Signs. Signs. Everywhere are signs.

Do you believe in signs? I am not 100% sure I do. I mean, through the years, I have had them before and obviously since I am writing a blog about adventures in the world of IVF those signs never panned out, but still I look and I wonder... maybe this time they DO mean something? I sure hope that they do anyway.

First, is somewhat silly. My horoscope and tarot card thing I have on face book. Each day they both tell me that change is about to happen, that fights will be won. Yesterday, it had something about some medical thing involving children. How dead on could horoscopes be?

Next. Ever since I could remember I have wanted a Christmas baby. I am not sure why exactly. How stressful to be a new mother right around the holidays? But how exciting to have that gift waiting for me "under the tree". Well I thought my chances of that were out when I first started this cycle. If I calculated my EDD with my regular cycle, all I could hope for was an early January baby. That all changed with the early arrival of AF though... now calculating I will have an EDD of December 27th! Of course, I am calculating using the first possible day of egg retrieval, and a number of things such as an early delivery could hamper the Christmas baby. But I am excited by the possibility.

Now, pushing the sign thing way over board... My birthday is November 8th. Scott's birthday is January 19th... Add 8 and 19 together and what do you have...27! See, told you I was pushing it!

So I would like to believe that everything is going my way and nothing could prevent this from working, except history of it not working. Which is a huge factor. But all I have to rely on now is hope and faith and medical miracles. Adding up signs is all I can do at this point. I think it keeps me from having a nervous breakdown? Somewhat.

I'm not sure I am ready for this

With all other cycles, I was prepared, maybe even over prepared for everything. I would arrange all my meds in little plastic baggies with the days marked on them and when I got down to 2 days left I would write "order more" on that days bag as soon as the big box of meds came to my door. I would count ahead the days until BCP ended and knew what day I would be going in for my first and even second u/s. I would schedule a "date night" with Scott the night before stims so we could have some great food and wine.

This time, when my big old box of meds came in, I had so much going on with Scott's dad I just took everything that needed refridgeration out and kept everything else to the side. After all I still had two plus weeks for things to calm down. Who knew that Aunt Flow decided to mess with my neat and orderly way of life and come knocking on my door four days early. What is she thinking? She should know I do not like to be caught off guard for anything.

So now I am a week ahead of schedule. I had to do my baggies this morning and as I was doing them the realization came over me that this is it! For quite some time at least, until we can figure out our finances. Could the timing not be more wrong? Scott's dad is awake and alert, quite a turn around from a couple of days ago, but he can not talk, walk or anything else. They have the breathing tube in his throat and he appears to not be struggling as much as when he was just on oxygen alone. But he is far from out of the woods. Scott and his family need to arrange for his transfer to a rehabilitation hospital and to hopefully get his lungs strong enough to be able to breath on his own. I pray every day when the phone rings that it is not because something with his dad went wrong.

I have asked Scott a few times if he was ready for this IVF cycle and he said that he needs to continue on with as much normalsy in his life as possible and sadly going to doctors and shooting up is normal in my household. So that is what we will do, and hope that God has room for one prayer from us.

I now circled the calander, the week of April 6th. Time to call my boss and arrange for last minute time off. Deep breathe and a prayer.

IVF Cycle # 3 starts tomorrow! eek!

My period arrived today, about 4 days early on cd24. I am so glad I had off of work, because I was not prepared for her arrive at all this afternoon! I went to the bathroom and had to look twice at what was going on - cd24?

So I call my nurse to report to her that it was cycle day 24, I mean cd1 and she told me she would have to check with the doctor to see if I should start stims tomorrow. About 4 hours later, she called. Stims will be starting, a week earlier then I thought. She also told me that occasionally estrace will make AF arrive a few days earlier.

So this is it. I am a week ahead of schedule. If I stim like I normally do, for 8-9 days I should have ER and ET by the 2nd week of April. Holy crap! I am so unbelievably nervous. This is it!

Scott's dad

It seems just when good news comes in, that bad news follows. Scott's dad had a good day the other day. His oxygen level was up, he was not agitated like he had been. Scott really thought it was a good sign. Then he went to the hospital the following day.

The doctor called them all in a room when he knew the whole family was there. His dad, it appears, may have suffered brain damage. They had weened him off of the morphine. He is sitting up with his eyes open, but is unresponsive to any commands. The nurse though he might have squeezed her hand but she was not sure. He does not shake his head or blink his eyes or anything else when asked.

The doctor also told them, that with his stage of chronic emphasima (sp) that even if he was responsive he would never be able to make it through heart surgery. Basically a heart attack waiting to happen.

He said that they needed to decide what to do. The choices were to refuse ressatation or to intubate him and transfer him to a rehabilitation hospital. If he did suffer brain damage, he may be able to get some functions back but would never be the same as he was before going into the hospital.

So my husband, his brothers and mother now have to make a decision no one should be forced to make. They are scouring FIL office in hopes that he may have a living will. Hopefully he does. I am not sure a person can make this kind of decision and not feel guilt either way. No son should be forced to watch his father suffer or end his suffering. Life is cruel.

Life without a computer

You don't really realize how much you rely on a keyboard and monitor until one morning you wake up and can not get it to turn on. I nearly cried on Sunday when it was gone. Monday, I watch John and Kate Plus eight for about 5 hours... walked my dog...cried a little out of boredom and did laundry. No Facebook, no Nest, no word games or reading others blogs... "What!!! It won't be fixed until Tuesday?" umm what do I do with another day. Watch Soaps. Clean the kitchen and bathroom. Look at my dog wondering why she is not sleeping on her computer room pillow.

Last night, Scott brought back my baby plugged it in and here I am again!! All my files are gone, we lost some pictures. But I at least am back to my daily routine and I really do not miss Port Charles one bit!

Some updates - Scott's dad is still in ICU. He has good days and bad. Yesterday was a good one, so we will stick with that for now. His oxegyn levels were normal. His blood presure stable. We just have to pray that each day stays like that and he starts to get stronger.

I started the estrogen. No side effects from that, thank goodness. I do have a cold, but am greatful it happened now rather then when I am stimming or after transfer. I do not need one more thing to blame if things don't turn out how they are supposed to. So I wait for the glorious sight of Aunt Flow, yes I did say glorious! This will be the last AF I have for nine plus months after all!

Things are looking up!

Although Scott's dad still is in the medicated sleep, and will be over the weekend, he is showing signs of improvement. His blood pressure has dropped back down to normal levels and his lungs are starting to clear some of the fluid from the infection (pneumonia). So the meds are working and doing their job!

Scott was in better spirits last night. It is good to see. He said it is scary to see the breathing machine doing all the work, but his dad looked more comfortable when he saw him yesterday. So comfortable that Scott wants to go to the wedding with me. My friend of 20 plus years is getting married tonight and when this all went down we agreed that if his dad was still in rough shape that I would go stag. I am happy that he will be attending with me. Hopefully he will be able to have a good time and forget about things for a nano second!

He also saw the big ole box of meds and asked when I would be starting. So we are a go for that as well! I continue to pray that everything keeps improving. A little better everyday!

My meds are here.

It is hard to be excited about the start of this cycle with everything that is going on around us. Should we delay? Is it selfish of me to continue on with life as it is while Scott's dad is so sick? I am still in the prep stages of IVF. I have to take estrace for at least a week while I wait for AF to arrive. Then I will have another 2 weeks, just about, of stims. You would think and only hope that Scott's dad will be out of the woods by then. Also, there is nothing for me to do. All I can do is continue to pray everything will be okay. Hug Scott each night and listen to his worries.
I remember a few weeks ago Scott's dad had one of his neices babies in his arms and he looked so happy, that is what I hope for my grandchildren and for him. I want to give him a grandchild.

A delay would not only mean another month of waiting. It would also mean I would have to repeat some testing since it has been a year since I had a hysterscopy. A requirement I need for insurance to cover their half. I rather not go through that if I could avoid it.

I am just hoping Scott's dad can clear the infection and have a successful surgery by Tuesday, my estrace start date, so all this is a none issue!