2009 hasn't started off that great after all

I had so much hope that 2009 would be different then 2008, 2007, 2006 and every year since 2003. But it is not. I am starring at another failed cycle.

I prayed for the past two days that the HPT I took on Thursday was wrong. All last night before finally falling asleep I asked God to give me my miracle. I woke at 7am to get ready to go for my blood test and I took one final HPT to see that single line again. Normally I would examine it closely and at every angle to see if there was a line. This morning it just took me a second to notice nothing there. I chucked it in the trash and then went for my blood draw.

The whole drive in I wondered if the 99% accuracy of the test could be wrong. Maybe I bought the least sensative test on the market? Maybe something went wrong? I parked my car in the lot and accepted it for what it is. Another failed cycle.

On the way up the elevator the soul person who was in there with me got off on the 9th floor. She turned to me with a gentle smile and said "Have a good day" Was she the person who would turn my day around with her smile? Could she make one line double in a matter of hours? Was she my angel that God had sent to tell me everything would be okay? Was she a woman fighting cancer to ground me and tell me my life could be worse?

I sat in the waiting room dreading the blood draw. One last needle prick to end a month long journey to get me right back where I started. The woman drawing blood wished me good luck as I was leaving... I need more then luck I thought, and then I took the long elevator ride down to the lobby. I handed the woman my parking ticket and she told me it was free of charge... Usually it costs $7 for these appointments. Was that my luck turning?

Then I drove home, plugged in my phone so I would not miss the "I am sorry but unfortunatly it did not work this time" voice mail I will be recieving. I have not cried. Although I can feel the tears welling. I have been angry for days although I have not screamed. It is over. The month of January is over and I am numb.

This is not how January was supposed to end.