A new year

Last night for New Years Eve I attended a party at the club I belong to. My entire family, aunts uncles, parents and sisters all go here as well. It is a social club that has members young and old. Each of us have known each other for years. I also work there, so see these people day in and out so it is like one big family, even if not by blood.

Usually I work these parties. I have been bartending for 10 years. So it is not often I get to enjoy the celebration side of New Year, or the drunk side. I think I made up for it last night. I figured Hey, this only comes once every ten years, plus I start stims Saturday - I might as well live it up! And Live it up I did!

During the party some requested the old Doris Day song, Que Sera, Sera. For those who may not be familiar with it, here are the lyrics:

When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother, 'What will I be?
Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me:
Que sera, sera
what ever will be, will be;
The future's not ours to see.
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
When I grew up and fell in love,
I asked my sweetheart, "What lies ahead,
will we have rainbows
day after day?"
Guess what my sweeheart said:
Que sera, sera
whatever will be, will be
the future's not ours to see.
Que sera, sera
what will be; will be
Now I have children of my own
they ask their mother "What will I be
will I be handsome?
will I be rich?"
I tell them tenderly
Que sera, sera
whatever will be, will be;
the future's not ours to see.
Que sera, sera
what will be, will be

My grandmother used to sing me this song when I was younger. Plus 20 drinks. Plus the lyrics. Equals Krissy crying like a moron in the middle of the dance floor with her mom dancing around her.

I feel the song sums up the new year perfectly for me though. Letting go. Moving on. I have been TTC now for 6 years. That is 2,190 days where I wake up and the first thing I think about is TTC and every minute there after is in somewhat related to that first thought. In the past year alone, I became obsessed with it and have let other things around me just falter. Friendships, my home and even my husband all were put on the back burner.

I am not completely giving up. I still have hope for this coming IVF cycle and we still plan on doing another one after should this one not work. Plus at least one FET with the embryo I have frozen.

But if all that should not work. I am prepared to let go. I realize that I put a limit on what I could handle physically, emotionally and financially and the end is near. I am at peace with the decision.

I have reached the acceptance stage.