Things that make you wonder...

For several years my period has been light. 2-3 days at the most and not really any need to change a pad, if I didn't want to (sorry if tmi). As the years went on sometimes I would have cycles where I only had one day of full flow, and one of spotting. My FSH levels are normal for my age - 8.0. When I ask my Dr. about my cycles she says that is not an indication really of anything, more likely because I am getting older... But I am so concerned about egg quality. Something they really can not pin point until IVF and they see my eggs up close and personal.

As all of this moves on, I start wondering about it more and more. With all of my IUIs I really did not get a super responce. One mature, three mature and then two mature - all of them on the smallish side before trigger, I don't think I ever had one above 17. Again, my Dr. said all my IUIs went great. But for some strange reason, I don't think they did - maybe because the results were the same as the past 5 years... nothing!

I wish I could learn to just relax through all of this and not analyze every little thing my body does. I guess those days are long gone!

And away we go...

My period arrived right on schedule today. So what does that mean? It means I had a melt down this morning. I was so afraid to call my nurse for birth control. I almost didn't!

Something I have wanted and waited and jumped through hoops for months FINALLY comes and I freak out. I guess it is normal to be so ready for a step, but so afraid to actually take it. But, after a few tears I made the call.

Now I sit and wait for the return call to tell me when to start taking the birth control, which from what I have seen from various sites should be around cd3 or so... Which will be friday. The day I get the rest of my protocol.

*Deep breath*

Well breaths were taken and by the time my nurse called I was excited to learn I will be starting birth control pills tomorrow! Then the IVF nurse will call either Friday afternoon or Monday to go over the rest of the protocol once the Dr.s discuss everything.

Even though there was a two month delay with everything because of insurance, now I feel as though it is going sooo fast. I was almost sure I was not going to start until September because I needed to wait for approval. The finacial coordinator assured me she would push things through as fast as she could. I doubted her. Surprise - she did!

Wow - I have no words other then WOW! This is it!

Travel

Scott and I love to travel. We just got back from our official last vacation a week ago. Nothing special, just a trip out to Santa Monica to visit my sister and see a Red Sox game in Anehiem. We will not be able to afford any thing else in the near future because now all our "fun money" is going towards IVF.

So, a friend of ours got back from a vacation in Europe last week as well. We saw her last night and she excitedly told us about her trip and was showing us pictures. Scott turns to me and says "if we don't have a baby, I think we should go to France and England for our next vacation"
My heart sunk. Like a consolation prize to not having a baby would be to travel to Europe. Then I think about it some more and I always wanted to go to Paris, and I get excited. Then feel guilty for feeling excited. That maybe travel could be a consolation prized I could live with... ?

So many mixed emotions. We have a few shots at IVF and I want to remain positive, but if I do will I be heart broken? Maybe I should start researching Europe and put so much energy into that, like I have with having a baby so then that can be my big disappointment when it doesn't come true - Does that make sence?

But then I think at least with Europe, we could go in 18 or 19 years, with having a baby if it does not happen now we are out for good. There is no turning back.

My ideal trip would be to Disney World with my little princess or pirate! That is what I really want. Not some consolation prize. Ugg!

update already

Well things happen pretty quick around here. I was not sure if I would be able to start BCP with the start of my next cycle because the IVF board did not review my case yet. BUT I spoke to my new nurse coordinator and was told to give her a call on CD1 and she would have the Dr. call in my BCP perscription so I would not have to wait an extra month!

So here we go. I didn't ever think I would be happy to get my period ever again, but now I can not wait for it to get here. She is expected to arrive any day now!

I can not even explain how nervous and excited I am all at the same time! It is here!!!

My first post

So here I am, I decided to join the blogging IF crowd and share my daily goings of infertility and IVF and the hopes and dreams I have of being a mommy one day. People say it is theraputic. So that is what I am hoping for. I probably will not share this blog with friends or family, just everyone in the IF community. It is for me and me alone to get thoughts out. If someone should happen to stumble on it, I am cool with that but I doubt I will be sharing the link with anyone, so they will have to dig hard to find it.

So where am I, basically waiting to start the IVF process. I got insurance approval last week and now I am waiting to hear from the clinic to see if I would get the IVF boards approval. Hopefully this will all happen before my period arrives so I can just jump right on birth control without having to wait for another cycle.

I put the call into my nurse coordinator today to see where we were at and got a huge shock... Carol no longer works for the clinic so now Pam is my new coordinator. I loved Carol, she was always quick to get back to me. Now I sit and wait, going on 3 hours for Pam... I really am hoping this is not a sign of things to come. Trying to remain patient. But patience is not my strong suit.

Yesterday I was at Costco and there was a ton of babies. Two set of twins. Most all girls. Sometimes I take things like this as signs - a hopeful sign... Plus a butterfly has been hanging around my front yard now since we got back from vacation! Here is to hope and faith and miracles!