Is knowledge power?

I went for my first stim check with my new clinic. I was nervous because although I am the stim check pro I had no idea what they did at this clinic. With my last clinic, you sign in using your first name and last name initial and sit and wait, either the blood person calls you or the u/s nurse comes to get you. Who ever grabs you first. Turns out, it is pretty close to that at this clinic as well. I sign in and check which procedures I need done and then when it is slow because you are the last appointment of the day, they fight for who gets to get you first... The blood won today.

What was uncomfortable for me at this clinic is that they have you go into the restroom that is adjasent to the u/s room, empty your bladder and take off your clothes from the waste down there. Then you are instructed to drape yourself with the very flimsy paper "sheet" and walk into the u/s room with the u/s tech sitting there waiting for you. My last clinic had you change in the room, hop on the table drape yourself and then the u/s tech would come in...Somehow hopping up on a table while someone is waiting for you, with nothing on except a see through peice of paper can be nerve racking. But I got through it, and I am sure after three or four of these I will not think about it much at all.

Next was the ultrasound, with my last clinic they had a doctor doing them. He or she (based on who was the grunt that day) and I would both look at the screen and he would read off the measurements of my lining and each follicle in my ovaries to the nurse who was in the room taking notes. I would have a clear understanding every time I went in there of how many I had, how big and everything else. Also, I got pretty damn good at knowing what I was looking at on the screen and could see the three strips of my lining and the large and small follicles. I enjoyed looking.

Here, the screen was not in sight and the woman did not say a word except to tell me to press on my stomach. She said they do not measure anything smaller then 12mm (my last clinic measured everything above 10mm). She did not give me a count but did say I had a "bunch" in my left ovary, all under 12mm and a couple on the right that were 12mm. Then "okay you are all set, you will get a call this afternoon".

As I sat up from the table, I started to say "how many" and I stopped myself. Is knowing going to help? Will I compare this cycle to last? Will having one more or two less make or break this cycle? Last cycle I had eleven, six more then my previous cycle and still the results were the same. Even if I had twelve or thirteen, I would still come home today and still take my shot and still pray for a miracle. What if I only had five? I would come home, freak out a little, but still wait for the call and take my shot and pray for that miracle.

So I just got up, hoped that little flimsy peice of paper was covering my back side and left. Knowledge will not change anything, so it has no power. For today at least.