Okay so umm wow!

I pretty much convinced myself I wasn't. I even had a drink last night - oops! So this afternoon I was in a funk and thought I would just get the torture and the crying over with. I go to the store... buy a 3 pack of HPTs and a digital for good measure...

I come home and POAS to find this within 3 seconds:




I didn't have to squint or anything. It is just there. I AM PREGNANT. Of course I have looked at this thing every 2 seconds since to make sure I am not imagining things and it is still here. Two lines!

So I call Scott. I say I am pregnant he says "cool" then he says "I hope there is two or less in there" and the freak out has begun for him and the disbelief has begun for me. I can not wait until Wednesday for my Beta and I will probably POAS every second until then!

Symptoms: None. I have felt like every other cycle. The bloat never went away and usually it does in the second week. But other then that I feel like the person I always am on progesterone. Nothing would have convinced me I was pregnant. Nothing!

Bitterness and blame

I fight with this feeling everyday and I hate that I feel this way, but I do. I am angry at my sister. Perhaps it is overlapped childish jealousy? She is Dee and I am Dee's sister and that is how it was all through grammar school until our adult years where we moved away from each other and not very many people knew both of us to compare. She was always talented and successful in everything she has placed her hands on. I was not so much. I love her and I hate feeling this way and thought I got passed this jealousy shortly after high school when I found my own nitch in life. Funny how it comes raring it's ugly head 20 years later!

The comparison is our fight to parenthood. Seven years ago she dealt with infertility. She tried three rounds of Clomid with TI, then moved on to clomid with IUI. She was successful on her second try with that. Twin boys, born 3 weeks before my wedding. I was thrilled for her and love my nephews to peices.

Then, a year after I got married we figured we were dealing with infertility as well. We never used protection after the wedding, but never timed anything then started timing come the new year. Scott and I had the long talk about what to do. In his mind treatment equaled twins because all he had to look at was my sister. Scared of multiples we put off treatment and put it off some more until the 5 year mark when I convinced him two would be better then none. Reluctantly he agreed. I went for testing, discovered I had Hypothyroidism and once that was leveled out we started treatment. 6 years in.

So here I sit now. After a year of sticking myself with needles. Being a pro at egg retrievals and knowing far too much about embryos and blastocysts, much more then I thought I ever needed to know anyway, and still no child. Her twins are going to be 7 years old and that also marks the timeline of my struggle with IF.

Why? Why was this struggle quicker and easier on her? What did she do to deserve a BFP? Sure, I have had my moments, but I am generally a good person. I believe in karma and all of that. Why am I sitting her now wondering if the last shot we can afford will work and not holding my child(ren)? Why am I now thinking about a game plan to save enough money for a fourth rather then planning my trip to Disney World?

I blame myself as well. We should have never waited 5 years to look into why we were not getting pregnant. I blame my husband for not wanting treatment sooner. I blame the universe for allowing this. I blame God for not listening to my prayers. I blame myself for not having faith in who or whatever to make this possible for us.

Thank You!

With five days to go I wanted to write a sincere thank you to everyone who has read my blog and given me words of encouragement throughout this whole thing. It is amazing how much support you have all been for me through out all these years. You are always there for me to make me hope or to hope for me when I can't any longer. I do not always reply to your words, but with each one it brings a smile to my face!

I also want to give everyone an update on Scott's dad. He was moved within the last week to a rehab hospital. He can now speak through a voice machine, although mostly all he says is "take me home". He still has a long road ahead of him, but they are working with him to feed himself and eventually stand and walk. Hopefully one day we can take him home!

And that will be all. To test or not to test. I will not test today or tomorrow. I am going to the first Red Sox game of the year for me Sunday so it will fill the time. I will sit and not drink a beer and stuff myself with nachos and hot dogs and cracker jacks.

So that will bring me to Monday... 2 more days to go after that! Stick baby(s) - stick!

Okay so I lied!

I told myself to not obsess for the nine days and I did really well until last night. So I made it a whopping 3 days with out thinking too much about it. Now the weekend is here and along brings a whole lot of worries.

I do not feel anything. Nothing at all, like I have never felt anything. So I pretty much convinced myself that this is over. After years of doing this, you would think I would be so fine tuned into what my body was doing that I would feel something? I know, I know, some people do not feel anything and bam next thing they know they are looking at two lines, but that is not usually - or I should say never - the case for me.

I have flip flopped over an over about buying a HPT. I did a mad search in my bathroom cabinets this morning in hopes I had a left over one, but nope. I want to pee on something. But I drove by two drug stores and did not pull over, because I am afraid to put a definite end to this dream. Is 4 days past a 5 day transfer too soon anyway? Most likely.

I just hate this! I hate not knowing which way my life is heading. I want a vacation, I want to try one more time? I want a baby! I look at my three little ones and I hope and dream that one or more are my sticky ones, then reality hits and I say would I not feel it! Pinch, cramp, do something! Let me know you are in there, let me know my dream is still alive!

One day down

Yesterday I took comfort in knowing that my wait for beta would be shorter this time around. Scheduled at 9 days past transfer rather then the 14 days past I had to wait the last two times. But today, the day has dragged by. Maybe it is because I have been home for two days straight and limiting the amount of stuff I do. You can only stare into a computer screen or TV for so long before your mind wanders to the possibility. I go back to work tomorrow, and will be working 5 days straight until Monday, so maybe that will help kill some time? Probably not.

I did the usual comparisons online with my blast pictures and those on line and I must say they look pretty good. Of course I am not a lab tech and I am looking at a very poor quality picture, but from my untrained eye they do look good.

The progesterone is starting to kick in. I took a nap yesterday afternoon and then was tired again by 10pm last night. I slept until about 9am this morning and I am tired again now at 2pm. Other then that I am not feeling any other progesterone symptoms.

I probably will not be writing much to the blog until Beta day. I am trying to not let this have a hold on my life as much as possible. I will not test before that day and will only do so after I return home from the blood draw so I am not caught off guard with the call. I will not read into symptoms because that has done nothing for me in the past. I finally accept the fact that I have no more control over the outcome of this. It either is going to work or not. Next Wednesday we will find out!

All in!

So I got the news on Saturday that I would be going in for a 5 day transfer come monday. I asked about the embryos and the quality and all the nurse could tell me is that I did have some to transfer, she did not have any information other then that. So it was a long weekend. I could have one or two or I could have three or four? What if I only had one and it arrests over the weekend?
I jumped from one worse case scenario to the next pretty much every hour I was awake.

Then finally Monday morning came! I got up at 7am to shower and get dressed and wait for Scott to do the same. We didn't have to leave the house until 9am but I wanted to be ready. Then I turned my cell on to see if there were any messages: None - good! I got my bottle of water and started drinking, then packed another to drink on the way. Finally 9am came and we were out the door.

We got to the clinic at about 9:40, there was less traffic then I thought there would be. We sat in the car and listened to the radio for a few minutes, but I was getting antsy and needed to go in. So in we went. I checked in then I waited and waaaiited. Not only did I need to know what was going on with my embryos, but I needed to pee!

At about 10:10 they came and got me. Scott and I both got dressed or in my case, undressed and we waited some more. I wish they realized that waiting for an embryo report is bad but waiting with an overly full bladder is horrendous!

At about 10:30 the doctor who was doing the transfer came to introduce herself, I still have no clue what her name is! She then told me about the embryos... 1 is and expanded blastocyst. 2 are blastocysts and one arrested on day3. I had THREE! She then asked if I still wanted to go with the game plan of transfering all three. I hesitated. Three, oh my, I never imagined having three! Then Scott out of no where said "All in!!" I agreed, this might be our last shot after all, might as well make it all or nothing!

We then went back into the transfer room, I got pictures of my blasts - that is right I have Blasts! I asked the embryologist about their quality and she said they all looked great with lots of cell division. The doctor then came in and was really great with the transfer. She was making small talk through the whole thing. Next thing I knew she was pointing to the screen and said "You see that white blob right there? That is your embryos" She also told me that things could not have gone better!

I can not even remember going to the bathroom, getting dressed or the ride home. I am just in a complete state of shock that right now I am housing not one or two but three perfect little blastocysts! Please little ones stick, Please! (Oh and when I write that I freak a little because heaven help us if ALL of them stick!)

The longest days...

It has been the longest day ever and it is only 7:30 in the morning. I hate Fridays to begin with because work is super slow. Add to it that I am waiting for tomorrow for potentially life altering news and the clock ticks very slowly. How can you not think about it, when there is nothing to distract you from thinking about it?

Four. We were hoping to transfer three. What are the chances that all four will be good in 5 days? What are the chances that even two out of the four will be? I want to think positively, I really do but I am so afraid to get my hopes up. What if I answer that phone tomorrow and she tells me none made it or they are all horrible quality, what then?

We were thinking about transferring over my frozen embryo and thawing it to add to the total. When I found out it would cost about $2000, on top of the IVF cost, to thaw and add it in with this cycle, I declined and decided to just go with the ones we had. Saving that for a FET. Prolonging our chances by one more cycle, if this one didn't work.

I feel at this point like I have gone all in. You know the point of the Texas Hold 'em game where there is a hush over the crowd and the poker player stands up and takes off his hat and cut to a commercial break...This is just a 5 day long commercial.