And I don't want it to be. I feel the same things each day as the busted cycle. I try not to obsess, but I can not help it. Everything means something, but nothing at the same time.
Last cycle, what sticks out at me the most is the cramping I had in the middle of the night at about 5dpt. It was so strong and painful, it woke me up from my sleep and I laid there for about twenty minutes in agony until it went away. The same thing happened to me yesterday, 4dpt. I took a nap mid afternoon, when I woke up I was in horrible debilitating pain. I could not get up and I was having hot flashes. It went away after 10 minutes or so and have felt nothing since. The cramping I was having everyday up until that point has not returned. I feel nothing.
When I was cramping at least I knew something was going on. Something. Now I am worried that those horrible cramps were my body fighting off my embryos and it is a sign of the cycle ending in a bust. I want the cramps back, I want something to be different then last time. I want my baby(s).
I am already grieving the BFN because it is happening the same exact way it happened last time. I want a miracle, but miracles do not happen to me. I do not know what I will do it this cycle does not work. I feel so defeated and hopeless. I want to believe, but I am afraid of what pain believing could cause in the end. I am just feeling way to close to how I was feeling last cycle and last cycle was a bust. Why would this cycle be different?
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