I am home, Dillon is not and guilt

I was released yesterday. I am still sore but doing better each day.

Dillon is getting better as well. He went from being on a respirator the first day to breathing 100% room air since. He needed lights, mostly because of all the bruising on his face. They say his kidneys will need to work overtime to fix the broken capillaries and by placing him on lights it helps prevent jaundice. Last night they took him off and are hopeful he can stay off, but will test him each day. He prefers the lights off. He loves being swaddled and is a lot more calmer now then what he was for the past two days.

He has begun eating formula, I had made the decision to exclusively formula feed far before he was born and now that I can not be there with him all day, I am glad I did make that decision. He needs to bulk up and learn to feed before he is released so this will help. He ate 16cc last night and is a champion drinker!

Finally, he is on day 3 of a 7 day course of antibiotics that are given through IV. They ran additional testing to make sure there are no signs of infections. If that comes back negative, he will be off the IV Saturday and if he continues to do well, he may be coming home to us by this weekend.

Now that I am home without him I feel this incredible sense of guilt. I need to wait for a ride to the hospital because I can not drive myself. My dad will take me in but he needs to work until noon each day. So all morning long I have been struggling with not being there for my child. I also feel guilty because I do not even really feel as though he IS mine right now. Like I am some babysitter going in for 2 hour shifts here and there. I have not had much bonding time with him and need more, but am not sure when I can get more. It is so incredibly hard. Harder then I imagined.

When I was in the hospital, I was looking forward to real food and a real shower and bed. Now that I am here, I would give anything to be just 3 floors up from him and an elevator ride away.

I am not sure how mothers of 24-25 week preemies can make it through the months of torture this one day has been. I am hoping it will get easier as the days pass and that he will be home soon.