My Someday is now!

Wow

2011-01-03T16:45:00.002-05:00

Well Dillon is one year and I have slacked completely with this blog. Mostly because I know the majority of followers were because of infertility and the last thing they need is to read about a baby and how he coos, smiles and keeps me up all night.

On the coo front, for those who are curious... Dillon is amazing and learns so much each day. He has 4-5 words. Can almost walk, but is afraid to let go. And gets into almost everything with a little mischievous grin. I never knew this love and my heart beams each day.

For the reason I am posting. Now. I was reading a fellow blog, someone who got pregnant the same time as me. Someone who like me, was 1 and done. Someone like me who had given up the possibility of becoming pregnant without the aid of fertility treatment. And someone unlike me who just discovered she was miraculously pregnant with a surprise BFP.

It hurt.

It brought up many more emotions then I thought I had inside. I thought I was over this all. I thought I could live very happily spoiling my little man. Giving him all the love I could give 3 children. I cried as I read her blog.

I am thrilled for her. She is the miracle that we all want to be. In the same vane, I think why not me. Then I kick myself saying HELLO you are tired as is, imagine 2 kids. Then I look at all the girl clothes...

Maybe I am not ready to be one and done. But I need to be ready to be one and done. I was thinking about asking my OB for a seasonal pill because I hate getting periods, and let's face it why go through with monthly PMS when there is no need to. But now I am not convinced I should do that.

I was so sure, and now I am no longer sure. I want a miracle too. Why not me?

Dillon is 8 month old

2010-08-07T08:10:00.007-04:00

It has been quite a while since I have updated this blog. New motherhood has changed my habits and I barely get on line these days. I am doing some things for extra money, so we can afford a vacation to California next summer and that take up a lot of my free time.

Dillon has been going to swimming classes at the YMCA. I can't say he is learning how to swim, but he is learning how to enjoy the water and be comfortable with it. It is like a mommy and me class, but in water. He does love it and most classes he gets upset when they are over.
He got his bottom teeth in and now are working on the top. We still have not moved on to anything but purees, partly because I am uncomfortable and partly because he doesn't seem ready. He gags with anything I have ever placed in his mouth. Anything I give him he just plays with and then throws on the ground for the dog. So I will try again when he is 9 months old. I am in no rush and he doesn't seem to be either.
He got his foot check out and he has flat feet, but the one that was slightly crooked seemed to have straightened out. There is some question about his hip and we need a repeat X-ray in September, but the doctor seems to think it will correct itself like his foot did.
He isn't doing much crawling. He will try to when on the sofa, but when he is on the ground he hates being on his stomach. He does everything in his power do not stay on his stomach for long. He does scoot on his butt in a sitting position. Usually around in circles or a couple of inches to the front. My guess is he will skip crawling and go right to walking. Who knows he may surprise me.

It all is going by so fast, he is almost 4 times his birth weight and is so big and cute and has such a personality. I can almost picture him a year from now. He maybe a little terror lol.
Here are a couple of pictures I will leave you off with. I hope to find the time to up date again soon. Take care!

We all had a fabulous time!

2010-05-17T11:39:00.002-04:00

The christening went off with out any major hitches. His Godfather was late, but that is because his mother insisted he go by her house before. He is not sure why and neither are we, since she was going with her other son and her house is about 20 minutes out of the way. So he gunned it to the church leaving them somewhere behind. They showed up about 10 minutes into the ceremony.

Next, mother in law asks the priest loudly "I know it is a pain in the ass, but can you sign his baptism book"... in church, with 3 other babies and their families being christened. I guess she will be having to go to confession for swearing. Then she of course needed to be with her grandson the WHOLE time. So when we got back to the hall and I was greeting guests, she was hovering over me and him in the car seat. Back off lady!! Let me get him out. I politely told her I was bringing him around to everyone but promised she could have him back. Then the daggers started as everyone wanted Dillon time and she was pouting in the corner that she could not hold "her baby". Ugg!!! She sees him once a week. It is not like she has not seen him in months. Let me take him around to friends who are there to meet him and see him, some people for the first time.

The party went really smoothly. Everyone loved the food. The kids had a great time dancing and some parents too! I am glad I did have the big party as everyone was so excited to spend time with Dillon and he loved the attention, dancing and being bounced around from person to person. I think he will be a mayor one day! He was all smiles. I am hoping someone will send me a pic of with him smiling because every time I get the camera out he gets the "what's that" look on his face.

But it was exhausting too! We all crashed when we got home. Dad on the sofa. Dillon in his crib and mom had the for site to go to bed. I slept from 7pm until 6:30 when Dillon woke me up (he slept just as long). He is now down for his second nap today, I think he is still wiped. I am recovering, slowly!

Sunday is his big day!

2010-05-11T13:02:00.003-04:00

RSVPs are in, well most of them. 80 people yes, 5 who I have not yet heard from and 30 no's. Most of the no's are Scott's family as I told you about in an earlier post. Oh well.

So menus is set. I just have to run around later in the week to order the cake, finish making the favors (small little jars of blue and white M&Ms) and making some cheese and cracker trays and other little appetizers. I have to decorate the hall the night before, after I get out of work. I am looking forward to seeing all my family and friends enjoying Dillon. He loves hustle and bustle - so he should enjoy everyone around as well.

His outfit is perfect! I think he grew an inch since he last tried it on, so it should fit great. The church is set and the Godparents are all ready with their confirmation certificates. I am excited for my little guy and his first big event.

Of course I will post pictures next week sometime!

As for my little guy. He is eating up his solids. He loves most of them except pears and applesauce. He is about to turn over. He goes side to side when he is on his back - but has no desire to go the whole way yet. He tries to turn off his stomach, he just doesn't have all the strength he needs yet to get all the way over. He is a happy guy. Smiles and laughs a lot - except when the camera is in his face, then he gets the look of "What's that" when ever we try to take his picture. One day I will catch him off guard!

Mother's day was incredible. Scott got me a beautiful charm bracelet with the first charm being a heart with Dillon's birthstone in it. It came in a little jewelry box with "World's best mom" engraved in it. We went out for brunch and it was the first time I didn't feel uncomfortable with all the kids around with their parents. It was finally my turn.

A friend from work also gave me a flower and wished me a happy first mothers day. So sweet of him.

And that is all for now. Sorry my updates are few and far between.

Fertile versus Infertile

2010-04-28T12:58:00.002-04:00

To me the two words are not insulting. Infertility is a medical diagnoses. Fertile is the lack of the medical diagnosis and the ability to get pregnant relatively easily.

I was a bit shocked that people got a bit up in arms over the use of the two words.

I am not sure if they were just trying to pick my words apart to have something to argue about, or the issue is real. The message board I posted it on is infamous for picking words apart.

So what is your take?

IMO, it is like when Aunt Mildred used to talk about cancer and whisper it. Or erectile dysfunction and Viagra used to get giggles until we were blasted with commercials making it an everyday topic of conversation (I will not tell you about the bar conversation with a customer and how he is having the best sex of his life since going to the doctor).

So why not use the words? Is it THAT horrible to say infertile?

So much for that!

2010-04-26T07:40:00.003-04:00

Well, you all know how I debated about doing a small, just immediate family member dinner after the christening. Then Scott and I got to talking and with all the bad things going on in his family the past year (both his aunt and his dad passing away) he and I thought having a fun family gathering was in order for a change.

Well - turns out that none of his family except is brothers and mom seem to want to come! I haven't heard from one of his uncles yet, but I am assuming he would be a no too.

I guess I shouldn't over think it. May is a busy time. But in comparison, my aunt changed vacation plans to be able to come. That is just how my family is. Plus none of his side has found time to even meet Dillon yet. Another one of my aunts was banging on the NICU door hoping to get in (the NICU had restrictions to just parents inside). Then she called daily until we could arrange for her to come by the house when he was home.

I guess families are just different and I should accept that. I just feel badly that the place will be filled with my relatively huge family and Scott will only have a half a table filled with his side. He is fine with it, so I should be too -I just hoped for him to show of his boy like the proud daddy he is. Eventually I am sure his family will want to meet him. I guess not in May though. Maybe before he turns 1?

So RSVPs have been trickling in. All in all not a bad turn out. I am the one with the huge family, so even with all the no's from his side I still have 39 yeses (that does not include children - so about 50 total). I still have 2 weeks until the RSVP cut off date.

His christening outfit arrived. It is perfect!! He is still a little short for the pants and I am hoping he will grow another inch in the next month so I don't have to roll the pants. Mr Shorty!

As a side note, I am aware of the Asian man who spams the comments of my blog with links to a porn site. I am sorry for anyone who stumbled upon it like I did. I am contacting blogger and trying to get him removed. I would rather not have to privatize my blog because of this asshat. Until I figure out something - please do not click on his link and I will remove his comments as soon as I see them.

4 month appointment

2010-04-22T10:06:00.002-04:00

Dillon had his four month appointment. He is looking wonderful! Height - 24 inches, weight 14.2 pounds and for the life of me I can not remember his head circumference. He was all smiles and giggles for the doctor. Until the nurse came with his shots. His face turned beat red and he let out a huge scream. He settled down pretty easily after a hug and a few kisses and then went to sleep for 4 hours!!!

He has been eating solids for a couple of weeks. He really is not a fan of cereal. He eats some, but has the "ick face" the entire time. Sweet potatoes are so-so, squash is alright, bananas are the grossest thing in the world to him. He spits those out and cries! But PEAS - peas are the greatest thing ever. He eats them with a huge smile on his face. Strange kid. LOL

He is sitting up almost unsupported lately. He can hang on for quite a while with just my hand on his side so he doesn't topple over. He still has made no moves towards turning over. But he scoots on his back to where he wants to be when he is on the floor. One day I was cleaning so left him on his playmat for a bit. When I came back he was 1/2 a room away from the playmat near another toy. Since then he has done it often.

My car is dead. Waiting for the cadillac ? converter to be fixed. I am not a happy camper with this one, since I have only owned the car for 6 months. People shouldn't have 1300 in repairs on a car they are still paying off. Of course, conveniently the car dealer we got it from couldn't find anything major wrong with it until AFTER the used car warranty was up. I had taken it back a couple of times the first couple of months we owned it. The engine light went on and "oh it was just a code"... Next month, same thing but that time they found a loose wire or something... and finally major problem now. I posted a complaint on their website. I am looking for car ads online they have so I can leave my experience for everyone to see... but other then that I have no recourse. Except to be pissed.

It has been a year

2010-04-13T07:51:00.002-04:00

I meant to post something on the day Dillon was conceived marking the anniversary of the end of my long journey. I got caught up in working overtime and dealing with a teething and grumpy 4 month old instead.

I wanted to post the pictures of the three embryos I had transfered back into me. Turns out they are gone. The day of my transfer last year, I took the picture and tucked it away. The picture of the embryos were always so hard to look at after a failed cycle. I figured I would save myself from that pain if I just hid them. Apparently, I hid them pretty well. They are no where to be found now. We cleared out the office when we were putting the nursery together. Threw out a lot of things collecting dust. One might have been the book I tucked the photos into.

So the first picture of Dillon is missing. But I have Dillon and all 100 u/s pictures starting at week 7 and ending two days before his birth. I guess that is more then "normal" parents have. So I will take it.

I can not believe the ending of my long and winding road brought me here. It is challenging at times. I am tired beyond belief and there is no relief as it always catches back up to you. But I am over the moon happy. Happier then I imagined I could be. When he smiles at me. When he laughs. When he grips onto my shirt and won't let go. That is worth the million tears I shed.

One year off the road of heartbreak. One year. Yet so many people I traveled with are still on the road. I am not sure if any of you still read this blog. I know I wouldn't be had I still been on the road you are on. If you do, know you are still in my heart. Know I think of you daily. Follow you, sometimes silently on the Infertility boards. I wish your year next year will be filled with tons of u/s pictures, smiles, baby laughs and grips of your shirt. Don't ever give up!

Done...well almost

2010-04-10T08:09:00.002-04:00

So my first big party as a mommy is almost set up. And I went overboard. I admit it. What started off as simple snowballed and then kept gaining speed as it went down the hill.

From a casual meal with 15 of our closest family to now 120 invited guests, a buffet meal and now a DJ. So much for saving money having a party.

The purpose of the DJ. I just did not know how else to keep 100 people entertained for 3-4 hours. And shouldn't they have more to do then gush over a baby when they come? Or shouldn't I have a buffer so I didn't have to go around and be the hostess with the mostest the entire time.

So as the weeks went on I was going back and forth. Then 2 nights ago, I saw an old friend of mine who used to DJ for fun. I asked him how much he could do an afternoon party for. The price, not bad, but not great for what he would do - basically play an iPod and use big speakers. So I told him I would think about it. Then last night, when I worked I asked the DJ at the bar how much she would charge. She told me her price - ouch! So I said no, I had someone who offered me a lower price, but I rather he not do the party... Then she did what I was not expecting her to do... she met me at the price the iPod guy gave me. Score!

She is really entertaining. She will teach line dances. Her husband does singing. And basically get the crowd moving, which at 1pm in the afternoon - they may need help with.

Of course, now that she is booked - I am second guessing the DJ altogether. Did I go overboard? What is your opinion? If I am nuts, I put a poll in so you can vote. My thought is he is my one and only child. Seven years of praying for him. I might as well enjoy this.

To break it down cost wise:

To go out to dinner with just the Godparents and immediate family, 15 of us total, we estimated it to cost about $500-$600.

The cost of the party - 120 people invited, estimating about 80 people show. Buffet, DJ, hall rental = $500.

So we didn't save money. But we get more bang for the buck. Plus family who have yet to meet Dillon can now come down and meet him. Friends can celebrate with me. Have a good time. Eat, drink and be merry.

Ha... now my fear is that everyone will have plans that weekend and I will be stuck with a hall, food and a DJ and only 30 people who could make it. LOL wouldn't that be funny!

MISSING: Sucky the Ducky - reward if found

2010-04-06T09:01:00.002-04:00

Sunday was hectic. I just got through working two busy and hectic nights at work. I was functioning on 10 hours of sleep in two day and of course we had to do the Easter rounds and then I had to go to work again that night.

First stop. Grammy and Grandpa's and then Brunch with my sister and her sons. Get Dillon all decked out in his Easter gear. Show him what the bunny brought him the night before - a bunny-bear. He was not impressed. Then I pack his bag. Change of clothes, diapers, bottles. Sucky the ducky - a Wubanub : a soothie with a stuffed duck. He can not nap without him - it is like an instant off switch b.

We do our thing. Brunch was great. Dillon is fasinated by his cousin Connor and just watches his youthful energy and smiles. We go back to my mom's house and gifts are exchanged for the kids. Grammy got him a Mickey Mouse lovey that Dillon loves and his aunt got him a pair of bunny slippers. Cute.

Then dad gets him ready to go to Grandma's house for dinner. I head off to work. Scott tells me Dillon did great at grandma's, was up the entire time and then when he put him in hte carseat to go home he conked out for the entire night!

Next morning we awake, do our morning thing. Then comes nap time. Umm sucky ducky, where are you. Not in the diaper bag. Not in his crib or swing or sofa or coffee table. No where. Missing. Gone. Oh no. Dillon is NOT liking this. I am not either. So I have to resort to swaying and rocking and everything I can do to get him to sleep. Eventually he doses off an hour later. Not good.

I look one more time all over the house, nothing turns up. I call my Scott and ask him if he knows where it is. Nope. Both grandma's - nope. Crap! I can order another and get it here in 3 days... THREE DAYS. I could get a regular soothie - but he does not like just sucking on the pacifier - he likes the ducks wings and feet too! Crud.

When Scott gets home from work I have him check the house. Maybe he has better eye sight then me. Nothing - still.

9pm comes - the phone rings. It is grandma S - we found him! Eureka!!!! I drive to her house and bring the little suck guy home. All is right with the world again.

Sucka

2010-03-27T05:28:00.005-04:00

I have had it in my mind awhile that I wanted to get Dillon's picture professionally, or semi-professionally, done for quite some time. I kind of regret not getting his newborn photos done. Of course, at the time, photos were the last thing on my mind. So I guess I can't beat myself up too badly and even if I could, there isn't a whole lot I can do now.

So I went on line and tried to find the best place to take him. Sears? JC Penny? Olan Mills? The Picture People? Portrait Innovations? Those were my options. I went to each sit online and the best deal, in my opinion, was from Portrait Innovations. No sitting fee, 1 10x13, 2 8x10, 4 5x7, 4 3x5, and 32 wallets all for $9.99. Who could beat that?

I know the whole purpose of the package deal is to draw you in so you will buy more. I also knew they had a CD available with certain packages. So my plan going in was to buy the cheapest package available with the CD so I could print what I wanted at home. I figured I could get by with spending $50 or $60 dollars.

Wrong!

They did such and amazing job. Or I just think my son is the cutest thing in the world LOL. They took about 100 pictures. Had him on about 6 different poses. 3 clothing changes. He did great to start - smiling pretty for the woman and the camera. After a few minutes though he go the look of "Are we done yet ?" on his face. But - guess what... "Are we done yet" faces look good in pictures - so that is okay!

So then we really are done and it is time for me to decide which prints I want. Remember, the whole goal is to just come away with enough of a package to get the CD. So first I pick the one I want for the $9.99 package. The naked picture of him looking like a Gerber baby (in my mind anyway). Done.

Then the sales person (who feeds off a mothers love for a child) starts to make these collages of some photos. She does 3 10x13 images in collage form, plus a CD with the whole photo session and tells me I could have these FREE if I buy prints of every photo pose in every possible size... for just $495. What a deal (sarcasm).

No - I am smart - I am strong.

So now it comes to elimination time. I choose some no brainers to drop. But I took away enough to lose one "freebie"... It's okay, I didn't like that collage anyway. Next, I try to drop a couple more. Oops - one more freebie gone. That leaves 2 collages one with him in the naked pose with his feet and hands and one with his name in blocks - I really liked both and I want the CD.

So if I eliminate more photos, I lose another "freebie". I don't want to lose the CD - that is for sure. Because with the CD I have power to print what I want... But then the 2 collages. Which do I lose. UGGG! NOOOOOO.

The sales person looks at me. She cycles through the two collages and tells me to chose which one I want to lose. She gives me a look of "you are a bad mom if you lose this precious picture of your son"

I walk out of there spending $150 dollars have more photos then any none narcisistic person can handle and I feel defeated. Because I know that with the CD and photoshop knowledge I could have made the collage myself. I could have printed any size photo I wanted. I could have and should have - but I am a SUCKA!

I did talk to a couple of other suckas, umm I mean friends of mine, who told me I got off cheap. Most end up spending $200 plus. So I guess it could have been worse.

He is getting to be so grown up

2010-03-21T09:59:00.003-04:00

We are a week away from 4 months.

He seems to be learning more and more each day. His big thing now is that he HATES lying down. I remember just cuddling with him and now he just will not have that. He needs to be up and facing the world to see knew things. He is not interesting in gazing in my eyes anymore. Now he needs to see everything and everyone around him.

He grasps things. His favorite are his two teddy bears. One is a teething teddy, the other a tiny teddy bear rattle. He can place it in his mouth and jiggle it.

He is also coming up with new sounds. He squeals - not quite a laugh - but I guess close.

He is so incredibly happy! He plays in his cribs in the morning until I have a quick cup of coffee and when I go get him there is always a HUGE grin on his face. It melts me every single time. He loves getting naked on the changing table and we talk and he squeals and smiles. Until the pants go back on, then he has a little pout.

The weather warmed up here the past week so we finally took the stroller out for some walks. He slept for it all but for me it was wonderful to get more then a few minutes of fresh air in. I can not wait until it gets consistantly warm!

His four month appointment is not until mid-April. I was waiting for the doctors office to send me his appointment date in the mail, as they said they would. Nothing came. Then one afternoon I got a call from his doctor saying I need to call and book an appointment because her dates are filling up fast??? Umm Okay! So I did and now we have to wait for 2 weeks. Not a big deal really but I am anxious to see his weight and height and to hopefully get the okay to start some solids.

I can not believe how much he has grown these past few months. It is so amazing to me to see him learning new things and so quickly. It is true that they do grow so fast!

I am a theif...

2010-03-05T15:26:00.003-05:00

Dillon is growing like a weed lately. His pants are starting to get tight on him. He is still a shorty, but those short little legs are chunky! I decided to go out and find an Easter outfit. I am not pleased with boys clothes, at all. First, stores seem to have 100 different options for girls and only 3 or 4 racks of boy things. Second, what is up with argyle for Easter? Not that it is bad, but I am not into it!
Well, I am now. Because after hours of finding the perfect outfit - argyle won the battle.

Next I have some newborn onsies I needed to return to BRU. So I head across town to do that. Well the receipt I had does not match the onsie package. Umm a white onsie is a white onsie - just take it back will ya! No. I concede to the cashier. Then as I am walking away I say "oh wait, it is on my registry"

"You have 90 days to return stuff from the registry. When was your due date?"...

"Oh." I quickly try to remember what date I put down for my due date. I did an earlier due date to get the completion bonus... Wait he was a preemie who just turned 3 months. "Yep - before 90 days". It was like I won a prize or something. Score 6 bucks coming back to me!

Then I go to check out the clothes. Some cute stuff. None argyle Easter stuff. Why didn't I go here first? So I grab the outfit and some other outfits and find a cute "Baby's first Easter" bib.
I go to pay for everything and as I am walking out the door I notice I am holding the bib in my hand still. "Oh I need to pay for this, I forgot I was holding it" I said to the cashier. No big deal. Done.

Next I go to Target. Some cute T-shirts and a pair of jeans. Then I look for socks. Carters is the only ones that actually stay on his feet. I pick up a pack. I then change my mind about one of the t-shirts and go get some onsies instead. I hate how t-shirts ride up on him when I am holding him.

Done. I go to the cashier and place the socks and onsies on the register. Pay and head to my car. Load DS in the car and then fold up his snap n go... the jeans flung off the handle bar. Oops. I forgot I hung them on the handle bar instead of putting them on the pile of other stuff I had on his car seat.

I looked at him in the car. I looked at the long walk back to the store. Cased the parking lot for police cars... decided I was too tired to grab the baby, unfold the snap n go and go back. I am a thief. I am not proud of my actions, but I did not do it purposefully. I had a brain fart. And I am lazy. Plus you would think everyone I passed on the way out from the store would have noticed and stopped me. It was not like I was hiding it. It was hanging from my snap n go! I also gave myself a dope slap for doing this TWICE today. Wow, it is true that you loose your brain when you become a mother.

As I am typing this the guilt is running though me and I will probably go tomorrow to pay for them. But for today - I am a thief.

And to leave you off, a picture of my accomplice:

Why can't I do anything simple?

2010-02-27T09:13:00.002-05:00

So it just occured to me that I have to do things full out rather then just simple and easy.

The purpose of choosing to do a party over something simple like dinner at a local restaurant was supposed to be easy. Because I get the hall for free through work and one of the chefs there offered to cook for me for cost of food and half the labor costs of what a caterer would charge was an easy one to make. After all, taking 12 people out for dinner would cost AT LEAST that amount, if not more. Having dinner at my house wasn't an option since I have to work the night before and won't have time to cook anything. Plus, my house is small. The dining room only seats 4, so it is not meant to be hosting larger dinner parties, or any parties for that matter (yes I am concerned about that come Dillon's birthday time). Plus, since the hall is available and cheaper then other options, I could invite more people and the family members who have yet to meet Dillon can finally meet him.

So simple right, get the hall. The manager told me not to worry about tableclothes or plates or anything. I could use what I needed. But of course, I can not deal with white. White is too boring. I need some color to the hall. So I now need to go out and get tableclothes. Decorations. You name it.
I find the choice of Christening decorations to be pretty plain. So I decided to do a light blue and dark blue combination and found a "God Bless this child" banner so people will know why they were there. Not like they won't know why they are there, but I need something Christening related there.

Next, centerpeices. I can not have a table without centerpeices. Okay, I could. I just don't want to. After all this is the first party I get to host since 2002. I love putting parties together... or do I? I guess the thing is that because I work in the industry, I see a whole lot of parties through the year. I know what I like and take note of it. So to do something simple, just would not do. I have seen simple and simple does not impress me. Yes, we are celebrating a religous event. But who says religous events need to be simple?

So here was my original idea for centerpeices. Candy! There will be at least 10 children there and kids like candy and so do their parents. So I was also going to place scoops at each table so people can take a bag home as a favor. I have seen candy in bowls before and it looks awesome to color up a plain hall. BUT candy in big bowls can cost a lot. 10 tables with bowls of candy... well that can be $$$. More money possibly then I am spending on the meal. So nevermind. Remember - the reason for doing it this way was to SAVE money! So I asked my mother to do flower centerpeices. I will get simple vases at Michaels and dress it up with ribbon and a few bunches of flowers. Then my mom with her flower arrangement skills can put it all together. I'll save the candy idea for later, maybe his graduation party in 2026, people will still like candy then right?

Next, what will people do for 4 hours? They can't just sit around and talk can they? A DJ, I will get a DJ. Wait - DJs cost money. Duh? How's about an iPod playing background music. Good enough. Again, this is supposed to be cheaper then a dinner out.

Invitations, I will make myself on the computer and send them out, although I was looking at some really pretty ones online. Nope, I will not get sucked in.

Food - whatever the chef can make for under $500 for 100 people or less. Which since he has 2 months notice, he can shop the sales and get some good options. All I need to get is a cake. A CAKE - I look online and see cakes shaped as bibles and all these other cool designs... hello - a simple sheet cake will do.

Done - a simple party.

Then of course is his Christening outfit. I had saved my wedding dress so I could make a Chritening gown for a girl. I don't want to use it, I am still holding out for my phantom girl miracle that will not happen, but the dream is still there. (Roll eyes)

So I found the perfect outfit for him. Of course, it is not simple - because I HATE simple and it costs double then what I could buy at JC Penny, but I fell in love with it and need it. And nothing is too good for my one and only child, so all reasoning aside I am getting it. So what he will only wear it once. I will be the crazy mother in law demanding my grandson wear his dad's out dated clothes. Simple.

Dillon's Christening date is set.

2010-02-25T08:01:00.003-05:00

It was really the hardest thing we had to do so far. Getting dates that worked for everybody was close to impossible. I wanted to wait until April, when the weather was starting to warm up a bit. My sister, Dillon's Godmother, was not available the last weekend of April. My aunt, also my godmother, really wanted to attend his baptism and she was not available the last week of May. March was out because 2 weekends were booked. So when the church receptionist threw out May 16th, I told her I would have to get back to her once I checked with all the key players. Of course, it turns out to be Godfather Glen's birthday. We double check to make sure he had no plans, and he doesn't. We asked if he minded having it on his birthday and he doesn't. Yay. Done. I call back and confirm the date.

Next, we were deciding on if we should have a celebration or not. It is traditional for my family to party no matter what the event. Scott's family is more laid back. So I decided to leave it up to the reception hall. As you may or may not know, I work for the reception hall.

I call in and ask my boss to check a date for me. When I mentioned it, he said "ut oh", I replied. "No, if it is booked, it is no big deal." He said, "No it is available. It is the only date in May available"

So there you have it, I am having my first big party since my wedding. I expect the guest list will be around 100 people. I have to invite everyone who went to my shower, which was about 50 people. Their spouses and children. Plus Scott's friends who were not at the shower, spouses and children. I am debating on whether to keep it simple with just a light dinner served or if I should do a DJ to keep people entertained. It will be in the afternoon, so I am not sure what to do.

I did find the perfect outfit for Dillon to wear. Now the debate on what size I should order is on. He no doubt will be heavier then he is now, but will he be a full size bigger or even more? He seems to be growing like a weed!

SO I will have a busy next couple of months. Finding decorations, invitations, planning the menu. Now that I think of everything, I kind of wish the hall was booked already! I should have waited a week to check the date. Oh well!

It's 5:30am and I am awake.

2010-02-18T07:27:00.002-05:00

Nothing unusual for a mom, I am sure. What is unusual about it is that the baby is sound asleep.

For the last few days Dillon has been waking in his crib and entertaining himself with his mobile. It is great! He played for close to an hour yesterday before I went to get him to give him a bottle. What is not great is that I was paranoid about it. Like he was crying for hours and I soundly slept through it all or something, so he gave up and resorted to entertaining himself. So, at the first sound of him awaking this morning I was up. I checked on him and he was content. So I let him be. Now he drifted back to sleep and I am waiting for his next move.

I lucked out on how easy he is as a baby. He has his cranky moments, but I think I can read him pretty well. He fusses when he is hungry, when he is tired and when he has gas. Other then that he can be entertained by just staring at the ceiling, the lights or just about anything really.

He has taken to cooing lately. He will look up at me and just make this cute little 'ohhh' sound. It melts my heart. I think he is ready to bust out laughing any moment too. I went to dinner over my mom's house this past weekend and his cousins were there. He got the biggest kick out of Connor eating. He was smiling, cooing and half laughing. Hard to explain, but he would bust out this 'hah' sound every now and again. In any event Connor got a kick out of him and vice versa.

We are 1 week away from 3 months. I can not believe how fast it has all gone. It seems like yesterday I was crying none stop because he was in NICU and I was sore and tired and hormonal. In the same token, it seems like it was forever ago. I was looking at pictures of his bruised face the other day and I could not believe that was my baby. He was so tiny and looked so broken. Now, I have this chubby cheeked, 12 pounder (I am guessing).

He is now in 0-3 and 3 month clothes. What sucks is so many people bought him 3-6 month outfits and it is looking like winter will be over before he can fit into them. Of course here in New England we never have much of a spring, so everything except the heaviest of outfits may get some wear. At least I am hoping, the way it has been going with all the snow to the south you never know though.

Could he not be the cutest baby?

2010-02-12T10:47:00.003-05:00

I look at him and I just can not stop. He is amazingly cute. So cute you want to eat his chubby little cheeks. When he smiles, my world stops and I would stand on my head and make funny faces just to see it one more time. I am so so in love with this little guy. I wonder if anyone else can see how adorable he is? As much as me? I gush about him and his accomplishments of the week when I am at work. I am the woman I would role my eyes at before I understood all this wonder in watching him grow each day.

His milestone - cooing. He coos at so much right now. He will wake in the morning and stare at his mobile. When I hear him cooing I go in and I get a big smile and a gush of excitement.

Smiling - he has smiled at everyone he has met so far. He smiles at his giraffe. His mom, his dad and his grandmothers. My mom of course needed to point out that he smiled TWICE at her lol

Pushing up on his legs - he tries to move all around when you are holding him. He has good neck control and is so strong.

It is just amazing to me that my little sleeping beauty, who did not wake unless food was calling him, is so alert and strong right now. Oh and he is such a good baby! We hardly here him cry. Gas and hunger are the two triggers. Then he is looking and watching and smiling! He has grown so much in the 11 weeks I have known him. I can not wait for the next 11 weeks or 11 years for that matter!

He also outgrew his newborn stuff and is in to 0-3. So the task of packing up his clothes came and it was HARD. I cried. Then I folded up each little onsie and sleeper and tucked it away. Will this happen with every clothing upgrade?

Two months

2010-01-29T09:33:00.002-05:00

I probably should give up this blogging thing since I have been so bad at it. It is just hard to get free time where I am not on the clock to get other things done before Dillon wakes up. I have yet to master one handed typing when I am holding him, which lately has been a lot. It seems he decided the only place he likes to nap is on me!

He is doing wonderfully. He close to doubled his birth weight. He is now 9 pounds and 10 ounces! My chunky monkey!

He got his two month shots yesterday and it broke my heart. The nurses had me hold his hands as they did tandem shots in both legs. As soon as the needles went in, tears welled in his eyes and he gripped my hands tighter. Then he looked at me with a look of terror on his face. I nearly cried myself. When we got home, he was cranky. Pretty much all night he needed to be heard. Now he is sleeping the day away.

He also has thrush and was given medicine for it. I wounder how the medicine will work since I can't seem to get him to keep it in his mouth! Is there a trick to that?

Milestones. None really. He still has not smiled. At least anything I have noticed as a real smile. Sometimes he smirks and does and "Elvis lip" where one side of his mouth will curve. My mom said not to worry, three months is the magic number. I keep seeing pictures of 1-2 month old babies smiling though and wonder what's going on!

He loves his play mat. He can sit there for a long time just kicking his legs and reaching for toys. The other day I had thought he may have it in him to turn himself over, he was reaching so hard for an elephant. Then he got frustrated and that ended.

I went back to work. It is hard to mix the baby and work. I have been exhausted! Luckily Scott is a huge help and still takes over when he gets home from work for a couple of hours so I can nap. We had a few day stretch of Dillon sleeping 6-7 hours. But the last few days he has been back to 3 hours.

Now we need to establish some type of routine for our family. Scott stopped going to the gym after work to help me. I stopped doing errands in the afternoons because I did not want to take Dillon out too much before his vaccines. Well, I'll let you know how we do with that next time!

Six Weeks

2010-01-12T09:16:00.004-05:00

Both Dillon and I had our 6 week appointment yesterday. I double booked and was worried we would not pull it off, but all went smoothly.

First, his appointment. His doctors office is only 5 minutes from my house, so I packed him and all his stuff up and hit the road. We got there early, I was hoping that if I was early they would take us early. That backfired and all it meant was that I got to spend extra time in the waiting room (a shared waiting room with other doctors in the building) with some woman who was 2 eggs short of a dozen. She was going on and on about how she is not allowed to get to close to people, how all she wants is to give love, that her doctor doesn't like it when she gives love, so she won't.

Of course, that made me pull Dillon close to me and pray a little that she does not notice him. Well, she did. She came up slowly and asked to see him. I told her he was sleeping but she could peak in, but not to touch to wake him. My heart was pounding. Luckily, she did just peak and then went on her way. Phew. Scary.

Then the doctor called us in. Every time they call Dillon it is surreal, "oh yeah, that is us". Off we go to get weighed, the major reason for the appointment. 8 pounds, 1 ounce. 19.5 inches long. My big boy, close to double his weight since birth! Heart check, a quick look over. We set up our 2 month appointment for shots and the doctor tells me to give him a half a dose of Tylenol before the appointment to help with the shots. Done.

Time check. 1 hour to go to get to my appointment which is 15 minutes away. Just enough time to get a quick bite to eat and feed him before my appointment. So we head in. We get to the little cafe in the building my doctor is located and I get a sandwich and some hot water to warm Dillon's bottle. I eat and wait for Dillon to wake - nothing. He is enjoying the stroll and car ride. I look at my watch and we have a 1/2 hour so I decide to let him sleep and I will head up and check in. Then I will feed him as we wait.

In the waiting room he gets a little cranky, I take him out and begin to feed him. Next thing you know they call me. Great. They are never early! So I stick him in his seat and as he is screaming for more food. The nurse weighs me, takes my blood pressure, all while Dillon is screaming. I'm sweating at this point. "Please baby boy just wait a few minutes". Surprisingly my blood pressure is low!

The nurse tells me to take my pants off and hands me a gown, then leaves. I strip down really quick then grab Dillon and his bottle. Hoping the doctor will be her usual slow self. Thankfully she was and I got to get about 4 ounces in him and a sizable burp. As she comes in a stick him back in the stroller. He was calm again!

The doctor checks my tear, healed perfect. Then we discuss birth control. I told her we were playing everything by ear and what ever will be will be. She also asks me if I will do IVF for a second. I told her at this point it was unlikely. Finances are not on our side to afford 2 kids and pay off more IVF payments.

She ended the appointment with saying that she knew she will see me again. I wish I was that confident. I am not going to bank on miracles. Scott and I will enjoy what we have and enjoy ourselves - What ever will be, will be. I am fortunate enough for one healthy little guy. Not our ideal family, but I can not let infertility control my life anymore, it took too much of it to begin with. All I can do is be thankful to come out ahead. For that I am thankful and fortunate. With that we left the OB office for maybe the last time. (Notice how after that whole speech I still have to put a maybe in there?)

So now pictures, a then and now 1 month comparison:
He is getting chubby cheeks!

Oh I am a bad blogger!

2010-01-06T14:15:00.003-05:00

Wow. Sorry for no updates. Life has been hectic getting used to this mommy thing and I am loving it!
Dillon is the best little one in the world. He is so calm. For the most part he cries when he is hungry or needs his diaper changed. He sleeps A LOT, but never at the times mommy wants him to sleep. Eventually we will get into a routine, but right now, I am just following his lead.
He has gained a ton of weight since coming home. His last appointment he was an ounce away from 7 pounds. I am convinced he is 8 pounds now, although H does not think so yet.
I am sure you want pictures. SO here they finally are. Yes, you guessed it these are last months additions. I promise now that I am getting more used to this to be better in updating, and pictures!

Dillon in NICU:

Coming Home:

Home sweet home!

2009-12-11T10:13:00.002-05:00

Dillon was released two days ago from NICU after I did a mandatory sleep over. I was never told about the sleep over until the night before so was caught off guard. I did not understand the need since I was usually there for about 10 hours a day to begin with, but I sucked it up and went packed a few things and headed in. There is no food allowed in the NICU, the hospital cafeteria closes at 8pm. When I can't have food that is when I find myself the hungriest! Also, some shotty design of the NICU is that the only bathroom is located in the hallway, so you need to be buzzed in and out when you have to go. Not to mention the pull out bed was a vinyl brick. So feeling like a prisoner and the beeps and boops and nurses talking loudly in the halls made it impossible to sleep. Dillon was a little lamb, as always. Waking in time for his 3 hour feedings and falling back asleep on cue.

I had planned to go to the store and pick up the formula the doctor suggest we use and some preemie outfits for Dillon. That did not happen so I instructed Scott to grab the newborn outfit we originally planned to use as his coming home outfit. It swam on him (pictures will be added soon) but it did the trick.

Working on adrenaline we were excited to finally be home that is until my little lamb turned into some wretched fire breathing dragon! He would not lie in his crib for longer then an hour without screaming. I rocked him, put him down and then pressed the repeat button. All night long! Scott helped as much as he could, but he had to return to work the next day and needed sleep too. Not sure how he could get any, but he managed a few hours.

The next day I was visited by the visiting nurse. She asked me how things were going and I told her about the night we had. She told me it was common for NICU babies to need time to adjust to their new surroundings, that sometimes the house can be too quiet after living in NICU for weeks. She gave me pointers about keeping the lights on and being the same noisy self we used to be before baby came home. Also, at night to play a radio so it was not dead silent in the house (advice given to me already by a message board I frequent).

Well that did the trick. Dillon had a much better round two! He is back to being my little lamb, so far.

Of course the two days of zero sleep affected me and I turned into a fire breathing dragon by 7pm last night. I was trying to get Dillon's car seat set with the Bundle Me since he has a doctors appointment on the coldest day of the year so far. Well, simple instructions and a over tired mama do not mix well. I had a nervous breakdown and took it out on the car seat. Scott heard me in the mud room and came to save the day.

He told me to go to bed, he would handle the next few hours and the Bundle Me. Next thing I know I woke at 1am freaking out that I didn't hear Dillon cry. I ran to the nursery and there they were. My two favorite men swaying back and forth on the glider. I told Scott how I didn't hear him cry and Scott said proudly "That is because he didn't", he then told me to go back to bed and he will finish the job. My shift would start at the 4am feeding.

This morning I woke up refreshed and Dillon is now adjusting well to his new home. He went right back to sleep after his 4am and 7am feedings and is now lying in the crib liking his new mobile. They don't have those in the NICU!

We are off for our first outing today with a doctors appointment at 1:45. Wish me luck getting him dressed and ready and on the road!

All drama is done

2009-12-08T09:32:00.002-05:00

So Scott dealt with his brothers and mothers. G is the godfather. Enough said and enough drama for a lifetime.

Dillon is getting ready to come home. During rounds yesterday the doctors said he is on track to come home before the end of the week. They would definitely keep him today, but if all goes well ... no specific date. I told the nurses and doctors it sucked to get a specific date in mind, have that day come and go into the room to see a set back making it impossible to take him home. So they respect that and told me that they will take it one day at a time and let me know when the are confident he WILL come home.

So on talking to the doctor, they are looking for a weight increase in the next day or two. If he continues to feed the way he has been all is looking good.

I can not tell you how relieved I am to have an end in site. I am so tired of going to the hospital daily. I spent enough time there before the birth.

Scott got a cold, we think the same reaction from the N1H1 flu shot I got. A week after I got mine, I had a sinus cold. Same exact thing Scott has now a week after his shot. He does not want to go to NICU to see Dillon. I do not want to risk getting him sick either. So hopefully Scott will feel better in a day or two when it is time to bring Dillon home!

Oh and today is Dillon's "scheduled birthday". We have estimated due date, induction due dates and his actual birthday. Today is induction day. We have the date circled on the calender with DILLON'S B-DAY written on it. And it crossed off as well.

On a funny note:

I was talking about wanting a mothers pendent for Christmas a few month ago. I told Scott the one I wanted and then forgot about it. Scott and I were talking about birthstones a couple of nights ago and how I was now stuck with yellow topaz again (my birthday is in November). Scott's eyes got very big and when I asked what was wrong, he told me he had ordered the pendant the week before Thanksgiving because it said it would take 3-4 weeks to get it engraved with Dillon's name. He ordered the wrong stone obviously and there are no returns because of the engraving.

So for Christmas I will have a beautiful mothers pendant. Heart shaped with Dillon's name and a birthstone... Not his, but at least it is blue. Blue for Boy?

Monster in law strikes again

2009-12-06T09:35:00.003-05:00

For the past week I have had to listen to her complaining about how she has yet to see "her baby". I have not even been able to hold MY baby for more then an hour at a time and YOU need to bitch and complain about how because of the strict NICU guidelines of only letting parents in, how you can not see him. I am worried about him keeping food down and getting strong enough to come home, but let me stop everything and listen to you whine and feel sorry for YOU.

Next, and this is a biggy. You think the choice of godfather is all wrong so why not manipulate to get what YOU want!

Here is the back story:

My FIL passed away 5 months ago, as you may remember. MIL lives with her 43 year old socially inept (to put it mildly) son R, who can not take care of himself because his mother and father have cooked every meal, done every load of laundry and paid every bill you have EVER had.

When my husband and I were deciding on who would be a good fit for godparenting roles we decided that the best fit would be his other brother G. First off, G is a responsible adult, takes care of himself and would be a wonderful roll model in our child's life. He is wonderful with children, and everything we want for our son. Also, Scott and G are close and that was important to me as someone who will continuously be in my child's life. We are happy with our choice.

So on Thanksgiving Scott thought it would be a great time to talk to G about having him be the godfather. G was THRILLED and honored and accepted the role. We announced it to the family (MIL and R were there). Enough said.

Flash forward to a little over a week later. Dillon is now here. 7 days old.

Scott gets a call from G saying he thinks the better choice would be R for a godfather and although he is honored, he does not want to accept the role! So Scott talks to him further and this is what comes out of his mouth "Well R has taken dads death pretty hard, so I think having him be godfather will lift his spirits"

WHAT????

I am sorry but I am sure all the brothers took the death of the father hard. I also think since R lives with his mother, he may have taken it harder because he was centered on the father being around and also needs to deal with his mothers emotions. BUT having him be godfather is not something to cheer someone up with! It is a commitment and responsibility. Plus, he is and always will be an uncle. If that alone can not cheer him up - well sorry you need to get into some type of grief counseling. Your father was sick for a very long time, he passed away and it is horrible and sad and cruel, but life does go on for the living. Yes, he is missed by all of us. I wish Dillon could have been able to meet is grandfather, but he is not a tool to cheer people up.

Now, why I am blaming my MIL in all of this... The same exact thing happened when Scott was deciding who would be best man for our wedding. He chose his best friend K. For months we listened to his mother say the right thing would be to have her son R be the best man (How so? Scott and R do not even talk to each other). Blah Blah. We are talking serious pressure on Scott to change his mind. So I can totally picture the ride home on Thanksgiving (G was driving) and her going on and on about the "right thing" being R as the godfather. Giving G the guilt trip and making him feel guilty and placing him in the middle of everything.

So Scott tells me all this and I lost it. Totally and completely lost it, I was in NICU and I think I was too loud, because a nurse popped her head in. I told him in no uncertain terms that if G backs out on being a godfather then we will not have ANY godfather. I will not be manipulated!

7 days. Dillon has been here for 7 days and already the drama will not stop. I am stressed and tired and we will create boundaries. Scott does not need this shit, I do not need this shit, so enough already!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a happier front, Dillon did well on his feeds yesterday. He had pulled his feeding tube out the night before 3 times, so I had a talk with him and said he would not need that thing if he just eats more. So it appeared he listened because he went the whole day without it being replaced.

He is on the schedule for his circ. on Monday. The doctor will not set a hard day for him to come home. I will not set a hard day for him to come home (we had 2 dates so far that have come and gone). Let's just say, they require you to remain in the hospital for 1 day after a circ. - So he will be home soon!

Dillon after ripping out his feeding tube for the third time Friday:

A few more days to go!

2009-12-04T08:01:00.002-05:00

Dillon is continuing to do wonderfully. He gained an ounce, although it is mostly because they had been force feeding him and given him IV fluids for 5 days.
He has been steadily increasing is formula intake the last couple of days. He gets the concept of eating, but all the work gets him sleepy. If we keep him up and awake he will eat, the challenge is keeping him awake!

He is alert and beautiful though! He looks all around and has some head control. He is not a crier, the nurses say we got really lucky and so far he appears pretty laid back. I only really heard him cry twice so far. Once was when the were pealing off one of his leads and the other was when he was getting his sponge bath.

The game plan is to have him be ready for release on Monday. They shut off his lights and will check his body temp and Billy Rubin counts. He will be on a monitored diet and needs to eat more then 30cc at each feeding. If he continues to do that Monday he will come home! 1 day before his scheduled birthday!!!

I am home, Dillon is not and guilt

2009-12-01T10:46:00.002-05:00

I was released yesterday. I am still sore but doing better each day.

Dillon is getting better as well. He went from being on a respirator the first day to breathing 100% room air since. He needed lights, mostly because of all the bruising on his face. They say his kidneys will need to work overtime to fix the broken capillaries and by placing him on lights it helps prevent jaundice. Last night they took him off and are hopeful he can stay off, but will test him each day. He prefers the lights off. He loves being swaddled and is a lot more calmer now then what he was for the past two days.

He has begun eating formula, I had made the decision to exclusively formula feed far before he was born and now that I can not be there with him all day, I am glad I did make that decision. He needs to bulk up and learn to feed before he is released so this will help. He ate 16cc last night and is a champion drinker!

Finally, he is on day 3 of a 7 day course of antibiotics that are given through IV. They ran additional testing to make sure there are no signs of infections. If that comes back negative, he will be off the IV Saturday and if he continues to do well, he may be coming home to us by this weekend.

Now that I am home without him I feel this incredible sense of guilt. I need to wait for a ride to the hospital because I can not drive myself. My dad will take me in but he needs to work until noon each day. So all morning long I have been struggling with not being there for my child. I also feel guilty because I do not even really feel as though he IS mine right now. Like I am some babysitter going in for 2 hour shifts here and there. I have not had much bonding time with him and need more, but am not sure when I can get more. It is so incredibly hard. Harder then I imagined.

When I was in the hospital, I was looking forward to real food and a real shower and bed. Now that I am here, I would give anything to be just 3 floors up from him and an elevator ride away.

I am not sure how mothers of 24-25 week preemies can make it through the months of torture this one day has been. I am hoping it will get easier as the days pass and that he will be home soon.

November 28, 2009

2009-11-29T20:02:00.004-05:00

Dillon is here.

I was not expecting to be typing that for a little over a week. But I was never good with sticking to plans and it looks like my son feels the same way.

***warning this will be graphic, I am sharing the whole birth story****

Friday was like every other Friday after Thanksgiving. My father came by at about noon with my decaf ice coffee and left over turkey that I had forgotten at his house the night before. I heated it up, had some lunch and then went to take a nap.

I had lied down and was flipping and flopping for about 1/2 hour before I nodded off. I slept for about a half hour when I felt a gush of water. I ran to the bathroom thinking I lost all bladder control. No, that is not it. I do not have to pee, but the water kept coming. I looked in the toilet and there was some pink blood. HOLY SHIT. Breath. Okay what do I do. Oh, call the doctor.

I call and it is considered a holiday, no one was on and I got the messaging service. I tried speaking calmly to whoever answered. He asked me what my last name was and I forgot how to spell it, he asked for my hospital ID number, the one I have used for about 4 years now at every monitoring blood draw and appointment through IF and pregnancy... umm BREATH! Okay, I got through that. He tells me he will call the on call doctor and I should hear something in the next 10 minutes.

Next I call my mother and Scott. Yes, right now Scott is not letting me live it down that I called her first. But what is done is done. She is calming, been through it before, is a nurse and all that. Scott, when I called said "are you sure?" So yes, I called my mother to make sure I was sure.

My mother, father and Scott are both on their way to my house. I did not pack a bag, that was on the agenda for the weekend. So I go and try to get things together. All the while I am still leaking fluid and filling pads fast. My mom gets there and tells me to sit down. She attempts to fill the bag but can't find anything. I tell her I will do it, but she yells at me to sit. I listen.

Scott comes in about two minutes later. He then goes to finish packing the bag. He got the leash on the dog and gave the dog to my father so he could watch them. Then my mother, Scott and I head to the hospital.

Scott drops me and my mother out in front while he parks the car. We both tell him not to forget the bag. As we walked in I kept feeling more gushes of water. Honestly, it amazes me how much water was in there! In the elevator it felt as though my pants were soaked. I was looking at my mother rolling my eyes as people were piling on the elevator. How embarrassing, but hell you are never going to see me again!

I go to triage and get undressed, at this point it is 3:30 in the afternoon. They told me not to wear underwear, but did not put anything absorbent on the bed. I am done caring at this point and just get undressed and hop on the bed. Scott comes in and then a couple of minutes later a midwife comes in to check for amniotic fluid. As she said, there is not doubt. So she sends us down to the delivery room. The nurse greats us and tells us it was slow this weekend so we have the "VIP room". It is a pretty large room with great views of the city skyline and Charles River. But, if I was Giselle and Tom Brady, I think I would expect more. But alas, I am not so I am just glad they had more then one reclining seat so my mom and Scott can both get comfy.

I lie on the bed and get an IV and attached to the baby monitors. I still can not feel contractions, but according to the monitor I am definitely having them. The doctor then comes in and explains how they will monitor my blood pressure and if it goes to high they will give me magnesium to lower it. He also tells me that because my water broke, they would like me to deliver in less the 24 hours to prevent the risk of infection to both myself and Dillon. He said he would watch labor for the next couple of hours, but if things didn't progress he would give me a drug to speed up the contractions. He said the drugs will be administered slowly and most likely we would not be seeing much progress until the morning, so he told me to get some rest.

So the next hour was pretty uneventful I asked Scott for the bag... he forgot it in the car. He also forgot the camera! We always forget the camera! We agreed that he could make it to home and back before anything happened. So he leaves.

At about 7pm the doctor decided to start the contraction drugs. I told him I wanted to wait until Scott was back and he should be here any minute. He agreed to wait, but told me to tell the nurse as soon as he walked in. The nurse came in and started to prepare everything. She told me to sit up in a chair for a bit, because once the drug was in, they would want me to stay in bed. I went to the bathroom, rocked in the chair and waited for Scott to come back.

In he walked, the nurse called the doctor, the doctor came and looked over everything and administered the drug. He also took my blood pressure, which was not bad, all things considering, 152/78.

I felt my first contraction about 10 minutes after the drug was in the IV. It was mild, but I felt it. A big change from the past couple of hours. I was feeling it every 10 -15 minutes to begin. Then steadily at 10 minutes, 8 minutes, 5 minutes. Mostly the pain was in my back. It felt as though I was sitting on a knife stabbing me in the back repeatedly. At about 10pm, I looked at my mother and said I really would like the epidural. She told me, that it would be a long night if I had the epidural now. The nurse came in and said I looked really uncomfortable and she would be able to get me something to help me relax in between contractions. I agreed to take that and it did help for about an hour. I was able to nod off in between the contractions but it was not enough. I begged my mother again for the epidural. Again she said she didn't think it was time.

Scott, by the way, was my silent rock. He was there holding my hand, giving me water and making silly jokes because he was nervous. Oh and eating all the Italian Ice.

At about 11pm the doctor came in to check my progress. He did an internal and he said "oh my, you are 90% effaced already" At that point, I said "It isn't too late for the epidural is it" ... No, thank God! So they called the anesthesiologist to get it all started.

Let me tell you! I never ever ever would have been able to make it through without this wonder drug. I am by far a wimp, but why go through torture when you don't have to!
So with the epidural in, we began pushing. But after the first set of pushes the contractions slowed down, so the doctor decided to give it an hour for more steady contractions. I took a nap and prepared.

At about midnight I started my 3 hours of active pushing. I could not feel my right leg and not move it at all, my left leg had some feeling to it so I could at least lift it when it was time to begin the pushes. Scott was frozen at the start of everything. He had no idea what to do. In hind sight, I probably should have signed us up for birthing classes, just for his sake but what was done was done. My mother started coaching me, Scott paced back and forth.

I pushed and I pushed. I napped in between contractions. I got cold flashes and hot flashes, I threw up and I bled. All the time though my blood pressure stayed pretty low. About an hour into it, Scott finally figured out what to do. During a push all of a sudden out of no where he screamed "come on Krissy push you can do it!"... Of course I laughed instead of pushed because it was not expected at that point. He then took over for my mother and did a pretty great job. Rubbing my back and my head, getting me water. He was amazing!

All that pushing and Dillon was not moving. He was also face up. The doctor said he could try to turn him which may help the progression. So in she went to try to turn him. She did fairly quickly and we began pushing again. She mentioned forceps, but I wanted to try on my own. Still nothing after another hour of pushing. At about 2:30, the doctor again suggested forceps. She said she could see the head, and it could be over in no time if we used the forceps. At that point I was spent both emotionally and physically and wanted to meet my son, so I agreed.

They called in the anesthesiologist to boost the epidural so I would not feel the forceps. They then set everything all up with clamps and all the doctors piled in the room waiting for Dillon's arrival. After 2 pushes the doctor said "next one, give me a nice big push and you can meet your son". At that point I busted out in tears and gave it my all. Out he came... and not crying!

I was looking over at the pediatricians and could not see what they were doing. I sent Scott over and he watched then came back and said it was okay, but I still could not hear him cry. My mother was watching and I was trying to read her facial expressions. All the while I was being sutured up. Everything seemed to be taking forever... until I heard it, I heard him cry!

The wrapped him up and I got to hold him for 1 minute and then the whisked him away again. All this and I was still being sutured. "How many stitches are there?" I asked... "Oh we don't count" Turns out I have a third degree laceration and far too many stitches to count, but pain meds are a wonderful thing!

I kept asking about Dillon and everyone assured me he was fine but because it was such a traumatic birth he would need some air just for a while. He was in shock, but at 35 weeks he should be just great.

He was on a respirator for 24 hours and is now breathing room air. He seems to be doing great, but they need to get him to feed a little first before going home. I am being discharged in the morning. He most likely will be here for another couple of days.

I am actually healing pretty well. Sore and swollen and bleeding (although that has let up a lot). But it was all worth it. Every ounce of pain I feel is worth it when I hold Dillon or see Scott holding him.

Dillon, Mom and Dad on his 2 day old birthday, respirator free and a little bruised from being face up.

PS - Thanks Flower for helping me fix the cutoff picture!

I am going to whine for a minute...

2009-11-23T21:16:00.001-05:00

I am super achy. It feels like I ran a marathon and all I have done today was get up 62 times to pee, take a shower and my big adventure to the doctors office.

I used to be a very active person who was always moving. To now being stuck in bed. My bones, joints and muscles are really feeling it. I am starting to hate my once cozy bed and soft and comfy couch. HATE THEM!

I am so afraid once I do have the baby that I will be so not used to doing anything that I will become lazy and/or not have as much energy as I used to. Just looking at the stroller at this point and I can not imagine being able to lift it because I haven't lifted anything heavier then a 12oz water bottle in 8 weeks!

I want to take a nice long shower - but I can't because I will start seeing spots, which is my cue to sit down and relax.

I have 2 weeks to go and I think I am starting to get antsy now that I see the end in sight. I am so proud I made it this long out of the hospital when all bets were off of me making it past 34 weeks. I am so thankful Dillon is growing big and strong.

I just want the next two weeks to hurry up and get over with!

All about the hubby!

2009-11-18T16:12:00.002-05:00

Nothing new really on the medical front. I am hanging in there with 3 weeks to go. My urine is acting up again, with traces of blood in it. I am doing another 24 hour urine, but my doctor said the blood could be coming from the cervix and not to be overly concerned unless I experience pain, which I am not! So I keep on keeping on...

I did decide to share with you how incredible and supportive Scott has been through all this. Not only does he put up with my parents daily because they are watching over me during the week when he is working. But he does EVERYTHING I ask without batting an eye. That is a lot considering I can not do anything myself.

We spent this weekend finishing the nursery products. The swing, and all the baby stuff is now put together or put away until we need them. The room is almost complete, he needs to wash the babies sheets and clothes this weekend. Put in the car seat and get it inspected.

I can not tell you how much I love him through all this! I am incredibly thankful for every second of everyday we share together. He is so excited and so nervous for Dillon's arrival. Mr. Laid Back is finally showing some of that nervous "I am about to be a dad" energy.

My mom was talking to him about the labor process and he said "I read that in the book" (the book he claimed he did not read).

I can not wait to share this whole process with him. Scared, but excited. He looks at every u/s picture in amazement. He always says "I think he looks like me" when showing them off to friends. He is a proud papa already! I can not wait for the day he gets to hold Dillon in his arms for the first time. I cry thinking about it now, I am sure I will explode the day it happens for real!

It was a long seven years. A lot of ups and downs along the way. Sometimes we were at a crossroad and questioned if we would ever make it while dealing with the horrors of infertility. The last two years we were more united then ever and it gets better everyday! I am so thankful that we fought to stay together and now are so much stronger for it. I am really not sure how couples who get married and then push out their first babies within the year survive. We have learned so much about each other during these years. That is something positive I can now look back on through the years of dealing with infertility.

9 more doctors appointments before induction day

2009-11-13T08:13:00.002-05:00

Well. So much for being free and clear. Just when you think things are going well. My last 6 appointments showed my protein levels back down to normal levels. My b/p was getting lower at doctor visits. Everything smooth as silk.

Then I went to my appointment yesterday and there are traces of blood in my urine again. It could be a sign of my kidneys acting up again, it could be a UTI. So first thing first is to hope for the UTI. I took another sterile pee and am waiting for the results. Most likely it is not that, I do not have any UTI symptoms and like last time, I feel fine. So I will end up having to do another 24 hour urine on Monday... and it continues.

Well, my first goal was 32 weeks, my next goal after that was 34. Tuesday is 34, so I guess if I needed to go back in the hospital I should be proud that I made it this far. I can make 3 weeks in a hospital, so much better the 2-3 months! But I am jumping the gun. Maybe just maybe all will be okay enough for me to remain on home bedrest. Fingers crossed!

In good news, I had a growth scan today. Dillon is getting big, he gained a pound since my last one 3 weeks ago. He is now 4lbs 6oz. The doctor said he meets all the percentages, so that is good. I maybe can guesstimate him being a pound heavier in 3 more weeks. So a 5lb 6oz baby is not so bad for 37 weeks?

The u/s woman killed me today. Did the usual measuring of his head, stomach, femur. Looked at his heart, kidneys spine. Now for practice breaths. Dillon can be stubborn when he knows people are watching. He takes one quick breath and then stops (too cute). So we wait for him to start more. The u/s tech jiggles my belly - nothing. Well lets try giving CPR to the kid while he is inside... Out of no where pound pound pound on my belly. OUCH! She says "sorry". Needless to say it did not help him want to breath! Jiggle, pound (softer then the first time), jiggle. All I can do is hold my breath (that will make him breath right?). Come on little guy breath and help end this torture! Five minutes go by and finally he breaths. Of course I felt like I just went through a boxing match when it was over!

I'm 38 now...

2009-11-11T22:01:00.003-05:00

My birthday was this past Sunday. Pretty laid back event all things considered. The night before Scott ordered a to go mail from our favorite local restaurant. We ate and then watched a movie on pay per view.

Sunday my girl friends can over and D made cupcakes, we ordered Pizza and watched Sex and the city.

All in all a good weekend!

So I am 38. Ouch, it hurts!!!

Shower details

2009-11-09T08:35:00.002-05:00

My mom and sister(s) hosted my shower. I put the S in parenthesis because I was not supposed to know my younger sister was flying out from California to be here. My mom can not hold a secret, so it did slip about a week before. I needed to act surprised when she got there... I tried but acting is not my thing.

I had about 60 people on my invite list. All but 3 people RSVP's they would be there. Out of that, 5 people just didn't bother to show and one person called my mom to tell her she was getting sick and did not want to risk spreading her germs.

We had my shower at a local private clubs function facility. My theme was jungle and my mom and sisters did a great job in decorating. The centerpieces were yellow and orange daisies they had orange and yellow table clothes all around. Definitly not your run of the mill blue for boy shower - thank goodness.

They had a game set up at the table. It was for people to match the answers to mine. Some of the questions and answers were very generic and based on my situation of knowing I will deliver early and knowing I am infertile I could not answer very easy. For example, it asked when I would have another child: a)1 year b) two years c) Heck no I am done.

Sorry but I could not bring myself to circle an answer. I would LOVE to say in 1-2 years but God forbid people hold me to it and I get the "so are you pregnant yet" comments in another year. In reality it may be I am done without the "heck no" because we will never be able to afford IVF again unless some miracle lottery winnings are in my future. BUT at the same time I am not going on birth control and hoping for a miracle.

So anyway, I stared at this quiz for the longest time and turned to my sister and said ... mmm this is silly do you have anything else? Yes she did, a word search and the guess how big my stomach is game. Everyone played after dinner.

My mom had appetizers of shrimp cocktail, cheese and crackers and veggies and dip for the first hour as people were arriving. My mother in law was over an hour late... stuck in traffic because of construction that Scott warned them about. Oh well. at least she made it.

The main course was an Italian buffet, meatballs, stuffed shells, chicken broccoli and ziti, sausage caccatori (sp) and eggplant parmigiana. She ordered way too much food for about 50 people but got to go containers for everyone to take some food home.

For dessert we had assorted pastries and the cake. Now the cake was awesome. Done last minute because the original cake maker (a cousin of one of my friends) needed to back out from making the cake a week before for a family emergency. So my sister scrambled to find a cake maker that could do something in a jungle theme without it looking like a kids birthday cake. This is the end result:

I thought it was awesome and everyone loved it!! Oh, it tasted good too =)

I got a ton of gifts. It amazes me the generosity of my friends and family. We got about 30 things off the registry, mostly the larger items which helps a ton. And clothes. Tons and tons of clothes - so much that Dillon is all set for the first 6 months of his life, and then some. I think I can do 3 clothing changes a day for a week and not have to do laundry!

One very cool presentation of a gift was a diaper bag. There was 2 strings hanging out. When you opened the bag and grabbed the strings, it was a clothes line filled with outfits:

Everyone had a great time. I was exhausted when it was all through.

Wow I am slacking on the updates

2009-11-06T20:32:00.003-05:00

Sorry, I have been busy. Hard to believe a person on bed rest could be busy, but in my mind I am. I am also ordering those around me whom I love dearly around, and that takes up a lot of time =)

So the shower went wonderfully. I got so much clothes, I doubt Dillon will wear them all. At least I will not have to do laundry for him for a couple of weeks at a time =) Most everything is new born size, then some are 3-6 months. Sitting going through everything amazed me.

The shower was great. My friends and family seemed to have a great time. I had a great time, although I could not move around and mingle as much as I would have liked. I was exhausted when it was through though and conked out on the sofa for the rest of the night.

Next day I had my OB appointment. Blood pressure the same, protein lowered to with in normal range - Woohoo. So I asked Dr. J if that meant I could continue on until I am in labor. Nope, the benefits of baking the bean longer is not worth putting me at risk past 37 weeks. So she scheduled me for induction. I go into the hospital December 8th and hopefully will have no problems being induced so I can meet my little one.

I am scared and excited. I am also looking forward to getting off this sofa. Dillon and I may have to take some trips to the mall to get out of the house once this is all through!

That brings me to my busyness. I need to get things done. I went through the clothes and figured out what needed washing right away. I order Scott around telling him where to put everything in the nursery. I gave him a "Daddy to do" list a mile long of everything that needs to be done in the next 4-5 weeks, including cleaning the house (it is starting to look like a bachelor pad), putting the car seat bases in the cars and putting together the swing, and everything else that needs putting together. I want all the boxes out of the nursery and I want it looking like a real room before I go in the hospital. Easy if I were to do it. Not so much for Scott who has been doing EVERYTHING and I am super thankful to have him taking such good care of us!

Next, my crib arrived. Making the crib would have been on the list. But there is a problem. The headboard has a huge scratch on it. Wonderful! So I called the furniture place and they will be sending someone by next week to look at it. They could either re-finish it or order me a new headboard. Frustrating and aggravating, but hopefully they can take care of it before Dillon comes home.

So that is a week in the life of a bed rest soon to be momma!

Made it to my goal!

2009-10-29T22:19:00.002-04:00

Well, not officially yet since my shower is not until Sunday, but today was my last doctors appointment until then and things went great there. My b/p is still hovering on the border 140/80. Not great but not super elevated, not enough for the doctor to ship me to hospital bed rest at this point.

Dillon continues to do well. I got the pleasure of seeing him twice this week because he slept through the NST on Monday and was not moving about as much as they liked, so they had me go for an u/s to just check him. Of course, as soon as they unhooked me from the monitor I could feel him tapping his toes so was not worried at all. He really is pretty active most of the day, he deserves some down time! So we viewed him on u/s and he was great both Monday and Thursday. He scored 8 for 8 again.

My shower is this weekend and today I was surprised with a visit from my sister who lives out in California. Okay not a real surprise, because my mother can not keep a secret to save her life...e Shh, don't tell her I knew she was coming. BUT even still it is great that she flew all the way here to visit me. She told me she could not let me be pregnant without her seeing me! So sweet!

My shower is Sunday and I am starting to get excited. Not only for the shower itself but to get out of the house and socialize with people I have not seen in what feels like forever. Of course I am stalking my registry and a ton of things have been bought! So exciting!! Plus, I got a call today that my crib will be here next week!

Scott put a status update on his Facebook tonight, that caught me a little off guard. It read "Dillon will be here in 6-8 weeks" WOW! I am looking more at the 6 weeks, since the doctors have told me it was unlikely they would not induce me by then. SIX WEEKS! I am scared, nervous and excited all at the same time.

Thursday was much smoother

2009-10-23T13:50:00.003-04:00

I got in and out within 2 hours. Dillon scored 8 for 8 in the u/s so he is still doing wonderfully and he weighs 3 pounds 6 ounces at this point, in the 40th percentile, which the u/s tech said was "normal". So all in all his growth is going good.

I am getting used to doing nothing. My mother gave me a weekend furlough to hang with my husband in my own home, which needless to say is nice. I am sneaking out next week to get my hair dyed and cut for my shower. Shhh - do not tell my doctor. I tried to get permission but when I asked if I could go any where, she shook her head. I can not see how a haircut would "hurt" though since I will be sitting in a chair, plus I will be driven too and from. Not much more activity then sitting on my sofa, and hair cuts can be relaxing!

My mom is a God send. I am so thankful to live near family to "take care of me" in times like these. She is doing my laundry, she has cooked all week and she is not even batting an eye. I have not lived home in close to 15 years so it is a weird for both of us... As my dad said "what happened to my empty nest". But he also has been great, driving me to and from appointments, picking me up my decaf iced Dunkin Donuts coffee each day (I am addicted), and taking care of my dog.

I know I spent the last week or so whining and I do not want to come across as a whiny brat. I was just got caught of guard with all of this since nothing really was different from the day I was working and going to the doctor to when I was admitted to the hospital to now when I am restricted to bathroom breaks. I guess I do not fully understand it. I will do whatever it takes to keep Dillon healthy. I just thought the whole thing was too much - too soon.

So one week and two doctors appointments until my shower. I guess 31 weeks and 5 days is my first goal. Almost there!

Doctors appointment from hell

2009-10-20T21:25:00.003-04:00

First, as an agreement to my release I can not drive, so I am relying on my step dad to take me to and from appointments. I know it is a small thing but I hate relying on other people. I am 37 (38 in two weeks) and I have been reverted into the freshman in high school waiting for a ride. But I digress.

So we head to the appointment, 1/2 hour early as suggest by Dr. K so my b/p can settle down once there. We sit across from two 13 year olds, acting 13 - loud, obnoxious, the whole bit. I think to myself "Please God tell me she is not pregnant"...

I am then called in for my non stress test. Dillon is in a funky spot, lower right corner and the straps keep rising and flopping around not keeping the heart monitor thing in place. So she asks me to flip to my side. I do and it is a tad uncomfortable with the straps on my pants half down and my shirt half up. She covers me in a sheet, which just makes me hot and we listen to his heartbeat for about 5 minutes. He was sleeping, so she came with this buzzer thing and woke him up. He was jumping all around after that. I stay there for 1/2 hour and then she turns off the machine but tells me not to take off the monitor until she can show the results to the doctor. Okay.

About 5 minutes pass, I am really hot and uncomfortable at this point and can not wait for her to release me. She comes back, "the doctor wants a few more minutes" Great! So about 15 more minutes pass. She leaves with the results and then comes back and tells me to wait outside to see my doctor.

I go back out and the annoying teenagers are still there and still annoying. A few minutes later and older visibly pregnant woman (sad when I call someone about the same age as me older) come out of the office area and collects what I assume are her kids. Thank God! Not just for her getting them out of there, but that they were there with their parent and not for themselves!

Twenty minutes click by, still waiting. Still crowded. I am then called in. Weight check, take off my Uggs. 152 - yikes! Up 20 pounds so far. B/p check... 165/70. I freak a little, explain how this is my first time up since being on bed rest and how I have been there for two hours already... The nurse looks at me like I have 3 heads and doesn't seem to care. "The doctor will be in in a minute - here is your cup"

She leaves, I go pee in a cup and prepare my speech for when the doctor comes in. Another 15 minutes pass. It is now 4:15 for a 3pm appointment (they are never this bad)! Tick - tock.

Dr J comes in and says "let me retake your pressure, it was a little high when you came in" She takes it and it has fallen to 142/60, still in the high range and not where I know they want it. So I start my speech "I have been here now for 3 hours, it is my first day out since bed rest, I take my b/p at home and get 110/50 - 120/60 pretty consistently. BLAH BLAH BLAH" What I am really saying is please do not send me back please!

And the tears start flowing. I swear I am not a crier, at least I wasn't until the past few weeks.

Dr J looks at me sympathetically, she tells me she knows I want what is best for my little one after going through so much to get him. She then says "I want you to go next door and be monitored for two hours" She swears up and down she will not keep me but can't send me home with a high b/p... I look at the clock and it is now 4:30, so I will not be home until 7 and I was hungry then.

I go out to the waiting room and tell my step father to go home, I would call Scott to get me after he is out of work. Of course, tears are flowing. I reassure him all was fine and they just want more monitoring then I walk to the hospital. Mind you the whole way I am muttering "why is it okay for a person on bed rest to walk a block to a hospital and then a mile once in there (if you have never been to MGH it is like it's own city), but I can't go get a pedicure"

I go to L&D they hook me up again to the NST type machine, and to a b/p cuff that goes off every 10 minutes. The midwife on duty there comes in and asks why Dr. J sent me there and I explain I have doctor anxiety and my b/p is only high when I am in her office... She leaves as I sit and wait for the first b/p... 128/60 - already down. Next one, 120/60 and a third 120/60 again.

Okay can I go now?

A nurse comes in and does a blood draw for kidney function. She tells me that I will have to wait for the results. Ridiculous. This will be my 5th blood draw in about a weeks time and it has yet to come back with anything concerning.
I hear the midwife talking to the resident "she has doctor anxiety, let her leave and we will call with the results" ... he agrees!

I call Scott and he is there within 10 minutes and I am home for supper. No calls with bad results. Not surprisingly.

Next up is my appointment Thursday. I hope things go smoother.

Tomorrow is D day

2009-10-18T16:48:00.001-04:00

So I have been out of the hospital since Wednesday afternoon. Things are going well. I do not feel any differently then I have been. I have been sitting on the sofa and lying in bed. Scott is wonderful and has been getting me all I need.

But, my blood pressure has been higher then it has been - 130/78 pretty consistently. This has been the highest it has ever been and I have been doing nothing.

I fear tomorrow will be my last free day. If I have to walk into my doctors office, most likely my b/p will be higher from just walking. If my pressure is high I will be admitted. In all honestly the hospital is not more boring then sitting at home. Yes, I have to deal with roommates, hopefully none that snore like trains. I also have the tiniest of bathrooms and showers, but if I should be admitted this time I know what I will need to bring to make my stay as homey as possible.

What I do not want is to miss my shower. This is the one thing I had been looking forward to. A right of passage of pregnancy in my mind. Something I have wanted for 7 years now. Of course, the health of Dillon out weighs everything. But if I am just sitting in a hospital and they do not do anything but monitor me, can I not have a shower too?

Tomorrow will tell me...

Day 2 at home

2009-10-16T14:13:00.002-04:00

I love being home! It is so much more relaxing then worrying about being cordial to a room mate or having to be awake at 6am for a blood pressure check. Watching TV with Scott and having my shows DVR'd to catch up on at any time.

Scott is being great. Making me breakfast and lunch and taking care of the dog. I know it is not easy on him, but he is doing wonderfully.

My mom comes over two times a day to take my blood pressure, which for the most part has remained low. Except for yesterday when I was watching Scott play a video game and I got a little worked up. It is amazing how small things makes my pressure rise. So I learn what "stressors" to stay away from.

My mom is having me stay at her house next week when Scott goes back to work. She will not take any if ands or buts. So I will pack my bag and Scott and I will head over there. It is closer to his work so it is not out of his way, but the last thing he really wants is to hang at the in laws for weeks. Anything to keep me out of the hospital though.

I am worried they will send me back in. I want to make it to my shower in 2 weeks, but I need what is best for the baby. I have a NST on Monday and a growth u/s on Thursday. I will have those each week from now until the birth. If either of those 2 things show something off with the baby, I am done and the baby is cooked. They will induce me.

Right now, Dillon is moving around like a champ! So that is a little reassuring!

Hurry up and wait.

2009-10-14T11:44:00.002-04:00

Doctors made rounds early this morning. Even before breakfast.

First they stopped at my roommates bed. You are going home, eat some breakfast, call your husband and get ready. We will have your discharge papers put together soon.

Next was my stop. I kind of cringe when I see them coming now. "Your b/p was low again this morning" (130/50) We discussed it and the kidney doctors (yes they do have a formal name but I can not say it, let alone spell it) and they want to run a couple more tests. After that you can go home on STRICT bed rest and continued monitoring two times a week. The next time you get admitted would be for good, so be sure to follow the orders.

Score.

So I call Scott and call my mother, who will take care of me when Scott is working. Then call my sister and tell her not to visit since I will be going in and out for tests and then breaking out.

Then I wait for the kidney doctors. And wait. You know the drill. At about 11:30 she comes in and tells me all she wants is some blood work then she agrees with the other doctors about busting me out. She takes my pulse, good again. She leaves and I expect the nurse any minute with her needle and bruise making devices. Nothing.... HELLO!!! Where are you?

So that is where I am right now. Lunch is about to be served. Ick. Hopefully this will be my last meal in the hospital and I can get this over with!

Tuesday came and went

2009-10-14T05:23:00.002-04:00

And I am still staring at the same 4 walls I was all weekend.

The "Kidney doctor" came in this morning and asked a bunch of questions, had me pee in yet another cup and told me that she wanted to look at it herself in the lab. She would be back to discuss everything.

In the mean time, I got a new room mate. She also has Pre - E but her b/b is threw the roof higher then mine is. She needed to run a urine and wait for results as well. We sat and waited together. Lunch came and went, dinner too. Nothing. I kept telling myself that if they let her home, they had to let me home because my b/p is so much lower then hers. She even said my "high b/p" is lower then her low.

I called Scott and told him to come in so when they let me go I wouldn't have to wait for him. He came and watched the clock tick along with me. 5pm, 6pm, 7pm... not word. I assumed since they had not been around I would be stuck another night so told Scott to leave and bring me back clean clothes for tomorrow.

About 10 minutes after he left Dr K came in and stopped at the first bed of my roomie. He told her he wanted to monitor the b/p for 1 more day but could leave tomorrow if she promised to do strict bed rest. She agreed happily. On the way over to my bed, he tells her "I am afraid this one will not go as smoothly"... Hello WTF!

So he makes his way over and says he doesn't agree with the kidney doctors, he wants more tests run. It appears the kidney doctors think it is a strict case of Pre-E, the HR OB does not, since there is blood in the urine. He thinks there is underlying factors being brushed aside and wants all the i's and t's dotted and crossed. He asked if I could give him 2-3 more days to run tests that would be easier to run if I was still admitted into the hospital.

He also told me if it were to be a case of Pre E that he is concerned about my anxiety driven high B/P. Basically he says that people with steady increases in b/p do much better because the arteries increase over time. Because mine shoot up just when I am anxious, I am at a higher risk for a stroke or amulism (sp)? So if he were to send me home, I really can not get mad, drive, or do anything. 24/7 bed rest just like in the hospital and he does not want me to stay home alone either. He said that if that is what I want he will rally with the attending physician in the morning, but he can not make any promises. He also said if I left against their wishes that he would "respect" that and still treat me as an out patient, but he would be worried I would push myself too far.

That leaves me where I am now. At 5am after being awake since 2am because my roommate snores and weighing my options. If I stay here, uncomfortable, not able to sleep or eat what I want when I want, how healthy is it for my stress level? I tell you when I could not get back to sleep at 2am because of the chain saw in the bed next to me, my head was pounding and shoulders tense.

I pretty much am just here - there really is no medical intervention going on. They take my b/p at 6am, 10am, 2pm, 7pm and then about 10pm. I am asked if I am feeling the same symptoms every time they come into the room and my answer is "no". Rinse - repeat. I live 10 minutes from the hospital so there will be no major delay in getting me here if something should go wrong and I would agree to monitoring appointments 2-3 times a week. If my b/p should shoot up uncontrollably THEN place me back on bedrest. But not at this point. To me it just makes no sense to have me in a hospital bed for 11 weeks, especially when my levels are relatively low. My mother is a nurse and even suggested me staying at her house and she can check my b/p and take care of me.

So at the rounds tomorrow that is what I am going to ask them about. I can not rest and not sleep and be extremely uncomfortable much longer. I can't.

Monday is before Tuesday

2009-10-12T11:52:00.003-04:00

The rounds with my doctor did not go so hot. She said she was hoping to spring me out today as a surprise but my urine came back with higher protein again - in the 1000's. She did says she will attribute the high b/p to the events of yesterday, if today's go back down to where they were and they are back down, but after all this she is baffled and is going back to her pre-e diagnosis.

I will still see a urologist tomorrow, she reran my liver function blood work and I am now peeing in a stainer in hopes to find some speck of a stone that I am passing. I am not hopeful for tomorrow at all. All I can see is this specialist wanting to run even more testing. I just wish I knew for sure what all this is!

Now for my daily whine:

I hate ALL the food here. The coffee tastes like it is 3 days old. I hate b/p check and being woken up at 6am to get a b/p check when technically I should be resting. I also am convinced my no roommate luck will be over by the end of the day and am sure I will get ZERO sleep tonight. I am having portobella mushrooms stuffed with Gorgonzola cheese. Sounds good doesn't it? I know it will taste like ass though.

Trucking along

2009-10-11T21:22:00.002-04:00

This morning during rounds the doctor came to me and says all things considering she really does not think this is Pre E, she thinks the 2 elevated blood pressures of a couple of weeks ago were a fluke if anything. She said if all things check out they will release me on Tuesday... YAY

So some good news to start the day. And that is where good news leaves us for a bit...

I got a new roommate yesterday. Nice girl in her 20's with IUI twin girls at 24 weeks. She was in because her doctor from another hospital was concerned about her shortened cervix, but that hospital does not have L&D. She was given an IV and then steroid shots and was going to be released today on strict bedrest once she received her final steroid shot.

So she calls her husband to pick her up. He can not get in right away, so she asks the nurse if she can stay a few hours. "No problem, we will order you lunch and wait to do the discharge". So an hour or so passes, she goes to take a shower and comes out in pain. She pages the nurse, tells her she is having cramping... Next thing you know she is 3cm dilated. They need to get her on IV STAT to try to stop the contractions. They wheel her off upstairs.

This is the second roommate who went into labor. I was very concerned about the twin mama, she talked on the phone a lot, but she was a sweet girl calling her babies her "little women". The nurse came and told me she had delivered and the babies were doing good. I will continue to think of them and hope they will grow big and strong.

After all this went down, the nurse thought it great timing to take my blood pressure. 148/50. Well, wouldn't your blood pressure rise too! Not to mention I was watching the Red Sox! So the nurse said she will make note about everything that went on and hopefully the doctor will take that into consideration when checking the charts in the AM.

So next check (I get checked every 4 hours. sitting up and then lying down) she has me lie down, and my bp is in the 120/50. Good! She then starts talking about the labor process and how I will be a pro now since I got to watch it/listen 2 times now. Yadda Yadda... Sit up, my blood pressure is 142/55. Okay - you think we can not talk during checks any more?

All is right with my night check, a new nurse. Both times in the 130's. Getting lower. So I plan on chalking this up to 1 person delivering 2 babies, 1 devastating Red Sox loss and 1 devastating Patriots loss. I will wake up tomorrow and all will be right in the world. Plans will remain to let me out Tuesday! Fingers crossed.

So

2009-10-11T21:20:00.002-04:00

Waving a white flag

2009-10-10T16:01:00.002-04:00

So forget my post from the other day, things changed quickly since then. No my "symtpoms" or lack there of remain the same, but how the doctors decided to proceed took a 180.

I got a call at 11 am on my way into work from Dr. Jolin. "I think at this point we are going to suggest admitting you" - Jaw Drop - "Your protein from yesterday rose a bit and shows a trace of blood in the urine, I know you b/p has been steady but that is something we want to take a closer look at too..." blah blah "So plan to be in there for either over night, the weekend or until the end of the pregnancy depending on what we find"

My first thought is how can I go from feeling good to 24 hour bedrest at a hospital. My next thought was crap, I am going to miss work. Third thought was I really hope I am not in the hospital for 2-3 months.

So I call work and tell them what is going down, then I call Scott and tell him he needs to take me in. He don't get it either. I start packing my bag, not even really knowing what to bring. I have a change of clothes for when I come home, my brush and toothbrush, my laptop cell phone and all my chargers. What else? Oh underwear, bra, hair tie, socks. Hmm do I need anything else?

We drive in, get checked in and put me in a room with someone in labor. So for the next 3 hours I am listening to her deep breathing in pain, the heart rate of her baby, and her family being annoying. Even me not being in labor thought they were annoying, I am sure she wanted to jump across the room and strangle them.

So we sit and wait, the doctor comes to talk to me. He says he is not 100% this is Pre E, but something is going on with the liver. He already ruled out a UTI at this point, now lets try a u/s on the liver to rule out infection or stones. He also wanted me to repeat the 24 hour urine test.

So I get wheeled down to the u/s lab like an invalid. They get a few picks of both kidneys, but could not get a complete view of my bladder with the little guys head popping into view every few seconds. "That will have to do" said the tech.

I get wheeled back to my room. Blood pressure if great at 110/60. Everything is great. So the nurse says "we will start your 24 hour urine first thing in the morning and I am sure they will let you go once those results are in" YAY, so I guesstimate by Sunday afternoon I will be home.

The woman in labor is transferred to the labor room. I have a private room for the night. I am also allowed to move over to the window bed. Room with a view of the Charles River and the sail boats! Much better the the green curtain and bathroom door!

I fall asleep to the Red Sox losing (grumble - grumble) and wake up at 6am to a nurse telling me to lets get this urine test started so I can get out of here. The first pee in a bucket of the day! I order breakfast, take my pills, watch some TV then the doctors on rounds come in...

My high risk doctor is there, Dr. K, he tells me that in yesterdays urine I had some crystals and more traces of blood. They could not see anything in the Kidney and the kidneys weren't infected, but it may be in the bladder, but since baby is blocking the view he can not say for sure. He thinks the best course of action would be for me to see a urologist. Of course he reminds me that he is not 100% ruling out PreE either at this point.

He also says since it is a long weekend the soonest the urologist would see me is Tuesday morning. Tears well in my eyes. He says he could discharge me but it would be at least 1-2 months before I would get an appointment with someone. Since I am in the hospital it is best I stay and am seen right away. More tears. The doctor says very soothing "you are not fighting off tears are you?" Bawl. "I do not want to stay here until Tuesday! If nothing is wrong I will do exactly what I am doing here at home"

He tells me that I tried very hard to obtain this pregnancy, and they are trying very hard to make sure they don't allow anything to go wrong. I most likely will be released on Tuesday, but he needs for me to continue with the 24 hour urine and have my b/p monitored. He said when they do release me I will need to be on bedrest at home. No sweat as long as I can breath fresh air again!

So that brings me to now at 5pm on Saturday. 2 more days of torture to go. The days seem to go by 3 times as long in this room. Oh and I have a new room mate. A girl pregnant with twin girls from IUI! She seems quiet enough and is here on bedrest too, so hopefully no contractions will be starting and tonight will be quiet!

Bi - weekly doctors appointment

2009-10-09T09:03:00.002-04:00

For the past couple of weeks, I have been 'fit in' to any doctors spot that is open for my second appointment of the week. I feel like I know every single doctor in the practice. Which is a good thing, since when I go into labor I get which ever doctor is scheduled on L&D that day. The down side is I find I like some doctors more then others.

Yesterday I had a doctor that was not very personable. She seemed to be rushed. "Hi, I'm Dr. B, how you feeling - good - any symptoms (lists them off) - good - are you on bed rest - no, OH" I told her Dr. J said as long as my BP stayed down I could continue to work... "What do you do for work"... scribbles something in her notes. "What about steroids, has Dr J told you about wanting to give you steroids to prepare the babies lungs" no... silence. Could you elaborate??? It is something to consider in case you need to deliver early, I am sure Dr J will go over it with you"

Then at the end of the appointment she drops the bombshell that she and Dr. J will team up for my 'case'. They feel it better that I see the same doctors all the time rather then being shuffled around, since Dr. J is only there 1 time a week, I will need to see someone else as well. But I am not sure I like you Dr B, I thought. And I like Dr. J's plan of no bed rest... please do not collaborate with her and put me on bed rest when my BP is low, it was 130/70 yesterday.

Then she tells me to get my blood work redrawn to check kidney function... Took the blood girl two times to find my vein. At which point I lost it... "Is there a reason why NO ONE here can find my vein?" Then I took a breathe and realized she needs to stick me again. So in a more calm tone "I had my blood drawn all the time and no one had trouble, now that I am pregnant I can never get a clean blood draw, is it something with me being pregnant?" (or you people just SUCKING). "Oh that is weird" says the woman. Yep, weird.

So 2 pin holes and 2 bruises later I leave mumbling under my breathe, 2 more months, how many more blood draws could I possibly need in 2 months?

Every baby needs a mural

2009-10-08T07:52:00.010-04:00

When my sister got pregnant with here twins, I told her I would paint a mural for her nursery. She declined. In which I said, why not? Every baby needs a mural. Of course I had not painted anything in over 15 years at that point and she was nervous that I was basically talking out of my ass. I have always been pretty artistic, but in a way she was right. I never painted a mural before and although I would try my hardest to get it just right I had no idea if it would come out how my mind perceived it should.

So 7 years later I am blessed with my miracle. My first thought was to look on the internet for wall paper murals. My expensive taste kicked into gear and everything I liked was way over budget for something that would only be on a wall for 4-5 years, if that. Then I discovered Elephants on the Wall, paint by number murals. It looked pretty easy and from all the costumer comments it was easy. Plus it fit into the budget and one of their series fit into my nursery theme. So why not?

I ordered it. Once it arrived I was afraid I got myself over my head. Scott secretly was scared it would turn out looking like stick figures... Well I am very pleased by the finished product and so is Scott!

Monkey will be hanging out to the right of the crib:

Hippo will be standing on top of a bookcase (as soon as we put it together):

Giraffe and friends will be to the left of the changing table/ dresser:

Elephant is playing hide and seek behind the door:

And momma giraffe is watching out for everyone from up high:

So the largest and scariest project is now out of the way. Now the wait continues for the crib, which hopefully will be here any day now!

My almost New Year's baby will be here for Christmas

2009-10-03T11:17:00.003-04:00

I had a follow up OB appointment yesterday and asked her what the chances of me going the full 40 weeks will be with preeclampsia. She told me that there would be a 99% chance that they will induce me at 37 weeks since the risk of staying pregnant after that point would be too high. She also told me that I may even be induced earlier dependent on how fast the preeclempsia progressed. Because the on set started fairly early in the pregnancy, there may be a need to induce earlier. Either 32 or 34 weeks.

At this point they will do everything in their power to allow me to get to 32 weeks. Which means either bed rest of hospitalization with BP meds if things get to be bad enough to warrant it. At this point, I will continue to be monitored two times a week on an outpatient bases because everything is on the lower end right now. She did however warn me that preeclampsia can progress rapidly, so to be prepared.

My head was spinning when I left the office. It caught me off guard and made me realize that I only have less then 2 months before Dillon is here and there is still so much left to do. His crib isn't even here yet. The nursery is far from close to complete. I do not have anything and was waiting for after the baby shower to add on to what I may need. My shower is at my first goal mark of 32 weeks and that is 4 weeks away.

Christmas shopping. I need to get some things for our families and now for baby. Yes Dillon will not realize if Santa does not make his presence this year, but I always imagined the "Baby's first" orniment on the tree and the cute little Christmas outfit. Yes, all of this is irrational to a point, but it was the first thing I focused on. I know our families woulf understand if I were to be placed on bed rest or give birth and not get them a gift. I do know that.

Not to mention if I should go on bed rest. Who will take care of the house and the food and the dog. Scott has always been wonderful, but I hate to leave the burden on him. Add to that the burden of the bills being paid and me not working for an additional couple of months. Also, Scott starts a new job and we will be paying Cobra for insurance coverage for the first couple of months. All of which would be okay with two incomes. Tight, very tight, on just one. I know financially we have been able to make it before and we will again. I just was really not planning for this. Does anyone really?

I know I need to breath and go with the flow and stop over analyzing everything. I am a worrier, that is what I do. So for the last day I have spent half the time worrying and the other half over analyzing every pain or twinge I may have felt so I can call the doctor if symptoms start.

32 week is my first goal. I can make it to the first goal. Breath!

The New Adventures of Old Kristine

2009-09-30T10:03:00.002-04:00

Catchy title that is fitting for my last few days...

Sunday - I do my 24 hour urine test because of elevated proteins in my urine. Weird peeing in a bucket. Weirder that I have to take bucket with me to work and pee in a stall in a bucket. I only had to explain it to one person. I told her to go ahead of me, she insisted I go first. I refused saying I rather not have her have to watch me pouring my urine from the collection holder into the bucket... Okay then. Too much information? Oh well.

Monday - Doctors appointment. Blood pressure - 140/60. Again still in the "borderline" high, even though the bottom number (is that systolic?) is low. Pee in cup (don't they have enough pee from the bucket?). Talk to the nurse about the glucose test tomorrow. Talk to the doctor about me being pre-pre eclamptic, she says that although I am borderline at this point she will be cautious and just treat me as though I am pre eclamptic. She explains everything to me and tells me she sees a ton of pre eclampsia cases a day and there is nothing to be concerned about.

So I go home and start my nursery project. Painting murals on the wall. The first is a monkey in a tree... It was easier then I imagined and if I do say so myself came out pretty damn good!
Go out to eat with Scott. I am going to eat good since I have to fast tomorrow!

Come home to a message on my machine. It is Dr. J - "We got your 24 hours urine sample back from the lab. It shows you are spilling a lot of protien. Since you will be here tomorrow, we would like to do an u/s. It is 7pm now, so have me paged when you get in in the morning so I can talk to you".

I freak out because I have an u/s scheduled for next week. Why do they have to bump that one up? Why did the doctor call and not a nurse? Why do I have to page my doctor in the morning? All of which in my racing mind, with no answers, freaks me out! I cry a little. A hide that I am nervous from Scott. Who doesn't buy it. I call my mother who tells me, the doctor called because the nurses went home. She had pre-e and a ton of u/s with my sister. Relax, breath. My sister is okay and so will Dillon. Okay. Good I am somewhat calm now.

Tuesday - Go in for my 3 hour glucose, which should really be 4 hours since that is how long I am there for. 7am, no coffee, no food = cranky. I check in and have Dr J paged, then I am called for my first blood draw. This girl is good - in and out, no issues. I am told to come back every hour. Okay.

I go into the waiting room and my nurse comes out to tell me she talked to Dr. J and that she scheduled my u/s. She says she just likes to be precautious since I had elevated protien in my urine and that they will be doing a series of u/s from this point on to track the growth. Nothing to worry about. Okay done.

So I spend the next 4 hours in between blood draws and u/s.

Dillon is thriving. He is 2 pounds 6 ounces (right where he should be). His lungs were doing practice breathing which the u/s tech says is good. Everything was perfect with him and he loved the sugar high he was on from the glucose syrup thing I had to drink. He was dancing all around.

I wish I could say my blood draws went as well. I went back and had nurse hatchet, a different blood drawer then my first. She stuck me 6 times to get 3 vials for 3 hours. I have had my blood drawn 5000 times in the past 3 years with my thyroid, and monitoring for IUI's and IVF's and never once have I ever come away with a bruise... right now my arms are covered in them!!!

As I was about to leave, my nurse comes in. "Oh good, perfect timing! Dr J still wants to talk to you. I will have the front desk page her, wait here until you speak to her"... So I wait. 10 minutes. I am hungry, I am tired I have been here for 4 hours. I go to the front desk and tell them to have Dr. J call me at home.

I head home. When I get in, the phone is ringing. "Hi it is Dr J sorry I couldn't get back to you right away...blah blah... we want you to come in to L&D and be monitored for an extended amount of time. We want to make sure all is okay with you and baby - plan to spend the night"
She assures me not to worry, that they just want to be sure the babies heart rate and my blood pressure do not spike or anything.

Of course not worrying is not an option. Spending hours on a monitor is not normal when pregnant.

So I eat, call my mom and Scott. Freak out. Head in.

I am there for about 7 hours. Hooked up to machines. Blood pressure is low - 110/60 - 120/70 the entire time. Babies heart rate is in the 140's - 150's.

All is good.

So they send me home and tell me that I will need to come in 2 times a week from now on.

Hopefully my blood pressure will stay low so I do not have to repeat this adventure any time soon. Hopefully no new adventures will begin and the baby will stay in there nice and cozy and growing big and strong.

Official dx - Preeclampsia

2009-09-24T13:59:00.002-04:00

So I got the call today that my urine showed slight elevation of protein. They wanted me to come in this afternoon to repeat the urine test and blood pressure.

My blood pressure is considered borderline at 140/60 but I need to wait to see what the protein levels come back at. I was given the container for a 24 hour urine test, where basically I will pee in a bucket for 24 hours and they will test how much protein is in my urine for that 24 hours. They told me they would call and let me know when to do it, if not for this weekend then sometime soon.

I will also see my doctor once a week for the foreseeable future for repeats of blood pressure and urine. They are being proactive, but I am nervous none the less. My mom had Pre - E with my sister and things turned out all right on that end, she did need a C-section however. Of course I need to not freak Scott out. He is nervous. Very nervous about everything I do (Have I ever told you guys how much I love him) so I do not want to freak him out at this point. Hopefully he is not goog-ling - because I freaked out when I goog-led.

The Mayo clinics site was the best, so I will stick with them. Pre-E is common, common in older woman's pregnancies and if watched carefully all should be all right. What gives me some relief is that I am 26 weeks at this point, so I am almost at the home stretch. I just need to take it one week at a time.

Ehh not the best doctors appointment

2009-09-23T09:01:00.002-04:00

I went in for my 26 week appointment yesterday. To start I had to do the 1 hour glucose test. No biggy, drink nasty coke spiked with more sugar then get your blood drawn and hour later. Next go in to pee in a cup, weight check (I gained 19 pounds since being pregnant and an additional 10 while going through treatment - sigh), blood pressure check.

When getting my blood pressure taken I usually get a comment on how low it is. Not today. The nurse just left the room and told me the doctor will be right in. Next, another nurse comes in to re-take my blood pressure. Okay.

Next the doctor comes in and tells my my blood pressure when I first came in was very high, but went down a bit. She tells me because of this, they will move my next appointment up to two weeks and will need to draw some blood to check proteins etc. She tells me about pre eclampsia and tells me I am not showing any signs of it, but they want to keep a close eye on me.

I also get my first of every 4 week u/s starting next appointment. That is due to the missing protein in the placenta that was discovered at the NT scan. The u/s is to check for growth and if it appears Dillon stops growing or does not grow at the rate he is supposed to, they will induce me early. The doctor said, usually that doesn't happen but it is something to look out for. She also said she is not concerned by it at all and I "should be happy to get to see my baby every 4 weeks" - I am =)

She measured my ute and all is right on track. I got a flu shot. Then I was given info on what to do should I fail my 1 hour glucose test. I thought to myself there would be no way of me feeling, I eat good, not a sweet person at all (although I did have a cereal bar on the way in to the appointment). Then a blood draw. 5 vials.

The next day I get the call - bloodwork is back. Thyroid - 1.7, check. Protiens - normal. Glucose - "slightly elevated"... Follow the instructions given and come in for the 3 hour fasting test Tuesday. Wonderful.

So here I am with high blood pressure, high glucose and hoping by next appointment all of this will be back to normal.

Babysitting the dogs

2009-09-17T14:40:00.002-04:00

My mom went to California to visit my sister, I get the pleasure of watching her two dogs, plus my own. I keep thinking so this is what having three kids is like... So glad I am just having one!

Bailey is the trouble maker. He has chewed apart my dog toy basket, a roll of tape and a cardboard box so far. Plus he has ALL the toys all over the place. I clean them up, 30 minutes later they are right back where he apparently wants them.

PJ is the stubborn one. She loves being outside, but she also loves barking at birds, dogs, cats, squirrels, what ever thing that moves. To get her to come in is a challenge. She will look at me and walk away. I let them out at 6:30am today and she was going crazy at something. So out I go, no socks or shoes, my jammies and try to get her to come in... I had to trapes through mud and dirt to get her attention, but after only waking up half the neighborhood would she listen.

Then there is my dog, Jaxie, the aligator. Why is she an aligator? Because she hates both dogs and the fact that they are evading her quiet time. She wants nothing to do with them and snaps as soon as one comes over to say "Hi". She also gets quite defensive over her food. Everything in the house is hers and hers alone. 3 bones are hers, not just the one mom gave her. Nope get away everyone and leave my stuff alone! She is getting better now that it is going on day 3 but it was a challenge to feed them all. There goes her diet!

Dog walking - I have a new found appreciation for dog walkers and the herd of puppies they drag around. Not one of them likes to go the same speed or in the same direction.

Sleeping - I am pregnant, I need my space... well so do 3 dogs, none of which like to sleep anywhere but on a bed. I had Jaxie up near my pillow, loud snoring and all. PJ in between my legs and Bailey sprawled out in the bottom of the bed taking up enough room for a black lab!

Like I said it is getting better as the days go on, but the countdown until next Thursday is on! Come and take these monsters, I mean dogs, home!

Hmm this isn't as fun as I thought

2009-09-15T10:26:00.002-04:00

Last week Scott was on vacation with the sole thing on our calendar being the nursery. His "duty" was fixing the infamous hole in the wall which would be a 2 day project and then on to priming and painting. So as he started his hole duty, I went to start the registry

....Yippee...

Err, maybe not so much.

I researched extensively what products I needed, was iffy about and definitely did not want for about two months. Inside the store I was LOST. My mom had said she would go with me, but our schedules and her two week trip to the west coast kind of got in the way so she told me to go myself and then she would look it over to make sure I wasn't missing anything crucial for baby. Okay, easy right?

Up and down the aisles I went, oh that is cute... whip out gun...zap! Oh wait that is cuter... whip out gun, delete first one, add second one. Aisle through aisle for about, oh, three aisles. Then I came to car seats

:::screeching halt:::

I knew what I wanted going in. I wanted a light weight stroller and a separate car seat plus a stroller base for the car seat. No problem, right? Wrong! As I was in Babys R Us I discovered the selection of things were slim when it comes to infant car seats. I was not crazy about any patterns on the brand I thought I wanted. Okay I will come back to you. Strollers, same thing! Nothing fit all I wanted in a light weight stroller. Damn! Stroller systems on the other hand had about 15-20 options, some very cute.

Should I go with the cute option? I sat in that aisle for about 1/2 hour clicking, unclicking, strolling, lifting every possible system out there. They were all heavy and all bulky. Grr. I know I do not want heavy and bulky, I bought my sister big and bulky, she used it 3 times and then went on to a umbrella like stroller. So I said screw it, I will come back.

Swings, bouncys, pack n plays, onsies, sheets, mattress covers. Click-delete- click.

2.5 hours later I was exhausted. Returned the gun and got a print out of the things I registered for. Missing the pack n play??? What? Missing the changing pad cover? Hmm... Turns out I do not know how to delete using a gun and deleted some things I wanted. I decided just to add everything on line I missed.

Get home Scott asks me where I was all this time... Glare - growl - huff - puff my way through the explanation of how NOT fun registering was. Sit down at the computer and continue the debate on the stroller/car seat issue. Turns out the stroller I want is only available online. Well that sucks since Scott's mother said she would get it but is computer illiterate. I tell Scott, he tells me we will order it for her... good no problem. But is it the stroller I want? Back and forth through research, public opinion and everything else. Yes - no. Delete, add, delete.

What I discovered, not one stroller out there makes everyone happy or fits every need. So do the best you can do and then maybe buy your own stroller company and fix the flaws in what you need.

The whole process took a week. In between I painted trim, Scott painted the ceiling, fixed the hole and primed....

My 7 year hole is no more! In my heart and in the wall! I guess that is all worth the stress of finding the perfect stroller and registering!

Wow - I missed shopping!

2009-09-10T07:59:00.002-04:00

For our year of IVF's I was on a strict budget. Which meant no shopping of any kind really. I missed it. I love shopping, and try not to overspend, but buy things we need for the house etc. There used to be always something I could need for the house. I would go on my days off and browse and then purchase the things that screamed to me. I stopped doing that when I was not allowed to actually buy those screaming things because it was more a tease then anything else.

Well, I am back in the game. Now just in baby mode. I am really having so much fun furniture shopping, yesterday was the glider. My sister and I went up to a baby warehouse. I told myself not to actually by any stuffed animals, rattles, toys or clothes until after the baby shower, since people will be getting me lot's of this, but it is so much fun to look! I take mental notes of things I like and I suppose right after the shower I will be back in the stores taking some fun things home.

We still have debt, more then I hoped for going into pregnancy. But there really is not much else we can do at this point. The baby needs things. We will continue to pay down the credit card as much as possible, hopefully when the baby does arrive we will be almost there.

I will still deprive myself of things, I have learned to live without dinner out, movie nights, pedicures and manicures, but I will not deprive the baby. There will be a time again I can enjoy the things I once did, but not until the debt gets paid off. We are under 10k now... hopefully next year we will be back to zero and we can officially cut up the card!

Operation baby mode has begun

2009-09-04T09:39:00.003-04:00

First, we sold our 2 door car in order to get me a more child freindly mode of transportation. The sale went off without a hitch, we assumed it may take a couple of months to get a buyer, but a week after deciding to place it for sale rather then a trade it someone called and was interested in it. Not a week later he handed us over FULL asking price (we priced it a bit higher thinking we would have to meet half way... nope!).

The adventure to find a car did not go as smoothly. Man is it stressful. First, we are a used car family. No need in buying something spanking new out of the factory since it loses almost half the value upon leaving the lot. We looked for something with low mileage and 2002 or higher. So we went to about 10 different dealers and most small SUVs had way too many miles on it or were just peices of crap. Then on our way home we were driving and we saw her sitting all pretty in a lot just about 2 miles from our house. We had no clue this dealer existed. But he did and had the prettiest greyish blue Hundyai Sante Fe sitting there. Perfect condition, one owner and under 70k miles... but the price was $1500 more then we could afford. Scott pulled him aside and did his thing and talked him down $1000... Done deal! I have a mommy car.

I was sitting in it last night and it all hit me, in a few months Dillon will be all nice and calm in the back seat as we are driving home from the hospital (hey it is my daydream - he can be calm)! I am so happy and am so in love with my mommy car - it feels like I am a grown up for the first time in 37 years. Weird.

Next up. Scott is on vacation this coming week. Time to fix the hole in the wall move out the computer and paint the nursery! That is his one goal for vacation.
My goal is to get registered, I will go one day when he is fixing the wall because he hates me hovering and micromanaging and I will start the registry. Yep it is happening!

I know I haven't been the best of bloggers. I think I like when things are too non eventful to write anything! But now that we are in full baby mode expect some pics of the nursery and furniture as we begin the journey to Welcome home baby mode... T minus 17 weeks and counting! GULP!

Ugg the room the room

2009-08-23T14:56:00.003-04:00

We have spent the entire weekend clearing out the room. The room we have collected everything in now for 7 years. The room that had odds and ends, futons, spare sectional sections. Computer desk, games, JUNK. It made sense at the time just to throw EVERYTHING in here. Now that it is time to take it all away, I wish I had second thought it to begin with. It is cleared though, all that is left is to decide what to do with the computer.

That has been a subject of debate now for about 3 months. He wants it down in the basement. We have a small finished off area down there, but it is not heated yet. Umm honey winter is coming and we can not really afford to place a heating system in there at this time. How about upstairs, the area of the house that is heated but the wiring is not upgraded yet... nope can't do it. The living area? It would be too cluttered with one more thing in there. Hows about I just buy an inexpencive netbook? Nope, maybe for Christmas... I can not live without a computer for 4 months! Okay put it in the basement, I will use a space heater for the time being. It shouldn't be THAT cold until December anyway. So, that is the plan. By next week I will be stuck in the basement nesting away. At least at this point it is cool down there.

Next comes paint - I destroyed a forest and collected paint chips of every possible shade of every possible color I was debating. I have now narrowed it down to a smokey blue. I will get some paint samples this week and see which I like.

Scotty has to repair the hole in the wall. Tear down the 70's wallpaper still in the closet. Then it is on to painting the room. The furiture should arrive shortly after that. I still need new shades and a rug. I am searching the internet as we speak for the perfect rug. Debating the color of that as well - chocolate brown or a cream color... hmm.

I will post pictures of the progress as we go!

The nursery planning has begun!

2009-08-11T07:56:00.005-04:00

I am so excited and going out and shopping hit home that this is coming and coming fast. I am at the half way point today. 20 weeks!!!

My mother and I went shopping for the crib and combo/changing table yesterday. My mom was generous enough to offer to buy the crib. My aunt and uncle kind enough to give me money towards "what ever I needed", so all of this helped a ton! I was concerned that shopping with my mother would become a struggle, she likes what she likes and tries to make everyone else like what she likes as well. I lectured my mother on the way up there that my tastes might be different then hers, she said she understood and I could get what ever I wanted. Well, turned out my mother does have similar tastes in furniture as I do and getting a darker wood piece was not an issue.

We walked up and down the aisles about 5 times. Always stopping at the same one. Then the sales person asked if he could help us. "I think I like this one, but I am not sure". Mom rolled her eyes and said to walk around again and get back to her. I did, and it was the one!! I loved all the detail on the spindles, legs and headboard (the picture does not do it justice).What I liked most is that it turns into a pretty impressive full sized bed as well. I did not want something that looked like a crib trying to be a bed since this will be lifetime furniture for my little one.

The delivery is due in about 10-12 weeks, although "usually sooner" as the sales person said. I can not wait to see it in the room! When I got home and showed Scott he said he loved it and would start clearing out the room this weekend. Looks like my strategy of having something tangible about to arrive worked to get him moving! Next week I will order the bedding and when it arrives I will pick out the paint color! I am so excited to finally change the would be nursery into a real nursery. It has waited long enough!

So it is official!

2009-08-07T09:17:00.002-04:00

We were trying on boys names for the last couple of days. The list was in my previous post. We decided on Dylan at first, although I was not sure how to spell it, Scott said he didn't have a preference either way. Dylan is feminine to me - something about the Y that does it for me. Not sure, it just is. I know many people spell it with a Y and Dylan is the more popular spelling out of the Dillon/Dylan debate (if that is how your son is spelled, please do not take offense). But it bothered me a tad...

So H called me from work yesterday and asked me to send a email with the u/s picture to him. I titled said email "Hi daddy, it's me Dylan"

Next thing I know I have an email in reply. "Shouldn't it be Dillon?" Well, see you DO have a preference daddy! Wasn't that easy? He said the same thing I said, Dillon looks more manly, to him. Done!

So... Hi world, it is me Dillon Richard B.!

What's in a name.

2009-08-04T07:46:00.002-04:00

I have become indecisive in choosing my boys name. Before we knew it was a boy we both liked Christian. Then I thought of it some more and became iffy on it, mostly because he undoubtedly would be called Chris more then once in his life time. My name is Kristine, called Kris more then a 1000 times in my life... next.

Scott's dad passed away. Richard Scott Br... Wait! While it is a wonderful tribute to his father, he already has a namesake. Rick is Scott's older brother. I am not crazy about Rich or Richie and mostly Dick. I could call him Richard, but again people will call him Rich or Richie. I thought long and hard, I know it is important to Scott, but I just can not hate my son's name. So what does any pregnant woman do when she is torn. She cries like a two year old. Childish? Yes. Selfish? Perhaps a tad, but I am trying to picture little Richie in my head and I just can't. You know the scream across the room test "Richard Scott Bre. get over here" ... insert record scratch...

So as any married couple does, we compromised. Richard will now be his middle name. Still honoring his father.

So here are now the contenders:
Nicholas Richard (last name sounds like pressure in a Boston accent with a B instead of P)
Michael Richard
Dylan or Dillon Richard
Evan Richard

Right now we are leaning towards Dylan or Dillon. As Scott said in a few days I will change my mind... Out of all the names I *think* this one is the best option for us, Michael is still overused. Evan initials will be ERB like Herb. Nicholas is a great name, but not when he may be a Christmas baby.

So what do you think about Dylan or Dillon? As you can see I am not sure how I like it spelled. The Y looks feminine to me, but it is the more popular spelling. Decisions Decisions.

I'm having a boy!

2009-08-03T09:35:00.002-04:00

So it took a few days for everything to sink in. For the past couple of months I was picturing a girl in my head, so when we saw the goods it was more shocking then I thought it would be. I had to change around my whole thought process and was a teenie tiny bit disappointed because all the day dreams I had were of a little girl.

That all changed last night as I was watching America's Funniest Videos. There were so many cute boy clips and I can not wait until I get to play catch in the yard and tickle him and even have him catching me gross bugs!

I am deciding on his nursery and am falling in love with a jungle idea, I know a lot of people pick this theme, but there is just way too many cool things to not love a nursery there! Of course there is a turtle/sea theme I am also caught on. Wow only 4 more months before the holidays and 5 EEK before the baby arrives... I need to get moving!

The down week ends on an up swing.

2009-07-31T19:11:00.002-04:00

The wake and funeral are over. Hard for everyone, mostly my mother in law. She hasn't been eating or sleeping, so I made a pact with her that I would eat if she ate. Beofre the funeral she was on top of me as she always is to eat something (even though I ate before going to her house). So I said I will eat a piece of toast if you have one too. She did. I did the same thing after the funeral. It worked. At least she got something into her.

She kept saying at the funeral that all Rich wanted was to see the baby. It brought me to tears every time. I wanted that for him so much as well.

Scott and his brother Glen were strong at the funeral. For Scott he said he prepared for this day when his father went into the hospital over 4 months ago. He knew his father was not strong enough to come back from this. His brother Rick did not take it as well. He broke down along with his mother. The week of tears ended. Scott told his mother to take it day by day. That is all that she or anyone could do.

Onto the upswing. Today was our scheduled ultrasound. The BIG ultrasound where we would find out the sex of the baby and if he/she was healthy. I was nervous all week for this. It was a bad week to start and bad things happen in clumps. At least for me they do. It was mostly all I could think about once the funeral was over.

I woke up this morning at about 7am and waited the 6 hours for my ultrasound. Scott was excited, too. We made our way in and got the head shot, all measured well. Arms waving, check. Then down to the legs. The baby was sitting Indian style, with legs crossed and as the tech put it. The baby really loves this position, because he would not uncross those legs for anything. I went up walked around, went to the bathroom came back. Nope. Cross those legs again. Poke, prod, walk. Finally baby uncrosses his legs to reveal his penis. The tech did not say anything. I said "It's a boy" She said "yep, no doubt about it" Scott smiled silently. He more enjoyed the baby sitting Indian style and asked the tech if she got a picture of him like that... Nope! All that time and she didn't freeze anything. Oh well.

On the car ride home Scott said he was happy that his boy was healthy and he would have been happy with a healthy girt too. I then said I can now buy Patriot's gear and the biggest grin came over his face! Then I asked about the name, we had dabbled with the idea of naming him after his father and now it was a given Richard Scott it is...

So there it i, life full circle I guess.

A hard week.

2009-07-27T08:50:00.002-04:00

Scott's dad developed an infection again. This time the infection dropped his blood pressure frighteningly low. The doctors gave him meds to help increase his blood pressure, but the infection continued to travel through different areas of his body, the antibiotics were not helping. Friday, it effected his brain, he had his first seizure. The doctors stopped giving him dialisis and told the family there was not much else they could do for him accept keep him comfortable. Saturday night, he had another seizure. During one of these seizure's he was left with no brain function.

The family had to make the decision and this time it was clear that there was no hope for recovery. They stopped life support early Saturday morning. It was quick, almost with in seconds and he left us peacefully.

My heart breaks for my husband, his brothers and espescially his mother. The brothers seem to be holding out well, the mom not so much. It will be a hard week with the wake and funeral. I pray for them.

I want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers through all the ups and downs of this. It has meant a lot. He was in the hospital for close to 5 months, it was a hard fought battle and now he is at peace.

Belly pics

2009-07-21T09:24:00.003-04:00

12 weeks, sporting bloat. - 15 weeks - 17 weeks (almost 18)

Ignore the faces and the humidity frizz of my hair LOL.

What was that?

2009-07-18T08:00:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I woke at my usual 6 am. Not sure why I can't sleep more then 6 hours, but it is my new routine. A normal morning: pee, let dog out, make coffee, take my synthroid, log onto computer, check the nest-bump, let dog in, play a few games, H wakes up, spend some time with him before I kiss him off to work... Play a few more games. Pee - spot of blood! PANIC. Not.Normal.

My heart raced. Should I call in sick? No breathe Krissy, breathe. Check again. Nothing. Okay all is right. Is it? Check 100 more times in the next hour. No blood. Okay it is okay. Get ready for work, checking again in between doing every routine task. Nothing. Phew. Go to work. Continue checking every 10 minutes. Stretching pains in uterus. Panic. No it is alright. Right? Breathe.

I haven't had anything since, on and off stretching pains on my right side near the belly button. Nothing that has me hunched over in pain, I think normal stretching, but after seeing a spot of blood, nothing is "normal", you over annualized everything. No more blood since? So what was that. I have a yeast infection, so maybe I irritated it?

I am not going to call the doctor, the last bleeding scare I had she told me that it would be possible to have more spotting and not to worry unless it was heavier then before. Well, it was way lighter, so why am I freaking out? I have my big u/s in less then 2 weeks. I can make it. Come on little one, I need one of your thumps more then ever!

Thumpity thump thump!

2009-07-15T08:52:00.002-04:00

Friday for the first time, I felt this thump in my uterus, or at least low in my abdomen, which I would think is my ute. At the time I didn't think anything of it, more stretching of the uterus maybe? Then yesterday I felt it again. Thump - Thumpity - Thump. It made me pause. Is that you little one?

People say you sometimes can feel the baby move starting at 15 weeks, but usually with your first you don't "know" it IS actually the baby. Well, I have grown accustomed to searching for things to feel different, and this most definitely felt like nothing I have ever felt before. Thump. Even if it is not the baby, it is now! I have felt stretching, I have felt light menstrual cramps, never ever a thump though!

So here I am not as I type this hoping to feel that thump again. Come on little one, if that was you thump again!

Update on father in law

2009-07-14T07:50:00.002-04:00

Things have been status quo on the pregnancy front. I feel good, but always have really, except for the occasional heartburn. I wish I could say the same for my father in law, unfortunately I can't though.

He has been in the hospital/rehab for 4 months now, went in a week before we got our ET. I went to see him last Saturday and they were teaching him how to speak while on a ventilator, he was so proud that he could say "hi" and was in really high spirits. He felt my tummy (the only person I would allow to touch it) and when I left he had a huge smile. He is just so proud and excited for his first grandchild.

Then Wednesday he took a turn for the worse. He started to hallucinate, the doctor thought it was because of a sleeping pill they had given him. Then in the next couple of days he became unresponsive. They transferred him to a hospital and ran all the usual tests. He had an infection, thought because of one of his various tubes. Turns out he is septic and his blood pressure is frighteningly low. The doctors said they are doing everything they can, but things do not look good and basically said that if his blood pressure does to rise, he may have a week at most.

He has been a miracle since the day they brought him in, originally they told us he was brain dead. He proved them wrong time and again. This time, though, I am afraid we are all out of miracles. I pray that I am wrong, like I was before.

I am devastated for my husband, his father was the one who kept his family together (his mom can be a bit of a nut case - to put it mildly). I wanted him to meet his grandchild, and with each miracle I started to believe he would. We find out the sex in 2 weeks and I don't want my husband to be going through this right now, it is supposed to be a happy time, but it is not. I am devastated for him and I wish there was more I could do then just vent about it.

So once again I am soliciting prayer, they have worked before. Hoping God has it in him to answer them one more time.

I'm still bitter

2009-07-02T14:57:00.003-04:00

I guess a nasty side effect to infertility, that may never wear off is the bitterness that comes along with it. I thought I would grow past this once I got the BFP but now that I am pregnant I still feel the pangs.

I feel those pangs when I listen to girls who get pregnant "naturally" talk about their second and possible third children and how they plan on spacing it apart just right. Angry at mothers who are carrying their second and do have that perfect space apart. Angry that I will never have that. Angry that I am even thinking past this one on to another one, because I know there may never be another. Forget about the "oopsies"!

I remember reading about m/c on the 1st tri board and how hopeful those women who were suffering were about return "shortly". There would be no hope for me if something horrible like that happened. Of course no one should suffer that pain, but what a different pain to feel knowing you may have a shot at returning "shortly"

I hate feeling like this and wonder if it will ever go away. Will I ever return to the old Krissy? I want her back!

If I hear (fill in the blank) one more time!

2009-06-28T08:17:00.002-04:00

So we have been "out" for about a week now, I always remember hearing and reading about all the pregnancy questions pregnant women would get asked constantly. I never realized how truly annoying it is though.

I work in a bar, one filled with regulars so I see the same people, with the exception of maybe one or two, every Saturday night. Saturday is my busiest night, with probably give or take 100 people coming in and out all night long. So you repeat the How are you feeling? Are you finding out the sex? Do you have morning sickness? When are you due? and my personal favorite - Are you sure there isn't two in there? Multiply all of those questions by 100 and by the end of the night, you want to start wearing it on a sign around your neck. I remember seeing t-shirts on Cafe Press listing all the answers to some of these questions and I am really thinking of getting one! Really!

What is really sweet is that I have a group of three customers. Women in their 60's who are giving me an extra dollar a week and made me swear to start a "baby jar" so I can deposit this extra money a week in the kitty for the baby. They made it very clear that this was not my tip money, but the babies money. Besides opening beers for these ladies, I do not know them well, so this gesture is very sweet. They started it last week, but really I thought that it was a one week thing. They are serious about it and they are trying to recruit other customers in on the deal too! So I came home last night, exhausted from answering way too may questions and dug out a vase to start the kitty. I think I may go out and buy one of those cute piggy banks. My son or daughters first piggy bank!

It is a good day!

2009-06-26T07:28:00.003-04:00

First, the sun has been shining for two days in a row. I think a new record for this horrible "summer". I can not believe it is a week until July 4th, my mothers pool has been open for over a month and there just have been no good days to use it in, hopefully the weather will warm now?

Next I have a doctors appointment - a second trimester appointment! I am looking forward to hearing my little one's heart beating for the first time. Another huge milestone.

Also, for the past week I have really gotten into this being pregnant thing, the paranoia has settled down a ton. I actually believe in 6 short months I will be carrying home my real live baby. I have been reading Baby Bargains and making lists of all the things I will need to register for. Incredible. It took me long enough to settle into the belief that good things do happen, and I love being here and feeling secure.

I feel wonderful. I can not believe this is pregnancy! No morning sickness. No sore breast - no growing breast either, something I wanted, but will live without I guess. I just feel like I felt 5 months ago - even better without all the drugs for IVF I had been taking. I increased my eating, portion size but I am not starving like I expected. I just load my plate and usually clean it off. I gained about 5 pounds already.

I also have a baby belly. People at work are noticing it and of course pointing it out to me, like I do not already know it is there. I am glad it is though, because honestly it is the only tangible thing that is reminding me I am pregnant.

I keep thinking that since the first trimester was so easy I am doomed for a 36 hour labor or something. Or maybe it is giving me reprieve because I had to go through so much to get here? Either way, I am just HAPPY!

And the moment you have been waiting for (or maybe not) - the first belly pic taken at 13 weeks. Sorry for the blurriness, they all came out like that and I can not figure out why. Maybe something is set wrong on my camera, but I am technologically challenged so need Scott to look at it later for me.

I just realized how scary this picture looks. I need to start wearing cute clothes when taking these pics. The weather here has been crappy, my jeans are not comfy at all so I spend my days off in sweats. I need to buy maternity jeans - next thing on my list!

Blood work is back from NT scan

2009-06-23T07:35:00.003-04:00

Mostly it is good news, something I will not pursue further with a CVS or Amnio. For Downs Syndrome, my risk is 1 in 2000, that of a 20-24 year old. Then for Trisomy 13 and 18 it is 1 in 200, that of a 39 year old. So slightly higher but considering I am going to be 38 when the child is born, it is not overly high.

The genetics counselor did say that the reason for the change in risks for the trisomy screening was because my placenta is showing a lack of protien. She said there was nothing I could do to fix it, but it would require addition u/s during my third trimester. Something I am over thinking now, but the doctor will go into further detail on Friday. Overall, I am at ease with everything. Hopefully, it will stay that way after talking to the doctor Friday.

Oh and I am graduating this week to second trimester! At my appointment I get to hear the heartbeat for the first time. I am looking forward to it! Can't believe 3 months past already! It seemed to go by very slowly in the middle but after the NT Scan, things speed up! Soon I will need to start shopping and registering and all the fun stuff that comes with expecting a baby. Now I am reading Baby Bargains to get a clue on what I may need for baby. It is a whole new world out there, one I never dared to enter until now!

He agreed to a girls name!

2009-06-20T11:41:00.003-04:00

This is where I would insert a dropped jaw emote.

His first choice has always been Angela or Angelina, nicknamed Angie. It is just not my style at all and reminds me of a girl I went to middle school with, let's just say not a good remembrance either. Besides our last name ends with an A, so when you say any girls name that ends with an A and our last name together it is almost too sing songy for me to get used to the idea. I explained my reasoning and he understood.

So then I suggested my name and he said "okay"! OKAY! "What are you sure" Yep, I like. So if that is the name you want we will go for it!" ... "Really? YAY". Since way back when we were dating he never liked any name I came up with. He even shot down a variation of this very name! So it is confusing to me why he agreed so easily. I should go with the flow, which I am trying to I am just puzzled.

Notice how I have not given the name out yet? First, we need this to be a girl for it to work, we still have not decided on a boys name. Second, I am waiting for Scott to come back and say he changed his mind. He never agrees this easily, there has got to be a catch. Then the third reason is that this name can be spelled several different ways and I want to make sure I am choosing the perfect spelling. Maybe one day I will open it up to opinions how you would spell it, but that would be after we know it is a girl and if I can't decide on my own.

Six more weeks! Since we had an easy time with the girls name, it is sure to be a boy!

Water under the bridge.

2009-06-18T14:07:00.002-04:00

That is what my husband said. But still I am pissed off.

Last year a couple of months before starting IVF, Scott's company decided to switch insurance companies. I live and he works in a state that mandates fertility coverage. No problem, they will get another with coverage. Nope his boss decides to self fund, the one option where the mandate does not protect you. Yes frustrated and sad I called 4 different area clinics got pricing on IVF, payment and financing plans. No was not an answer! One clinic suggest I buy an individual plan in Massachusettes. We decide to do that, pay a monthly premium for a plan that covered 50% of the IVF cost with a $1000 deductable and no med coverage. Quite a big difference from 100% coverage, but our desire to have a child outweighed the expences. We budgeted, cut our spending and saved as much as we could each month. We paid each cycle off, one by one, a large chunk was paid off with our tax returns, family members gave us monitary gifts. Christmas was filled with cards with money rather then sweaters we would wear once. We got by with a little help from our friends. We still owe about 8k, but that is getting paid off as quickly as possible.

So today Scott goes into work to see that when open enrolement comes around in July he can sign me back up to his plan. We only need maternity coverage now, no need to pay for an individual plan with a high deductable. Well the office manager tells him they are switching insurances because they did not save as much as they thought they would last year. Really. What plan are you getting... the one we had before!

Yep water under the bridge. We could have bought a new car, fenced the back yard which is what we were saving for in the first place. Gone out to dinner!

Forgive me if I feel kicked in the gut for a minute.

The dumb things people say

2009-06-17T21:24:00.002-04:00

Seriously, I knew people were ignorant and half the time speak just to hear themselves speaking but can someone for one second THINK before spewing out comments?

I have heard ignorant things by a customer at work that does not know me, and I half accepted it as him being naive but when a life long friend of more then twenty years, who knows what I have been through, says something seriously stupid it makes me want to bash my head into the wall.

"Are you ready for this" that is what she asked after congratulating me. Umm, over ready?!? In the past six plus years it has taken to conceive you do tend to spend some time thinking about being ready or not. Don't ya think? I have chosen my nursery decor at least 6 different times in the past six years, every time a phantom symptom popped up and gave me hope. I know more about the human anatomy then I ever wanted to know. I know I am going to gain wait, lose sleep and have pain in about 7 months. Yes I know a child will challenge me and Scott at times. I also know that my heart is already filled with incredible love for this baby. YES I AM READY! Over ready. More ready then the average person who spreads her legs for her husband and not a doctor. A hell of a lot more ready then I was 6 years ago! READY.

So please people think.

Eek! A note about yesterdays post.

2009-06-16T08:34:00.003-04:00

After reading over yesterdays post, I realize I called the baby a she through most of it. Funny because I have always wanted a boy although since this most likely will be our only child I really do not have preference. As long as it is healthy. My mom is hoping for a girl since she has two grandsons already. Scott hopes for a boy.

My H also notes that most the time I do say she, but when he got home from work I was calling the baby a he. He asked if something changed with the ultra sound. Nope I guess I just am trying to give equal time to both sexes, subconsciously.

Now there is a six week wait to find out. I do have an OB appointment in between so will be able to hear the heartbeat. Can not wait for any of this. I am wishing summer to be gone, which is sad because for the most part here it has been rainy, cold and crappy for the last month and I cherish summer in a normal year. Now I can not wait for NEXT summer.

So in love!

2009-06-15T18:46:00.004-04:00

The NT Scan was a sight to see, my little bean looks like a little human now. S/he was resting, and her back was turned to us. So the u/s tech was trying a bunch of different things to get her moving. It took about 30 minutes and I saw her flipping over and she must have known we were watching her, because she waved her arms as if to say "No more pictures" and then turned right back around. I was laughing at her, the u/s tech was frustrated. So after more fumbling around, the u/s tech had to get a doctor to try. I laid there, for what seemed like forever, I think I napped, and then the doctor came in. By that time the baby was flipped to the right spot. He got the measurements. Said everything looked good but we still needed the blood results. I will get them next week sometime.

It really was a great day. I wish Scott was there with me. Everything hit home when I saw my little shy one. I could picture her waking from a nap, me holding her. Amazing! Scott will be there for the next u/s in 6 weeks and I can not wait for him to experience this with me!

So here they are, the debut of my little ones first pictures. Not the best, since she never faced the probe long enough to get a good shot. But she is beautiful anyway! I always remember looking at other peoples u/s and how excited they got and never understood why some grainy black and white photo got them so giddy to show everyone. Now I do! So in love.

Oh, and as a side note. I know I promised everyone belly shots today, sorry have to wait until tomorrow. I have been a busy bee today! Yep consider yourself spared from seeing my blubber!

Wildfire

2009-06-14T08:56:00.002-04:00

Sorry for no update. I guess I have been just trucking along and really have nothing to report. That is a good thing, my boring life! It has been a long 2 weeks of waiting for the NT scan, which is tomorrow. I still have no symptoms. I have days where I am starving, but more days where food doesn't really appeal to me and I have to force myself to eat. Other then that, I feel great.

Scott's dad is in a rehab hospital. He is hanging on and the doctors believe with some work he could go home in about 8 months. That is such an incredible change from a few weeks ago, so Scott is pleased, but still nervous. Anything can happen to cause a set back in progress, so we just pray for uneventful days.

Then for the GM dealership Scott works for... not the greatest news. They will be closing in October of 2010. We are greatful to have the years time, hopefully Scott will have no trouble finding something.

So that brings me to work and wildfire. Word spreads just like it. Work and the ability for news to travel through about 100 people in the matter of minutes. It always amazes me that an event could happen there at 3pm and I would get calls asking about it, from people on vacation at 3:30. It is like this with everything and always has been.

I told my mom I was pregnant. I forgot to tell my mom to not tell anyone, I forgot in the excitement I guess. Mom goes and tells her work. In her work is a wife of an employee at my work. Yep, 90 degrees of separation at play. She tells him, he tells so and so who tells 5 other people and so on. Next thing you know I have people digging for me to tell them, even though they already know. "Is something different about you? Did you change your hair?". "Let me see that top" as they examine my belly not my top. Then of course the dreaded direct line. "Are you pregnant?"

Well this went on for about 3 hours last night. Finally I had enough of people talking to me and looking at my gut, talk about self conscience. YES. Just leave me alone already - I know you know. Yay! Excitement!!! Woohoo. And dread. My NT scan is tomorrow, I wanted that to be the telling point once everything turned out good. I needed to make it two more days I couldn't and now I am afraid. EVERYONE knows. That isn't supposed to jinx things, but I feel like it is a huge hurdle now. Not like it didn't mean anything before but so many what ifs are now racing through my mind. Untelling everyone, having one person say congrats after should something go wrong. Ugg. Please God Please let everyhting be okay.

Next update - NT scan and Belly picks. Hell everyone loves looking at my belly it seems!

It is starting to feel real!

2009-05-27T14:24:00.002-04:00

I met my OB yesterday for the first time and I really like her. She was very reassuring and very patient with me. She kept touching my knee and telling me all is going well and the last u/s showed a wonderful looking baby and I should try to enjoy this time. She also told me each week that passes makes the possibility of m/c less and less. So 9 weeks and going strong is a great sign!

I couldn't get an u/s but we set up for an NT scan. To be honest, I am not really going to follow through on anything from the results of the scan, we worked too hard for this baby. There is too many risks I am not willing to take with a CVS or amnio, but I do want to see the baby one more time and insurance covers it, so why the hell not? Her nurse will call me Thursday to set up the appointment.

Then I scheduled my next two appointments through July and the big u/s which will be July 31st, roughly in my 18th week.

My first OB appointment is today!

2009-05-26T08:42:00.002-04:00

I feel like such a big girl! LOL. I finally can sit in a waiting room filled with big bellies and picture myself being one of them.

Of course I am 9 weeks today, still have hardly any symptoms and I have a list of paranoia filled questions all ready to go. Begging for an u/s before I leave is on the agenda or course too! I just had one 5 days ago with the bleeding scare, so I doubt she will agree. But if I frame it in a way of wanting to see if the hematoma is getting smaller, maybe - just maybe she will break down and do it. The machine is right there so I don't see why not.

Of course, if she refuses, my back up plan is to schedule a NT scan - hopefully I can get it booked for next week?

Gosh, just 4 more weeks to get me to the second trimester - What are the chances I will relax then?

The real thing

2009-05-22T09:17:00.003-04:00

I went in for the u/s with the big boy machine yesterday. Quite a difference in pictures those things make. While with the one the other night, we could just see a little teeny tiny blob, this one showed my little one nice and big, heart pumping at 168bpm! Nothing like that beautiful sight!

Next, she continues to examine my uterus. I see another sac. Empty. I asked the u/s tech what is was. She says "a part of your uterus". Umm. I have seen my ute quite a few times and that part was never there before, but knowing she could not really diagnose anything, I dropped it and answered all her subsequent questions on if this was a natural pregnancy, how may were transferred, etc. All the time, I was looking at the sac, hoping she just had a bad angle and a little one would appear out of no where. It never did.

When I found out I was pregnant with my little one I felt blessed, still do. After so much I am pregnant and that is what the end goal was. But knowing there was a chance a possibility of two brings up a ton of feelings I had not thought about. I never wanted an only child, I had 3 in my family growing up and loved having sisters to play with. I wanted that for my child. Chances are that will not happen since we will not pursue treatment again. My sister has twins and I love how they interact with each other. Then if this child is a boy, will I wonder if the other was a girl or the other way around?

I feel like I should mourn the loss, but then feel almost guilty doing so. I AM blessed. There are so many woman still hoping for this dream I was now granted. I don't want to just place it in the back of my mind that this doesn't matter though, because it does.

Now for the reason I was bleeding. I have a subchrionic hema.toma. They say it is common in pregnancy. That I should take it easy, no lifting, no running or straining and no sex. The doctor I spoke to was not overly concerned. Of course Dr. Goog.le tells me other wise, and that I am at an increased risk of m/c. I am trying to forget I ever goog.led though and am following Doctor orders and praying that it will go away by the next u/s. I have not bled again, spotting some brown which they said was to be expected, so that is good. All I can do is hope for the best, which leaves me right where I was before the bleeding!

Scary night last night.

2009-05-21T08:23:00.003-04:00

I was getting ready to head to work and went to go pee before I left. When I went into the bathroom I looked down and there was red on my underwear. I then wiped and all I saw was a ton of blood. I freaked out and had no idea what to do. I called Scott who was on the road and I freaked him out, he asked what he should do and all I could do was cry.

I then hung up the phone and called my mother. She told me to call the doctor, put my feet up and try to calm down. Duh - call the doctor - why didn't I think of that! So that is what I did. It was 6pm so there was no one in the office so I was transferred to Labor and Delivery. They took the information and said they would have a doctor call me back.

In the meantime, I had to figure out what to tell work. I needed to call in 15 minutes before my shift and no one there knows I am pregnant yet. Fuck it they do now, not exactly how I envisioned spilling the beans, but what other good excuse could a panicked woman come up with on short notice?

The doctor called me back told me to come into Labor and Delivery and they would give me a u/s and check my cervix. She told me not to rush in, because if something were wrong there was nothing they could do at this point. I lost it again. Got off the phone and told Scott to hurry home. He was already on his way but with traffic, he was about an hour away.

I tried to calm myself, lied on the sofa with my feet up and waited for him to come home. In the mean time, my panicked mother was calling and trying to call me down. Quite funny, now that I think back to it - she was not doing a good job at all. She told me that if something happened, which nothing would, she would buy me a trip to France (Scott and I said we would just take a month long trip to France if we could not get pregnant, solace for us at the time)! Well when you ARE pregnant and bleeding pretty heavy, the last thing you really want is a trip to France, so I hung up the phone and cried some more.

Scott finally arrived home at about 7pm and we headed into the L&D. When we got there they lead me to a private room, had me undress and lie on the bed. After lying down for 15 minutes the doctor and his student counter part came in. He did a vaginal exam and the bleeding had stopped, cervix was closed and everything from that angle looked good. He then went off to find the portable u/s unit.

They came back with it after another 15-20 minutes passed and attempted the u/s. He could not see much and asked if I ever was told I had polyps? Umm no... he said it might be the machine. He could not find the baby. He said before starting this was a possibility since there little unit was not very strong. I asked about an internal u/s and he said he would get a wand and come back...

About an hour passed. Did they forget about me? Are they in an emergency delivery? Umm - hello where are you? Finally the male doctor comes back with a female doctor. Turns out she is the doctor in charge of L&D tonight. She explains how they can not find a wand and that is why they took so long to get back to me. Turns out they normally don't carry one there so checked someplace else and the one that they had was used that day and sent out for cleaning... umm K.

She said she would try with the external wand, that sometimes after some time has passed things move around and make it easier to see. She immediately locates the baby and the heart beat and I can breathe again!

They want me to come back today and get a real u/s with a real machine to get a better view of my ute and see if they see a source of bleeding at all. But they said so far I should remain optimistic and the baby is doing well.

After getting my blood drawn to check Hcg levels, we left. Such a long day. I ended up falling asleep on the sofa 5 minutes after we got home. I am so happy my little one is doing okay. Hopefully I will stop having these bleeding scares.

Le Sigh

2009-05-20T12:44:00.003-04:00

It is funny because after writing my last post listing my few and far in between symptoms I have not had any thing to note of and of course that leads me right into paranoia. Such a funny game this all is.

We try so so hard to see the two lines on a test and then once we do the celebration lasts for a nano-second then off we are being worried that it continues to grow. All we do is worry until we see the heartbeat on a u/s screen. Then after that, stress some more until we again see the heartbeat on a u/s and hear the heartbeat on doppler. Maybe for a minute or two in a day we get reprieve from worry, but most of the time it is worry. And I suspect it continues for 9 months and more after that.

I read the first tri boards and I wish I could fantasize about names, cribs, mommy cars, birthdays, daycare and school. Instead, I sit here and worry why I am not puking or have food aversions or why my boobs are less sore then yesterday. I want with all my might to be excited and to dream, but on the other hand there is huge doubt that someone will take the big eraser and come along and clean this giant chalkboard that is my life. Like being too happy could make that happen sooner then not.

Today I am pregnant. I try telling myself that, believe me I have tried everything to just enjoy the prospective future. BUT there is always a but, at least that is what has happened for 6 plus years. How can I be so positive of this dream being a reality when I have been let down so many times before?

I hope there will be a point where I can let go a little of this fear? Maybe when I get past the second trimester? I hope so, because I do not want to live like this. I really don't! I used to be so optimistic. Suzy Sunshine. I hate being Debby Downer!

7 weeks 5 days

2009-05-17T14:27:00.004-04:00

I decided to update with some symptoms although nothing is screaming out to me still. I am feeling some things though, but most the time I feel "normal". Maybe someone who is newly pregnant will stumble on my blog to feel a sense of relief that someone else out there doesn't feel anything. Because for me it gets me paranoid. I just went in with a notion that all pregnant woman should be feeling this and that, so when I didn't I freaked and immediately thought something was wrong. The u/s alleviated that for me a little.

So here they are:

The big one: Bloat beyond belief, which I will half contribute to the progesterone suppositories I am on. It gets worse at night or after I eat to the point where I can not button my pants. That is the one constant I do have.

Hunger. Sometimes it comes sometimes it goes. There are days I can eat every two hours and then some days where I do not feel like eating anything. When I do force food down, if it tastes good I inhale it. I'm not sure I have left a morsel of food on my plate in the past week.

Nasty taste in my mouth. It starts in the morning, I wake up feeling like I drank way too many margarita's. I brush my teeth, drink some water and that gives me some relief. It comes back though and keeps coming through out the day. Sometimes, not always.

Nausea. I can not say this is huge. Nothing like I expected. Sometimes a certain smell will make me gag. Sometimes I will feel like I just got off a sit and spin and need to take a breather to not start gagging. These feeling quickly leave as fast as they come though. I think I have had it maybe three days out of the past few weeks. Believe me, I am happy for that.

Sore boobs. I have relatively small boobs, an A cup. They are fuller, but nothing huge, I maybe fill my cup size a little better now. They are tender, but not horrible.

Heartburn and gas. This is another almost constant unfortunately.

Lastly, I am tired. But it is not a nightly thing. I can be fine at work most nights. Then it all catches up to me after 2-3 days and I am taking a nap in the afternoon and falling asleep at 8pm. Next day, relieved again and back to my normal self.

All of these things I needed to look for to put together. They all happen on different days of the week and not one thing, except for bloat and gas, is with me constantly. Hopefully it keeps going like this and I can look back on my first trimester laughing at all the people who concieved within their first month or two of TTC and had a hard first tri of constant nausea! Or I will look back on this post and kick myself for saying what I just did, because it will come back and haunt me...

Should I tell or should I wait?

2009-05-14T14:07:00.002-04:00

I see this asked a million times and my answer has always been that if a person is of support to you then you should tell right away because if something were to happen they could support you. So why is it I am afraid to call a couple of close friends to share the news? They knew I was going through IVF, they have since called and left messages of how I am doing. I called one and chickened out so told her I was doing "good" and left it at that.

Yesterday I told my parents about the perfect heartbeat and my mother goes and tells everyone she works with. Coincidentally, my mom just so happens to work with the wife of one of my co-workers. She said she swore her to secrecy, but I know you can never tell a spouse something you want to keep from another spouse. It just does not work that way.

Ideally I wanted to wait until I had an u/s with my OB which should be around 12 weeks. I just feel as though I would be most confident in the pregnancy by then. BUT I want to enjoy this time. I want to share with people I am close to and rejoice with them. I am so scared though of jinxing all of this.

So I will talk it all over with Scott tonight and see what he thinks. He thinks positively, always has through everything. Maybe he will be my voice of reason?

My first u/s was today.

2009-05-13T14:17:00.003-04:00

I get there at 9:30 on the dot. And then I wait and wait some more until they call me in at about 10:15. Finally!

The u/s tech was great. She located everything really fast then turned the machine so we could both see and said "there is your little one, there is just one" Knowing we transferred three. She then looked at Scott and said "you see that flicker?" Scott says "yep" She smiles and says "that is the heart beat". At that moment Scott's jaw dropped and his eyes got big, just like a little kid in amazement "Hello little critter" he says to the machine. I was not sure what to look at more, Scott's reaction or the flicker on the machine!

Everything was perfect, measurments are right where they should be, heartbeat at 121bpm. Perfect. I have a little bitty perfect one and I feel so relieved and amazed!

I spoke with the nurse practitioner on my case and she asked me if I had any questions. The only one I had was if they could draw my TSH levels to make sure they are okay. They did that and it came back slightly elevated. So I need to adjust my synthroid and am waiting on my PCP to call me with the adjustment. Scott's only question for her was why I wasn't getting morning sickness. I kicked him under the desk for jinxing me and the NP said it was perfectly fine not to have it and I could still get it soon. If I do, he is in trouble!

Then I graduated! I get to see an OB and am released from my RE! I am like every other pregnant woman out there. I finally made it to the other side!!! Oh I wish I could relay the pure joy my heart feels. If I had energy I think I would run up and down the street screaming "woohoo we did it!"

Not the best day yesterday...

2009-05-11T10:07:00.003-04:00

It started out perfect. Scott surprised me with the most beautiful flowers and a perfect card that said how much of a wonderful mom I will be and how he can't wait. I really wasn't expecting anything, but since it has been 6 years of wishing to celebrate Mother's Day, I am glad he did think of me.

Next thing you know, I decided to have sex with him. My clinic has no restrictions. I had been nervous about it and haven't since the transfer, but threw caution to the wind. As we were in the heat of things, the phone starts to ring we ignore it, of course....

Well that is when our day goes down hill and fast.

I look down there is blood everywhere. Oh my God - what did I just do! I start to panic and cry and freak out. Scott tries to calm me saying in his book ( I got him a "man" book about pregnancy) says it is perfectly normal, things will be okay. I want none of that and get on the phone to call the nurse.

As I am calling the nurse on my cell, Scott is checking the message that we got when we ignored the phone...

My nurse reassures me everything is fine, that the cervix when pregnant becomes more vascular and the pressure from sex sometimes causes blood. She said it should taper off in a little while and to call back in the morning to give them an update, if I was still bleeding they would move up my u/s from Wednesday to Monday. Okay, Scott and his man book were right, I feel better although still nervous the bleeding won't stop.

I go to tell Scott everything is okay and he says "My dad had another heart attack, he is being transferred from rehab to the hospital"

Shit! His dad had been showing improvement, although he developed pneumonia last week. He had been on antibiotics and working through that and now this. Again. Scott leaves to go to the hospital, I put my feet up and pray the bleeding stop. The bleeding does taper off. A few spots of brown after a couple of hours. Now I can change my entire focus to Scott's dad. Pray for him to make it. Scott calls to update me. His dad is stable and will be given a pace maker tomorrow.

Now we are back praying with all our might for two things again. Just like when we started the stims for this IVF - for Scott's dad to make it and be all right and for this baby to make it and be all right.

Are you in there little one?

2009-05-06T12:53:00.002-04:00

If you are I would love you to show me some sign. I know you are too small at this stage for me to feel, but I would love for you to make me deathly tired. Too tired to work. If you are in there, I would love for you to tell me you hate what I am eating for lunch or the smells around me. Make me cranky and moody. Make me weep at stupid commercials. Make me feel anything really.

I know some of you reading this are thinking "be thankful you are feeling well" and for the most part I am. But I am also paranoid beyond belief that in a week when I go for the u/s it will show nothing. All stemmed from the fact that since I got the positive beta back I have felt nothing. If I felt like crap 24/7 at least I could know something was progressing.

I also know the amount of morning sickness and other symptoms are not a sign of a healthy or none healthy pregnancy. Again though, it would make me be hopeful and less scared.

In 8 months maybe I can look back at this time and be very very happy that I came out of the first few weeks without anything. Maybe it is my gift for having to endure IF for as long as I did? But hindsight is 20/20 and today is when I need to know.

I have one more week before my u/s. Each day is dragging. I will be going to the u/s myself. H has taken so much time off work already with egg retrievals, egg transfers and consultations that we agreed that he could skip this one since we want as much time for him when the baby arrives. BUT what if something happens and he is not there? Nothing has been more soothing to me through out all of this then him holding my hand.

Why can't I think positively. No blood, no cramps. That should mean something. Why can't I go back to the naive woman who pees on a stick, tells the world about her wonder and 9 months later gives birth? Instead I am the paranoid victim who is avoiding friends phone calls because they may ask and I may have to tell and then warn them that I am being very cautious about all of this. Because the baby making thing does not come simple to me. Something is bound to go wrong as it always does. Happiness does not exist in my world?

It is starting to hit me

2009-05-01T18:31:00.002-04:00

No, not symptoms. I still feel nothing on that front. But I am pregnant. All my hard work and effort, time and money paid off. I am part of the small 35% of people who get pregnant with IVF in my age group. We did it!!!

I am still afraid to jump up and down. Still afraid to scream it from any roof top. I am however daydreaming about how I want the nursery to look, baby names, Scott feeding the baby and holding her (yes, when I picture my baby I picture a she, even though for years I had always wanted a he) and the love I will have for this little being inside of me already.

I am amazed at how well I feel at this point. Scared that I feel mostly normal. When I wake first thing in the morning, I have a hang over type of feel about me, that shortly disappears to me being me again, but for those brief seconds in the morning I know I am baking a little bean. Possibly here near Christmas.

From the beginning, I have always dreamed of having a Christmas baby. I am not sure why I would want one that time of year, but it was always exciting to me. A little present under the tree. I am due a little past Christmas, but I think it is funny how it all worked out how it did. First, my period before this IVF cycle was about 5 days early, had it been on time I would be looking at a New Year baby. Next, the clinic switch, had I stayed with my past clinic, they would have extended things out and I probably would not have cycled until May. My first clinic was always slow about things. First I would have not had my follow up appointment for 2 weeks after I had my appointment with the new clinic, but after that they would need to go through their whole board approval process. There would have been no way of me having a Christmas miracle. Here I am though.

As I said I am still affraid to deem this official. Hopefully seeing the little bean on U/S will help, hearing the heart beat? Each and every day I make it further into all this it will make it more real and me a bit more confident. Today I am pregnant though, so today I will dream a little more!

Another two week wait

2009-04-29T11:20:00.002-04:00

I had my appointment yesterday with the RE and basically it was a 45 minute ride and a co-pay to have him tell me congratulations. He said he has these appointments to answer any questions I might have about how the cycle went, but to tell you the truth, since the cycle resulted in a BFP I did not have any questions. None that I could think of right then anyway.

He gave me a list of my embryos and their growth through the 5 days in the lab. It is interesting to note that on day 3 none were at 8 cells. I had two 7 cells and one 6 cell. The one that arrested never made it past 1 cell. Had they been transfered at that point, I probably would have been bummed and thought the cycle doomed because none made it to 8 cells.

Then at day 5 before the transfer, the one that was at 6 cells on day three was the extended blastocyst so it caught up and passed the two in the lead on day three. The expanded blast was the only one that was graded fully - 4bb, which meant it was fully expanded and showed good inner cell mass and a good trophectoderm. The highest quality given would have been a 4AA at that point. The other two were not there yet and were simply graded at a 1 and a 2, meaning they were not fully expanded and showed blastocoel cavity beind half or less the half of the embryo.

So going by this scientific accessment I will guess that I will have a singleton. We will see though.. after all I am just using my internet degree in Embryology.

Now comes symptoms. None. The doctor did not seem concerned by it at all. But that does not ease my worry at all. I want to feel the little one growing inside me to know everything is all right. I was tired last week, now I am not. I was crampy last week and now I am not. I am however bloated, which it seems for the last year I have been, so maybe it is more fat then bloat? I am worried that because the tiredness I felt last week ended, so did my pregnancy. But as I am told by everyone, symptoms come and go and no one really felt much until about 7 weeks. So at this point all I can do is pray that this little one hangs on tight. My ultra sound is scheduled two weeks from today. So here I go again, in another 2ww!

Second beta is back

2009-04-26T09:51:00.002-04:00

826!!! More then doubled!

My mom is convinced I have twins. She called Scott up yesterday and told him so. Scott has had the deer in headlights look on his face for the past 24 hours since. We knew this could be a possibility but the chance of it being reality is a scary thing. And what if it is triplets, that is always a possibility since 3 were placed back in. I try to reassure him the beta numbers do not indicate anything, which they don't really, but I keep comparing my numbers to everyone elses to get a sense of if it could be multiples. It is going to be a long couple of weeks until the first u/s! I know once we find out, either way, after the initial shock wears off we will be elated, but we have to get to that shock first.

So that brings me to the days dragging. I found out Wednesday and it is now Sunday. Five days has gone by and it feels like a year already. Driving to my blood draw yesterday seemed to take twice as long. The days seem 4 times as long. I wish I could fast forward now to get to the u/s and hell delivery! I waited long enough for this child, haven't I?

I am not feeling much in the way of symptoms. I take a nap in the afternoon. I have eaten a bit more then normal, but I do not feel nauseous or dizzy or anything really. I wish I would get sick so it would feel more real. Weird, I know, but it is the truth.

I have a Doctors appointment Tuesday. Until then...

Beta day!

2009-04-22T14:12:00.002-04:00

My beta was scheduled for 10am. I woke up super early and peed on a stick, which has become my morning ritual. Still two lines, this one slightly darker then yesterdays. Then I got ready and hung around the house until it was time to leave, I probably could have waited another 1/2 hour or so, but I was too excited and wanted to get on with it. So I made the 45 minute drive in to have a 2 second blood draw and drove back home. When I got home I plugged my phone in the charger and figured I would kill time playing games on the internet... Not five minutes later did the phone ring. Beta was back already!

"Hi is Kristen there"

"Kristine, yes" (I have corrected the same nurse on my name about 4 times now) "How are you?"

"Not as good as you! Congrats!!!"

Now is this the point where excitement should enter the scene? Not for me! I asked for the numbers, which she told me were 211 and that is "fabulous". Then she scheduled my next beta and told me I would still come in to talk to the Doctor next week, originally it was the WTF appointment, now it will be a What to expect meeting...much nicer =)

I then called Scott. He said "That's good" I said "It is official" He said "Official, good" Not much excitement on that end either. I call my sister and Mom and they are jumping up and down excited. Both asked "Are you excited?"

My answer? "Yep, well it hasn't kicked in yet but yeah I will be excited"

So to describe what I and I think my husband are feeling: Shell Shocked. I want to be excited. I even went to Baby's R Us and looked around. But when the woman asked if she could help me I felt almost dumb, like "Hi I just found out I was pregnant 1 hour ago and I am here to get my excitement on." I could not picture MY baby in any item in the place. I did see a nice crib. But it still does not seem real enough for me to look at details of that real crib. I bought a Red Sox onesie (is that how you spell onesie?) but it felt more like I HAD to by one then I wanted to by one.

Okay so umm wow!

2009-04-20T14:15:00.002-04:00

I pretty much convinced myself I wasn't. I even had a drink last night - oops! So this afternoon I was in a funk and thought I would just get the torture and the crying over with. I go to the store... buy a 3 pack of HPTs and a digital for good measure...

I come home and POAS to find this within 3 seconds:

I didn't have to squint or anything. It is just there. I AM PREGNANT. Of course I have looked at this thing every 2 seconds since to make sure I am not imagining things and it is still here. Two lines!

So I call Scott. I say I am pregnant he says "cool" then he says "I hope there is two or less in there" and the freak out has begun for him and the disbelief has begun for me. I can not wait until Wednesday for my Beta and I will probably POAS every second until then!

Symptoms: None. I have felt like every other cycle. The bloat never went away and usually it does in the second week. But other then that I feel like the person I always am on progesterone. Nothing would have convinced me I was pregnant. Nothing!

Bitterness and blame

2009-04-20T12:24:00.003-04:00

I fight with this feeling everyday and I hate that I feel this way, but I do. I am angry at my sister. Perhaps it is overlapped childish jealousy? She is Dee and I am Dee's sister and that is how it was all through grammar school until our adult years where we moved away from each other and not very many people knew both of us to compare. She was always talented and successful in everything she has placed her hands on. I was not so much. I love her and I hate feeling this way and thought I got passed this jealousy shortly after high school when I found my own nitch in life. Funny how it comes raring it's ugly head 20 years later!

The comparison is our fight to parenthood. Seven years ago she dealt with infertility. She tried three rounds of Clomid with TI, then moved on to clomid with IUI. She was successful on her second try with that. Twin boys, born 3 weeks before my wedding. I was thrilled for her and love my nephews to peices.

Then, a year after I got married we figured we were dealing with infertility as well. We never used protection after the wedding, but never timed anything then started timing come the new year. Scott and I had the long talk about what to do. In his mind treatment equaled twins because all he had to look at was my sister. Scared of multiples we put off treatment and put it off some more until the 5 year mark when I convinced him two would be better then none. Reluctantly he agreed. I went for testing, discovered I had Hypothyroidism and once that was leveled out we started treatment. 6 years in.

So here I sit now. After a year of sticking myself with needles. Being a pro at egg retrievals and knowing far too much about embryos and blastocysts, much more then I thought I ever needed to know anyway, and still no child. Her twins are going to be 7 years old and that also marks the timeline of my struggle with IF.

Why? Why was this struggle quicker and easier on her? What did she do to deserve a BFP? Sure, I have had my moments, but I am generally a good person. I believe in karma and all of that. Why am I sitting her now wondering if the last shot we can afford will work and not holding my child(ren)? Why am I now thinking about a game plan to save enough money for a fourth rather then planning my trip to Disney World?

I blame myself as well. We should have never waited 5 years to look into why we were not getting pregnant. I blame my husband for not wanting treatment sooner. I blame the universe for allowing this. I blame God for not listening to my prayers. I blame myself for not having faith in who or whatever to make this possible for us.

Thank You!

2009-04-18T16:17:00.002-04:00

With five days to go I wanted to write a sincere thank you to everyone who has read my blog and given me words of encouragement throughout this whole thing. It is amazing how much support you have all been for me through out all these years. You are always there for me to make me hope or to hope for me when I can't any longer. I do not always reply to your words, but with each one it brings a smile to my face!

I also want to give everyone an update on Scott's dad. He was moved within the last week to a rehab hospital. He can now speak through a voice machine, although mostly all he says is "take me home". He still has a long road ahead of him, but they are working with him to feed himself and eventually stand and walk. Hopefully one day we can take him home!

And that will be all. To test or not to test. I will not test today or tomorrow. I am going to the first Red Sox game of the year for me Sunday so it will fill the time. I will sit and not drink a beer and stuff myself with nachos and hot dogs and cracker jacks.

So that will bring me to Monday... 2 more days to go after that! Stick baby(s) - stick!

Okay so I lied!

2009-04-17T18:30:00.002-04:00

I told myself to not obsess for the nine days and I did really well until last night. So I made it a whopping 3 days with out thinking too much about it. Now the weekend is here and along brings a whole lot of worries.

I do not feel anything. Nothing at all, like I have never felt anything. So I pretty much convinced myself that this is over. After years of doing this, you would think I would be so fine tuned into what my body was doing that I would feel something? I know, I know, some people do not feel anything and bam next thing they know they are looking at two lines, but that is not usually - or I should say never - the case for me.

I have flip flopped over an over about buying a HPT. I did a mad search in my bathroom cabinets this morning in hopes I had a left over one, but nope. I want to pee on something. But I drove by two drug stores and did not pull over, because I am afraid to put a definite end to this dream. Is 4 days past a 5 day transfer too soon anyway? Most likely.

I just hate this! I hate not knowing which way my life is heading. I want a vacation, I want to try one more time? I want a baby! I look at my three little ones and I hope and dream that one or more are my sticky ones, then reality hits and I say would I not feel it! Pinch, cramp, do something! Let me know you are in there, let me know my dream is still alive!

One day down

2009-04-14T14:56:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I took comfort in knowing that my wait for beta would be shorter this time around. Scheduled at 9 days past transfer rather then the 14 days past I had to wait the last two times. But today, the day has dragged by. Maybe it is because I have been home for two days straight and limiting the amount of stuff I do. You can only stare into a computer screen or TV for so long before your mind wanders to the possibility. I go back to work tomorrow, and will be working 5 days straight until Monday, so maybe that will help kill some time? Probably not.

I did the usual comparisons online with my blast pictures and those on line and I must say they look pretty good. Of course I am not a lab tech and I am looking at a very poor quality picture, but from my untrained eye they do look good.

The progesterone is starting to kick in. I took a nap yesterday afternoon and then was tired again by 10pm last night. I slept until about 9am this morning and I am tired again now at 2pm. Other then that I am not feeling any other progesterone symptoms.

I probably will not be writing much to the blog until Beta day. I am trying to not let this have a hold on my life as much as possible. I will not test before that day and will only do so after I return home from the blood draw so I am not caught off guard with the call. I will not read into symptoms because that has done nothing for me in the past. I finally accept the fact that I have no more control over the outcome of this. It either is going to work or not. Next Wednesday we will find out!

All in!

2009-04-13T11:59:00.003-04:00

So I got the news on Saturday that I would be going in for a 5 day transfer come monday. I asked about the embryos and the quality and all the nurse could tell me is that I did have some to transfer, she did not have any information other then that. So it was a long weekend. I could have one or two or I could have three or four? What if I only had one and it arrests over the weekend?
I jumped from one worse case scenario to the next pretty much every hour I was awake.

Then finally Monday morning came! I got up at 7am to shower and get dressed and wait for Scott to do the same. We didn't have to leave the house until 9am but I wanted to be ready. Then I turned my cell on to see if there were any messages: None - good! I got my bottle of water and started drinking, then packed another to drink on the way. Finally 9am came and we were out the door.

We got to the clinic at about 9:40, there was less traffic then I thought there would be. We sat in the car and listened to the radio for a few minutes, but I was getting antsy and needed to go in. So in we went. I checked in then I waited and waaaiited. Not only did I need to know what was going on with my embryos, but I needed to pee!

At about 10:10 they came and got me. Scott and I both got dressed or in my case, undressed and we waited some more. I wish they realized that waiting for an embryo report is bad but waiting with an overly full bladder is horrendous!

At about 10:30 the doctor who was doing the transfer came to introduce herself, I still have no clue what her name is! She then told me about the embryos... 1 is and expanded blastocyst. 2 are blastocysts and one arrested on day3. I had THREE! She then asked if I still wanted to go with the game plan of transfering all three. I hesitated. Three, oh my, I never imagined having three! Then Scott out of no where said "All in!!" I agreed, this might be our last shot after all, might as well make it all or nothing!

We then went back into the transfer room, I got pictures of my blasts - that is right I have Blasts! I asked the embryologist about their quality and she said they all looked great with lots of cell division. The doctor then came in and was really great with the transfer. She was making small talk through the whole thing. Next thing I knew she was pointing to the screen and said "You see that white blob right there? That is your embryos" She also told me that things could not have gone better!

I can not even remember going to the bathroom, getting dressed or the ride home. I am just in a complete state of shock that right now I am housing not one or two but three perfect little blastocysts! Please little ones stick, Please! (Oh and when I write that I freak a little because heaven help us if ALL of them stick!)

The longest days...

2009-04-10T07:35:00.002-04:00

It has been the longest day ever and it is only 7:30 in the morning. I hate Fridays to begin with because work is super slow. Add to it that I am waiting for tomorrow for potentially life altering news and the clock ticks very slowly. How can you not think about it, when there is nothing to distract you from thinking about it?

Four. We were hoping to transfer three. What are the chances that all four will be good in 5 days? What are the chances that even two out of the four will be? I want to think positively, I really do but I am so afraid to get my hopes up. What if I answer that phone tomorrow and she tells me none made it or they are all horrible quality, what then?

We were thinking about transferring over my frozen embryo and thawing it to add to the total. When I found out it would cost about $2000, on top of the IVF cost, to thaw and add it in with this cycle, I declined and decided to just go with the ones we had. Saving that for a FET. Prolonging our chances by one more cycle, if this one didn't work.

I feel at this point like I have gone all in. You know the point of the Texas Hold 'em game where there is a hush over the crowd and the poker player stands up and takes off his hat and cut to a commercial break...This is just a 5 day long commercial.

Egg Retrieval and doubts

2009-04-09T10:43:00.003-04:00

I had my egg retrieval yesterday. They had me trigger Monday night at 1am for a 1pm retrieval on Wednesday. I triggered at 1am on the dot. The instructions were for Scott to produce his sample before coming in. He did at about 11am and then we took the 45 minute ride into the clinic with me holding his sperm under my arm pit the whole way.

We got there at about noon and they waited until 12:15 to call me back to the waiting area where I got changed into a gown and waited. At about 1pm the retrieval doctor that day came out and told me they were running a bit behind, but they will come get me shortly. Then the nurse came by 5 minutes later. We asked if the sperm would be okay waiting all this time, since Scott was here he could produce a new sample if necessary. We want our boys as fresh as possible. The nurse assured me they did this all the time, and if andrology thought they needed another sample he would be called. So we waited some more.

At about 1:30 I was brought back to the OR. The anesthesiologist started the IV and next thing I know I was back in the holding area and asking how many eggs I had. The nurse said "they are still counting them" To which I thought "wow, maybe there is a lot"

She had me eat crackers and drink some ginger ale then got Scott from the waiting area. Still no word on my eggs at that point. She told me the doctor would come and speak to me in a minute. Why would a doctor need to speak to me? At the old clinic a doctor never came and spoke to someone after retrieval. Does that mean they want to gently tell me they got no eggs? It is amazing all the fear that runs through your head when no one is telling you anything.

So about 15 minutes goes by, the nurse comes again to get me dressed and then tells me the doctor is doing an egg transfer and can not talk to me. She tells me I have 6 eggs and that was what they were hoping for. But I had 9 follicles, why would you not hope for 9? She said it is common for some follicles to be empty. That never happened to me before? Each time I had eggs for each follicle I had and with my last one, some were even hiding.

So now I am doubting my choice to switch clinics. My last clinic always got my follicles. Every single one I had. Was the fact they ran so late a contributing factor? Did some eggs release before I was brought back to ER? I know there is nothing I can do at this point. I got the fertilization report this morning and four out of the six fertilized. My only hope now is to pray for those four to grow at the rate that they should and I can transfer them back home on Monday. I will get another report Saturday morning. Grow little ones, grow!

The quest for a cup

2009-04-07T12:24:00.002-04:00

So it was news to me that this clinic preferred men to produce their samples at home on the day of ER. I read through all the paperwork three times, and no where does it give you a clue that this was how it was done. So I assumed, just like the first clinic, H would go in a 1/2 hour before me, go into a dark seedy room with porno from the 80's and do his thing. Nope, I found out that is not how it is done here yesterday when it was time to trigger.

"Where do you get a sterile cup" I asked. The nurse said "Any pharmacy would have them and if not come to to us tomorrow and pick one up." Well you are 45 minutes away, I thought. So no I will not be coming to you.

So, this afternoon I made it my quest to find one. Wal.greens - nope "Check the pharmacy down the street" the pharmacist said. The pharmacy down the street "What do you need it for? A pregnancy test?" Not exactly "Semen sample" I whispered, so the little old lady behind me could not hear. "OH oh, nope we don't have one of those"

And then my third Right Aid... "You have sterile cups?" Pharmacist "Check the first aid section" WHAT?

So I give up! I do not need this stress the day before ER. Scott will be going to visit his dad later at the hospital, he will ask one of the nurses if they have one. If not, sorry but H will have to do the deed in one of their examining rooms. We do not have a choice at this point! Maybe that will be a lesson to them to let people know to pick up a cup ahead of time!

And we're off!

2009-04-06T17:50:00.003-04:00

I went in this morning to visit the vag cam. She saw 9 follicles over 12mm and then the u/s tech told me they will call later with instructions and sizes. So I spent the day like I do most days of vag cam visits, waiting for the phone to ring. And I waited and waited and then waited some more. Finally at 3:45 I called and left a message with my nurse. She called me right awat and told me that I would be triggering tonight, but they were still working ona schedule and will call me back with the time.

So I waited some more...

4:55 I get a call from a girl with spoke as though I was a second grader. Really slow and deliberate and annoying. "Take--your--shot, the--Ovidrel, at--1 am. You--need--to--take--it--on--time--so--make--sure--you--set--an--alarm--so--you--don't--fall--asleep--and--miss--it." Yep gotcha!

Then I asked what my E2 was and I felt like I was talking to a second grader "One thousand eighty-eight. I mean one thousand eight eight. Umm Thousandeight" Okay "You had a great rise and 9 measurable follicles" So I *think* she meant Eighteen hundrend and eight. That is a lot closer to my E2 last cycle, and my follicle count is pretty similar as well. So a decent response from my old and battered ovaries. I am happy and hopeful that we will get the same amount of eggs as last time with the one difference of there being a rock star in this bunch.

So I have to be in at noon on Wednesday. I am glad I can sleep in a bit. Scott is glad he gets to produce his sample at home with this clinic. Maybe his sperm will be happy with that as well? I will be most happy if two weeks from Wednesday I see two lines and of course, first thing first, I get some really good eggs this time. Ones that want to stick with me for a very long time!

Eureka!

2009-04-04T09:02:00.004-04:00

After the nurse told me I could not come in on Saturday I was in a bit of a funk. I called my sister, a lawyer, and asked if I could sue if for reasons known to me (lack of monitoring) this cycle would get canceled. I didn't want monetary gain, just replacement for the money I would be out for all the drugs. She, with sisterly love, told me I was nuts and it would be more trouble then it was worth. She also told me that maybe, just maybe the doctor knew something more then me with my internet degree in infertility. Hmm.

Maybe he does know more then me, I sure hope he does. But I do know how my body worked for two past cycles, something he does not know because he just met me. So I hung up the phone with her and called my husband and then my mother for more of a bitch session. Both of them tried to calm me down. Both of them failed - what is the big deal about one extra ultrasound?

I then took a nice calming walk with my dog in the rain. When I got home, there was a voice mail. It was my nurse, she explained how she misunderstood the message and it was fine that I come in on Saturday - EUREKA!

So I woke up bright and early this morning to make the 40 minute trek in for blood work and an u/s. I asked this time. I am done not thinking. I have a 16mm, two 15's, a 14 and a 13. Most of them on my left ovary, which is weird since normally my right side is more dominant. She also said I have a "few" smaller ones, smaller to them is under 12mm. So basically I am cruising along just as I did for IVF #2.

So I wait for my phone call with further instructions. No doubt I WILL be on Ganirelex tonight. Score one for the internet doctors out there! I am also guesstimating that I will trigger on Monday for a Wednesday ER... we will see if that pans out.

Ugg

2009-04-03T11:43:00.003-04:00

I am reading yesterdays entry and I am kind of chuckling how things can change from calm to panic in less then three hours. That's what it took me anyway. I got the call with instructions at about 2pm yesterday and all that not thinking stopped. As a matter of fact, I even have a headache from all the thinking I have been doing since that point.

My instructions. Stay on the same dose and come back Sunday. Sunday is 3 days away. In all my previous IVFs I have triggered on either a Sunday or Saturday... What? I am on Ganirelix this cycle. Last cycle I needed to start those shots on a Friday. With my last clinic, they had me coming in every other day until I reached the point of adding in Ganirelex. So to wait three days, what if something should happen.

Should I blindly trust the new doctor? If I do and I am right, then I will be out $4000 in meds. It is not his money on the line. The last bit of money we have for quite some time.

So I called and spoke to the nurse. She told me my E2 was at 247 and that it is not unreasonable that the doctor does not want to see me until Sunday. But she will also check to see if he will let me come in a day sooner for peace of mind. Of course, she calls me back today and says he most likely will add the Ganerelix on Sunday after my u/s then and he wants to keep the same appointment.

My first instinct - I much rather have way to many u/s and blood draws then too few, but then I wonder what if my last clinic added it in too soon and that is what caused my cycle to fail with all those crappy eggs? Shouldn't my doctor know by now what he is doing? This is only my 3rd one, but he has done this thousands of times. But out of the thousands of times, has he had to cancel any of them because he was not quick enough and an egg released?

In the IVF package, they warn you that cancellation is a possibility. I can not have that possibility happen to me. So being proactive could prevent that and that is what I want. IF I should not add Ganirelex in until Sunday night, I will send a box of cookies to my doctor and bow to his knowledge... If I need it before then and this cycle is canceled I swear I will go postal, but it is not in my control at this point. I need to have faith, it is just so hard to have that faith.