Le Sigh

It is funny because after writing my last post listing my few and far in between symptoms I have not had any thing to note of and of course that leads me right into paranoia. Such a funny game this all is.

We try so so hard to see the two lines on a test and then once we do the celebration lasts for a nano-second then off we are being worried that it continues to grow. All we do is worry until we see the heartbeat on a u/s screen. Then after that, stress some more until we again see the heartbeat on a u/s and hear the heartbeat on doppler. Maybe for a minute or two in a day we get reprieve from worry, but most of the time it is worry. And I suspect it continues for 9 months and more after that.

I read the first tri boards and I wish I could fantasize about names, cribs, mommy cars, birthdays, daycare and school. Instead, I sit here and worry why I am not puking or have food aversions or why my boobs are less sore then yesterday. I want with all my might to be excited and to dream, but on the other hand there is huge doubt that someone will take the big eraser and come along and clean this giant chalkboard that is my life. Like being too happy could make that happen sooner then not.

Today I am pregnant. I try telling myself that, believe me I have tried everything to just enjoy the prospective future. BUT there is always a but, at least that is what has happened for 6 plus years. How can I be so positive of this dream being a reality when I have been let down so many times before?

I hope there will be a point where I can let go a little of this fear? Maybe when I get past the second trimester? I hope so, because I do not want to live like this. I really don't! I used to be so optimistic. Suzy Sunshine. I hate being Debby Downer!

7 weeks 5 days

I decided to update with some symptoms although nothing is screaming out to me still. I am feeling some things though, but most the time I feel "normal". Maybe someone who is newly pregnant will stumble on my blog to feel a sense of relief that someone else out there doesn't feel anything. Because for me it gets me paranoid. I just went in with a notion that all pregnant woman should be feeling this and that, so when I didn't I freaked and immediately thought something was wrong. The u/s alleviated that for me a little.

So here they are:

The big one: Bloat beyond belief, which I will half contribute to the progesterone suppositories I am on. It gets worse at night or after I eat to the point where I can not button my pants. That is the one constant I do have.

Hunger. Sometimes it comes sometimes it goes. There are days I can eat every two hours and then some days where I do not feel like eating anything. When I do force food down, if it tastes good I inhale it. I'm not sure I have left a morsel of food on my plate in the past week.

Nasty taste in my mouth. It starts in the morning, I wake up feeling like I drank way too many margarita's. I brush my teeth, drink some water and that gives me some relief. It comes back though and keeps coming through out the day. Sometimes, not always.

Nausea. I can not say this is huge. Nothing like I expected. Sometimes a certain smell will make me gag. Sometimes I will feel like I just got off a sit and spin and need to take a breather to not start gagging. These feeling quickly leave as fast as they come though. I think I have had it maybe three days out of the past few weeks. Believe me, I am happy for that.

Sore boobs. I have relatively small boobs, an A cup. They are fuller, but nothing huge, I maybe fill my cup size a little better now. They are tender, but not horrible.

Heartburn and gas. This is another almost constant unfortunately.

Lastly, I am tired. But it is not a nightly thing. I can be fine at work most nights. Then it all catches up to me after 2-3 days and I am taking a nap in the afternoon and falling asleep at 8pm. Next day, relieved again and back to my normal self.

All of these things I needed to look for to put together. They all happen on different days of the week and not one thing, except for bloat and gas, is with me constantly. Hopefully it keeps going like this and I can look back on my first trimester laughing at all the people who concieved within their first month or two of TTC and had a hard first tri of constant nausea! Or I will look back on this post and kick myself for saying what I just did, because it will come back and haunt me...

Should I tell or should I wait?

I see this asked a million times and my answer has always been that if a person is of support to you then you should tell right away because if something were to happen they could support you. So why is it I am afraid to call a couple of close friends to share the news? They knew I was going through IVF, they have since called and left messages of how I am doing. I called one and chickened out so told her I was doing "good" and left it at that.

Yesterday I told my parents about the perfect heartbeat and my mother goes and tells everyone she works with. Coincidentally, my mom just so happens to work with the wife of one of my co-workers. She said she swore her to secrecy, but I know you can never tell a spouse something you want to keep from another spouse. It just does not work that way.

Ideally I wanted to wait until I had an u/s with my OB which should be around 12 weeks. I just feel as though I would be most confident in the pregnancy by then. BUT I want to enjoy this time. I want to share with people I am close to and rejoice with them. I am so scared though of jinxing all of this.

So I will talk it all over with Scott tonight and see what he thinks. He thinks positively, always has through everything. Maybe he will be my voice of reason?

My first u/s was today.

I get there at 9:30 on the dot. And then I wait and wait some more until they call me in at about 10:15. Finally!

The u/s tech was great. She located everything really fast then turned the machine so we could both see and said "there is your little one, there is just one" Knowing we transferred three. She then looked at Scott and said "you see that flicker?" Scott says "yep" She smiles and says "that is the heart beat". At that moment Scott's jaw dropped and his eyes got big, just like a little kid in amazement "Hello little critter" he says to the machine. I was not sure what to look at more, Scott's reaction or the flicker on the machine!

Everything was perfect, measurments are right where they should be, heartbeat at 121bpm. Perfect. I have a little bitty perfect one and I feel so relieved and amazed!

I spoke with the nurse practitioner on my case and she asked me if I had any questions. The only one I had was if they could draw my TSH levels to make sure they are okay. They did that and it came back slightly elevated. So I need to adjust my synthroid and am waiting on my PCP to call me with the adjustment. Scott's only question for her was why I wasn't getting morning sickness. I kicked him under the desk for jinxing me and the NP said it was perfectly fine not to have it and I could still get it soon. If I do, he is in trouble!

Then I graduated! I get to see an OB and am released from my RE! I am like every other pregnant woman out there. I finally made it to the other side!!! Oh I wish I could relay the pure joy my heart feels. If I had energy I think I would run up and down the street screaming "woohoo we did it!"

Not the best day yesterday...

It started out perfect. Scott surprised me with the most beautiful flowers and a perfect card that said how much of a wonderful mom I will be and how he can't wait. I really wasn't expecting anything, but since it has been 6 years of wishing to celebrate Mother's Day, I am glad he did think of me.

Next thing you know, I decided to have sex with him. My clinic has no restrictions. I had been nervous about it and haven't since the transfer, but threw caution to the wind. As we were in the heat of things, the phone starts to ring we ignore it, of course....

Well that is when our day goes down hill and fast.

I look down there is blood everywhere. Oh my God - what did I just do! I start to panic and cry and freak out. Scott tries to calm me saying in his book ( I got him a "man" book about pregnancy) says it is perfectly normal, things will be okay. I want none of that and get on the phone to call the nurse.

As I am calling the nurse on my cell, Scott is checking the message that we got when we ignored the phone...

My nurse reassures me everything is fine, that the cervix when pregnant becomes more vascular and the pressure from sex sometimes causes blood. She said it should taper off in a little while and to call back in the morning to give them an update, if I was still bleeding they would move up my u/s from Wednesday to Monday. Okay, Scott and his man book were right, I feel better although still nervous the bleeding won't stop.

I go to tell Scott everything is okay and he says "My dad had another heart attack, he is being transferred from rehab to the hospital"

Shit! His dad had been showing improvement, although he developed pneumonia last week. He had been on antibiotics and working through that and now this. Again. Scott leaves to go to the hospital, I put my feet up and pray the bleeding stop. The bleeding does taper off. A few spots of brown after a couple of hours. Now I can change my entire focus to Scott's dad. Pray for him to make it. Scott calls to update me. His dad is stable and will be given a pace maker tomorrow.

Now we are back praying with all our might for two things again. Just like when we started the stims for this IVF - for Scott's dad to make it and be all right and for this baby to make it and be all right.

Are you in there little one?

If you are I would love you to show me some sign. I know you are too small at this stage for me to feel, but I would love for you to make me deathly tired. Too tired to work. If you are in there, I would love for you to tell me you hate what I am eating for lunch or the smells around me. Make me cranky and moody. Make me weep at stupid commercials. Make me feel anything really.

I know some of you reading this are thinking "be thankful you are feeling well" and for the most part I am. But I am also paranoid beyond belief that in a week when I go for the u/s it will show nothing. All stemmed from the fact that since I got the positive beta back I have felt nothing. If I felt like crap 24/7 at least I could know something was progressing.

I also know the amount of morning sickness and other symptoms are not a sign of a healthy or none healthy pregnancy. Again though, it would make me be hopeful and less scared.

In 8 months maybe I can look back at this time and be very very happy that I came out of the first few weeks without anything. Maybe it is my gift for having to endure IF for as long as I did? But hindsight is 20/20 and today is when I need to know.

I have one more week before my u/s. Each day is dragging. I will be going to the u/s myself. H has taken so much time off work already with egg retrievals, egg transfers and consultations that we agreed that he could skip this one since we want as much time for him when the baby arrives. BUT what if something happens and he is not there? Nothing has been more soothing to me through out all of this then him holding my hand.

Why can't I think positively. No blood, no cramps. That should mean something. Why can't I go back to the naive woman who pees on a stick, tells the world about her wonder and 9 months later gives birth? Instead I am the paranoid victim who is avoiding friends phone calls because they may ask and I may have to tell and then warn them that I am being very cautious about all of this. Because the baby making thing does not come simple to me. Something is bound to go wrong as it always does. Happiness does not exist in my world?

It is starting to hit me

No, not symptoms. I still feel nothing on that front. But I am pregnant. All my hard work and effort, time and money paid off. I am part of the small 35% of people who get pregnant with IVF in my age group. We did it!!!

I am still afraid to jump up and down. Still afraid to scream it from any roof top. I am however daydreaming about how I want the nursery to look, baby names, Scott feeding the baby and holding her (yes, when I picture my baby I picture a she, even though for years I had always wanted a he) and the love I will have for this little being inside of me already.

I am amazed at how well I feel at this point. Scared that I feel mostly normal. When I wake first thing in the morning, I have a hang over type of feel about me, that shortly disappears to me being me again, but for those brief seconds in the morning I know I am baking a little bean. Possibly here near Christmas.

From the beginning, I have always dreamed of having a Christmas baby. I am not sure why I would want one that time of year, but it was always exciting to me. A little present under the tree. I am due a little past Christmas, but I think it is funny how it all worked out how it did. First, my period before this IVF cycle was about 5 days early, had it been on time I would be looking at a New Year baby. Next, the clinic switch, had I stayed with my past clinic, they would have extended things out and I probably would not have cycled until May. My first clinic was always slow about things. First I would have not had my follow up appointment for 2 weeks after I had my appointment with the new clinic, but after that they would need to go through their whole board approval process. There would have been no way of me having a Christmas miracle. Here I am though.

As I said I am still affraid to deem this official. Hopefully seeing the little bean on U/S will help, hearing the heart beat? Each and every day I make it further into all this it will make it more real and me a bit more confident. Today I am pregnant though, so today I will dream a little more!