2009 hasn't started off that great after all

I had so much hope that 2009 would be different then 2008, 2007, 2006 and every year since 2003. But it is not. I am starring at another failed cycle.

I prayed for the past two days that the HPT I took on Thursday was wrong. All last night before finally falling asleep I asked God to give me my miracle. I woke at 7am to get ready to go for my blood test and I took one final HPT to see that single line again. Normally I would examine it closely and at every angle to see if there was a line. This morning it just took me a second to notice nothing there. I chucked it in the trash and then went for my blood draw.

The whole drive in I wondered if the 99% accuracy of the test could be wrong. Maybe I bought the least sensative test on the market? Maybe something went wrong? I parked my car in the lot and accepted it for what it is. Another failed cycle.

On the way up the elevator the soul person who was in there with me got off on the 9th floor. She turned to me with a gentle smile and said "Have a good day" Was she the person who would turn my day around with her smile? Could she make one line double in a matter of hours? Was she my angel that God had sent to tell me everything would be okay? Was she a woman fighting cancer to ground me and tell me my life could be worse?

I sat in the waiting room dreading the blood draw. One last needle prick to end a month long journey to get me right back where I started. The woman drawing blood wished me good luck as I was leaving... I need more then luck I thought, and then I took the long elevator ride down to the lobby. I handed the woman my parking ticket and she told me it was free of charge... Usually it costs $7 for these appointments. Was that my luck turning?

Then I drove home, plugged in my phone so I would not miss the "I am sorry but unfortunatly it did not work this time" voice mail I will be recieving. I have not cried. Although I can feel the tears welling. I have been angry for days although I have not screamed. It is over. The month of January is over and I am numb.

This is not how January was supposed to end.

Pee on a stick results

Are Negative. I tested Thursday morning. Not with first morning urine and I used an Answer brand test. Negative.

At first I was angry. Why - why can I never see two lines. Why is it that God grants a woman with 6 kids, 8 more babies and He can not grant me just one? Wouldn't even distribution of all the world's children be a better deal then giving some women 14 and some none?

After the anger wore off I was sad. I cried myself to sleep last night.

Now this morning I am in denial. Answer brand according to peeonastick.com is not very sensitive. It was second morning urine, maybe it was too diluted? Maybe it was just too soon to get a positive?

I resisted the urge to test again this morning. I do not want to go through the same roller coaster of emotions again. I guess I need to just wait for Beta tomorrow to have a clear cut answer that I can not reason away. I doubt it will be positive, I am just not that lucky. But maybe those pee sticks don't work after all. My husband told me "They (meaning the nurses) told you not to test for a reason" Maybe a miracle positive beta is the reason???

Tomorrow will tell.

Should I or should I not?

I bought an HPT today. Now I am thinking I am crazy because I am actually afraid to use it.

A HUGE part of me is telling me I am not pregnant and I am prepared to see 1 line. Then there is the glimmer of hope side that needs to see 2 lines and will be devastated if it there isn't.

I am also afraid to get the call from beta without knowing because I do not want to break down on the phone and I want to be prepared. Plus I am working this weekend and really if I have to cry it is better that I cry now. Calls from beta come in at about 3pm, I have to leave for work at 4...that would leave me 1 hour to be devestated and then put on my make up and a smiley face and deal with the public.

But if I did test now and got a BFN that would mean I would need 3 nights of PIO for nothing - just pain and to delay my period for a few more days. That would kill me as well - it did last time.

I just don't know what to do. Continue to live in this safe little world called Maybe or bite the bullet and know? BTW I am 11dp3dt today, so what ever the test says it should be pretty accurate.

5 days to go

Since today is half over I will not count it. The waiting sucks, as we all know all too well. I am spending the day doing our taxes to try to get my mind off this for half a minute. Since I am here updating my blog, you can tell that is not really working. Taxes can wait. I need to know now!

I am trying not to read into symptoms this time. Last time I was all too hopeful that peeing 100 times a day and eating everything in sight was a sure sign of two lines. And it was not, just the progesterone and estrodoil at work. So this time around I am trying to take it all in stride. That is until I get a flutter, or I get a twinge or I yawn 2 hours after waking up from a 10 hour sleep. Then my mind wanders to what if. What IF this does mean something? But there is never anything that tells me for sure. And for sure is what I will be needing this time. I will not get my hopes up. I can't!

I spotted briefly on Saturday. Right after I got off the phone with my sister and me telling her I did not think it worked. She gave me a pep talk about how we never know. She didn't think she was until she peed on a stick. She doubted with every fiber of her body. Like I do. So could it be it? The spotting sure got me hopeful. But hope is something I am afraid of right now. Hope is what hurts the most when the dreams are dashed, but yet no matter how I try, I can not stop hoping.

So now all I can do is wake up every day and be a day closer to knowing what fate and hope has in store for me. Can I finally paint this ugly orange room I sit in day in and out? My 6 year temporary office that we never touched when we moved here. Because temporary was just that. Eventually we would be painting it some beautiful baby color. Is eventually finally here?

All I can do it hope.

Today is better then yesterday.

I think I have a habit of holding everything in side until given a reason to explode and with the frozen embryo report came the ignition needed to have a bit of a break down. I needed to cry. I needed to let it all out and now I am better.

I still have a glimmer of hope for this cycle. I don't think any of us get through as many months and years as we have with out the hope that is always there. It is just a guarded hope. Through all of this, I asked for signs that this cycle would be different then the last and it has pretty much been day for day to my last IVF. From the yeast infection I am now suffering from, to the lack of cramps after 5dpt. The only difference from this cycle to last is the fact that no eggs made it to freeze. Last time I had 1. So not exactly the change I had hoped for, but maybe it does mean the best contender was placed inside me and is fighting as we speak. A week will tell.

In the mean time, I will gear up for my 3rd and final IVF, just in case. I decided to go to Bos.ton IVF for my final one. So I will need to get my medical records and I do not want to have to delay my final one because of waiting for my records. So I will request a copy and then set up an appointment to speak with a new doctor. Worse that could happen is a cancelled appointment - or best!

One can only hope!

I feel defeated

I got the frozen embryo report in the mail yesterday. I remember being so excited when I saw it in the mail box, that seems like such a distant memory. Ever since I did open it and read that no embryos made it I have been in a huge funk.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of being let down. I have already given up on this cycle. I am doubting that the 2 embryos inside me are still alive. I doubt I will ever be pregnant. I fear that I will never be a mother. Why me why?

I am angry and I am hurt - crushed! Mad - bitter - pissed off at the world, at myself, at my body. At everyone around med who has what I want. At everyone who will eventually get what I want as I sit on the sidelines and wonder, why are they better then me? Why God WHY?

This cycle is exactly like the first

And I don't want it to be. I feel the same things each day as the busted cycle. I try not to obsess, but I can not help it. Everything means something, but nothing at the same time.

Last cycle, what sticks out at me the most is the cramping I had in the middle of the night at about 5dpt. It was so strong and painful, it woke me up from my sleep and I laid there for about twenty minutes in agony until it went away. The same thing happened to me yesterday, 4dpt. I took a nap mid afternoon, when I woke up I was in horrible debilitating pain. I could not get up and I was having hot flashes. It went away after 10 minutes or so and have felt nothing since. The cramping I was having everyday up until that point has not returned. I feel nothing.

When I was cramping at least I knew something was going on. Something. Now I am worried that those horrible cramps were my body fighting off my embryos and it is a sign of the cycle ending in a bust. I want the cramps back, I want something to be different then last time. I want my baby(s).

I am already grieving the BFN because it is happening the same exact way it happened last time. I want a miracle, but miracles do not happen to me. I do not know what I will do it this cycle does not work. I feel so defeated and hopeless. I want to believe, but I am afraid of what pain believing could cause in the end. I am just feeling way to close to how I was feeling last cycle and last cycle was a bust. Why would this cycle be different?

I hate this roller coaster

One second I am optimistic, the next I have no hope at all. I still have 12 days before Beta and it has seems like a lifetime goes by with every minute of every day.

I don't feel anything, as I shouldn't feel anything. But I ask myself why am I not feeling anything. Are my little beans still in there? Are they grabbing on to my lining as I type this? Is my body so messed up that no one wants to stay there for months? How can crack heads stay pregnant? Surely my body who has been taking folic acid and eating leafy greens for years is a much better environment then that? So why can I not get anyone to want to stay?

I look at the pictures of my embryos daily. Like looking at clouds I can see my baby(s) in that image. I keep saying "if you fight for me, I will fight for you". Stay alive little ones - stay alive!

My mom told me the other day of a co worker whose friend just had IVF. As my mother said, she only transfered a 6 cell and 7 cell and is now pregnant with twins. She tells me since I transfered two 8 cells that should be a clear sign it will work. I wish it was that simple and that absolute. But as we all know it is not.

I am also waiting on my freeze report. So at least I can plan the next step if - IF - this didn't work. I would want at least 3 frozen to move onto FET. They mail you the report, so I will not be seeing that until late this week maybe next.

So my life is on hold for the two week wait, as it has been so many times before. Please babies live. Please!

Transfer complete

Yesterday we transfered two 8 cell embryos. My clinic does not use a grading system but the embryologist said they looked "wonderful" and that there was no doubt that at day 3 those were the best of the bunch. She said all the others were doing well, but there were the clear leaders.

My nurse said I should be very proud that the embies looked terrific.

So now on to the long two week wait.

Fert Report

Out of the 11 retrieved, 9 were mature and 8 fertilized naturally. My prayers were answered and I have double the amount I had for IVF #1.

:::deep breath:::

One small victory. On to another, that they all grow and continue to grow strong.

My clinic does not give daily updates, they say that they do not like to look at the embryo's to often to risk ruining their quality. So they look to see if they fertilize, then do not look at them again until CD3. So in turn, I will not know anything until about 2 hours before I am scheduled to arrive for transfer. So all I can do is pray. Send some mojo to my little ones, and hope that at least 6 will grow strong and beautiful. That will be my target number, I don't need all - just some. Enough for freeze and enough for transfer. That is my goal.

I will get a call on Saturday either telling me to come in as planned or to reschedule for Monday. Torture. A lesson in patience. I hate being last minute for anything. Knowing me, I will be awake at 6am showered, dressed and waiting for the phone to ring. Pacing the hall way. Praying for a bump to Monday.

Fingers and every other part of my body is crossed right now. That is all I can do.

Egg Retrieval and now the long wait begins

ER is done. We went in at 8:30 and I waited as Scott produced his sample, then we both sat in the waiting room and waited for what seemed like forever. Finally about an hour later, the ER nurse came out and said they were a bit behind but would come to get me as soon as possible. Of course the first thing that went through my mind was "what if the eggs released on their own" Then I sat and waited some more. Scott reassured me all was right with the world, as much as he could at that point. There was nothing I could do to make them get me in faster, so all I could do was sit and wait. Calmly - not so much.

I eventually got taken into the recovery room where I changed into a hospital gown and waited some more. The intern I love so much, she is just so warm and calming with a smile and a touch of "everything would be okay", came in and started taking my vitals and reading the waiver form. You know the one, we do this every day but you may die, form.

As she was reading through the form, the new nurse I hate came to put in the IV. I couldn't help but notice the doctor looking down at my arm every couple of seconds as the nurse fumbled with the IV. So of course I looked to notice gushing blood everywhere and the nurse saying "oops, I shouldn't have done that, but it is okay now" Umm okay! She cleaned all the blood away, I signed the waiver and the the anesthesiologist came in to give me the antibiotics. It may my whole arm feel like it was burning. Then they walked me into the OR.

The intern held my hand and told me to think of someplace warm and relaxing as that is what I will dream about when under. Then she told me what I was going to smell was a plastic of a beach ball. Which the mask did smell like...

Then I was awake with the ER nurse telling me they got 11 eggs and telling me Scott is on his way in. 11 eggs - twice as much as last time, with one extra thrown in for luck! Lucky 11! I thought I would get 9, but 2 more must have been hiding.

Scott came in and fed me ginger ale and crackers. The nurse gave me some Tylenol with codeine and waited until I was more alert to get me dressed. She then read me the release form and my post OP instructions. We left and came home where I had some soup and slept for a little bit.
I woke up to feel a lot better then I did last time so Scott and I had some dinner and we watched American Idol then went to bed. I loved that it gave me a bit of distraction from wondering what my eggs were doing.

Now that American Idol is over and Scott is back at work, all I can think about is how many fertilized as I sit and write this. I most likely won't know until about 3pm today. I keep praying that at least 8 fertilized and are growing strong. That is what I am hoping for, just double what I had last time since I got double the amount of eggs. Please God, Please!

Triggering tonight!

Sorry I have not updated my blog in a while. I am just *trying* not to focus to heavily on the numbers and take on day at a time. I think too often we compare our E2 and follicle sizes to everyone else, and over think things. I need to have faith in my clinic and trust they know when a good time to trigger is. Which according to them it is with 9-10 measurable follies and an E2 of 1820.

I did have an interesting run in with my RE today. She lectured me on the dangers of caffiene in a cycle. Even though I was drinking decaf. I will not focus on that though, lets just say it put a bad taste in my mouth for this doctor whom I hardly ever saw this past year. She did not come off very professional. It cemented my decision to move on to Boston IVF should this cycle not work.

I am going to try to remain optimistic for this cycle. All I hope for is 8-10 eggs at retrieval. Keep your fingers crossed!

First stim check

Well it went okay I think. I only have 2 measurable by this Doctors standards. A 7mm on the right and a 6mm on the left and then a total of 7 more small. She assured me that it is pretty good for only 3 nights of stims. Although, I am paranoid none the less.
My nurse will call with the E2 levels later today and I most likely will not have another stim check until Friday, Thursday if the E2 is higher then expected.

I am trying to take all this in stride. Trying to not think to much, after all thinking will not change the outcome of what the meds are producing. My head is spinning right now though. I just need some type of sign that this cycle will be different then my last.

A new year

Last night for New Years Eve I attended a party at the club I belong to. My entire family, aunts uncles, parents and sisters all go here as well. It is a social club that has members young and old. Each of us have known each other for years. I also work there, so see these people day in and out so it is like one big family, even if not by blood.

Usually I work these parties. I have been bartending for 10 years. So it is not often I get to enjoy the celebration side of New Year, or the drunk side. I think I made up for it last night. I figured Hey, this only comes once every ten years, plus I start stims Saturday - I might as well live it up! And Live it up I did!

During the party some requested the old Doris Day song, Que Sera, Sera. For those who may not be familiar with it, here are the lyrics:

When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother, 'What will I be?
Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me:
Que sera, sera
what ever will be, will be;
The future's not ours to see.
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
When I grew up and fell in love,
I asked my sweetheart, "What lies ahead,
will we have rainbows
day after day?"
Guess what my sweeheart said:
Que sera, sera
whatever will be, will be
the future's not ours to see.
Que sera, sera
what will be; will be
Now I have children of my own
they ask their mother "What will I be
will I be handsome?
will I be rich?"
I tell them tenderly
Que sera, sera
whatever will be, will be;
the future's not ours to see.
Que sera, sera
what will be, will be

My grandmother used to sing me this song when I was younger. Plus 20 drinks. Plus the lyrics. Equals Krissy crying like a moron in the middle of the dance floor with her mom dancing around her.

I feel the song sums up the new year perfectly for me though. Letting go. Moving on. I have been TTC now for 6 years. That is 2,190 days where I wake up and the first thing I think about is TTC and every minute there after is in somewhat related to that first thought. In the past year alone, I became obsessed with it and have let other things around me just falter. Friendships, my home and even my husband all were put on the back burner.

I am not completely giving up. I still have hope for this coming IVF cycle and we still plan on doing another one after should this one not work. Plus at least one FET with the embryo I have frozen.

But if all that should not work. I am prepared to let go. I realize that I put a limit on what I could handle physically, emotionally and financially and the end is near. I am at peace with the decision.

I have reached the acceptance stage.