Egg Retrieval and doubts

I had my egg retrieval yesterday. They had me trigger Monday night at 1am for a 1pm retrieval on Wednesday. I triggered at 1am on the dot. The instructions were for Scott to produce his sample before coming in. He did at about 11am and then we took the 45 minute ride into the clinic with me holding his sperm under my arm pit the whole way.

We got there at about noon and they waited until 12:15 to call me back to the waiting area where I got changed into a gown and waited. At about 1pm the retrieval doctor that day came out and told me they were running a bit behind, but they will come get me shortly. Then the nurse came by 5 minutes later. We asked if the sperm would be okay waiting all this time, since Scott was here he could produce a new sample if necessary. We want our boys as fresh as possible. The nurse assured me they did this all the time, and if andrology thought they needed another sample he would be called. So we waited some more.

At about 1:30 I was brought back to the OR. The anesthesiologist started the IV and next thing I know I was back in the holding area and asking how many eggs I had. The nurse said "they are still counting them" To which I thought "wow, maybe there is a lot"

She had me eat crackers and drink some ginger ale then got Scott from the waiting area. Still no word on my eggs at that point. She told me the doctor would come and speak to me in a minute. Why would a doctor need to speak to me? At the old clinic a doctor never came and spoke to someone after retrieval. Does that mean they want to gently tell me they got no eggs? It is amazing all the fear that runs through your head when no one is telling you anything.

So about 15 minutes goes by, the nurse comes again to get me dressed and then tells me the doctor is doing an egg transfer and can not talk to me. She tells me I have 6 eggs and that was what they were hoping for. But I had 9 follicles, why would you not hope for 9? She said it is common for some follicles to be empty. That never happened to me before? Each time I had eggs for each follicle I had and with my last one, some were even hiding.

So now I am doubting my choice to switch clinics. My last clinic always got my follicles. Every single one I had. Was the fact they ran so late a contributing factor? Did some eggs release before I was brought back to ER? I know there is nothing I can do at this point. I got the fertilization report this morning and four out of the six fertilized. My only hope now is to pray for those four to grow at the rate that they should and I can transfer them back home on Monday. I will get another report Saturday morning. Grow little ones, grow!

The quest for a cup

So it was news to me that this clinic preferred men to produce their samples at home on the day of ER. I read through all the paperwork three times, and no where does it give you a clue that this was how it was done. So I assumed, just like the first clinic, H would go in a 1/2 hour before me, go into a dark seedy room with porno from the 80's and do his thing. Nope, I found out that is not how it is done here yesterday when it was time to trigger.

"Where do you get a sterile cup" I asked. The nurse said "Any pharmacy would have them and if not come to to us tomorrow and pick one up." Well you are 45 minutes away, I thought. So no I will not be coming to you.

So, this afternoon I made it my quest to find one. Wal.greens - nope "Check the pharmacy down the street" the pharmacist said. The pharmacy down the street "What do you need it for? A pregnancy test?" Not exactly "Semen sample" I whispered, so the little old lady behind me could not hear. "OH oh, nope we don't have one of those"

And then my third Right Aid... "You have sterile cups?" Pharmacist "Check the first aid section" WHAT?

So I give up! I do not need this stress the day before ER. Scott will be going to visit his dad later at the hospital, he will ask one of the nurses if they have one. If not, sorry but H will have to do the deed in one of their examining rooms. We do not have a choice at this point! Maybe that will be a lesson to them to let people know to pick up a cup ahead of time!

And we're off!

I went in this morning to visit the vag cam. She saw 9 follicles over 12mm and then the u/s tech told me they will call later with instructions and sizes. So I spent the day like I do most days of vag cam visits, waiting for the phone to ring. And I waited and waited and then waited some more. Finally at 3:45 I called and left a message with my nurse. She called me right awat and told me that I would be triggering tonight, but they were still working ona schedule and will call me back with the time.

So I waited some more...

4:55 I get a call from a girl with spoke as though I was a second grader. Really slow and deliberate and annoying. "Take--your--shot, the--Ovidrel, at--1 am. You--need--to--take--it--on--time--so--make--sure--you--set--an--alarm--so--you--don't--fall--asleep--and--miss--it." Yep gotcha!

Then I asked what my E2 was and I felt like I was talking to a second grader "One thousand eighty-eight. I mean one thousand eight eight. Umm Thousandeight" Okay "You had a great rise and 9 measurable follicles" So I *think* she meant Eighteen hundrend and eight. That is a lot closer to my E2 last cycle, and my follicle count is pretty similar as well. So a decent response from my old and battered ovaries. I am happy and hopeful that we will get the same amount of eggs as last time with the one difference of there being a rock star in this bunch.

So I have to be in at noon on Wednesday. I am glad I can sleep in a bit. Scott is glad he gets to produce his sample at home with this clinic. Maybe his sperm will be happy with that as well? I will be most happy if two weeks from Wednesday I see two lines and of course, first thing first, I get some really good eggs this time. Ones that want to stick with me for a very long time!

Eureka!

After the nurse told me I could not come in on Saturday I was in a bit of a funk. I called my sister, a lawyer, and asked if I could sue if for reasons known to me (lack of monitoring) this cycle would get canceled. I didn't want monetary gain, just replacement for the money I would be out for all the drugs. She, with sisterly love, told me I was nuts and it would be more trouble then it was worth. She also told me that maybe, just maybe the doctor knew something more then me with my internet degree in infertility. Hmm.

Maybe he does know more then me, I sure hope he does. But I do know how my body worked for two past cycles, something he does not know because he just met me. So I hung up the phone with her and called my husband and then my mother for more of a bitch session. Both of them tried to calm me down. Both of them failed - what is the big deal about one extra ultrasound?

I then took a nice calming walk with my dog in the rain. When I got home, there was a voice mail. It was my nurse, she explained how she misunderstood the message and it was fine that I come in on Saturday - EUREKA!

So I woke up bright and early this morning to make the 40 minute trek in for blood work and an u/s. I asked this time. I am done not thinking. I have a 16mm, two 15's, a 14 and a 13. Most of them on my left ovary, which is weird since normally my right side is more dominant. She also said I have a "few" smaller ones, smaller to them is under 12mm. So basically I am cruising along just as I did for IVF #2.

So I wait for my phone call with further instructions. No doubt I WILL be on Ganirelex tonight. Score one for the internet doctors out there! I am also guesstimating that I will trigger on Monday for a Wednesday ER... we will see if that pans out.

Ugg

I am reading yesterdays entry and I am kind of chuckling how things can change from calm to panic in less then three hours. That's what it took me anyway. I got the call with instructions at about 2pm yesterday and all that not thinking stopped. As a matter of fact, I even have a headache from all the thinking I have been doing since that point.

My instructions. Stay on the same dose and come back Sunday. Sunday is 3 days away. In all my previous IVFs I have triggered on either a Sunday or Saturday... What? I am on Ganirelix this cycle. Last cycle I needed to start those shots on a Friday. With my last clinic, they had me coming in every other day until I reached the point of adding in Ganirelex. So to wait three days, what if something should happen.

Should I blindly trust the new doctor? If I do and I am right, then I will be out $4000 in meds. It is not his money on the line. The last bit of money we have for quite some time.

So I called and spoke to the nurse. She told me my E2 was at 247 and that it is not unreasonable that the doctor does not want to see me until Sunday. But she will also check to see if he will let me come in a day sooner for peace of mind. Of course, she calls me back today and says he most likely will add the Ganerelix on Sunday after my u/s then and he wants to keep the same appointment.

My first instinct - I much rather have way to many u/s and blood draws then too few, but then I wonder what if my last clinic added it in too soon and that is what caused my cycle to fail with all those crappy eggs? Shouldn't my doctor know by now what he is doing? This is only my 3rd one, but he has done this thousands of times. But out of the thousands of times, has he had to cancel any of them because he was not quick enough and an egg released?

In the IVF package, they warn you that cancellation is a possibility. I can not have that possibility happen to me. So being proactive could prevent that and that is what I want. IF I should not add Ganirelex in until Sunday night, I will send a box of cookies to my doctor and bow to his knowledge... If I need it before then and this cycle is canceled I swear I will go postal, but it is not in my control at this point. I need to have faith, it is just so hard to have that faith.

Is knowledge power?

I went for my first stim check with my new clinic. I was nervous because although I am the stim check pro I had no idea what they did at this clinic. With my last clinic, you sign in using your first name and last name initial and sit and wait, either the blood person calls you or the u/s nurse comes to get you. Who ever grabs you first. Turns out, it is pretty close to that at this clinic as well. I sign in and check which procedures I need done and then when it is slow because you are the last appointment of the day, they fight for who gets to get you first... The blood won today.

What was uncomfortable for me at this clinic is that they have you go into the restroom that is adjasent to the u/s room, empty your bladder and take off your clothes from the waste down there. Then you are instructed to drape yourself with the very flimsy paper "sheet" and walk into the u/s room with the u/s tech sitting there waiting for you. My last clinic had you change in the room, hop on the table drape yourself and then the u/s tech would come in...Somehow hopping up on a table while someone is waiting for you, with nothing on except a see through peice of paper can be nerve racking. But I got through it, and I am sure after three or four of these I will not think about it much at all.

Next was the ultrasound, with my last clinic they had a doctor doing them. He or she (based on who was the grunt that day) and I would both look at the screen and he would read off the measurements of my lining and each follicle in my ovaries to the nurse who was in the room taking notes. I would have a clear understanding every time I went in there of how many I had, how big and everything else. Also, I got pretty damn good at knowing what I was looking at on the screen and could see the three strips of my lining and the large and small follicles. I enjoyed looking.

Here, the screen was not in sight and the woman did not say a word except to tell me to press on my stomach. She said they do not measure anything smaller then 12mm (my last clinic measured everything above 10mm). She did not give me a count but did say I had a "bunch" in my left ovary, all under 12mm and a couple on the right that were 12mm. Then "okay you are all set, you will get a call this afternoon".

As I sat up from the table, I started to say "how many" and I stopped myself. Is knowing going to help? Will I compare this cycle to last? Will having one more or two less make or break this cycle? Last cycle I had eleven, six more then my previous cycle and still the results were the same. Even if I had twelve or thirteen, I would still come home today and still take my shot and still pray for a miracle. What if I only had five? I would come home, freak out a little, but still wait for the call and take my shot and pray for that miracle.

So I just got up, hoped that little flimsy peice of paper was covering my back side and left. Knowledge will not change anything, so it has no power. For today at least.

How do you keep hope alive

How do you keep hope alive?

I feel like I am going through the motions with this cycle. Wake up, take shot..wake up take shot. I am not even excited to see how many follies I have tomorrow. Because how many follies I have does not mean squat, really.

I thought the change in RE would give me some hope and it did at first, but now I am not feeling hopeful at all. I am almost living in a constant anxiety attack state where I can not catch my breath, I feel sick to my stomach. I'm afraid of hoping because I am afraid to be crushed in the end.

I would like to say this cycle is different, but what is different really? It is still me crappy body producing crappy eggs. Change of scenery does not change that.

Blah