his leads and the other was when he was getting his sponge bath.

The game plan is to have him be ready for release on Monday. They shut off his lights and will check his body temp and Billy Rubin counts. He will be on a monitored diet and needs to eat more then 30cc at each feeding. If he continues to do that Monday he will come home! 1 day before his scheduled birthday!!!

I am home, Dillon is not and guilt

I was released yesterday. I am still sore but doing better each day.

Dillon is getting better as well. He went from being on a respirator the first day to breathing 100% room air since. He needed lights, mostly because of all the bruising on his face. They say his kidneys will need to work overtime to fix the broken capillaries and by placing him on lights it helps prevent jaundice. Last night they took him off and are hopeful he can stay off, but will test him each day. He prefers the lights off. He loves being swaddled and is a lot more calmer now then what he was for the past two days.

He has begun eating formula, I had made the decision to exclusively formula feed far before he was born and now that I can not be there with him all day, I am glad I did make that decision. He needs to bulk up and learn to feed before he is released so this will help. He ate 16cc last night and is a champion drinker!

Finally, he is on day 3 of a 7 day course of antibiotics that are given through IV. They ran additional testing to make sure there are no signs of infections. If that comes back negative, he will be off the IV Saturday and if he continues to do well, he may be coming home to us by this weekend.

Now that I am home without him I feel this incredible sense of guilt. I need to wait for a ride to the hospital because I can not drive myself. My dad will take me in but he needs to work until noon each day. So all morning long I have been struggling with not being there for my child. I also feel guilty because I do not even really feel as though he IS mine right now. Like I am some babysitter going in for 2 hour shifts here and there. I have not had much bonding time with him and need more, but am not sure when I can get more. It is so incredibly hard. Harder then I imagined.

When I was in the hospital, I was looking forward to real food and a real shower and bed. Now that I am here, I would give anything to be just 3 floors up from him and an elevator ride away.

I am not sure how mothers of 24-25 week preemies can make it through the months of torture this one day has been. I am hoping it will get easier as the days pass and that he will be home soon.

November 28, 2009

Dillon is here.

I was not expecting to be typing that for a little over a week. But I was never good with sticking to plans and it looks like my son feels the same way.

***warning this will be graphic, I am sharing the whole birth story****

Friday was like every other Friday after Thanksgiving. My father came by at about noon with my decaf ice coffee and left over turkey that I had forgotten at his house the night before. I heated it up, had some lunch and then went to take a nap.

I had lied down and was flipping and flopping for about 1/2 hour before I nodded off. I slept for about a half hour when I felt a gush of water. I ran to the bathroom thinking I lost all bladder control. No, that is not it. I do not have to pee, but the water kept coming. I looked in the toilet and there was some pink blood. HOLY SHIT. Breath. Okay what do I do. Oh, call the doctor.

I call and it is considered a holiday, no one was on and I got the messaging service. I tried speaking calmly to whoever answered. He asked me what my last name was and I forgot how to spell it, he asked for my hospital ID number, the one I have used for about 4 years now at every monitoring blood draw and appointment through IF and pregnancy... umm BREATH! Okay, I got through that. He tells me he will call the on call doctor and I should hear something in the next 10 minutes.

Next I call my mother and Scott. Yes, right now Scott is not letting me live it down that I called her first. But what is done is done. She is calming, been through it before, is a nurse and all that. Scott, when I called said "are you sure?" So yes, I called my mother to make sure I was sure.

My mother, father and Scott are both on their way to my house. I did not pack a bag, that was on the agenda for the weekend. So I go and try to get things together. All the while I am still leaking fluid and filling pads fast. My mom gets there and tells me to sit down. She attempts to fill the bag but can't find anything. I tell her I will do it, but she yells at me to sit. I listen.

Scott comes in about two minutes later. He then goes to finish packing the bag. He got the leash on the dog and gave the dog to my father so he could watch them. Then my mother, Scott and I head to the hospital.

Scott drops me and my mother out in front while he parks the car. We both tell him not to forget the bag. As we walked in I kept feeling more gushes of water. Honestly, it amazes me how much water was in there! In the elevator it felt as though my pants were soaked. I was looking at my mother rolling my eyes as people were piling on the elevator. How embarrassing, but hell you are never going to see me again!

I go to triage and get undressed, at this point it is 3:30 in the afternoon. They told me not to wear underwear, but did not put anything absorbent on the bed. I am done caring at this point and just get undressed and hop on the bed. Scott comes in and then a couple of minutes later a midwife comes in to check for amniotic fluid. As she said, there is not doubt. So she sends us down to the delivery room. The nurse greats us and tells us it was slow this weekend so we have the "VIP room". It is a pretty large room with great views of the city skyline and Charles River. But, if I was Giselle and Tom Brady, I think I would expect more. But alas, I am not so I am just glad they had more then one reclining seat so my mom and Scott can both get comfy.

I lie on the bed and get an IV and attached to the baby monitors. I still can not feel contractions, but according to the monitor I am definitely having them. The doctor then comes in and explains how they will monitor my blood pressure and if it goes to high they will give me magnesium to lower it. He also tells me that because my water broke, they would like me to deliver in less the 24 hours to prevent the risk of infection to both myself and Dillon. He said he would watch labor for the next couple of hours, but if things didn't progress he would give me a drug to speed up the contractions. He said the drugs will be administered slowly and most likely we would not be seeing much progress until the morning, so he told me to get some rest.

So the next hour was pretty uneventful I asked Scott for the bag... he forgot it in the car. He also forgot the camera! We always forget the camera! We agreed that he could make it to home and back before anything happened. So he leaves.

At about 7pm the doctor decided to start the contraction drugs. I told him I wanted to wait until Scott was back and he should be here any minute. He agreed to wait, but told me to tell the nurse as soon as he walked in. The nurse came in and started to prepare everything. She told me to sit up in a chair for a bit, because once the drug was in, they would want me to stay in bed. I went to the bathroom, rocked in the chair and waited for Scott to come back.

In he walked, the nurse called the doctor, the doctor came and looked over everything and administered the drug. He also took my blood pressure, which was not bad, all things considering, 152/78.

I felt my first contraction about 10 minutes after the drug was in the IV. It was mild, but I felt it. A big change from the past couple of hours. I was feeling it every 10 -15 minutes to begin. Then steadily at 10 minutes, 8 minutes, 5 minutes. Mostly the pain was in my back. It felt as though I was sitting on a knife stabbing me in the back repeatedly. At about 10pm, I looked at my mother and said I really would like the epidural. She told me, that it would be a long night if I had the epidural now. The nurse came in and said I looked really uncomfortable and she would be able to get me something to help me relax in between contractions. I agreed to take that and it did help for about an hour. I was able to nod off in between the contractions but it was not enough. I begged my mother again for the epidural. Again she said she didn't think it was time.

Scott, by the way, was my silent rock. He was there holding my hand, giving me water and making silly jokes because he was nervous. Oh and eating all the Italian Ice.

At about 11pm the doctor came in to check my progress. He did an internal and he said "oh my, you are 90% effaced already" At that point, I said "It isn't too late for the epidural is it" ... No, thank God! So they called the anesthesiologist to get it all started.

Let me tell you! I never ever ever would have been able to make it through without this wonder drug. I am by far a wimp, but why go through torture when you don't have to!
So with the epidural in, we began pushing. But after the first set of pushes the contractions slowed down, so the doctor decided to give it an hour for more steady contractions. I took a nap and prepared.

At about midnight I started my 3 hours of active pushing. I could not feel my right leg and not move it at all, my left leg had some feeling to it so I could at least lift it when it was time to begin the pushes. Scott was frozen at the start of everything. He had no idea what to do. In hind sight, I probably should have signed us up for birthing classes, just for his sake but what was done was done. My mother started coaching me, Scott paced back and forth.

I pushed and I pushed. I napped in between contractions. I got cold flashes and hot flashes, I threw up and I bled. All the time though my blood pressure stayed pretty low. About an hour into it, Scott finally figured out what to do. During a push all of a sudden out of no where he screamed "come on Krissy push you can do it!"... Of course I laughed instead of pushed because it was not expected at that point. He then took over for my mother and did a pretty great job. Rubbing my back and my head, getting me water. He was amazing!

All that pushing and Dillon was not moving. He was also face up. The doctor said he could try to turn him which may help the progression. So in she went to try to turn him. She did fairly quickly and we began pushing again. She mentioned forceps, but I wanted to try on my own. Still nothing after another hour of pushing. At about 2:30, the doctor again suggested forceps. She said she could see the head, and it could be over in no time if we used the forceps. At that point I was spent both emotionally and physically and wanted to meet my son, so I agreed.

They called in the anesthesiologist to boost the epidural so I would not feel the forceps. They then set everything all up with clamps and all the doctors piled in the room waiting for Dillon's arrival. After 2 pushes the doctor said "next one, give me a nice big push and you can meet your son". At that point I busted out in tears and gave it my all. Out he came... and not crying!

I was looking over at the pediatricians and could not see what they were doing. I sent Scott over and he watched then came back and said it was okay, but I still could not hear him cry. My mother was watching and I was trying to read her facial expressions. All the while I was being sutured up. Everything seemed to be taking forever... until I heard it, I heard him cry!

The wrapped him up and I got to hold him for 1 minute and then the whisked him away again. All this and I was still being sutured. "How many stitches are there?" I asked... "Oh we don't count" Turns out I have a third degree laceration and far too many stitches to count, but pain meds are a wonderful thing!

I kept asking about Dillon and everyone assured me he was fine but because it was such a traumatic birth he would need some air just for a while. He was in shock, but at 35 weeks he should be just great.

He was on a respirator for 24 hours and is now breathing room air. He seems to be doing great, but they need to get him to feed a little first before going home. I am being discharged in the morning. He most likely will be here for another couple of days.

I am actually healing pretty well. Sore and swollen and bleeding (although that has let up a lot). But it was all worth it. Every ounce of pain I feel is worth it when I hold Dillon or see Scott holding him.

Dillon, Mom and Dad on his 2 day old birthday, respirator free and a little bruised from being face up.

PS - Thanks Flower for helping me fix the cutoff picture!

I am going to whine for a minute...

I am super achy. It feels like I ran a marathon and all I have done today was get up 62 times to pee, take a shower and my big adventure to the doctors office.

I used to be a very active person who was always moving. To now being stuck in bed. My bones, joints and muscles are really feeling it. I am starting to hate my once cozy bed and soft and comfy couch. HATE THEM!

I am so afraid once I do have the baby that I will be so not used to doing anything that I will become lazy and/or not have as much energy as I used to. Just looking at the stroller at this point and I can not imagine being able to lift it because I haven't lifted anything heavier then a 12oz water bottle in 8 weeks!

I want to take a nice long shower - but I can't because I will start seeing spots, which is my cue to sit down and relax.

I have 2 weeks to go and I think I am starting to get antsy now that I see the end in sight. I am so proud I made it this long out of the hospital when all bets were off of me making it past 34 weeks. I am so thankful Dillon is growing big and strong.

I just want the next two weeks to hurry up and get over with!

All about the hubby!

Nothing new really on the medical front. I am hanging in there with 3 weeks to go. My urine is acting up again, with traces of blood in it. I am doing another 24 hour urine, but my doctor said the blood could be coming from the cervix and not to be overly concerned unless I experience pain, which I am not! So I keep on keeping on...

I did decide to share with you how incredible and supportive Scott has been through all this. Not only does he put up with my parents daily because they are watching over me during the week when he is working. But he does EVERYTHING I ask without batting an eye. That is a lot considering I can not do anything myself.

We spent this weekend finishing the nursery products. The swing, and all the baby stuff is now put together or put away until we need them. The room is almost complete, he needs to wash the babies sheets and clothes this weekend. Put in the car seat and get it inspected.

I can not tell you how much I love him through all this! I am incredibly thankful for every second of everyday we share together. He is so excited and so nervous for Dillon's arrival. Mr. Laid Back is finally showing some of that nervous "I am about to be a dad" energy.

My mom was talking to him about the labor process and he said "I read that in the book" (the book he claimed he did not read).

I can not wait to share this whole process with him. Scared, but excited. He looks at every u/s picture in amazement. He always says "I think he looks like me" when showing them off to friends. He is a proud papa already! I can not wait for the day he gets to hold Dillon in his arms for the first time. I cry thinking about it now, I am sure I will explode the day it happens for real!

It was a long seven years. A lot of ups and downs along the way. Sometimes we were at a crossroad and questioned if we would ever make it while dealing with the horrors of infertility. The last two years we were more united then ever and it gets better everyday! I am so thankful that we fought to stay together and now are so much stronger for it. I am really not sure how couples who get married and then push out their first babies within the year survive. We have learned so much about each other during these years. That is something positive I can now look back on through the years of dealing with infertility.