Bitterness and blame

I fight with this feeling everyday and I hate that I feel this way, but I do. I am angry at my sister. Perhaps it is overlapped childish jealousy? She is Dee and I am Dee's sister and that is how it was all through grammar school until our adult years where we moved away from each other and not very many people knew both of us to compare. She was always talented and successful in everything she has placed her hands on. I was not so much. I love her and I hate feeling this way and thought I got passed this jealousy shortly after high school when I found my own nitch in life. Funny how it comes raring it's ugly head 20 years later!

The comparison is our fight to parenthood. Seven years ago she dealt with infertility. She tried three rounds of Clomid with TI, then moved on to clomid with IUI. She was successful on her second try with that. Twin boys, born 3 weeks before my wedding. I was thrilled for her and love my nephews to peices.

Then, a year after I got married we figured we were dealing with infertility as well. We never used protection after the wedding, but never timed anything then started timing come the new year. Scott and I had the long talk about what to do. In his mind treatment equaled twins because all he had to look at was my sister. Scared of multiples we put off treatment and put it off some more until the 5 year mark when I convinced him two would be better then none. Reluctantly he agreed. I went for testing, discovered I had Hypothyroidism and once that was leveled out we started treatment. 6 years in.

So here I sit now. After a year of sticking myself with needles. Being a pro at egg retrievals and knowing far too much about embryos and blastocysts, much more then I thought I ever needed to know anyway, and still no child. Her twins are going to be 7 years old and that also marks the timeline of my struggle with IF.

Why? Why was this struggle quicker and easier on her? What did she do to deserve a BFP? Sure, I have had my moments, but I am generally a good person. I believe in karma and all of that. Why am I sitting her now wondering if the last shot we can afford will work and not holding my child(ren)? Why am I now thinking about a game plan to save enough money for a fourth rather then planning my trip to Disney World?

I blame myself as well. We should have never waited 5 years to look into why we were not getting pregnant. I blame my husband for not wanting treatment sooner. I blame the universe for allowing this. I blame God for not listening to my prayers. I blame myself for not having faith in who or whatever to make this possible for us.