They think I might be ready!

And I think I might throw up!

Todays scan revealed a 19, 18 and 18mm on my right, and a 16, 16 and 11mm on the left. My lining is still a 10 and I have no clue what my e2 is. That is what we are waiting on. The bloodwork will tell them for sure if I am about to trigger or not. So about 6 hours I have to wait. Six hours to know if I will need Tuesday and Friday off of work... Six hours to know if my mother (she is the butt shot giver because Scott is afraid of butt shots) will have to come into my work tonight and give me my trigger. Six hours of torcher!

Now I don't normally do this. I am not best friends with God. He seems not to listen to me very often, but I am calling on him today and solliciting your thoughts and prayer as well. Please God, make this work. Please! I could think of a million bargaining chips I could throw in at this point, like I will never swear again or I will never say an unkind thing to another human being, but nothing seems to fit the severety of this.

I am an overall good person. I will love this child with all my heart and soul. Isn't that the best bargaining chip anyone could use?

::sigh::

I guess if it was, a ton of us would not be suffering from infertility...

Todays stim check.

Well I have some substantial follies in there. On the right she said she couldn't get a very good angle because my ovary was pretty low and she didn't want to cause any discomfort trying to move the probe around down there, but from what she could see I had a 15mm, and two 13's. On my left, I have two 12's "and some smaller ones". My lining is a 10, which is thicker then it was for all three IUIs (it was an 8 for those)!

I asked her if I would need more drugs because I only have enough to stim through Monday and she said right now it looks like I would stim for tonight and tomorrow and then trigger on Monday, but she would know more tomorrow!

So now I am in freak out mode. I can not wait until they call me with my E2 levels. I can not wait until tomorrow to know FOR SURE when this is all going to happen. I honestly think the not knowing is the worst. I am a planner and not having a for sure plan kills me!

My second stim check

Well things are getting better (I think). My left ovary caught up with my first and I have a 10 and 7mm "and a bunch of little ones" and on my right I have a 10, 9, 7 and 6mm. My E2 jumped to a respectable 382! So I think I am progressing nicely. It sounds a lot more impressive anyway compared to the dinky 42 I had on Monday.

So more stims. More lupron and another stim check on Saturday!

It occurred to me today that Monday is Labor Day (yeah no going away for me, so why would I remember it?) and I will be out of stims by that night. So I have to figure out Saturday if I should order more so I have them on time for Tuesday. I really hope I trigger by Monday. That will save me from spending another grand on meds AND from the dilemma of what to do if Scott can't get off Thursday from work. Yes Scott's boss is an ass and needs to take Thursday off, God only knows why, so with it only being them in the dpartment Scott needs to be there. Yep, thanks for being a nice understanding - dick head!

First stim check today.

Well I am moving - a lot slower then I assumed considering my IUI cycles would be close to over at this point. But I guess the added Lupron is helping my body not bug out from all the stims. So on my right side I have an 8mm, 7mm and 6mm and on my left a 5mm. She said she saw a few smaller ones as well on both sides. E2 level is only a 48....

But of course because of my slow growth, that means I will need more meds after all, adding to the grand total of the med bill and bringing it up over $2000. Thank god my insurance covers half - too bad it doesn't cover all.

My next stim check is on Thursday, I am hoping to see more substantial follies then so I feel as though I am going somewhere.

In other news, I was informed that I need to attend a conference in Vegas come November. This could not have come at a worse time. I tried to get out of it, but everytime I do my boss says I am the only one qualified to attend. I just hope this is all over with by then. Not only could this trip get in the way of another IVF cycle (if needed) but Vegas is the DEVIL! There is nothing worse then to stick a person with ZERO money in a gamblers paridise, espescially if that person loves to gamble. So I will spend 8 hours in classes, and then have to lock myself in my room for the remainder of the night to avoid temptation. No Vegas shows, no nice restaraunts... no money! Ick.

Started stims yesterday...

So in about a week I should be on my way to ER and ET. I am filled with a million different emotions at this point. One second I am scared that my follies will not grow or I am mixing meds wrong. The next second I am daydreaming of what the nursery will look like or how excited I will be to see the pictures of my little embies before transfer. Then back to worried about how I will feel if this all does not work, how we will afford to do another. How patient Scott will be with all of this and how far he really wants to go.

We had a conversation the other night about how he will not be as devistated as me if this doesn't work. He can picture a child free life style... I on the other hand, am not wanting that at all. Would I be happy with that? I am sure there are aspects of it that I would enjoy. Sleeping late on weekends, coming and going as I please, traveling where and when we want... But 30 years from now will I look back with sorrow?

I want a daughter. To see her grow, to do her hair. To watch her going to her prom, getting married, having a child of her own. I want a son to watch him grow, to play catch. To see his first date or teach him to drive a car.

All that would be missing if this doesn't work and all I would have is a picture of two - four - six -eight embies. No I am not ready for a child free lifestyle at all!!!

So, stims please work. Body please work. Let these babies grow for 9 months nice and strong in my body. I love them already!!!

Moving right along...

I stopped BCP on Sunday night. Yesterday I got AF and it was THE worst AF ever. The cramps were something I have not felt since I think I was 16 and all that pain to really not have much of a period. Seriously, you would think I would be gushing, but I already think she is gone. It was that light.
But on to my supression check tomorrow morning. If everything is looking good I start stims tomorrow. *Insert deep breath here*

"Love can conqueor all"

Shouldn't that be money? Does Angelina really love Brad so much more then I love Scott for her to be able to adopt several children or have IVF? Does Madonna love herself more then I love Scott for her to be able to take over some African nation and have a school full of children if she wanted to? Not to mention the hundreds of other Hollywood starlets who "turn up" pregnant after the age of 40.

It is so frustrating to know that we basically have only a few shots at this before the well runs dry and we can no longer afford treatment. Hopefully, I won't need those few tries but it scares me to know the only reason why I may not be a mother comes down to money. It is unfair!

Sisters

My TTTC Sister who was testing positive all week got a negative on Wednesday, the day before her beta. I and the rest of the nest had our fingers crossed all day hoping she would report good news, and that BFN would turn out to be a fluke. It was negative.

My heart breaks for her. It is such a roller coaster ride. I can only imagine what she is feeling right now! How cruel is this world to give hope where there is almost none, only to take it away again. She had gone through enough already, she didn't need that!

I also am amazed how these women on the Nest, whom I never met face to face or talk to in anything more then a typed word, have impacted my life so greatly. They are so strong and supportive and amazing! I am lucky to have found this board and I am lucky for the friends I have made. We are all sisters on this cruel journey. Sisters who do not want to be connected in such a way.

I spent the day with my nephews yesterday. It is so fun to hang out with them now. (Plus the day flew by, bringing me one step closer to this IVF) They have grown into little men and have so many questions and are so interested in the world. Connor never stops talking. Sean is the quiet and shy one, but he takes in everything his brother has to say and takes mental notes.



It is so hard to get them both in a picture... but I tried! One is usually going one way, while the other is in the opposite directions.


They are my sisters IUI miracles. She got a BFP on her second IUI with clomid.

It is so amazing how from day one these two little guys interacted with each other, for a little while they didn't acknowledge one another. Now they love playing together and fighting with each other.

This makes me secretly hope for twins of my own. Not only because they will always have a built in friend, but because my ideal family will be done in one shot. I am not entirely sure if we would go through IVF again for a second child. If we had any frozen embryos we most likely would do a FET, but with everything IF related the finances trump the want!

Of course, this IVF has to work and I would take one over none any day of the week!

I always feel as though when ever I think about a preference, whether it be a boy/girl or one/two or anything, I need to clarify as not to create some type of hex on the greedy.

1st Lupron shot today.

It got here a lot faster then I imagined. It seems like only yesterday I started BCP. Ten more days to go until I go in for my baseline to check if I am suppressed enough to begin stims! I can only hope these 10 days go just as fast!

Scott did the shot - he has become quite the shot pro in these last few months! I can not do it myself. I freak even if I look at him going to jab me! So I shut my eyes and he does it! Done. A little welt formed and it itched for a few minutes, but according to the nesties, this has happened from time to time with them. I am not overly concerned since the itch and welt are now gone.

On a happy note: My T-TTC sister Morgan got a PREGNANT on her HPT. Her beta is not until tomorrow, but I am so excited for her! If you are reading this - I am throwing you all kinds of wicked awesome beta dust for tomorrow!

Our house

So in my last post I told everyone about my fixer upper. When we bought the house I was so happy to be able to transform this house into what we wanted. We did pretty much 80% of the work ourselves. With help from Scott's friend Derek (a carpenter) and his brother Glen (an electrician). Here is some pics of our kitchen. It came a long way...

Sadly, I didn't take many before pictures, it didn't occur to me until our kitchen was almost all gutted out.


Kitchen before (picture the pink all through the house):




Kitchen During and After:








And...Of course: Jaxie supervising and making sure the boys are doing a good job!

What brought me to today.

It occured to me that not a lot of people know what brought me here. I have been on the T-TTC board of The Nest since it's conception over a year ago, before then I lingered on BOTB as resident expert, to guide the noobs whom as soon as the posted with questions about cervical mucus would then announce their BFP - like it was easy. I witnessed more births of noob babies then I would like to count. I think a few people lapped me with #2 as well.

I have been doing this since January of 2003. Although some people would say I was doing this since I got married, we stopped birth control on our honeymoon after all. I would like to say that I don't really count those days, if it worked I would have counted it, but since it didn't why tack on even more months of coming up empty handed? So bare with me, this might get long - hard to jam 5 (okay 6) years of history into just a few paragraphs...

So in January 2003 I logged into the internet and searched TTC. What came up was info about charting, OPKs, cervical mucus, handy little calenders. Wow so much stuff I never even knew about. The art of making a baby was actually studied. People didn't just have sex and get pregnant? Maybe I was doing it wrong these last few months???

So the first thing I tried was the calendar thing. I plugged in my cycle length and got the date of when to have sex. Pretty easy right? So I made sure to seduce Scott on those nights. 1-2-3 months pass, nothing. Hmm okay how about that chart thing. I join http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ I start temping, but I don't want Scott to know I had become obsessed so get out of bed in the morning go to the bathroom and then temp. Until my chart showed no clear ovulation signs from doing it wrong for three months... Then I read the instructions - oh. Hmm, maybe it is time to tell Scott I am obsessed. So then we attempt to do it the right way for the next 6 months. I get a clear shift, cd 12 - sometimes cycle day 14, sometimes cd 10? CD 10??? The calender never told me to have sex on cd 10! I was timing it way to late for those few months. That's it - that is why I am not getting pregnant! EUREKA! So we start having sex on cd8 and keep going until cd 16... surely 7 nights of sex in a row would work? Nope...

That brings us close to 2004. We get the call from Scott's dad - he is selling the apartment building. You see, we had a cozy little deal, Scott's dad owned a 15 unit building. We lived there rent free in exchange for maintaining it. We got to save money to buy a house eventually and his dad didn't have to worry about the building. Cool deal! Until it ended sooner then we would have liked it to.

So we need to look for a house. In a very HCOL area with only about 20k down... hmm. Should we go condo? Scotts dad says no, condos are not a good investment in an area that is jam packed with condos. Look for single family. We do, to discover we will never find a home we could afford. Then we decide fixer upper is the way to go. So we look and look until we find a home, which over all have great structure although the insides were from the 50's with pepto bismol walls. We buy it! And we do about 6 months of renovations. I stop charting, we stop timing sex and we concentrate on remodeling our home.

That brings us to the end of 2005 and starting up the baby making process again. I try for 6 more month and throw OPKs in the mix. Then make an appointment with my Dr. in 2006. The Dr discovers I have hypothyroidism... and I get an irregular PAP. So I go on meds to regulate my thyroid. I also end up having a coloscopy and then a LEEP - no sex for 3 months to heal. After the 3 months my thyroid is still wacked and we keep upping meds until something takes. Finally at the start of 2007 we found the dose. I decide to try on my own again. I would give it 6 months and if still nothing we would break down and see an RE.

Six months past, bringing me to November of 2007 and a call to an RE. More tests and the "unexplained" diagnosis. My Dr. wants to be agressive since I am 36 and we head straight to IUI with injectable. We would do three and then move onto IVF before I turn 37....

My 37th birthday is in November, I have blown out so many candles and made the wish for a baby. I really am hoping that this November the wish will be that the baby in my belly will grow nice and strong!

Yep babies are the buzz at blogger...

Nothing like logging in to poor your heart out about the struggles of infertility to see this smack in your face.

Blogger Babies
August 4, 2008 — permalink
Babies are all the buzz at Blogger. Within the last few months we've had three new additions to the Blogger Team: Ryan, Aditya, and Haley. Although it'll probably be a few years before they start sounding off themselves, we get to post some cute pics of them now.

It is not just here, but everywhere. The nest has "baby bump contests", random web sites have pictures of newborns, toddlers, pregnant bellies. Various Hollywood couples, and single teenagers turning up pregnant. You name it everywhere I turn there it is.

Even at the REs office on the elevator ride up, you get stuck next to a 8 month pregnant women. Lucky enough to get off on the 4th floor, while I continue the lonely ride up the next 6 flights. Everyone it seems looking at the directory wondering what is on the 10th floor. Sometimes I am lucky enough to share that elevator ride with another women. After the 9th floor, when the two of us remain, there seems to be this silent comradiery that goes on. I have never spoken to one of these women, I just don't know what to say. But I am so glad I am not alone.

And then there were needles...

My meds arrived today. 4 lbs of NEEDLES. I pulled out a bag of pescription bottles. About 4 boxes of meds. Alcohol wipes, gauze pads and needles. About 4 HUGE bags of needles. In all shapes and sizes. Half inch, Two inch and every size inbetween.

Talk about over whelming! I would post a picture of them, but in all honesty I have looked at pics of IVF meds before and it never seems as overwhelming as people discribed. I guess not until that UPS guy rings your bell and you open that box yourself do you realize - HOLY CRAP, that is a lot of stuff.

I got advice from a nestie to put everything I need for each day into a little baggy. That way I can just take what I need from the fridge and go. It probably will break down everything a bit better in my mind. Because, for some strange reason, it seems easier to imagine without looking at all the meds and different color needles all crammed together.

So that's it. I am already to go until next wednesday when the shots begin! Maybe I can take a little mental break from now until then - doubt it!

Sticker shock!

I just ordered the meds and the bill came to $2101. for everything... ouch! That is a mortgage payment. My insurance only covered 50% - I am lucky I have insurance, but I went to full coverage to having self paid insurance, so this still is a shock to me.

The pharmacy even called to make sure it was right - the last time I was on Gonal F I had a $15 co pay. This time not as lucky. So she asked if I wanted to just order 7 days worth and then call when I was running out to order more if needed. I jumped at that chance (who wants to throw out $100's of dollars of meds you don't need). So that brought the total to $1601... There goes dinner out for a while and I will have to make my own nachos at home!

I have my protocol!!!

Thanks to the ladies over on The Nest who helped me figure out which protocol it was... The Long Lupron protocol. I went blank after my nurse told me est egg retrieval (ER) date, that all I could say was "okay thank you" about 20 times before getting off the phone with her so did not ask her what the protocol name was.

So here it is... I will start Lupron, one shot of 10 units every morning starting August 13th. Then I will stop BCP on the 17th after that I will have an ultrasound (u/s) on August 22nd and if I am supressed enough I will begin my stims (300 units of Gonal F and 150 units of repronex) that night. Estimated egg ER will be September 4th and transfer (ET) will be either 3 or 5 days after that.

A couple of things make these dates exciting for me. First I start stims on my bff birthday. Next is the ER date. Both my grandparents and my mothers dog passed away the first week of September (different years). It will be about time something good happens on that week!

I am really excited about starting this journey! My meds should arrive tomorrow!

Also, to update you on my nacho search. The 99 changed their menu... no nachos! Instead I got fish and chips and whined! So we will have to go to Applebees next week - I checked online and they have nachos on the menu, so unless they are cruel and change their menu by next week, I hopefully will finally get my nachos!

NACHOS - I want nachos!!!

I went to the Red Sox game yesterday, and we got the Budweiser party seats. As it did the last time we got to sit up there, there was a thunder storm and we had to evacuate the roof since it is high up and all metal. The good thing is, it was a short storm and the game got underway after about an hour delay and the Sox won!!!
The bad thing - I have been on the search for about two weeks for the perfect nachos.


Nachos with beans and chili and cheese and sour cream and olives and tomatoes and jalapenos, gaucamoli - I could live without, but if it is one there - bring it on!! That is the perfect nacho - no substitute will do, it has to have ALL of those ingredients.
















So I went to a game while we were in Anehiem. People kept walking by us with those nachos, the nachos pictured! My mouth watered every time someone would walk by. At around the 5th inning, I could not take it any - I needed those nachos!!

I got up I went to the food stand where there were two types of nachos listed - I ordered the most expencive one thinking that was Nacho Nirvana... nope! I was handed nachos with two containers of cheese, rather then one.... for about $12 *POUT* So I go back and eat my nachos - not the same.


Yesterday, at the game I read the menu. NACHOS with CHILI! I order it all happy that finally I can end this! And this is what I got... minus the chili. BECAUSE THEY RAN OUT OF CHILI!!!!



So tonight Scott is taking me to the 99, because we all know that the 99 has the best nachos ever and then I can finally end the nacho obsession!

Can you just imagine how I will be when I do get pregnant!

Patience

Patience is definatly not a strong suit of mine. Never has been. So maybe this is my life lesson on dealing with patience? I have only been on BCP for three days and can not wait to start stimming and at least know how everything is moving on. I know most people say that once you start BCP, the time flies by but looking at the 19 pills left to take makes me doubt other wise!

Maybe it is because I am bored today? I am doing laundry and cleaning my house and H is over his parents. So in between I am looking for things to do to kill hours and I am having a hard time finding things so revert to the good old stand by of reading over IVF stuff. Yes I am obsessed, but I feel as though if I do not know everything possible thing going into this, that somehow it will stack up against me in the end.

Yep I am a control freak too!

Isn't it ironic - don't ya think?

So I took my first BCP last night. I was actually nervous to take it. I had never been on BCP before. Ever. That's right, you heard correctly, this 36 year old never once was on the pill. I never wanted to add hormones to my body. I thought some how it was bad for me. Like when I wanted too I would not get pregnant HA HA. Ironic that I need them to get pregnant huh? So I relied on condoms and the good old pull and pray with serious boyfriends... I guess I didn't need to pray that hard?

Anyway, I digress... I was nervous and expecting to feel sick or something , but I felt nothing. I feel pretty silly for worrying about it too. Granted it was only my first pill and who knows what the coming week will bring, but so far so good.

My IVF nurse didn't call with my plan either. I kept checking my cell phone at work to see if I had a message, but nothing was on there. So I guess I have to wait until Monday to call her. I am really curious how long I will be on BCP and lupron so I can estimate an egg retrieval date. Guess it can wait a couple more days.

I have a busy weekend so I should be able to keep my mind off of it for a few minutes at least. We go to the Red Sox game Sunday and tomorrow I have lots of laundry and house cleaning to do. Can you believe I slacked and took the week off of cleaning after the vacation? I can't, but it catches up to you and now I have to make up for it tomorrow. At least it is supposed to rain, so that will get me motivated.