Another two week wait

I had my appointment yesterday with the RE and basically it was a 45 minute ride and a co-pay to have him tell me congratulations. He said he has these appointments to answer any questions I might have about how the cycle went, but to tell you the truth, since the cycle resulted in a BFP I did not have any questions. None that I could think of right then anyway.

He gave me a list of my embryos and their growth through the 5 days in the lab. It is interesting to note that on day 3 none were at 8 cells. I had two 7 cells and one 6 cell. The one that arrested never made it past 1 cell. Had they been transfered at that point, I probably would have been bummed and thought the cycle doomed because none made it to 8 cells.

Then at day 5 before the transfer, the one that was at 6 cells on day three was the extended blastocyst so it caught up and passed the two in the lead on day three. The expanded blast was the only one that was graded fully - 4bb, which meant it was fully expanded and showed good inner cell mass and a good trophectoderm. The highest quality given would have been a 4AA at that point. The other two were not there yet and were simply graded at a 1 and a 2, meaning they were not fully expanded and showed blastocoel cavity beind half or less the half of the embryo.

So going by this scientific accessment I will guess that I will have a singleton. We will see though.. after all I am just using my internet degree in Embryology.

Now comes symptoms. None. The doctor did not seem concerned by it at all. But that does not ease my worry at all. I want to feel the little one growing inside me to know everything is all right. I was tired last week, now I am not. I was crampy last week and now I am not. I am however bloated, which it seems for the last year I have been, so maybe it is more fat then bloat? I am worried that because the tiredness I felt last week ended, so did my pregnancy. But as I am told by everyone, symptoms come and go and no one really felt much until about 7 weeks. So at this point all I can do is pray that this little one hangs on tight. My ultra sound is scheduled two weeks from today. So here I go again, in another 2ww!

Second beta is back

826!!! More then doubled!

My mom is convinced I have twins. She called Scott up yesterday and told him so. Scott has had the deer in headlights look on his face for the past 24 hours since. We knew this could be a possibility but the chance of it being reality is a scary thing. And what if it is triplets, that is always a possibility since 3 were placed back in. I try to reassure him the beta numbers do not indicate anything, which they don't really, but I keep comparing my numbers to everyone elses to get a sense of if it could be multiples. It is going to be a long couple of weeks until the first u/s! I know once we find out, either way, after the initial shock wears off we will be elated, but we have to get to that shock first.

So that brings me to the days dragging. I found out Wednesday and it is now Sunday. Five days has gone by and it feels like a year already. Driving to my blood draw yesterday seemed to take twice as long. The days seem 4 times as long. I wish I could fast forward now to get to the u/s and hell delivery! I waited long enough for this child, haven't I?

I am not feeling much in the way of symptoms. I take a nap in the afternoon. I have eaten a bit more then normal, but I do not feel nauseous or dizzy or anything really. I wish I would get sick so it would feel more real. Weird, I know, but it is the truth.

I have a Doctors appointment Tuesday. Until then...

Beta day!

My beta was scheduled for 10am. I woke up super early and peed on a stick, which has become my morning ritual. Still two lines, this one slightly darker then yesterdays. Then I got ready and hung around the house until it was time to leave, I probably could have waited another 1/2 hour or so, but I was too excited and wanted to get on with it. So I made the 45 minute drive in to have a 2 second blood draw and drove back home. When I got home I plugged my phone in the charger and figured I would kill time playing games on the internet... Not five minutes later did the phone ring. Beta was back already!

"Hi is Kristen there"

"Kristine, yes" (I have corrected the same nurse on my name about 4 times now) "How are you?"

"Not as good as you! Congrats!!!"

Now is this the point where excitement should enter the scene? Not for me! I asked for the numbers, which she told me were 211 and that is "fabulous". Then she scheduled my next beta and told me I would still come in to talk to the Doctor next week, originally it was the WTF appointment, now it will be a What to expect meeting...much nicer =)

I then called Scott. He said "That's good" I said "It is official" He said "Official, good" Not much excitement on that end either. I call my sister and Mom and they are jumping up and down excited. Both asked "Are you excited?"

My answer? "Yep, well it hasn't kicked in yet but yeah I will be excited"

So to describe what I and I think my husband are feeling: Shell Shocked. I want to be excited. I even went to Baby's R Us and looked around. But when the woman asked if she could help me I felt almost dumb, like "Hi I just found out I was pregnant 1 hour ago and I am here to get my excitement on." I could not picture MY baby in any item in the place. I did see a nice crib. But it still does not seem real enough for me to look at details of that real crib. I bought a Red Sox onesie (is that how you spell onesie?) but it felt more like I HAD to by one then I wanted to by one.

Okay so umm wow!

I pretty much convinced myself I wasn't. I even had a drink last night - oops! So this afternoon I was in a funk and thought I would just get the torture and the crying over with. I go to the store... buy a 3 pack of HPTs and a digital for good measure...

I come home and POAS to find this within 3 seconds:




I didn't have to squint or anything. It is just there. I AM PREGNANT. Of course I have looked at this thing every 2 seconds since to make sure I am not imagining things and it is still here. Two lines!

So I call Scott. I say I am pregnant he says "cool" then he says "I hope there is two or less in there" and the freak out has begun for him and the disbelief has begun for me. I can not wait until Wednesday for my Beta and I will probably POAS every second until then!

Symptoms: None. I have felt like every other cycle. The bloat never went away and usually it does in the second week. But other then that I feel like the person I always am on progesterone. Nothing would have convinced me I was pregnant. Nothing!

Bitterness and blame

I fight with this feeling everyday and I hate that I feel this way, but I do. I am angry at my sister. Perhaps it is overlapped childish jealousy? She is Dee and I am Dee's sister and that is how it was all through grammar school until our adult years where we moved away from each other and not very many people knew both of us to compare. She was always talented and successful in everything she has placed her hands on. I was not so much. I love her and I hate feeling this way and thought I got passed this jealousy shortly after high school when I found my own nitch in life. Funny how it comes raring it's ugly head 20 years later!

The comparison is our fight to parenthood. Seven years ago she dealt with infertility. She tried three rounds of Clomid with TI, then moved on to clomid with IUI. She was successful on her second try with that. Twin boys, born 3 weeks before my wedding. I was thrilled for her and love my nephews to peices.

Then, a year after I got married we figured we were dealing with infertility as well. We never used protection after the wedding, but never timed anything then started timing come the new year. Scott and I had the long talk about what to do. In his mind treatment equaled twins because all he had to look at was my sister. Scared of multiples we put off treatment and put it off some more until the 5 year mark when I convinced him two would be better then none. Reluctantly he agreed. I went for testing, discovered I had Hypothyroidism and once that was leveled out we started treatment. 6 years in.

So here I sit now. After a year of sticking myself with needles. Being a pro at egg retrievals and knowing far too much about embryos and blastocysts, much more then I thought I ever needed to know anyway, and still no child. Her twins are going to be 7 years old and that also marks the timeline of my struggle with IF.

Why? Why was this struggle quicker and easier on her? What did she do to deserve a BFP? Sure, I have had my moments, but I am generally a good person. I believe in karma and all of that. Why am I sitting her now wondering if the last shot we can afford will work and not holding my child(ren)? Why am I now thinking about a game plan to save enough money for a fourth rather then planning my trip to Disney World?

I blame myself as well. We should have never waited 5 years to look into why we were not getting pregnant. I blame my husband for not wanting treatment sooner. I blame the universe for allowing this. I blame God for not listening to my prayers. I blame myself for not having faith in who or whatever to make this possible for us.

Thank You!

With five days to go I wanted to write a sincere thank you to everyone who has read my blog and given me words of encouragement throughout this whole thing. It is amazing how much support you have all been for me through out all these years. You are always there for me to make me hope or to hope for me when I can't any longer. I do not always reply to your words, but with each one it brings a smile to my face!

I also want to give everyone an update on Scott's dad. He was moved within the last week to a rehab hospital. He can now speak through a voice machine, although mostly all he says is "take me home". He still has a long road ahead of him, but they are working with him to feed himself and eventually stand and walk. Hopefully one day we can take him home!

And that will be all. To test or not to test. I will not test today or tomorrow. I am going to the first Red Sox game of the year for me Sunday so it will fill the time. I will sit and not drink a beer and stuff myself with nachos and hot dogs and cracker jacks.

So that will bring me to Monday... 2 more days to go after that! Stick baby(s) - stick!

Okay so I lied!

I told myself to not obsess for the nine days and I did really well until last night. So I made it a whopping 3 days with out thinking too much about it. Now the weekend is here and along brings a whole lot of worries.

I do not feel anything. Nothing at all, like I have never felt anything. So I pretty much convinced myself that this is over. After years of doing this, you would think I would be so fine tuned into what my body was doing that I would feel something? I know, I know, some people do not feel anything and bam next thing they know they are looking at two lines, but that is not usually - or I should say never - the case for me.

I have flip flopped over an over about buying a HPT. I did a mad search in my bathroom cabinets this morning in hopes I had a left over one, but nope. I want to pee on something. But I drove by two drug stores and did not pull over, because I am afraid to put a definite end to this dream. Is 4 days past a 5 day transfer too soon anyway? Most likely.

I just hate this! I hate not knowing which way my life is heading. I want a vacation, I want to try one more time? I want a baby! I look at my three little ones and I hope and dream that one or more are my sticky ones, then reality hits and I say would I not feel it! Pinch, cramp, do something! Let me know you are in there, let me know my dream is still alive!

One day down

Yesterday I took comfort in knowing that my wait for beta would be shorter this time around. Scheduled at 9 days past transfer rather then the 14 days past I had to wait the last two times. But today, the day has dragged by. Maybe it is because I have been home for two days straight and limiting the amount of stuff I do. You can only stare into a computer screen or TV for so long before your mind wanders to the possibility. I go back to work tomorrow, and will be working 5 days straight until Monday, so maybe that will help kill some time? Probably not.

I did the usual comparisons online with my blast pictures and those on line and I must say they look pretty good. Of course I am not a lab tech and I am looking at a very poor quality picture, but from my untrained eye they do look good.

The progesterone is starting to kick in. I took a nap yesterday afternoon and then was tired again by 10pm last night. I slept until about 9am this morning and I am tired again now at 2pm. Other then that I am not feeling any other progesterone symptoms.

I probably will not be writing much to the blog until Beta day. I am trying to not let this have a hold on my life as much as possible. I will not test before that day and will only do so after I return home from the blood draw so I am not caught off guard with the call. I will not read into symptoms because that has done nothing for me in the past. I finally accept the fact that I have no more control over the outcome of this. It either is going to work or not. Next Wednesday we will find out!

All in!

So I got the news on Saturday that I would be going in for a 5 day transfer come monday. I asked about the embryos and the quality and all the nurse could tell me is that I did have some to transfer, she did not have any information other then that. So it was a long weekend. I could have one or two or I could have three or four? What if I only had one and it arrests over the weekend?
I jumped from one worse case scenario to the next pretty much every hour I was awake.

Then finally Monday morning came! I got up at 7am to shower and get dressed and wait for Scott to do the same. We didn't have to leave the house until 9am but I wanted to be ready. Then I turned my cell on to see if there were any messages: None - good! I got my bottle of water and started drinking, then packed another to drink on the way. Finally 9am came and we were out the door.

We got to the clinic at about 9:40, there was less traffic then I thought there would be. We sat in the car and listened to the radio for a few minutes, but I was getting antsy and needed to go in. So in we went. I checked in then I waited and waaaiited. Not only did I need to know what was going on with my embryos, but I needed to pee!

At about 10:10 they came and got me. Scott and I both got dressed or in my case, undressed and we waited some more. I wish they realized that waiting for an embryo report is bad but waiting with an overly full bladder is horrendous!

At about 10:30 the doctor who was doing the transfer came to introduce herself, I still have no clue what her name is! She then told me about the embryos... 1 is and expanded blastocyst. 2 are blastocysts and one arrested on day3. I had THREE! She then asked if I still wanted to go with the game plan of transfering all three. I hesitated. Three, oh my, I never imagined having three! Then Scott out of no where said "All in!!" I agreed, this might be our last shot after all, might as well make it all or nothing!

We then went back into the transfer room, I got pictures of my blasts - that is right I have Blasts! I asked the embryologist about their quality and she said they all looked great with lots of cell division. The doctor then came in and was really great with the transfer. She was making small talk through the whole thing. Next thing I knew she was pointing to the screen and said "You see that white blob right there? That is your embryos" She also told me that things could not have gone better!

I can not even remember going to the bathroom, getting dressed or the ride home. I am just in a complete state of shock that right now I am housing not one or two but three perfect little blastocysts! Please little ones stick, Please! (Oh and when I write that I freak a little because heaven help us if ALL of them stick!)

The longest days...

It has been the longest day ever and it is only 7:30 in the morning. I hate Fridays to begin with because work is super slow. Add to it that I am waiting for tomorrow for potentially life altering news and the clock ticks very slowly. How can you not think about it, when there is nothing to distract you from thinking about it?

Four. We were hoping to transfer three. What are the chances that all four will be good in 5 days? What are the chances that even two out of the four will be? I want to think positively, I really do but I am so afraid to get my hopes up. What if I answer that phone tomorrow and she tells me none made it or they are all horrible quality, what then?

We were thinking about transferring over my frozen embryo and thawing it to add to the total. When I found out it would cost about $2000, on top of the IVF cost, to thaw and add it in with this cycle, I declined and decided to just go with the ones we had. Saving that for a FET. Prolonging our chances by one more cycle, if this one didn't work.

I feel at this point like I have gone all in. You know the point of the Texas Hold 'em game where there is a hush over the crowd and the poker player stands up and takes off his hat and cut to a commercial break...This is just a 5 day long commercial.

Egg Retrieval and doubts

I had my egg retrieval yesterday. They had me trigger Monday night at 1am for a 1pm retrieval on Wednesday. I triggered at 1am on the dot. The instructions were for Scott to produce his sample before coming in. He did at about 11am and then we took the 45 minute ride into the clinic with me holding his sperm under my arm pit the whole way.

We got there at about noon and they waited until 12:15 to call me back to the waiting area where I got changed into a gown and waited. At about 1pm the retrieval doctor that day came out and told me they were running a bit behind, but they will come get me shortly. Then the nurse came by 5 minutes later. We asked if the sperm would be okay waiting all this time, since Scott was here he could produce a new sample if necessary. We want our boys as fresh as possible. The nurse assured me they did this all the time, and if andrology thought they needed another sample he would be called. So we waited some more.

At about 1:30 I was brought back to the OR. The anesthesiologist started the IV and next thing I know I was back in the holding area and asking how many eggs I had. The nurse said "they are still counting them" To which I thought "wow, maybe there is a lot"

She had me eat crackers and drink some ginger ale then got Scott from the waiting area. Still no word on my eggs at that point. She told me the doctor would come and speak to me in a minute. Why would a doctor need to speak to me? At the old clinic a doctor never came and spoke to someone after retrieval. Does that mean they want to gently tell me they got no eggs? It is amazing all the fear that runs through your head when no one is telling you anything.

So about 15 minutes goes by, the nurse comes again to get me dressed and then tells me the doctor is doing an egg transfer and can not talk to me. She tells me I have 6 eggs and that was what they were hoping for. But I had 9 follicles, why would you not hope for 9? She said it is common for some follicles to be empty. That never happened to me before? Each time I had eggs for each follicle I had and with my last one, some were even hiding.

So now I am doubting my choice to switch clinics. My last clinic always got my follicles. Every single one I had. Was the fact they ran so late a contributing factor? Did some eggs release before I was brought back to ER? I know there is nothing I can do at this point. I got the fertilization report this morning and four out of the six fertilized. My only hope now is to pray for those four to grow at the rate that they should and I can transfer them back home on Monday. I will get another report Saturday morning. Grow little ones, grow!

The quest for a cup

So it was news to me that this clinic preferred men to produce their samples at home on the day of ER. I read through all the paperwork three times, and no where does it give you a clue that this was how it was done. So I assumed, just like the first clinic, H would go in a 1/2 hour before me, go into a dark seedy room with porno from the 80's and do his thing. Nope, I found out that is not how it is done here yesterday when it was time to trigger.

"Where do you get a sterile cup" I asked. The nurse said "Any pharmacy would have them and if not come to to us tomorrow and pick one up." Well you are 45 minutes away, I thought. So no I will not be coming to you.

So, this afternoon I made it my quest to find one. Wal.greens - nope "Check the pharmacy down the street" the pharmacist said. The pharmacy down the street "What do you need it for? A pregnancy test?" Not exactly "Semen sample" I whispered, so the little old lady behind me could not hear. "OH oh, nope we don't have one of those"

And then my third Right Aid... "You have sterile cups?" Pharmacist "Check the first aid section" WHAT?

So I give up! I do not need this stress the day before ER. Scott will be going to visit his dad later at the hospital, he will ask one of the nurses if they have one. If not, sorry but H will have to do the deed in one of their examining rooms. We do not have a choice at this point! Maybe that will be a lesson to them to let people know to pick up a cup ahead of time!

And we're off!

I went in this morning to visit the vag cam. She saw 9 follicles over 12mm and then the u/s tech told me they will call later with instructions and sizes. So I spent the day like I do most days of vag cam visits, waiting for the phone to ring. And I waited and waited and then waited some more. Finally at 3:45 I called and left a message with my nurse. She called me right awat and told me that I would be triggering tonight, but they were still working ona schedule and will call me back with the time.

So I waited some more...

4:55 I get a call from a girl with spoke as though I was a second grader. Really slow and deliberate and annoying. "Take--your--shot, the--Ovidrel, at--1 am. You--need--to--take--it--on--time--so--make--sure--you--set--an--alarm--so--you--don't--fall--asleep--and--miss--it." Yep gotcha!

Then I asked what my E2 was and I felt like I was talking to a second grader "One thousand eighty-eight. I mean one thousand eight eight. Umm Thousandeight" Okay "You had a great rise and 9 measurable follicles" So I *think* she meant Eighteen hundrend and eight. That is a lot closer to my E2 last cycle, and my follicle count is pretty similar as well. So a decent response from my old and battered ovaries. I am happy and hopeful that we will get the same amount of eggs as last time with the one difference of there being a rock star in this bunch.

So I have to be in at noon on Wednesday. I am glad I can sleep in a bit. Scott is glad he gets to produce his sample at home with this clinic. Maybe his sperm will be happy with that as well? I will be most happy if two weeks from Wednesday I see two lines and of course, first thing first, I get some really good eggs this time. Ones that want to stick with me for a very long time!

Eureka!

After the nurse told me I could not come in on Saturday I was in a bit of a funk. I called my sister, a lawyer, and asked if I could sue if for reasons known to me (lack of monitoring) this cycle would get canceled. I didn't want monetary gain, just replacement for the money I would be out for all the drugs. She, with sisterly love, told me I was nuts and it would be more trouble then it was worth. She also told me that maybe, just maybe the doctor knew something more then me with my internet degree in infertility. Hmm.

Maybe he does know more then me, I sure hope he does. But I do know how my body worked for two past cycles, something he does not know because he just met me. So I hung up the phone with her and called my husband and then my mother for more of a bitch session. Both of them tried to calm me down. Both of them failed - what is the big deal about one extra ultrasound?

I then took a nice calming walk with my dog in the rain. When I got home, there was a voice mail. It was my nurse, she explained how she misunderstood the message and it was fine that I come in on Saturday - EUREKA!

So I woke up bright and early this morning to make the 40 minute trek in for blood work and an u/s. I asked this time. I am done not thinking. I have a 16mm, two 15's, a 14 and a 13. Most of them on my left ovary, which is weird since normally my right side is more dominant. She also said I have a "few" smaller ones, smaller to them is under 12mm. So basically I am cruising along just as I did for IVF #2.

So I wait for my phone call with further instructions. No doubt I WILL be on Ganirelex tonight. Score one for the internet doctors out there! I am also guesstimating that I will trigger on Monday for a Wednesday ER... we will see if that pans out.

Ugg

I am reading yesterdays entry and I am kind of chuckling how things can change from calm to panic in less then three hours. That's what it took me anyway. I got the call with instructions at about 2pm yesterday and all that not thinking stopped. As a matter of fact, I even have a headache from all the thinking I have been doing since that point.

My instructions. Stay on the same dose and come back Sunday. Sunday is 3 days away. In all my previous IVFs I have triggered on either a Sunday or Saturday... What? I am on Ganirelix this cycle. Last cycle I needed to start those shots on a Friday. With my last clinic, they had me coming in every other day until I reached the point of adding in Ganirelex. So to wait three days, what if something should happen.

Should I blindly trust the new doctor? If I do and I am right, then I will be out $4000 in meds. It is not his money on the line. The last bit of money we have for quite some time.

So I called and spoke to the nurse. She told me my E2 was at 247 and that it is not unreasonable that the doctor does not want to see me until Sunday. But she will also check to see if he will let me come in a day sooner for peace of mind. Of course, she calls me back today and says he most likely will add the Ganerelix on Sunday after my u/s then and he wants to keep the same appointment.

My first instinct - I much rather have way to many u/s and blood draws then too few, but then I wonder what if my last clinic added it in too soon and that is what caused my cycle to fail with all those crappy eggs? Shouldn't my doctor know by now what he is doing? This is only my 3rd one, but he has done this thousands of times. But out of the thousands of times, has he had to cancel any of them because he was not quick enough and an egg released?

In the IVF package, they warn you that cancellation is a possibility. I can not have that possibility happen to me. So being proactive could prevent that and that is what I want. IF I should not add Ganirelex in until Sunday night, I will send a box of cookies to my doctor and bow to his knowledge... If I need it before then and this cycle is canceled I swear I will go postal, but it is not in my control at this point. I need to have faith, it is just so hard to have that faith.

Is knowledge power?

I went for my first stim check with my new clinic. I was nervous because although I am the stim check pro I had no idea what they did at this clinic. With my last clinic, you sign in using your first name and last name initial and sit and wait, either the blood person calls you or the u/s nurse comes to get you. Who ever grabs you first. Turns out, it is pretty close to that at this clinic as well. I sign in and check which procedures I need done and then when it is slow because you are the last appointment of the day, they fight for who gets to get you first... The blood won today.

What was uncomfortable for me at this clinic is that they have you go into the restroom that is adjasent to the u/s room, empty your bladder and take off your clothes from the waste down there. Then you are instructed to drape yourself with the very flimsy paper "sheet" and walk into the u/s room with the u/s tech sitting there waiting for you. My last clinic had you change in the room, hop on the table drape yourself and then the u/s tech would come in...Somehow hopping up on a table while someone is waiting for you, with nothing on except a see through peice of paper can be nerve racking. But I got through it, and I am sure after three or four of these I will not think about it much at all.

Next was the ultrasound, with my last clinic they had a doctor doing them. He or she (based on who was the grunt that day) and I would both look at the screen and he would read off the measurements of my lining and each follicle in my ovaries to the nurse who was in the room taking notes. I would have a clear understanding every time I went in there of how many I had, how big and everything else. Also, I got pretty damn good at knowing what I was looking at on the screen and could see the three strips of my lining and the large and small follicles. I enjoyed looking.

Here, the screen was not in sight and the woman did not say a word except to tell me to press on my stomach. She said they do not measure anything smaller then 12mm (my last clinic measured everything above 10mm). She did not give me a count but did say I had a "bunch" in my left ovary, all under 12mm and a couple on the right that were 12mm. Then "okay you are all set, you will get a call this afternoon".

As I sat up from the table, I started to say "how many" and I stopped myself. Is knowing going to help? Will I compare this cycle to last? Will having one more or two less make or break this cycle? Last cycle I had eleven, six more then my previous cycle and still the results were the same. Even if I had twelve or thirteen, I would still come home today and still take my shot and still pray for a miracle. What if I only had five? I would come home, freak out a little, but still wait for the call and take my shot and pray for that miracle.

So I just got up, hoped that little flimsy peice of paper was covering my back side and left. Knowledge will not change anything, so it has no power. For today at least.

How do you keep hope alive

How do you keep hope alive?

I feel like I am going through the motions with this cycle. Wake up, take shot..wake up take shot. I am not even excited to see how many follies I have tomorrow. Because how many follies I have does not mean squat, really.

I thought the change in RE would give me some hope and it did at first, but now I am not feeling hopeful at all. I am almost living in a constant anxiety attack state where I can not catch my breath, I feel sick to my stomach. I'm afraid of hoping because I am afraid to be crushed in the end.

I would like to say this cycle is different, but what is different really? It is still me crappy body producing crappy eggs. Change of scenery does not change that.

Blah