It is funny because after writing my last post listing my few and far in between symptoms I have not had any thing to note of and of course that leads me right into paranoia. Such a funny game this all is.
We try so so hard to see the two lines on a test and then once we do the celebration lasts for a nano-second then off we are being worried that it continues to grow. All we do is worry until we see the heartbeat on a u/s screen. Then after that, stress some more until we again see the heartbeat on a u/s and hear the heartbeat on doppler. Maybe for a minute or two in a day we get reprieve from worry, but most of the time it is worry. And I suspect it continues for 9 months and more after that.
I read the first tri boards and I wish I could fantasize about names, cribs, mommy cars, birthdays, daycare and school. Instead, I sit here and worry why I am not puking or have food aversions or why my boobs are less sore then yesterday. I want with all my might to be excited and to dream, but on the other hand there is huge doubt that someone will take the big eraser and come along and clean this giant chalkboard that is my life. Like being too happy could make that happen sooner then not.
Today I am pregnant. I try telling myself that, believe me I have tried everything to just enjoy the prospective future. BUT there is always a but, at least that is what has happened for 6 plus years. How can I be so positive of this dream being a reality when I have been let down so many times before?
I hope there will be a point where I can let go a little of this fear? Maybe when I get past the second trimester? I hope so, because I do not want to live like this. I really don't! I used to be so optimistic. Suzy Sunshine. I hate being Debby Downer!
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She loves the snow!
About time I changed the title to reflect my IVF success. This is about life with my miracle.
About Us
- Disneylover1971
- My husband and I loved visiting Disney without children. Now that we have a little guy of our very own, it is a whole new world!
My dog Jax
She loves the snow!
IVF #2 Antagonis Protocol
- 12/11/08 Birth Control Starts
- 1/3/09 Due to start stims
- Egg Retrieval - 1/14/09
- 1/31/08 - BFN
IVF # 1 Protocol
- BCP - Started July 31, 2008
- Lupron - Start Aug. 13, 2008
- End BCP - Aug. 17, 2008
- Start Stims - Aug 22, 2008
- Beta - Sept 19, 2008 - BFN
4 comments:
Honey, I'm STILL waiting on that magic moment when I stop going into panic mode every 5 minutes! The worry doesn't go away, it just changes. Unfortunately. I'm 25 weeks today and still terrified to even look at baby items. We bought a stroller/car seat this weekend and I immediately put it in the closet. Not to be touched until necessary! It sucks but we will get through it!!!
I am 32 weeks and still worrying. I already plotted in my sleep what my phone call to the doctor will be today so that I can try to get in sooner. Guess what, I hear it gets even worse when the kids are out!!!!
Thank goodness for your posting. It's me again Julyweds from the nest...and I haven't posted on the TTTC board as I am too nervous. But I've been testing + since Tuesday on IVF#3. First time EVER. Obviously for me it's not yet official at all as my beta is tomorrow but I'm sitting here at work sweating bullets over the lack of symptoms. I was convinced that this cycle was a flop- I cried all day on Monday (and yes, I couldn't stand other women who said the same). So since you're so far ahead in the game this makes me feel better.
I am almost 36 weeks along and i STILL worry...you never stop.
I was like you in the beginning, i was beyond fearful, mostly because i had had a miscarrige in the past. It was devistating and all that came back when i found i was pregnant agian. You feel compelely out of control of whats going on...until that blessed 12 week mark, you are on pins, needles, nails...anything else sharp.
I didnt want to sneeze let alone pick anything up. I was an avid stair person and became an elevator person the very day i found i was pregnant.
I had 6pm evening sickness like clockwork for about the first 11 weeks...then at 11 weeks and one day....nothing, it happened that fast. but it was never 'puke your guts out' sick it was more...been on a boat just long enough to feel seasick..sick.
I actually LOST 12 pounds in my first trimester rather then gained it...and to this day i still do not have hemmroids (thank god)...sometimes you get symptoms, sometimes you dont.
Hang in there hon...its a scary ride...but we are here for you!
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