Another two week wait

I had my appointment yesterday with the RE and basically it was a 45 minute ride and a co-pay to have him tell me congratulations. He said he has these appointments to answer any questions I might have about how the cycle went, but to tell you the truth, since the cycle resulted in a BFP I did not have any questions. None that I could think of right then anyway.

He gave me a list of my embryos and their growth through the 5 days in the lab. It is interesting to note that on day 3 none were at 8 cells. I had two 7 cells and one 6 cell. The one that arrested never made it past 1 cell. Had they been transfered at that point, I probably would have been bummed and thought the cycle doomed because none made it to 8 cells.

Then at day 5 before the transfer, the one that was at 6 cells on day three was the extended blastocyst so it caught up and passed the two in the lead on day three. The expanded blast was the only one that was graded fully - 4bb, which meant it was fully expanded and showed good inner cell mass and a good trophectoderm. The highest quality given would have been a 4AA at that point. The other two were not there yet and were simply graded at a 1 and a 2, meaning they were not fully expanded and showed blastocoel cavity beind half or less the half of the embryo.

So going by this scientific accessment I will guess that I will have a singleton. We will see though.. after all I am just using my internet degree in Embryology.

Now comes symptoms. None. The doctor did not seem concerned by it at all. But that does not ease my worry at all. I want to feel the little one growing inside me to know everything is all right. I was tired last week, now I am not. I was crampy last week and now I am not. I am however bloated, which it seems for the last year I have been, so maybe it is more fat then bloat? I am worried that because the tiredness I felt last week ended, so did my pregnancy. But as I am told by everyone, symptoms come and go and no one really felt much until about 7 weeks. So at this point all I can do is pray that this little one hangs on tight. My ultra sound is scheduled two weeks from today. So here I go again, in another 2ww!

Second beta is back

826!!! More then doubled!

My mom is convinced I have twins. She called Scott up yesterday and told him so. Scott has had the deer in headlights look on his face for the past 24 hours since. We knew this could be a possibility but the chance of it being reality is a scary thing. And what if it is triplets, that is always a possibility since 3 were placed back in. I try to reassure him the beta numbers do not indicate anything, which they don't really, but I keep comparing my numbers to everyone elses to get a sense of if it could be multiples. It is going to be a long couple of weeks until the first u/s! I know once we find out, either way, after the initial shock wears off we will be elated, but we have to get to that shock first.

So that brings me to the days dragging. I found out Wednesday and it is now Sunday. Five days has gone by and it feels like a year already. Driving to my blood draw yesterday seemed to take twice as long. The days seem 4 times as long. I wish I could fast forward now to get to the u/s and hell delivery! I waited long enough for this child, haven't I?

I am not feeling much in the way of symptoms. I take a nap in the afternoon. I have eaten a bit more then normal, but I do not feel nauseous or dizzy or anything really. I wish I would get sick so it would feel more real. Weird, I know, but it is the truth.

I have a Doctors appointment Tuesday. Until then...

Beta day!

My beta was scheduled for 10am. I woke up super early and peed on a stick, which has become my morning ritual. Still two lines, this one slightly darker then yesterdays. Then I got ready and hung around the house until it was time to leave, I probably could have waited another 1/2 hour or so, but I was too excited and wanted to get on with it. So I made the 45 minute drive in to have a 2 second blood draw and drove back home. When I got home I plugged my phone in the charger and figured I would kill time playing games on the internet... Not five minutes later did the phone ring. Beta was back already!

"Hi is Kristen there"

"Kristine, yes" (I have corrected the same nurse on my name about 4 times now) "How are you?"

"Not as good as you! Congrats!!!"

Now is this the point where excitement should enter the scene? Not for me! I asked for the numbers, which she told me were 211 and that is "fabulous". Then she scheduled my next beta and told me I would still come in to talk to the Doctor next week, originally it was the WTF appointment, now it will be a What to expect meeting...much nicer =)

I then called Scott. He said "That's good" I said "It is official" He said "Official, good" Not much excitement on that end either. I call my sister and Mom and they are jumping up and down excited. Both asked "Are you excited?"

My answer? "Yep, well it hasn't kicked in yet but yeah I will be excited"

So to describe what I and I think my husband are feeling: Shell Shocked. I want to be excited. I even went to Baby's R Us and looked around. But when the woman asked if she could help me I felt almost dumb, like "Hi I just found out I was pregnant 1 hour ago and I am here to get my excitement on." I could not picture MY baby in any item in the place. I did see a nice crib. But it still does not seem real enough for me to look at details of that real crib. I bought a Red Sox onesie (is that how you spell onesie?) but it felt more like I HAD to by one then I wanted to by one.

Okay so umm wow!

I pretty much convinced myself I wasn't. I even had a drink last night - oops! So this afternoon I was in a funk and thought I would just get the torture and the crying over with. I go to the store... buy a 3 pack of HPTs and a digital for good measure...

I come home and POAS to find this within 3 seconds:




I didn't have to squint or anything. It is just there. I AM PREGNANT. Of course I have looked at this thing every 2 seconds since to make sure I am not imagining things and it is still here. Two lines!

So I call Scott. I say I am pregnant he says "cool" then he says "I hope there is two or less in there" and the freak out has begun for him and the disbelief has begun for me. I can not wait until Wednesday for my Beta and I will probably POAS every second until then!

Symptoms: None. I have felt like every other cycle. The bloat never went away and usually it does in the second week. But other then that I feel like the person I always am on progesterone. Nothing would have convinced me I was pregnant. Nothing!

Bitterness and blame

I fight with this feeling everyday and I hate that I feel this way, but I do. I am angry at my sister. Perhaps it is overlapped childish jealousy? She is Dee and I am Dee's sister and that is how it was all through grammar school until our adult years where we moved away from each other and not very many people knew both of us to compare. She was always talented and successful in everything she has placed her hands on. I was not so much. I love her and I hate feeling this way and thought I got passed this jealousy shortly after high school when I found my own nitch in life. Funny how it comes raring it's ugly head 20 years later!

The comparison is our fight to parenthood. Seven years ago she dealt with infertility. She tried three rounds of Clomid with TI, then moved on to clomid with IUI. She was successful on her second try with that. Twin boys, born 3 weeks before my wedding. I was thrilled for her and love my nephews to peices.

Then, a year after I got married we figured we were dealing with infertility as well. We never used protection after the wedding, but never timed anything then started timing come the new year. Scott and I had the long talk about what to do. In his mind treatment equaled twins because all he had to look at was my sister. Scared of multiples we put off treatment and put it off some more until the 5 year mark when I convinced him two would be better then none. Reluctantly he agreed. I went for testing, discovered I had Hypothyroidism and once that was leveled out we started treatment. 6 years in.

So here I sit now. After a year of sticking myself with needles. Being a pro at egg retrievals and knowing far too much about embryos and blastocysts, much more then I thought I ever needed to know anyway, and still no child. Her twins are going to be 7 years old and that also marks the timeline of my struggle with IF.

Why? Why was this struggle quicker and easier on her? What did she do to deserve a BFP? Sure, I have had my moments, but I am generally a good person. I believe in karma and all of that. Why am I sitting her now wondering if the last shot we can afford will work and not holding my child(ren)? Why am I now thinking about a game plan to save enough money for a fourth rather then planning my trip to Disney World?

I blame myself as well. We should have never waited 5 years to look into why we were not getting pregnant. I blame my husband for not wanting treatment sooner. I blame the universe for allowing this. I blame God for not listening to my prayers. I blame myself for not having faith in who or whatever to make this possible for us.

Thank You!

With five days to go I wanted to write a sincere thank you to everyone who has read my blog and given me words of encouragement throughout this whole thing. It is amazing how much support you have all been for me through out all these years. You are always there for me to make me hope or to hope for me when I can't any longer. I do not always reply to your words, but with each one it brings a smile to my face!

I also want to give everyone an update on Scott's dad. He was moved within the last week to a rehab hospital. He can now speak through a voice machine, although mostly all he says is "take me home". He still has a long road ahead of him, but they are working with him to feed himself and eventually stand and walk. Hopefully one day we can take him home!

And that will be all. To test or not to test. I will not test today or tomorrow. I am going to the first Red Sox game of the year for me Sunday so it will fill the time. I will sit and not drink a beer and stuff myself with nachos and hot dogs and cracker jacks.

So that will bring me to Monday... 2 more days to go after that! Stick baby(s) - stick!

Okay so I lied!

I told myself to not obsess for the nine days and I did really well until last night. So I made it a whopping 3 days with out thinking too much about it. Now the weekend is here and along brings a whole lot of worries.

I do not feel anything. Nothing at all, like I have never felt anything. So I pretty much convinced myself that this is over. After years of doing this, you would think I would be so fine tuned into what my body was doing that I would feel something? I know, I know, some people do not feel anything and bam next thing they know they are looking at two lines, but that is not usually - or I should say never - the case for me.

I have flip flopped over an over about buying a HPT. I did a mad search in my bathroom cabinets this morning in hopes I had a left over one, but nope. I want to pee on something. But I drove by two drug stores and did not pull over, because I am afraid to put a definite end to this dream. Is 4 days past a 5 day transfer too soon anyway? Most likely.

I just hate this! I hate not knowing which way my life is heading. I want a vacation, I want to try one more time? I want a baby! I look at my three little ones and I hope and dream that one or more are my sticky ones, then reality hits and I say would I not feel it! Pinch, cramp, do something! Let me know you are in there, let me know my dream is still alive!