The real thing

I went in for the u/s with the big boy machine yesterday. Quite a difference in pictures those things make. While with the one the other night, we could just see a little teeny tiny blob, this one showed my little one nice and big, heart pumping at 168bpm! Nothing like that beautiful sight!

Next, she continues to examine my uterus. I see another sac. Empty. I asked the u/s tech what is was. She says "a part of your uterus". Umm. I have seen my ute quite a few times and that part was never there before, but knowing she could not really diagnose anything, I dropped it and answered all her subsequent questions on if this was a natural pregnancy, how may were transferred, etc. All the time, I was looking at the sac, hoping she just had a bad angle and a little one would appear out of no where. It never did.

When I found out I was pregnant with my little one I felt blessed, still do. After so much I am pregnant and that is what the end goal was. But knowing there was a chance a possibility of two brings up a ton of feelings I had not thought about. I never wanted an only child, I had 3 in my family growing up and loved having sisters to play with. I wanted that for my child. Chances are that will not happen since we will not pursue treatment again. My sister has twins and I love how they interact with each other. Then if this child is a boy, will I wonder if the other was a girl or the other way around?

I feel like I should mourn the loss, but then feel almost guilty doing so. I AM blessed. There are so many woman still hoping for this dream I was now granted. I don't want to just place it in the back of my mind that this doesn't matter though, because it does.

Now for the reason I was bleeding. I have a subchrionic hema.toma. They say it is common in pregnancy. That I should take it easy, no lifting, no running or straining and no sex. The doctor I spoke to was not overly concerned. Of course Dr. Goog.le tells me other wise, and that I am at an increased risk of m/c. I am trying to forget I ever goog.led though and am following Doctor orders and praying that it will go away by the next u/s. I have not bled again, spotting some brown which they said was to be expected, so that is good. All I can do is hope for the best, which leaves me right where I was before the bleeding!