Signs. Signs. Everywhere are signs.

Do you believe in signs? I am not 100% sure I do. I mean, through the years, I have had them before and obviously since I am writing a blog about adventures in the world of IVF those signs never panned out, but still I look and I wonder... maybe this time they DO mean something? I sure hope that they do anyway.

First, is somewhat silly. My horoscope and tarot card thing I have on face book. Each day they both tell me that change is about to happen, that fights will be won. Yesterday, it had something about some medical thing involving children. How dead on could horoscopes be?

Next. Ever since I could remember I have wanted a Christmas baby. I am not sure why exactly. How stressful to be a new mother right around the holidays? But how exciting to have that gift waiting for me "under the tree". Well I thought my chances of that were out when I first started this cycle. If I calculated my EDD with my regular cycle, all I could hope for was an early January baby. That all changed with the early arrival of AF though... now calculating I will have an EDD of December 27th! Of course, I am calculating using the first possible day of egg retrieval, and a number of things such as an early delivery could hamper the Christmas baby. But I am excited by the possibility.

Now, pushing the sign thing way over board... My birthday is November 8th. Scott's birthday is January 19th... Add 8 and 19 together and what do you have...27! See, told you I was pushing it!

So I would like to believe that everything is going my way and nothing could prevent this from working, except history of it not working. Which is a huge factor. But all I have to rely on now is hope and faith and medical miracles. Adding up signs is all I can do at this point. I think it keeps me from having a nervous breakdown? Somewhat.

I'm not sure I am ready for this

With all other cycles, I was prepared, maybe even over prepared for everything. I would arrange all my meds in little plastic baggies with the days marked on them and when I got down to 2 days left I would write "order more" on that days bag as soon as the big box of meds came to my door. I would count ahead the days until BCP ended and knew what day I would be going in for my first and even second u/s. I would schedule a "date night" with Scott the night before stims so we could have some great food and wine.

This time, when my big old box of meds came in, I had so much going on with Scott's dad I just took everything that needed refridgeration out and kept everything else to the side. After all I still had two plus weeks for things to calm down. Who knew that Aunt Flow decided to mess with my neat and orderly way of life and come knocking on my door four days early. What is she thinking? She should know I do not like to be caught off guard for anything.

So now I am a week ahead of schedule. I had to do my baggies this morning and as I was doing them the realization came over me that this is it! For quite some time at least, until we can figure out our finances. Could the timing not be more wrong? Scott's dad is awake and alert, quite a turn around from a couple of days ago, but he can not talk, walk or anything else. They have the breathing tube in his throat and he appears to not be struggling as much as when he was just on oxygen alone. But he is far from out of the woods. Scott and his family need to arrange for his transfer to a rehabilitation hospital and to hopefully get his lungs strong enough to be able to breath on his own. I pray every day when the phone rings that it is not because something with his dad went wrong.

I have asked Scott a few times if he was ready for this IVF cycle and he said that he needs to continue on with as much normalsy in his life as possible and sadly going to doctors and shooting up is normal in my household. So that is what we will do, and hope that God has room for one prayer from us.

I now circled the calander, the week of April 6th. Time to call my boss and arrange for last minute time off. Deep breathe and a prayer.

IVF Cycle # 3 starts tomorrow! eek!

My period arrived today, about 4 days early on cd24. I am so glad I had off of work, because I was not prepared for her arrive at all this afternoon! I went to the bathroom and had to look twice at what was going on - cd24?

So I call my nurse to report to her that it was cycle day 24, I mean cd1 and she told me she would have to check with the doctor to see if I should start stims tomorrow. About 4 hours later, she called. Stims will be starting, a week earlier then I thought. She also told me that occasionally estrace will make AF arrive a few days earlier.

So this is it. I am a week ahead of schedule. If I stim like I normally do, for 8-9 days I should have ER and ET by the 2nd week of April. Holy crap! I am so unbelievably nervous. This is it!

Scott's dad

It seems just when good news comes in, that bad news follows. Scott's dad had a good day the other day. His oxygen level was up, he was not agitated like he had been. Scott really thought it was a good sign. Then he went to the hospital the following day.

The doctor called them all in a room when he knew the whole family was there. His dad, it appears, may have suffered brain damage. They had weened him off of the morphine. He is sitting up with his eyes open, but is unresponsive to any commands. The nurse though he might have squeezed her hand but she was not sure. He does not shake his head or blink his eyes or anything else when asked.

The doctor also told them, that with his stage of chronic emphasima (sp) that even if he was responsive he would never be able to make it through heart surgery. Basically a heart attack waiting to happen.

He said that they needed to decide what to do. The choices were to refuse ressatation or to intubate him and transfer him to a rehabilitation hospital. If he did suffer brain damage, he may be able to get some functions back but would never be the same as he was before going into the hospital.

So my husband, his brothers and mother now have to make a decision no one should be forced to make. They are scouring FIL office in hopes that he may have a living will. Hopefully he does. I am not sure a person can make this kind of decision and not feel guilt either way. No son should be forced to watch his father suffer or end his suffering. Life is cruel.

Life without a computer

You don't really realize how much you rely on a keyboard and monitor until one morning you wake up and can not get it to turn on. I nearly cried on Sunday when it was gone. Monday, I watch John and Kate Plus eight for about 5 hours... walked my dog...cried a little out of boredom and did laundry. No Facebook, no Nest, no word games or reading others blogs... "What!!! It won't be fixed until Tuesday?" umm what do I do with another day. Watch Soaps. Clean the kitchen and bathroom. Look at my dog wondering why she is not sleeping on her computer room pillow.

Last night, Scott brought back my baby plugged it in and here I am again!! All my files are gone, we lost some pictures. But I at least am back to my daily routine and I really do not miss Port Charles one bit!

Some updates - Scott's dad is still in ICU. He has good days and bad. Yesterday was a good one, so we will stick with that for now. His oxegyn levels were normal. His blood presure stable. We just have to pray that each day stays like that and he starts to get stronger.

I started the estrogen. No side effects from that, thank goodness. I do have a cold, but am greatful it happened now rather then when I am stimming or after transfer. I do not need one more thing to blame if things don't turn out how they are supposed to. So I wait for the glorious sight of Aunt Flow, yes I did say glorious! This will be the last AF I have for nine plus months after all!

Things are looking up!

Although Scott's dad still is in the medicated sleep, and will be over the weekend, he is showing signs of improvement. His blood pressure has dropped back down to normal levels and his lungs are starting to clear some of the fluid from the infection (pneumonia). So the meds are working and doing their job!

Scott was in better spirits last night. It is good to see. He said it is scary to see the breathing machine doing all the work, but his dad looked more comfortable when he saw him yesterday. So comfortable that Scott wants to go to the wedding with me. My friend of 20 plus years is getting married tonight and when this all went down we agreed that if his dad was still in rough shape that I would go stag. I am happy that he will be attending with me. Hopefully he will be able to have a good time and forget about things for a nano second!

He also saw the big ole box of meds and asked when I would be starting. So we are a go for that as well! I continue to pray that everything keeps improving. A little better everyday!

My meds are here.

It is hard to be excited about the start of this cycle with everything that is going on around us. Should we delay? Is it selfish of me to continue on with life as it is while Scott's dad is so sick? I am still in the prep stages of IVF. I have to take estrace for at least a week while I wait for AF to arrive. Then I will have another 2 weeks, just about, of stims. You would think and only hope that Scott's dad will be out of the woods by then. Also, there is nothing for me to do. All I can do is continue to pray everything will be okay. Hug Scott each night and listen to his worries.
I remember a few weeks ago Scott's dad had one of his neices babies in his arms and he looked so happy, that is what I hope for my grandchildren and for him. I want to give him a grandchild.

A delay would not only mean another month of waiting. It would also mean I would have to repeat some testing since it has been a year since I had a hysterscopy. A requirement I need for insurance to cover their half. I rather not go through that if I could avoid it.

I am just hoping Scott's dad can clear the infection and have a successful surgery by Tuesday, my estrace start date, so all this is a none issue!

Prayers are going out for Scott's dad

We got a call Monday night at about 3:30 am that Scott's dad was being rushed to the hospital. He was having trouble breathing and all Scott could think about was that it was due to the med change his dad had on Wednesday, his dad has suffered for years with COPD. He figured his dad would get to the hospital and be placed on oxygen and then everything would be alright once he was stabilized.

Scott kept in contact with his mother, who has broken English and I am sure was a nervous wreck. Word was going back and forth all morning long. Scott went to work and was reporting back to me when he heard something new. At about 10:30am I had heard his dad was in a coma. It was shocking news and I was so fearful. Scott was going to head to the hospital at lunch since his dad was still not stabilized and could not have visitors until after 11am.

When he got there it was discovered that his father suffered a heart attack and more tests needed to be preformed. He was placed in a "medicated sleep" as to not cause further trauma to his heart. He also has pneumonia and an infection. Through testing it was decided that he would need a triple bi-pass, but nothing could be done until the infection cleared. Three to four days. He will remain in a medicated sleep until then.

I feel so helpless. Scott is panicked. His aunt just passed away a month ago at 61 years of age. His grandparents both died young as well. His dad who has been sick for years, is now lying in a bed with tubes and beeps and burps. I can only imagine how scary it is.

I have no idea what to do or say. My first instinct is to tell him it will be okay, but that seems like empty words. I can not predict the future. Only hope that things WILL be okay. I love him so much and want to erase all the hurt and pain he is going though. I can't though. All I can do is sit here and hope and pray.

The witches tale

About five years ago a woman came into my work. She is an older woman, about 65. She was doing this thing with necklaces to all the women around. They would make a wish, hold out the palm of their hand and if the necklace moved back and forth they would have a boy. In circles, a girl... "Oh, do me" I said, excitedly because at the time we had only been trying for a short time although no one knew (funny how short to me is a year) .

I wished with all my might. Held my palm out and she did her thing... "Hmm" she said. "You are not going to have children" I looked at her and said "Yes I am" and got the reply "Nope, I have done this thousands of times and have never been wrong, you will not have children"

I remember going home devastated and telling Scott all about it, he of course said how silly all that stuff is. He assured me that a person can move your hand any which way and get the response you want. Then he did it with my necklace and moved it back and forth and said "See, we will have a boy!"

Five years later and you know the story.

The reason I bring it up now is that I see this woman at least once a year. Last night was the once of this year. Each time I see her the pain of her witches tale gets brought back. Like she almost is reactivating some hex she has placed on me. I went home last night and told Scott I saw her. He didn't remember the story and I reminded him... I told him I wanted to find someplace that removed hexes. I am somewhat serious. Maybe I should head into Salem one day before the retrieval takes place, just in case.

I would like not to give power to this woman, a woman who does not particularly like me or my family. I would like to just forget it and move on. But as of this point, her tale is true. I can not wait until the day I get to go up to her and say she is wrong. I hope that day is soon.

Am I really a junky?

Besides shooting up nightly in bathrooms at the bar I work at I get a little tingle when I hear from the pharmacy that the drugs are on their way. Not to mention the mad dash for the door once the drug dealer er umm UPS guy rings the bell. Date circled on the calender my stash will be here next week.

Of course along with my "habit" comes a nice hefty credit card bill a few weeks later. According to my RE Braville is cheaper then Gonal F. So why was the total almost 1k more then I paid last time? I need one more vial a night of Braville. Ovidrel is more expencive the Noverell. Oh the progesterone suppositories I was so thrilled to take over PIO is not covered by insurance, but the PIO was last time. Great. So now I am left with the dilema of paying to not shoot up or to say "hello sore and bruised butt" for two weeks.

So I have to call the RE tomorrow and see if he will let me do Noverell over Ovidrel. Still debating the PIO though. Not that is was horrible, not until the last couple of days of having to take shots when I knew the outcome was negative. But the inconvenience of finding a time right for Scott and I to do the shot. Before I go to work, after he gets home from work and goes to the gym. Night after night after night. I was looking forward to a two week wait without shots. But is $269 worth convenience? That is a flight to California! Ugg.

I guess I will pull down my big girl panties and suck up the shots. Ugg.

Finally!

With one week left I got the call from insurance today. It is a go! Talk about bringing it down to the wire!

When I got off the phone my stomach dropped and did a loop de loo. This is it, my final shot. When I was waiting for approval, it didn't seem real. Now it is. I am praying to who ever will listen. Please let this work PLEASE!

I am sure I will be a freak the next few weeks. I can already feel it.

It is getting closer.

Although I still have not heard from insurance, I am pretty confident I should hear something by next week. I plan on calling the financial coordinator Monday to see if she can do anything on her end. AF has since come and gone and now I have a date for when everything will start. I will take Estrace 2x a day starting on March 24th. Once AF starts, I will then start stims the following Saturday. So roughly the first week of April with ER most likely the following week.

I am nervous. I keep second guessing the decision to grow the embryos out for a 5 day transfer. What if placing them back in is the better thing for them? What if I have nothing on day 5? I am so afraid of that phone call. I am so afraid of not knowing what will happen or if this will actually work. I try to remain positive, I try to wish with all my might that good things are about to come, but so many times that positive thinking just destroys me in the end.

So what if?

I kill myself with overthinking, to the point of giving myself a headache. Scott is completely oppisite of me and will not even discuss anything past this cycle, so I could not even plan if I wanted to - the other half of the plan is not giving much input other then "Don't look past this one". He has a point and I know he does, but planning is what I do.

Of course at this point I have images of Aruba flashing through my mind. A nice warm sunny beach, just the two of us and me with a baby bump relaxing on the sand. That is the plan I want to make, that is plan I am wishing to put into action in May!

Insurance update

I just got off the phone with insurance. They claim they did not receive the request until yesterday?!? So it took them two plus weeks just to receive the request and it will take "about a week" for them to push it through. So much for two weeks turn around time. I am not overly concerned. I don't need any drugs until cd21 and it is not even cd1 yet. So there is time as long as their "one week" is really one week.

In other news is the economy. We are both concerned about it. Fortunately, my job is not much effected by it. I work at a bar and the more people have problems, the more they come see me (sad but true). Scott on the other hand works at a car dealership. A GM brand car no less. He already took a 10% pay cut about six months ago. A few months before that they took away his good insurance and replaced it with crap. There is not much lower they can go before they start laying off or closing the dealership all together. Every day he worries that his last day will be today. All I can do is reassure him that we will get through what ever happens and pray that nothing does. That's all we can do at this point.

What will come first, the chicken or the egg?

Ho Hum. AF is still not here. Since starting injectables, I have the most unpredictable cycles. For the past 20 some odd years, I would wake up on the 26th day and an hour later aunt flow would be there to great me. Now, 26 days comes and goes and I wait. The last few cycles I was on a 28 day schedule. Well day 28 is here and she is no where in sight (I am kind of hoping that Murphy's Law will take over now and she will now come, since I put it on paper)... Umm no.

Then I woke up and called my insurance. I still have not gotten the pre-approval letter. So, rather then run to the door for the next few days when the mailman comes, I thought I would just call them to see how it was coming along. "Do to a high number of calls, we are sorry but can not take your call right now". Hmm. It did snow a ton today, so I am sure half of Massachusetts decided to stay home to dig themselves out. But I want my approval! I just want one small little thing to show me I am moving forward.

Will it be in the mail... rain, sleet, snow will not keep a mailman away right? I don't think my mailman heard that saying and is probably in Dunkin Donuts right now killing his shift.

So the wait continues. Anyone want to take bets on what will arrive first AF or approval letter?