I decided that I am angry with my 1st RE

I have had a few weeks to think and when I think I get myself in trouble. But what I came up with is that I wasted a year with an RE that really did not do much to get me pregnant.

First my 3 IUIs. I had a horrible response to all but one. One egg matured with my first IUI. We went ahead with it anyway to get a BFN. Then the next IUI she never upped my dose of gonal f, she kept it the same for me to produce a grand total of two follicles. I feel now looking back on it, since I had such a terrible response, why didn't she increase the dose? I was only on 75units. What could have possible happened by giving me 100 or 150 units? I may have developed one or two more follicles.?

Then based on all she knew from the IUIs she should have known the long lupron protocol was not right for me. But she went ahead with it anyway to get a dismal response. Lead the cattle through this very basic routine, like everyone is the same. Don't take into account I am not responding well to meds. Just do what you do for all first time IVFers and hope it works. So 4 procedures where I pissed away thousands of dollars to have nothing to show for it.

Next up. My useless WTF appointment where she told me nothing. I sat there and asked all the right questions to get responses like "I don't have that information in the computer" ?!? What? I just read an update from a girl on the nest who went to the same clinic I did, but had a different doctor. At her WTF the doctor went over all her egg quality. So two different doctors at the same clinic have different information about patients? Did my doctor feel as though the information I could have had was useless? I know it had to be available, what kind of clinic has no embryo quality noted?!

Also, when asked about my frozen embryo and if I should do a FET she leaned me in the completely opposite direction then what this other girls doctor did for her. She never told me their lab had a 90% that rate, I only found that out from the nestie who reported about her WTF. I specifically remember telling her I was concerned it would not thaw and I would like to have at least 2-3 frozen before attemting a FET. "Okay" said my doctor, "we should do another fresh". Lets make all the money we can from this girl since she is here.

I know this is all water under the bridge. I changed clinics. I feel confident that this doctor will be open and honest with me and feel happy about the switch. I feel like this one has the greatest of chances of working! I just feel I wasted time at the old clinic. Time that my AMA with diminished ovarian reserve self should not have wasted. It feels good to get it all out on "paper".

An unexpected gift

I was supposed to attend a baby shower for a distant cousin last week. I sent my regrets along with a gift. Baby showers are not my thing. Baby showers of people I hardly know are definitely not my thing.

My mother and sister attended the shower and was asked by my aunt why I was not there. My mom thought I wouldn't mind her sharing what is going on with me and my failed IVFs and the fact that we are running out of money to continue treatment. Of course I DO mind. I told her I would pick and choose the people I wanted to know when we started this. I also hate being pittied and can picture the woe is me conversation they had about me. But what is done is done.

So yesterday I was at work. My uncle is retired from the same place I work at now. Occasionally he will come in the mornings to have coffee with the guys and kill some time in his day. As I went in, he put on his jacket said hello to me and then handed me a small peice of paper and said "Good luck". He then left the building.

I open the peice of paper and inside it was a check for One thousand dollars. Umm. WOW! Completely caught me off guard, because at the time I did not even know about the above baby shower conversation. Second, I am pretty independent and would never ask someone for help. I just had no idea what to do and why he did this.

So I call my mom. She said my aunt asked if there was anything she could do to help me out when they had the forbidden conversation. My mom joked "Do you have 20k" and then said, just keep her in your thoughts. Next thing you know I have the largest gift anyone has ever handed me in the palm of my hand and am confused as to whether to keep it or not. My mom said, I would not have gotten it if my aunt could not afford it and I should just call her thank her for her generosity and use it for the accumulating bills. I called Scott, told him. He said the money would help a ton and since I never asked for it, it was given to me with love and we should just call and thank them and use it.

Here is the thing though. Guilt. What if this next IVF does not work (which I wish it will)? It is like they are gambling $1000 on red and I have one spin to get it right. Now will I feel quilty about me possibly not having success with their money. It is bad enough not getting it to work with our own money, now I have someone backing me!

So the check sits and waits for a decision. As well as the thank you call... they went to Aruba for the week leaving yesterday. So I guess I have a week to make up my mind. What would you do?

Writing out my wishes

I am not one for horoscopes. I never run to the paper first thing in the morning to see what is in store for me for the day. Entertaining, yes. Something I read when bored. But I must admit that the past few days have struck a cord. I must have a rising sun in my house of change or whatever...

So here was todays:

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your positive thoughts outweigh the negative ones, though just barely. Force yourself to be upbeat. Tilt the scale in your favor by writing out your wishes. Soon that wishful thinking will move from paper to the real world.

So I am writing out my wishes. How easy can that be!

I wish for this next IVF to work. Boy, girl. Twins, triplets (oh my) or singleton. It does not matter to me. I wish to be an expectant mother on Mother's day. I wish for there to be no tears for the rest of 2009. I wish that the next time I look at a home pregnancy test it has two lines and then for the next one to read PREGNANT without the words not any where near it. I wish that come Christmas of 2009 this ugly orange room be painted some beautiful pastel color waiting for the arrival of our offspring. I wish my time to be now!

From this day forward I will do everything in my power to make motherhood a reality. I wish I wish I wish!

Sorry there has been no update

Why? Because there is really nothing to report. I don't feel like you would be at all interested in the week of the life of me. Wake up, clean the house - maybe if I am motivated enough to do anything - go to work, come home and sleep. Repeat steps one through four and times it by seven and there ya go.

I did go to the wedding of my life long friend this past weekend. Open bar at 11am - hell why not! 10 Martinis later (okay maybe not 10, I didn't count), I was in the car with my oh so loving and understanding designated driver of a husband crying my eyes out. Why? Because there is no such thing as a happy event in my life at the moment. Everything reminds me of what I do not have. The friends I sat with shared their usually stories about their kids. My life long friend married into 3 step children and of course her son that she had in another previous relationship. Here everyone - look at the picture of my puppy, isn't she cute. She wakes me up at 7 am with dog breath filled kisses. Oh that doesn't compare to little Johnny running through the snow. You never saw my dog run through the snow, she loves it! BLAH

And life goes on. Wake up, clean, go to work sleep. Trudging through every day life. Waiting on insurance. Waiting on a miracle that may not come. Counting days on calendars wondering what life will be like in April or May because life in February and March will be stagnant. Thanks insurance for taking so damn long to approve me.

Things went well at the new RE

He talked with us for about 45 minutes explaining what may be up with my eggs. He said in theory I was 37 years old, but my eggs and the amount of ocytes I am producing were acting like they were 40s. So he would like to treat me like a 40 year old patient and be a bit more aggressive in his approach.

First, we will be doing a estrogen priming protocol with 450 Bravelle and 150 Repronex (that is 100 more units then the "max" dose I was on at my last RE). Then, we will be transferring on day 5, so he can watch my eggs for a bit longer. He said, and I agree, that if the embryos are dying before making it to blasts that it will help me determine where to go from here and whether to turn to donor eggs sooner or later. He is hopeful that that will not be the case since I do have 1 frozen blast and that it has just been a matter of bad luck and the embryos not sticking. He also said that when the cycle was over we could meet and access each egg and their grades.

So, we just need to get pre approval from insurance which will get started tomorrow and usually takes 2 weeks. Most likely I will start cycling at the end of March. So for the next month I will try to get my mind off things and clear my head before starting everything up...

Oh and no more butt shots for me! He does not think there are any benefits to using PIO over suppositories. So I am thrilled to have a 2 week wait without shots for a change!

Work work and more work

I guess it is good that I can fill my time with work. Good but bad. I would love to sleep, but overtime is coming in, so who am I to refuse? So I have worked every day since Thursday and will not have a day off until this Thursday. Of course add to that the wakes I had to attend, doctors appointments, birthday parties and all the other crap going on. I have no time to think, let alone mope or worry about what will happen with me.

I did pick up my medical records today and read through them. Still no information on my eggs? How can you do IVF and not have a lab report in my files about my egg quality. I do not get it at all. So I am even more looking forward to cycling with the new clinic and meeting the new doctor on Wednesday.

Until then work, work, work will keep my mind off of everything.

The world is missing a wonderful man today

I went in to work yesterday to see a posting the Roger B. was in the hospital. Upon talking to other members, they had said he went in for some kind of infection "but he is fine".

I work in a social community where many members are retired and just looking for a place to go in the day or to get away from it all at night. Many retired cops or firefighters, which Roger was. He had been a firefighter for years and now his son was on the force. He was always so proud of his children. Many grumpy old men who were jaded from all the horrible sights they must have seen for the years they have lived in this world. Not Roger though. He would come in with a smile on his face every morning. A man truly blessed just to breathe the air he did. He would sport a smile whether he lost a card game or 100 dollars in Keno.

He was a giving man. Always with a cigar in his mouth. I remember telling him how Scott was dabbling in smoking cigars and the next day him coming in with 5 of his favorites for Scott to try out. At that point he had never met my husband, but still he wanted to share his pleasures with him. Scott was floored by his generosity enough to come in the next week to thank him personally and meet the man who I always spoke about highly. Since that day, Scott had gone down there many more times and spoke to Roger, they would talk like they had known each other for years.

The last day I say him was Super Bowl Sunday. He had lost the big card game and decided just to turn his attention to Keno. He won and as always smiled like he won a million, even though at that point he probably lost more then he won. I was busy that day and never said good bye to him. He just left and for granted I thought I would see him again. Up until the call I got last night.

His infection was worse then anyone imagined, if that was what it even was. Word spreads like wild fire and not always reliable down at the club. He was on a ventilator and had brain damage. The family decided to take him off support and a few hours later he passed. Many men have come and gone from the club since I started working there 5 years ago, but no man will be missed as much as Roger. His spirit for life always touched me and I will miss his smile and warm heart. The world will miss it.

He is now with his wife whom he missed so much and looking down on us with his smile.

Everything is coming together nicely

I have my appointment with the new clinic next week and spoke to the secretary today. She was very helpful in getting everything together and emailed me some forms to fill out. I also am faxing her a copy of our health care info.

So already this clinic seems to be more into the 21st century then my first clinic. With my first everything was done over the phone or in person, no email - snail mail. I also got a private number directly to her, so I do not have to call the receptionist to transfer me to her. Such a simple thing that makes a ton of sense, but of course my first clinic did not do. From my understanding they also provide you with a password to access your information online.

Next, my medical records. I was so nervous I would not have them on time and this would be more of a wasted appointment then anything else. But I called to see if I could get a rush on them and to my surprise, I can pick them up Monday! So I should have everything all tied up in a bow come Wednesday. Hopefully I will be able to start cycling in March and not waste anytime with the clinic switch.

I am not crying all the time which is an improvement from this weekend. I feel guardedly hopeful that this clinic can shed new light and new results.

We shall see.

At a crossroads

Scott an I seem to be at this marker in the road. He would be fine turning one way and I on the other hand want to go another.

He just wants to move on with life and is fine with how things are. He all along has been doing this for me because he knew how important it is to me. Sure he has no problems with being a dad, he was all in to having children the "natural" way. But when it turned into it being a chore, one that has lasted 6 years, he lost interest. He is waiting for this to be over, no matter how it is over. He talks about his dreams of travel and improving the home and how he will cope when all this is through.

I on the other hand can not let it go. I do not want to stop at nothing. I can not picture my life without a child. I would love to move on to donor eggs if it is what it will take. I don't want him to agree with it just for me though. And I don't want to agree with him just to agree, I want to be content with the decisions we have made.

I don't know what to do. I love him so much, he is my best friend and everything I ever wanted. But what do you do when you come to that spot in the road and can not choose which way will be the best. 30 years from now will I regret the choice made? Will he?

It was never supposed to this hard. I know I do not have to make the decision today or even next week. Hopefully #3 will work and we will never have to make it. But what will happen if we get there. I am scared.

Well Februaury is starting out better already!

I called today for an appointment with another Doctor. I already figured February would be a month stuck in limbo since my current Doctor didn't have an opening to discuss my failed IVF cycle until the end of the month. Getting in to a new doctor would not be as easy as seeing a current doctor, so imagine my surprise when his secretary said they had an opening on Febuary 11th! Next week!

Wow.

I am really hoping that I get good vibes from this new doctor. If so I will cancel my appointment with Dr. S. and start cycling as soon as possible with the new doctor (Dr. P)

Here is hoping that a change of scenery will also equal to a change of results. Now begins my new year!