I get there at 9:30 on the dot. And then I wait and wait some more until they call me in at about 10:15. Finally!
The u/s tech was great. She located everything really fast then turned the machine so we could both see and said "there is your little one, there is just one" Knowing we transferred three. She then looked at Scott and said "you see that flicker?" Scott says "yep" She smiles and says "that is the heart beat". At that moment Scott's jaw dropped and his eyes got big, just like a little kid in amazement "Hello little critter" he says to the machine. I was not sure what to look at more, Scott's reaction or the flicker on the machine!
Everything was perfect, measurments are right where they should be, heartbeat at 121bpm. Perfect. I have a little bitty perfect one and I feel so relieved and amazed!
I spoke with the nurse practitioner on my case and she asked me if I had any questions. The only one I had was if they could draw my TSH levels to make sure they are okay. They did that and it came back slightly elevated. So I need to adjust my synthroid and am waiting on my PCP to call me with the adjustment. Scott's only question for her was why I wasn't getting morning sickness. I kicked him under the desk for jinxing me and the NP said it was perfectly fine not to have it and I could still get it soon. If I do, he is in trouble!
Then I graduated! I get to see an OB and am released from my RE! I am like every other pregnant woman out there. I finally made it to the other side!!! Oh I wish I could relay the pure joy my heart feels. If I had energy I think I would run up and down the street screaming "woohoo we did it!"
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Not the best day yesterday...
It started out perfect. Scott surprised me with the most beautiful flowers and a perfect card that said how much of a wonderful mom I will be and how he can't wait. I really wasn't expecting anything, but since it has been 6 years of wishing to celebrate Mother's Day, I am glad he did think of me.
Next thing you know, I decided to have sex with him. My clinic has no restrictions. I had been nervous about it and haven't since the transfer, but threw caution to the wind. As we were in the heat of things, the phone starts to ring we ignore it, of course....
Well that is when our day goes down hill and fast.
I look down there is blood everywhere. Oh my God - what did I just do! I start to panic and cry and freak out. Scott tries to calm me saying in his book ( I got him a "man" book about pregnancy) says it is perfectly normal, things will be okay. I want none of that and get on the phone to call the nurse.
As I am calling the nurse on my cell, Scott is checking the message that we got when we ignored the phone...
My nurse reassures me everything is fine, that the cervix when pregnant becomes more vascular and the pressure from sex sometimes causes blood. She said it should taper off in a little while and to call back in the morning to give them an update, if I was still bleeding they would move up my u/s from Wednesday to Monday. Okay, Scott and his man book were right, I feel better although still nervous the bleeding won't stop.
I go to tell Scott everything is okay and he says "My dad had another heart attack, he is being transferred from rehab to the hospital"
Shit! His dad had been showing improvement, although he developed pneumonia last week. He had been on antibiotics and working through that and now this. Again. Scott leaves to go to the hospital, I put my feet up and pray the bleeding stop. The bleeding does taper off. A few spots of brown after a couple of hours. Now I can change my entire focus to Scott's dad. Pray for him to make it. Scott calls to update me. His dad is stable and will be given a pace maker tomorrow.
Now we are back praying with all our might for two things again. Just like when we started the stims for this IVF - for Scott's dad to make it and be all right and for this baby to make it and be all right.
Next thing you know, I decided to have sex with him. My clinic has no restrictions. I had been nervous about it and haven't since the transfer, but threw caution to the wind. As we were in the heat of things, the phone starts to ring we ignore it, of course....
Well that is when our day goes down hill and fast.
I look down there is blood everywhere. Oh my God - what did I just do! I start to panic and cry and freak out. Scott tries to calm me saying in his book ( I got him a "man" book about pregnancy) says it is perfectly normal, things will be okay. I want none of that and get on the phone to call the nurse.
As I am calling the nurse on my cell, Scott is checking the message that we got when we ignored the phone...
My nurse reassures me everything is fine, that the cervix when pregnant becomes more vascular and the pressure from sex sometimes causes blood. She said it should taper off in a little while and to call back in the morning to give them an update, if I was still bleeding they would move up my u/s from Wednesday to Monday. Okay, Scott and his man book were right, I feel better although still nervous the bleeding won't stop.
I go to tell Scott everything is okay and he says "My dad had another heart attack, he is being transferred from rehab to the hospital"
Shit! His dad had been showing improvement, although he developed pneumonia last week. He had been on antibiotics and working through that and now this. Again. Scott leaves to go to the hospital, I put my feet up and pray the bleeding stop. The bleeding does taper off. A few spots of brown after a couple of hours. Now I can change my entire focus to Scott's dad. Pray for him to make it. Scott calls to update me. His dad is stable and will be given a pace maker tomorrow.
Now we are back praying with all our might for two things again. Just like when we started the stims for this IVF - for Scott's dad to make it and be all right and for this baby to make it and be all right.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Are you in there little one?
If you are I would love you to show me some sign. I know you are too small at this stage for me to feel, but I would love for you to make me deathly tired. Too tired to work. If you are in there, I would love for you to tell me you hate what I am eating for lunch or the smells around me. Make me cranky and moody. Make me weep at stupid commercials. Make me feel anything really.
I know some of you reading this are thinking "be thankful you are feeling well" and for the most part I am. But I am also paranoid beyond belief that in a week when I go for the u/s it will show nothing. All stemmed from the fact that since I got the positive beta back I have felt nothing. If I felt like crap 24/7 at least I could know something was progressing.
I also know the amount of morning sickness and other symptoms are not a sign of a healthy or none healthy pregnancy. Again though, it would make me be hopeful and less scared.
In 8 months maybe I can look back at this time and be very very happy that I came out of the first few weeks without anything. Maybe it is my gift for having to endure IF for as long as I did? But hindsight is 20/20 and today is when I need to know.
I have one more week before my u/s. Each day is dragging. I will be going to the u/s myself. H has taken so much time off work already with egg retrievals, egg transfers and consultations that we agreed that he could skip this one since we want as much time for him when the baby arrives. BUT what if something happens and he is not there? Nothing has been more soothing to me through out all of this then him holding my hand.
Why can't I think positively. No blood, no cramps. That should mean something. Why can't I go back to the naive woman who pees on a stick, tells the world about her wonder and 9 months later gives birth? Instead I am the paranoid victim who is avoiding friends phone calls because they may ask and I may have to tell and then warn them that I am being very cautious about all of this. Because the baby making thing does not come simple to me. Something is bound to go wrong as it always does. Happiness does not exist in my world?
I know some of you reading this are thinking "be thankful you are feeling well" and for the most part I am. But I am also paranoid beyond belief that in a week when I go for the u/s it will show nothing. All stemmed from the fact that since I got the positive beta back I have felt nothing. If I felt like crap 24/7 at least I could know something was progressing.
I also know the amount of morning sickness and other symptoms are not a sign of a healthy or none healthy pregnancy. Again though, it would make me be hopeful and less scared.
In 8 months maybe I can look back at this time and be very very happy that I came out of the first few weeks without anything. Maybe it is my gift for having to endure IF for as long as I did? But hindsight is 20/20 and today is when I need to know.
I have one more week before my u/s. Each day is dragging. I will be going to the u/s myself. H has taken so much time off work already with egg retrievals, egg transfers and consultations that we agreed that he could skip this one since we want as much time for him when the baby arrives. BUT what if something happens and he is not there? Nothing has been more soothing to me through out all of this then him holding my hand.
Why can't I think positively. No blood, no cramps. That should mean something. Why can't I go back to the naive woman who pees on a stick, tells the world about her wonder and 9 months later gives birth? Instead I am the paranoid victim who is avoiding friends phone calls because they may ask and I may have to tell and then warn them that I am being very cautious about all of this. Because the baby making thing does not come simple to me. Something is bound to go wrong as it always does. Happiness does not exist in my world?
Friday, May 1, 2009
It is starting to hit me
No, not symptoms. I still feel nothing on that front. But I am pregnant. All my hard work and effort, time and money paid off. I am part of the small 35% of people who get pregnant with IVF in my age group. We did it!!!
I am still afraid to jump up and down. Still afraid to scream it from any roof top. I am however daydreaming about how I want the nursery to look, baby names, Scott feeding the baby and holding her (yes, when I picture my baby I picture a she, even though for years I had always wanted a he) and the love I will have for this little being inside of me already.
I am amazed at how well I feel at this point. Scared that I feel mostly normal. When I wake first thing in the morning, I have a hang over type of feel about me, that shortly disappears to me being me again, but for those brief seconds in the morning I know I am baking a little bean. Possibly here near Christmas.
From the beginning, I have always dreamed of having a Christmas baby. I am not sure why I would want one that time of year, but it was always exciting to me. A little present under the tree. I am due a little past Christmas, but I think it is funny how it all worked out how it did. First, my period before this IVF cycle was about 5 days early, had it been on time I would be looking at a New Year baby. Next, the clinic switch, had I stayed with my past clinic, they would have extended things out and I probably would not have cycled until May. My first clinic was always slow about things. First I would have not had my follow up appointment for 2 weeks after I had my appointment with the new clinic, but after that they would need to go through their whole board approval process. There would have been no way of me having a Christmas miracle. Here I am though.
As I said I am still affraid to deem this official. Hopefully seeing the little bean on U/S will help, hearing the heart beat? Each and every day I make it further into all this it will make it more real and me a bit more confident. Today I am pregnant though, so today I will dream a little more!
I am still afraid to jump up and down. Still afraid to scream it from any roof top. I am however daydreaming about how I want the nursery to look, baby names, Scott feeding the baby and holding her (yes, when I picture my baby I picture a she, even though for years I had always wanted a he) and the love I will have for this little being inside of me already.
I am amazed at how well I feel at this point. Scared that I feel mostly normal. When I wake first thing in the morning, I have a hang over type of feel about me, that shortly disappears to me being me again, but for those brief seconds in the morning I know I am baking a little bean. Possibly here near Christmas.
From the beginning, I have always dreamed of having a Christmas baby. I am not sure why I would want one that time of year, but it was always exciting to me. A little present under the tree. I am due a little past Christmas, but I think it is funny how it all worked out how it did. First, my period before this IVF cycle was about 5 days early, had it been on time I would be looking at a New Year baby. Next, the clinic switch, had I stayed with my past clinic, they would have extended things out and I probably would not have cycled until May. My first clinic was always slow about things. First I would have not had my follow up appointment for 2 weeks after I had my appointment with the new clinic, but after that they would need to go through their whole board approval process. There would have been no way of me having a Christmas miracle. Here I am though.
As I said I am still affraid to deem this official. Hopefully seeing the little bean on U/S will help, hearing the heart beat? Each and every day I make it further into all this it will make it more real and me a bit more confident. Today I am pregnant though, so today I will dream a little more!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Another two week wait
I had my appointment yesterday with the RE and basically it was a 45 minute ride and a co-pay to have him tell me congratulations. He said he has these appointments to answer any questions I might have about how the cycle went, but to tell you the truth, since the cycle resulted in a BFP I did not have any questions. None that I could think of right then anyway.
He gave me a list of my embryos and their growth through the 5 days in the lab. It is interesting to note that on day 3 none were at 8 cells. I had two 7 cells and one 6 cell. The one that arrested never made it past 1 cell. Had they been transfered at that point, I probably would have been bummed and thought the cycle doomed because none made it to 8 cells.
Then at day 5 before the transfer, the one that was at 6 cells on day three was the extended blastocyst so it caught up and passed the two in the lead on day three. The expanded blast was the only one that was graded fully - 4bb, which meant it was fully expanded and showed good inner cell mass and a good trophectoderm. The highest quality given would have been a 4AA at that point. The other two were not there yet and were simply graded at a 1 and a 2, meaning they were not fully expanded and showed blastocoel cavity beind half or less the half of the embryo.
So going by this scientific accessment I will guess that I will have a singleton. We will see though.. after all I am just using my internet degree in Embryology.
Now comes symptoms. None. The doctor did not seem concerned by it at all. But that does not ease my worry at all. I want to feel the little one growing inside me to know everything is all right. I was tired last week, now I am not. I was crampy last week and now I am not. I am however bloated, which it seems for the last year I have been, so maybe it is more fat then bloat? I am worried that because the tiredness I felt last week ended, so did my pregnancy. But as I am told by everyone, symptoms come and go and no one really felt much until about 7 weeks. So at this point all I can do is pray that this little one hangs on tight. My ultra sound is scheduled two weeks from today. So here I go again, in another 2ww!
He gave me a list of my embryos and their growth through the 5 days in the lab. It is interesting to note that on day 3 none were at 8 cells. I had two 7 cells and one 6 cell. The one that arrested never made it past 1 cell. Had they been transfered at that point, I probably would have been bummed and thought the cycle doomed because none made it to 8 cells.
Then at day 5 before the transfer, the one that was at 6 cells on day three was the extended blastocyst so it caught up and passed the two in the lead on day three. The expanded blast was the only one that was graded fully - 4bb, which meant it was fully expanded and showed good inner cell mass and a good trophectoderm. The highest quality given would have been a 4AA at that point. The other two were not there yet and were simply graded at a 1 and a 2, meaning they were not fully expanded and showed blastocoel cavity beind half or less the half of the embryo.
So going by this scientific accessment I will guess that I will have a singleton. We will see though.. after all I am just using my internet degree in Embryology.
Now comes symptoms. None. The doctor did not seem concerned by it at all. But that does not ease my worry at all. I want to feel the little one growing inside me to know everything is all right. I was tired last week, now I am not. I was crampy last week and now I am not. I am however bloated, which it seems for the last year I have been, so maybe it is more fat then bloat? I am worried that because the tiredness I felt last week ended, so did my pregnancy. But as I am told by everyone, symptoms come and go and no one really felt much until about 7 weeks. So at this point all I can do is pray that this little one hangs on tight. My ultra sound is scheduled two weeks from today. So here I go again, in another 2ww!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Second beta is back
826!!! More then doubled!
My mom is convinced I have twins. She called Scott up yesterday and told him so. Scott has had the deer in headlights look on his face for the past 24 hours since. We knew this could be a possibility but the chance of it being reality is a scary thing. And what if it is triplets, that is always a possibility since 3 were placed back in. I try to reassure him the beta numbers do not indicate anything, which they don't really, but I keep comparing my numbers to everyone elses to get a sense of if it could be multiples. It is going to be a long couple of weeks until the first u/s! I know once we find out, either way, after the initial shock wears off we will be elated, but we have to get to that shock first.
So that brings me to the days dragging. I found out Wednesday and it is now Sunday. Five days has gone by and it feels like a year already. Driving to my blood draw yesterday seemed to take twice as long. The days seem 4 times as long. I wish I could fast forward now to get to the u/s and hell delivery! I waited long enough for this child, haven't I?
I am not feeling much in the way of symptoms. I take a nap in the afternoon. I have eaten a bit more then normal, but I do not feel nauseous or dizzy or anything really. I wish I would get sick so it would feel more real. Weird, I know, but it is the truth.
I have a Doctors appointment Tuesday. Until then...
My mom is convinced I have twins. She called Scott up yesterday and told him so. Scott has had the deer in headlights look on his face for the past 24 hours since. We knew this could be a possibility but the chance of it being reality is a scary thing. And what if it is triplets, that is always a possibility since 3 were placed back in. I try to reassure him the beta numbers do not indicate anything, which they don't really, but I keep comparing my numbers to everyone elses to get a sense of if it could be multiples. It is going to be a long couple of weeks until the first u/s! I know once we find out, either way, after the initial shock wears off we will be elated, but we have to get to that shock first.
So that brings me to the days dragging. I found out Wednesday and it is now Sunday. Five days has gone by and it feels like a year already. Driving to my blood draw yesterday seemed to take twice as long. The days seem 4 times as long. I wish I could fast forward now to get to the u/s and hell delivery! I waited long enough for this child, haven't I?
I am not feeling much in the way of symptoms. I take a nap in the afternoon. I have eaten a bit more then normal, but I do not feel nauseous or dizzy or anything really. I wish I would get sick so it would feel more real. Weird, I know, but it is the truth.
I have a Doctors appointment Tuesday. Until then...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Beta day!
My beta was scheduled for 10am. I woke up super early and peed on a stick, which has become my morning ritual. Still two lines, this one slightly darker then yesterdays. Then I got ready and hung around the house until it was time to leave, I probably could have waited another 1/2 hour or so, but I was too excited and wanted to get on with it. So I made the 45 minute drive in to have a 2 second blood draw and drove back home. When I got home I plugged my phone in the charger and figured I would kill time playing games on the internet... Not five minutes later did the phone ring. Beta was back already!
"Hi is Kristen there"
"Kristine, yes" (I have corrected the same nurse on my name about 4 times now) "How are you?"
"Not as good as you! Congrats!!!"
Now is this the point where excitement should enter the scene? Not for me! I asked for the numbers, which she told me were 211 and that is "fabulous". Then she scheduled my next beta and told me I would still come in to talk to the Doctor next week, originally it was the WTF appointment, now it will be a What to expect meeting...much nicer =)
I then called Scott. He said "That's good" I said "It is official" He said "Official, good" Not much excitement on that end either. I call my sister and Mom and they are jumping up and down excited. Both asked "Are you excited?"
My answer? "Yep, well it hasn't kicked in yet but yeah I will be excited"
So to describe what I and I think my husband are feeling: Shell Shocked. I want to be excited. I even went to Baby's R Us and looked around. But when the woman asked if she could help me I felt almost dumb, like "Hi I just found out I was pregnant 1 hour ago and I am here to get my excitement on." I could not picture MY baby in any item in the place. I did see a nice crib. But it still does not seem real enough for me to look at details of that real crib. I bought a Red Sox onesie (is that how you spell onesie?) but it felt more like I HAD to by one then I wanted to by one.
"Hi is Kristen there"
"Kristine, yes" (I have corrected the same nurse on my name about 4 times now) "How are you?"
"Not as good as you! Congrats!!!"
Now is this the point where excitement should enter the scene? Not for me! I asked for the numbers, which she told me were 211 and that is "fabulous". Then she scheduled my next beta and told me I would still come in to talk to the Doctor next week, originally it was the WTF appointment, now it will be a What to expect meeting...much nicer =)
I then called Scott. He said "That's good" I said "It is official" He said "Official, good" Not much excitement on that end either. I call my sister and Mom and they are jumping up and down excited. Both asked "Are you excited?"
My answer? "Yep, well it hasn't kicked in yet but yeah I will be excited"
So to describe what I and I think my husband are feeling: Shell Shocked. I want to be excited. I even went to Baby's R Us and looked around. But when the woman asked if she could help me I felt almost dumb, like "Hi I just found out I was pregnant 1 hour ago and I am here to get my excitement on." I could not picture MY baby in any item in the place. I did see a nice crib. But it still does not seem real enough for me to look at details of that real crib. I bought a Red Sox onesie (is that how you spell onesie?) but it felt more like I HAD to by one then I wanted to by one.
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