5 days to go

Since today is half over I will not count it. The waiting sucks, as we all know all too well. I am spending the day doing our taxes to try to get my mind off this for half a minute. Since I am here updating my blog, you can tell that is not really working. Taxes can wait. I need to know now!

I am trying not to read into symptoms this time. Last time I was all too hopeful that peeing 100 times a day and eating everything in sight was a sure sign of two lines. And it was not, just the progesterone and estrodoil at work. So this time around I am trying to take it all in stride. That is until I get a flutter, or I get a twinge or I yawn 2 hours after waking up from a 10 hour sleep. Then my mind wanders to what if. What IF this does mean something? But there is never anything that tells me for sure. And for sure is what I will be needing this time. I will not get my hopes up. I can't!

I spotted briefly on Saturday. Right after I got off the phone with my sister and me telling her I did not think it worked. She gave me a pep talk about how we never know. She didn't think she was until she peed on a stick. She doubted with every fiber of her body. Like I do. So could it be it? The spotting sure got me hopeful. But hope is something I am afraid of right now. Hope is what hurts the most when the dreams are dashed, but yet no matter how I try, I can not stop hoping.

So now all I can do is wake up every day and be a day closer to knowing what fate and hope has in store for me. Can I finally paint this ugly orange room I sit in day in and out? My 6 year temporary office that we never touched when we moved here. Because temporary was just that. Eventually we would be painting it some beautiful baby color. Is eventually finally here?

All I can do it hope.